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This post was published on January 12, 2015. I think it still has merit. A little warning. If you plan to reblog this without reading it, be careful. This is a humorous look at Amazon reviews and not intended as an instructional piece. (Whew, glad I got that off my chest.) I hope you enjoy this one.
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This week’s list was inspired by reading some Amazon reviews recently. As writers, we always think of Amazon reviews in terms of books. There is a whole other world out there, so this includes different categories as well as books. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to do When Writing an Amazon Review
10 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to use words no one understands. If you do, at best, your review will remain unread and a waste of your time. At worst, you will garner several WTF comments and will be notorious for your high-handed and unnecessary use of the language. ( You, sir, are no William F. Buckley)
9 When writing an Amazon review, do not review a product or book you haven’t tried or read. If you do, at best, your review will look like the others you copied and will be ignored. At worse, you might be forced to analyze what it is inside of you that compels you to seek to be noticed through such a platform as Amazon reviews. (Why not start a blog?)
8 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to win the word count championship for your review. If you do, at best, the length will cause readers to fall asleep. At worst, you will become ‘that reviewer’ who everyone scrolls through and will be so noted in the comments section (Does the term ‘Windy’ mean anything to you.)
7 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you can attack the quality of the product without cause. If you do, at best, those who disagree will make their thoughts known, and those thoughts will follow you everywhere. At worst, you may touch a nerve of a very dedicated fan base who will be committed to eliminating your ability to post other egregious reviews through official and unofficial means. ( you do not want to know the unofficial)
6 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you have to describe every detail of the technical function of the product. If you do, at best, you will convince everyone they do not have the skill to operate the product. At worst, you will label yourself as a technical geek who should only be listened to when it comes time to buy a rocket to Mars. ( Your fellow geeks will love you, though)
5 When writing an Amazon review, do not include instructions on remedying a problem with the product. If you do, at best, the reader will avoid the product like the plague. At worst, you will have other purchasers begging you to help them with their problems and will assume you are part of the company’s customer service department. (Things will get ugly fast if you don’t support them)
4 When writing an Amazon review, do not use the words or expressions: #BOOM, hubris, über, fantastic, amazing, surreal, surprising, or the like. If you do, at best, you will join the rest of the world in the lack of originality. At worst, you will be using words that do not describe anything and will lose all credibility as someone who should be taken as a serious opinion leader. (Does Hashtag loser ring a bell?)
3 When writing an Amazon review, do not pick any sex toys as the target of your insights. If you do, at best, there is no way to write a review that will mean the same to another user. At worst, you might find yourself in an area where you will have to expose all your weirdness to the buying public. (You might be surprised when a copy of your review is sitting on the counter in the break room)
2 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you must save the world from having a bad experience. If you do, at best, your negative review will be the exception, and your review credibility will be gone. At worst, you will demonstrate a vindictive personality which will be used as a benchmark on how effective readers believe your reviews are in the future. (Your lousy experience might be a singular event which will be evident when the judge finds for the plaintiff in your lawsuit)
1 When writing an Amazon review, do not think your review will not be read by anyone, so you need not take care of its construction. If you do, at best, all the typos and inaccurate statements will make you appear the fool. At worst, this review may show up in social media as one that, by its very sloppiness, needs to be mocked to the fullest. (Thinking you are anonymous won’t help when a copy of the review is circulated in the company e-mail with the headline, “Look What our Crack PR Department Does in its Spare Time.”)
Fiction Favorites 
Great advice. People still write Amazon reviews? 😁
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Yes they do. 😁
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I’ve seen a few weird Amazon reviews. One thing that amazes me is the number of people who can’t seem to assemble furniture! 😀
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Or the ones who review a product they haven’t used yet. I just opened the box, and the thing looks just dandy. Five stars!!
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Yeah. That’s a waste too. Thanks, Liz. 😊
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You’re welcome, John.
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They flunked the IKEA test and now are turning to Amazon. Thanks, Joan.
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Great tips, John. Another I might add is after you’ve posted a review check back in a few days to make sure it hasn’t been pulled.
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That happens a lot for sure. Thanks, Jill.
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I have several book reviews I need to do. I will take your advice, especially #3. My biggest challenge is writing a review for a book I did not like even though it was well-written.
Thanks for the tips, John.
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I don’t do reviews on books I don’t like. I give a book 50 pages and if I don’t like it, I stop reading it. Thanks, Karen.
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Amazon says I can’t leave reviews for the books I read, because I don’t spend enough money! What’s their problem? They aren’t rich enough yet?
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Hmmm. I guess Jeff Bezos needs more rocket fuel. You can always leave reviews on Goodreds or Book Bub. Thanks, GP.
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Thank you.
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😁
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Tell them you are not the government. You can only spend your own money which is precious.
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Ha ha ha.
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haha, due to the size of Amazon, do you think they’ll understand that? haha
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Amazon seems to rule us all, but you’ve offered some great (hilarious) suggestions, John. 😃
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Thank you, Gwen. Glad you liked them. 😊
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Great list, John. The rules that deal with “being revealed at work” seem to apply to a lot of people in a variety of situations. People who think “no one I know will ever see this” are often surprised to find things in the break room, or on Facebook.
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If you put anything on the internet anywhere, assume your boss will see it, as well as your boss’s boss.
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You are so right, Liz.
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You’d think people would have figured that out by now.
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Truth!
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That is the truth, Dan. Sometimes funny, sometimes tragic, but always a surprise for the victim.
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Celebrities and politicians are the best. “I thought I was sending a private message…”
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Hahahha.
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Good items! I do read reviews for things I buy – and I always read the book reviews. I do hate that there are haters out there that like to dish crap.
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Yeah, I don’t understand those people. Thanks, Noelle.
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(And now a word from your Monday morning cynic): I never have left a review, and I don’t read them, particularly since so many reviews are provided by people paid to review things they never have used. The word “influencers” has meaning, and I don’t need to spend time sorting out the real from the fake.
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Thanks, Linda. You and Klausbernd are on the same wave length.
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#9. I see reviews like this pretty frequently, but then authors lose book reviews for mysterious reasons. Go figure.
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Yeah I have lost over 20.
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It’s funny. I’ve NEVER thought of posting a review on a product (though I read them when researching). I do, however, always leave reviews on books – especially friend authors 🙂
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And you leave such lovely reviews too.
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I do try 🙂
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These people walk among us, for sure.
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They may even live next door.
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Ha! Ha! Great tips, John. #3 had me chuckling right out loud!
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Thank you, Jan. 😁
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I seldom write reviews especially product reviews. I made an exception for our washing machine that exploded, though!
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Sounds like a good exception.
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Good advice, John. It can be taken as humorous, but reality often is. 🙂
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Yes it is. Thanks, Tim
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Dear John
I would never ever write a review on amazon and expecially not about a book. As Linda writes (Shoreacres) one can’t trust reviews on amazon and therefore I don’t read them.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed your ten things not to do on amazon.
Keep well
The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
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Thank you, Klausbernd.
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This one still has merit, John — thank you! What baffles me about reviews is how you can read 20 or more praising a certain product, then come upon one that blasts it. We’d like to think reviews are honest and fair, but sometimes I wonder.
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I know what you mean. Seems spiteful in some respects. Thanks, Debbie.
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I’m going with ten since, I always feel you’re being so kind taking the time to write one, when like a cyber smack, you’ll get an email telling you…sorry, your review just didn’t cut the mustard in a surreal, surprising, not to mention amazing manner as the snooty powers that be lower the boom, fantastic or otherwise, likely while riding in a f—king Uber conveniently charged on their Amazon Expense Account. So there!
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I used to get those too. Then one magic day another department appointed me (with no help from me) to their “Vine Voice” exclusive tribe of reviewers. The next review I did I got the usual smack from the Bezo’s team. I wrote and asked how I could be a “Vine Voice,” if I can’t get reviews published. No answer, of course, but since then all my reviews are published. I even get a report on the reactions my reviews have had with Amazon customers. I loved your supurb comment, Susannah. Made me laugh out loud. I know, I know, I’m easy. 😁
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Definitely worthy of a re-post, John and good advice to follow – Happy Monday!
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Happy Monday to you, Barbara.
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All such good advice! I’m surprised (although I shouldn’t be) by how badly some Amazon reviews are written. It irks me too when people use the review to complain about a product without first trying to resolve their issue with the company. Kind of like when someone pans a book that they haven’t read.
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Yeah that sucks for sure. Thanks, Marie. 😁
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The most mysterious reviews are from people who already have a bias. e.g., I don’t drive, yet I’ll evaluate the handling of a car. I don’t like mysteries, yet I’m going to tell you why this mystery book is awful. I don’t like the beach, yet I’ll tell you why Hawaii is a horrible traveling destination.
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Hahaha. Great point, Pete. 😁
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Good advice, John 🙂
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Thank you, Denise. 😊
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I didn’t read the original, John, but very wise advice, as usual, and also a touch of humour. Thanks for the reminders!
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Thanks for the visit and lovely comment. 😊
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Number 9, I swear that happens more than we think. Glad you reblogged this one.
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Sometie it is hard to understand what goes through a reviewer’s mind.
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This was great! All ten of them. Very insightful.
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Thank you for the terrific comment, Andrew.
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Great advice, John.😊
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Thank you, Vashti. Great to “see” you.
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🙂 ❤
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Nobody wants my review for anything. I am terrible at giving constructive criticism. Lol
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Always worth re-sharing, John. Loved your disclaimer too.
I might add, “If you’re going to call out mistakes, be ready to prove it.” LOL.
Personally I think the best review is a simple “I loved it!” Which I can say about your books. 🙂 Hugs on the wing!
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I agree. Thanks, Teagan and Hugs
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As per #4, also do not use the word “amazing” or reference something as a “national treasure” . . please.
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I agree.
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I mean, just cut to the quick.
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😊
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#BOOM. Seriously? This was super, John, funny with a hint of reality.
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Thank you, Jennie. Glad you enjoyed it. 😁
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Not written one for long but with your tips, feel ready to write one…
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You go, Ankur.
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