This post originally ran on February 1st, 2016. Since all the coffee chains haven’t gone out of business, the advice is still helpful. I hope you enjoy it.
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The inspiration for this list was a visit to a bustling Coffee chain and then a need to put down in words some of the thoughts that have bothered me since.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fancy Coffee Chain Store
10 Do not try to maintain your individuality by insisting your name be spelled correctly on your cup. If you do, at best, your exact words will be handed back to you with your drink. (see above) At worst, the rest of the room will take notice of your insecurity and cover you with eye rolls. (You are bothered by eye rolls, or you wouldn’t have been so particular about your name. Right?)
9 Do not order a fancy drink believing it makes you a superstar. If you do, at best, the drink will be wrong. At worst, the drink will be wrong, and you’ll not know it. (Exactly what that twenty-something was counting on when she handed you that regular coffee)
8 Do not look at the pastries while standing in the longest line ever. If you do, at best, your stomach will announce to those in front, and behind that, you are an animal. At worst, you pick one up and suffer from calorie and budget overload. (How could something so small cost so much?)
7 Do not offer to pick up something for your co-workers. If you do, at best, they’ll order strange coffees and give you money. At worst, they’ll order several breakfast sandwiches and give you enough money to cover about half. (The reaction when you ask for the rest is like you embezzled the funds)
6 Do not go to the drive-through with less than half a tank of gas. If you do, at best, you will need to shut the car off several times. At worst, you will forget and run out of gas before you reach the window. (It makes you wonder why you didn’t just go in the first place.)
5 Do not attempt to strike up a conversation with the barista. If you do, at best, you’ll realize you are talking to yourself. At worst, the barista will be distracted and make your drink the way the previous person ordered it. (Just try and get that corrected)
4 Do not stand in line and then start thinking about what you want when you reach the point of ordering. If you do, at best, the audible groan from your fellow fancy coffee drinkers will make you nervous. At worst, you will be the recipient of the kind of insults last heard during the NFL season directed at the commissioner. (You are not making the kind of money to put up with that abuse)
3 Do not pass the tip jar without making a deposit. If you do, at best, you will be marked for special treatment next time. At worst, you are still waiting for your drink, and everyone behind you has left. (Yes, a tip is for good service, but here it is paid in advance, much like a toll to the troll under the bridge)
2 Do not take more than one napkin and one stir stick from the condiment bar. If you do, at best, you will be reminded to conserve paper. At worst, the environmental enforcer who looks much like Tiny, the World Wrestling Federation champ, will relieve you of the extra. (You hope he puts you down on your feet after he is through holding you by the ankles and shaking the napkin free)
1 Do not try to pay for your drink with a gift card that does not have enough to cover. If you do, at best. You will be delayed while the difference is figured out. At worst, you will get the feeling that the next move will be the arrival of a SWAT team to take you down for violating what the cashier is sure is a Federal offense. (You have to wonder why you don’t keep the receipt from the previous visit since it clearly states your balance. Silly you.)
Fiction Favorites 
Great list, John. A little too real. Good to see Tiny. Apparently, you can add, don’t ask for a medium coffee with room for milk. That never works for me.
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Ha ha ha. Me either. 😁
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This is a very realistic list. When I indulge in a sore bought hot chocolate some of the places don’t like my simple request of 195 degrees no foam no whip.
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I’ll bet. I wonder if they have instant thermometers on hand to check or does the barista just stick a finger in the portion to gage the heat. 🤣
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The machine tells them. But i like your idea.
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😁
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A distracted barista is never a good thing. Great list, John!
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Thank you, Jill.
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More great life lessons for us.
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I think the rel lesson is to make your own coffee. Thanks, Craig.
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Very valid suggestions here. I cannot help but wonder how this crazy world came to be…
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I’m with you. Where did dunkin donuts and Horton’s go wrong?
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They made shitty coffee… 😉
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Oh I see. Well, no wonder.
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But some really love Timmies… I’ll never understand it, quite frankly!
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Maybe they drink sodas instead.
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Haha! No, my kids think I’m blasphemous when I say Timmies sucks. And now, get this! They are offering cappuccinos… oh, hell no…
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Ha ha ha. I love that. 😁
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😉
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And that is why my husband goes to Dunkin’: medium hot coffee, black. (I’ll confess to be one of the eye-rollers the few times I’ve stood in line at the fancy coffee shop.)
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Yeah. It is amazing to me ow wrapped up someone can get in a stupid cup of coffee. Move on people. 😁
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Ha ha!
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😊
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Working my way down the list I was nodding in agreement, and then I hit # 6 and starting cracking up!
And # 1, you don’t want any one these days trying to do the math!
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I noticed that cashiers do not know how to add and subtract. I had a purchase that was $5.20. I gave the cashier a twenty and two dimes. OMG. I think the cashier checked into a mental health care facility when I left the store.
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hahha, I know what you mean! We laugh, but it is actually sad!
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Yes, it is GP.
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Your example of the gift card made me laugh, John. I’ve witnessed that scene – not pretty. When my sister sent me a $5 gift card to Starbucks, I gave it to a young man in line. I figured he would know what to do, as I scrambled away. 😃
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Five dollars at Starbucks? I think you did the right thing. Thanks, Gwen. 😁
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These are good reasons to avoid such places. At least for me.
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Me too. I don’t think I’ve been back since 2016.
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Luckily I don’t drink coffee (or tea) and hubby prefers straight up black so we can skip the barista line, lol.
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Good way to live, Teri. 😁
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Good ones to keep in mind, John. Have a good week. 🙂
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You as well. Tim.
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Ha! Ha! Love the troll toll. 🙂 That’s all just about right, John. And ten more reasons I avoid those establishments!
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Me too. Thanks, Jan.
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I can heartily suscribe to #10: whenever I give my name as “Pit” it’s written down as “Pete”, even if I spell it out.
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I would just say Pete from now on, Pete.
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🤣
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🤣
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Round peg square hole. Sledge hammer please. Special cases call for the descending acme anvil.
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Hahaha. Thanks, John
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All good advice. Mine: don’t order a fancy drink only to discover you don’t have enough to pay for it!
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Good one Noelle.
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Good list and advice. Coffee lines only have seemed to increase over the years.
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How about the line at Chick-Fil-A
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We don’t have one, but we venture down…another long one.
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I would never sit for thirty minutes for a fast food sandwich. But that’s me.
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Our fancy coffee shops are always busy. I’m not a coffee drinker, so I’m spared the inconvenience (and expense!). Great list, John. I can’t help but wonder if their coffee is that much tastier than what people can buy for home use though.
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Theirs is good. Mine’s better.
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So the gardener told me that Starbucks is raising their prices dramatically. He was very dramatic about it, in fact, because he thinks spending money on overpriced coffee products is one of the dumbest things he’s ever heard. We don’t argue about it because I don’t drink coffee!!! Great list, as usual, John! By the way, my daughter does go and gives her middle name because they always screw up her first name.
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I’m with your husband. I do like the taste of Starbucks but not enough to pay those outrageous prices. My home espresso machine is just as good.
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Very smart. And who needs all those extra calories they stick in those drinks?!
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That’s right. My 1/2 & 1/2 is enough.
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These are great, John. I’m still chuckling about Brian with a “y.” 🙂
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Thank you, Joan
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I like the server’s sense of humor (Brian with a y). I belong to a Kindness group where we have a monthly kindness challenge. Twice we’ve had the same challenge of buying a coffee for the car behind you. The only problem with that is you never know who’s going to be behind you. I think the last one was a young woman (about 25), and she probably assumed I was a creepy old dude hitting on her.😎
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I’m sure she thought is was nice. Thanks, Pete.
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Back to the days of Audrey to be consistently confused with Aubrey or Aubree or even Aubrie.
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You could try Alice. Of course it could come out a-lice, Thanks, Audrey.
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I do not go to the fancy coffee shops. Their menus confuse me, I crack under the pressure of ordering, and the pastry case? Sigh.
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I’m with you. What the hell is a Venti anyway?
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All so true, John!
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😁
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Numbers 6 and 3…love the gas tank line since, though living in the city traveling mostly by foot, have heard this from my Connecticut pals how you were better off filling a thermos while you sat there and waited.
The tip jar…if you’re Catholic, lapsed or otherwise, it comes with guilt across the front that if you don’t shove in that dollar for your already obscenely priced latte, you better expect to go to hell, without one. I like to give from the heart John, not with a .38 pressed to my head. sigh Did you hear Starbucks just raised their prices…AGAIN. Pretty soon they’ll rival The Carlyle. sigh
I do love these lists you man so well. 🙂
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I did hear they raised prices. I can’t imagine paying that much every day. Some do though. The saving grace about the Carlyle was the refills. Plus a nicer surrounding not filled with twenty somethings all obsessing over life. Thank you for the compliment.😊
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The Carlyle makes great coffee. And yes, they give you a nice filled pot of your very own they’ll replenish upon request. So what it’s 10 buck a cup. Or close to that. It’s been a while.
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Been a while for me too. Maybe if ever I’m in NYC to sign a three book deal with HarperCollens I can stand you to a cup.😊
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Splendid Top Ten, dear John! And,,,little changes in these chains…😂😁😂
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I think they are the same all over the world.
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My name is Marc . . . it’s been two years since I had a Starbucks.
One day at a time, right?
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Right. Baby steps.
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I sometimes accidentally grab more than one stir stick, I’m so glad they are close to the exit.
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Lucky the coffee police don’t catch you.
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Number four drives me up a friggin’ wall, wherever I’m at.
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Me too. Thanks, Andrew.
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I love this one so happy to see an appearance of Tiny. I would just let him have those extra napkins no questions asked! They usually spell my name, Darling. I´m OK with that. Could be worse. (like if my name was Beatriz)
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Darling is a good one. I think Beatriz would be a problem like Cathy with a K.
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I like 6 and 5 best 😀
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Thank you, Gerhard. I like those two myself. Of course, when doing them it was less than enjoyable. 😊
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The same: do not talk to the hairdresser, she only half listens to you or forgets that she should not comb over the skin injury
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Ouch. Good point.
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I’m guilty of #5 and my wife lets me know 🥴
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Bad dog.
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For a person who loves to order coffee, I better take note of all that’s included on this list. 💯 Great observations. 😊 👍
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Thank you -A 😊
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