Top Ten Things Not to Do with a Hangover

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Sammy Williams on Unsplash

This list was originally posted on February 2nd, 2015. Although the Superbowl is two weeks away, maybe it will resonate after yesterday’s NFL playoffs.

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This list was inspired by years and years of attempting to burn a candle at both ends. This list could be much longer, but a cutoff had to be made somewhere. Also, since this is the Monday after the Super Bowl, maybe there is some advice you can use. I hope you enjoy it.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do with a Hangover

10 If you have a hangover, do not attempt to cover the fact by talking too much. If you do, at best, you will have erased any doubt as to your condition. At worst, your mouth will run off and leave your sodden brain back in the pain pit, and the brain will only catch up when it detects the words “will you please shut up.” (Much too late, I might add.)

9 If you have a hangover, do not try to step out of your typical passive role at the morning staff meeting. If you do, at best, you will scare everyone with your slurred and totally irrelevant comments. At worst, you might disagree with the boss and insist on your point, which has the effect of capitalizing on the death wish you have had ever since you bade farewell to the ceramic microphone at 3:00 AM this morning. (The sounds still ring in the ears.)

8 If you have a hangover, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best, you may find yourself in a position of greatly apologizing for denting a car or building. At worst, you will have several people lining up in HR asking how their flattened vehicles will be replaced and several executives asking you for the keys to the equipment and your lawyer’s name. (I get that the brake and gas looked the same.)

7 If you have a hangover, do not write any notes to anyone explaining your actions last night. If you do, at best, you might feel better in confessing your sins. At worst, you will have given several people written confirmation as to why they need to avoid or punch you. (At least you have friends in low places.)

6 If you have a hangover, do not show up to teach your fifth-grade class. If you do, at best, you might make it to lunch without a complaint to the principal. At worst, you will be driven to the point where the EMS crew and police will attempt to talk you down from the roof of the school where unbeknownst to your conscious self, you have been screaming threats against Congress and the President. (hard to blame you for that.)

5 If you have a hangover, do not report to your airline pilot job. If you do, at best, you might forget something minor but survive anyway. At worst, you will discover a little too late you forgot to check the fuel level, and your attention is drawn to the bright blinking light on the control panel that has the words “Fuel Starvation” clearly embossed on it. (It means there is no more.)

4 If you have a hangover, do not go ahead with that brain surgery you are supposed to conduct today. If you do, at best, your attention will be on your own brain, and you will find it difficult to concentrate. At worst, you will think all is well right up to the point you close up the procedure only to discover the parts leftover that you can’t explain. (Unlike a bicycle kit, there are no extra parts in the brain.)

3 If you have a hangover, do not go to the grocery store to do your shopping for the week. If you do, at best, you will forget more items than you remember to buy. At worst, you will finally have had it with the cashier who asks you each week, “If you have found everything okay?” The fact that if you say no, she will not do anything about it has you treading on the conveyor shouting for the rest of the shoppers to lay down their groceries to join the revolution. (Incidentally, you don’t see the cautious community support officer in the corner calling 9-1-1.)

2 If you have a hangover, do not take your carpool duty today. If you do, at best, you will drop the kids and adjourn to the local bar for some hair of the dog, only leading to more trouble later. At worst, your driving will permanently imprint terror on the poor innocents in the car which they will suppress. (But go through life wondering why they never got a driver’s license.)

1 If you have a hangover, do not think you will be as effective in your writing as you usually are. If you do, at best, you might just produce a day’s work that would make great kindling for the evening fire. At worst, you may think you have a breakthrough on your writer’s block only to find you have included the words “Daddy’s Home” over two thousand times in your manuscript. (You can thank Thr Shining for that.)

75 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do with a Hangover”

  4. Aren’t you glad those crazy times are in the past? 🤪 With such a great list, I suspect you may have enjoyed a sip or two or three during your younger years. 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I remember after a speech one time, a guy came up to me and said, “That was a great speech and the fact that you were still going strong at two o’clock this morning made it a spectacular speech.” I thanked him. Yes, there were times. Thank you, Gwen.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. With regard to #2, you might drop the kids off at the wrong school! And as for sitting on the school roof and yelling out threats against Congress and the President, It wouldn’t take a hangover to get me there!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. So, so funny , and true. #6 definitely fit my younger days when I did teach 5th grade. The morning after the teacher’s bowling league banquet was not pretty. Of course, I had an excuse to celebrate, I had the league high average. Any dropouts from that district could be directly related to that following morning. Thanks for the memories, John.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. My faves…do not use heavy machinery, and try to explain last night’s behavior. Ah yes…the morning after, with a block of ice on your head, as you remember throwing that basket of chips at a woman whose hair you didn’t care for. OOPS. Now she has to call the bar to see if they have her shoes along with that woman’s whereabouts so she can offer a wash and set, the very least she can do,

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    1. If you read Bonfires of the Vanities there is a perfect description of slowly remembering the not so pleasant behaviors when under the influence. One time I was dining in a very good restaurant and looked over at the next table. The guy was eating chicken. I had to ask him why when there were so many other great things to order. I then offered to share my dish. (of course joining them at their table with dish in hand) The owner came over and inquired as to the problem. The next morning I woke with the memory and the realization that I would never be able to go to that fine restaurent again. (seems I also described one of the dessert selections as poop pie.) 🤣

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      1. You know, with all my reading, I never read that. I used to see him on his morning walk. He’d gallop by my old place on Madison Avenue, all bent over. I thought it was age but then read, he had that since childhood.

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  19. This post, John, reminded me of an old recipe to cure a hangoever:
    Give a pickled herring a bath in beer, and use your own stomach as the bathtub. 😉 I’ve neber tried it myself, though. It seems a little like exorcising the Devil with Beelzebub.

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      1. I just remembered, in the Bertie Wooster stories by P.G. Wodehouse there’s always the special mix Jeeves, Bertie’s, “Gentleman’s Gentleman”, serves Bertie when he has a (horrible) hangover. I don’t think, though, that the recipe is ever mentioned.

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  23. Thankfully, I gave up these a long time ago. They went away when sleep became more of a priority than partying/drinking.

    Speaking of football, have there ever been two consecutive weeks of unbelievable playoff games? Sports remain the greatest reality show ever invented.

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