Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

~ John W. Howell

 

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

 

Since today is Valentine’s Day (Happy Day to all), I thought you would enjoy a post from February 2015. I hope you enjoy the list.

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 Since most of America goes bonkers to create the perfect Valentine experience, I thought it would be a good idea to list some things that just might cause the Day to backfire. One thing to keep in mind, Valentine’s Day does not in itself become the measure of the value of a relationship. However, mess it up, and there will be a substantial discount on the relationship’s value for the foreseeable future. So here is the list. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

10 On Valentine’s Day, do not accept the phrase “We love each other and don’t have to show it on an obvious Hallmark holiday” as the truth. If you do, at best, you might be able to work your way back into good graces in due time (like at Christmas). At worst, your loved one will present you with the most touching card and gift, which will immediately cause your scalp to sweat and the urge to run off a nearby cliff that can’t be covered with a last-minute run to Wal-Mart. (The only cards left at this hour are the big lace-lined mushy verses to grandma, and who wants to be a valentine with grandma? Well, maybe grandpa.)

9 On Valentine’s Day, do not plan an expensive dinner out as your gift. If you do, at best, you will be seated next to the restroom after a two-hour wait. At worst, the waiter will announce the regular menu has been replaced with the $300.00 per couple Prix fix tasting menu, which has everything you and your partner would call Terminex to come to get. (Don’t forget the ten flights of wine which only someone in trouble with alcohol could finish)

8 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a gift even remotely related to sex. If you do, at best, you may be using the gift yourself. At worst, you will be broadcasting a desire that may not be mutually felt, and your partner may feel uncomfortable and pressured to engage in some activity. (This will probably end up badly, not to mention an intervention by the local community police)

7 On valentine’s Day, do not think it is the thought that matters. If you do, at best, you will only survive the following year with the belief that you will part with a little more cash on a better gift. At worst, you will be forced to endure the sympathies of your partner’s friends as expressed on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. (Also, the notoriety that comes from the YouTube video of your paltry gift, which goes viral with over a million views, is all yours)

6 On Valentine’s Day, do not make anything by hand that you hope to pass off as a sentimental offering. If you do, at best, be prepared to see your item on eBay priced way below the cost of materials. At worst, the item you handcrafted for the occasion will more than likely be the item you uncover in a remote part of the garage two years from now. (You notice the price on a tag of $1.50 which has been marked down from $25.00 from several previous garage sales)

5 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy chocolate-covered strawberries from a street vendor. If you do, at best, your valentine will eat off the chocolate and not touch the strawberry. At worst, your valentine will wolf down the whole thing only to discover later in the ER after a healthy dose of Ipecac the claim by the street vendor of 98% salmonella-free fruit was way overstated. (Another romantic ceramic microphone moment)

4 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a dozen red roses from the guy alongside the highway. If you do, at best, you will make it home before the rosebuds fall off. At worst, the roses will come packed with several kinds of insects, including bed bugs from the local no-tell motel, and, unfortunately, your partner has a rare and severe allergy to Japanese beetles who just have formed an independent state in the rose bouquet. (The embassy should be informed to come to get them)

3 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the chocolates you froze from the last Costco truffle sale will not show signs of wear. If you do, at best, the freezer burn will give you away, and you will be forced to buy some See’s chocolate quickly at the mall. At worst, the truffles will somehow fall apart. You will need to invent a story on how the greenhouse effect has contributed to the instability of the typical chocolate truffle, which your partner will try to verify by making an inquiry on Google. (Sadly, the results rendered your story a complete fabrication)

2 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the commercial cards say precisely what you want to say. If you do, at best, you will settle on something that causes both of you to scream “AWKWARD” after the poem is read aloud. At worst, you failed to read the whole message and find at the end a slight reference to being “good friends,” which will spiral your partner into a troubled space. (Only a qualified therapist will be able to talk them down)

1 On Valentine’s Day, do not think ignoring the Day will eliminate responsibility. If you do, at best, you might be forced into a year of make-up favors. At worst, the brother of your partner left word he wants to talk to you. (You know the one who served with the Navy Seals on three tours in Afghanistan)

83 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day”

  8. Let’s not trade our totals, John. I don’t want to know if I won. You know, gas stations often have delightful little roses in a pretty (I’m sure it’s crystal) tube. In case you’re in a hurry today.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Another great hilarious list, John. These days, the grocery stores really help out with bundles of flowers ready for the taker and boxed chocolates nearby. But the greatest gift just might be a kiss.😊 Happy Valentine’s Day!

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  15. I’m still guffawing over 5&4. Never, ever do deals with any roadside vendor, especially if it’s the same guy who was begging at the intersection last week ( and his BMW was suspiciously parked not too far from the spot) (‘Guffawing’ is such a great word). HVD, John &. Family!

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  17. Ahhh the pitfalls of this contrived holiday… It is quite the path of landmines, isn’t it? Best to show your love all year round, methinks. And if you want to give a little extra dose on this day, then hey, why not… it’s when the rest of the year you feel no love and all of a sudden you get stuff? Not so much.

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  18. With expectations so high, it’s tough to hit the mark on a day like Valentine’s. Probably best to show love all year round to those you appreciate. Have a happy one, John!

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  22. You got me on 4 and 9. I have sat near the rest room on this commercial of days, having the Valentine Day’s Special including oysters that allegedly tempt one’s libido like a cobra in a shell. Let’s just say, my oysters were down a quart,

    And the roses on the street I just passed on every corner, and you’re right, despite them being flirty in 18 degree weather, by the time they’ll make it indoors, will, alas, die a quick death.

    Kinda happy I don’t have to participate. Fun list.

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  24. Spoken like a man who has been around the block a time or two. It’s just another day in our household, and we’re both okay with that. I love my wife, and she loves me. That’s what counts.

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  29. Yup, I laughed out loud at these. And whoops, I read it a day AFTER V-Day. But I’m an experienced woman who knows what to expect, and not, and what to deliver, and not. Thus, no cards were exchanged, and a veggie pizza was enjoyed by us both for dinner. 🙂

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  32. They are all so true. But the truest thing you said in the whole post was this: “Valentine’s Day does not in itself become the measure of the value of a relationship. However, mess it up, and there will be a substantial discount on the relationship’s value for the foreseeable future.”

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