Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash
Since today is Valentine’s Day (Happy Day to all), I thought you would enjoy a post from February 2015. I hope you enjoy the list.
* * *
Since most of America goes bonkers to create the perfect Valentine experience, I thought it would be a good idea to list some things that just might cause the Day to backfire. One thing to keep in mind, Valentine’s Day does not in itself become the measure of the value of a relationship. However, mess it up, and there will be a substantial discount on the relationship’s value for the foreseeable future. So here is the list. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day
10 On Valentine’s Day, do not accept the phrase “We love each other and don’t have to show it on an obvious Hallmark holiday” as the truth. If you do, at best, you might be able to work your way back into good graces in due time (like at Christmas). At worst, your loved one will present you with the most touching card and gift, which will immediately cause your scalp to sweat and the urge to run off a nearby cliff that can’t be covered with a last-minute run to Wal-Mart. (The only cards left at this hour are the big lace-lined mushy verses to grandma, and who wants to be a valentine with grandma? Well, maybe grandpa.)
9 On Valentine’s Day, do not plan an expensive dinner out as your gift. If you do, at best, you will be seated next to the restroom after a two-hour wait. At worst, the waiter will announce the regular menu has been replaced with the $300.00 per couple Prix fix tasting menu, which has everything you and your partner would call Terminex to come to get. (Don’t forget the ten flights of wine which only someone in trouble with alcohol could finish)
8 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a gift even remotely related to sex. If you do, at best, you may be using the gift yourself. At worst, you will be broadcasting a desire that may not be mutually felt, and your partner may feel uncomfortable and pressured to engage in some activity. (This will probably end up badly, not to mention an intervention by the local community police)
7 On valentine’s Day, do not think it is the thought that matters. If you do, at best, you will only survive the following year with the belief that you will part with a little more cash on a better gift. At worst, you will be forced to endure the sympathies of your partner’s friends as expressed on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. (Also, the notoriety that comes from the YouTube video of your paltry gift, which goes viral with over a million views, is all yours)
6 On Valentine’s Day, do not make anything by hand that you hope to pass off as a sentimental offering. If you do, at best, be prepared to see your item on eBay priced way below the cost of materials. At worst, the item you handcrafted for the occasion will more than likely be the item you uncover in a remote part of the garage two years from now. (You notice the price on a tag of $1.50 which has been marked down from $25.00 from several previous garage sales)
5 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy chocolate-covered strawberries from a street vendor. If you do, at best, your valentine will eat off the chocolate and not touch the strawberry. At worst, your valentine will wolf down the whole thing only to discover later in the ER after a healthy dose of Ipecac the claim by the street vendor of 98% salmonella-free fruit was way overstated. (Another romantic ceramic microphone moment)
4 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a dozen red roses from the guy alongside the highway. If you do, at best, you will make it home before the rosebuds fall off. At worst, the roses will come packed with several kinds of insects, including bed bugs from the local no-tell motel, and, unfortunately, your partner has a rare and severe allergy to Japanese beetles who just have formed an independent state in the rose bouquet. (The embassy should be informed to come to get them)
3 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the chocolates you froze from the last Costco truffle sale will not show signs of wear. If you do, at best, the freezer burn will give you away, and you will be forced to buy some See’s chocolate quickly at the mall. At worst, the truffles will somehow fall apart. You will need to invent a story on how the greenhouse effect has contributed to the instability of the typical chocolate truffle, which your partner will try to verify by making an inquiry on Google. (Sadly, the results rendered your story a complete fabrication)
2 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the commercial cards say precisely what you want to say. If you do, at best, you will settle on something that causes both of you to scream “AWKWARD” after the poem is read aloud. At worst, you failed to read the whole message and find at the end a slight reference to being “good friends,” which will spiral your partner into a troubled space. (Only a qualified therapist will be able to talk them down)
1 On Valentine’s Day, do not think ignoring the Day will eliminate responsibility. If you do, at best, you might be forced into a year of make-up favors. At worst, the brother of your partner left word he wants to talk to you. (You know the one who served with the Navy Seals on three tours in Afghanistan)
Fiction Favorites 
After all of those, I may give the whole thing a miss!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe the smartest way to go.
LikeLike
Happy Valentine’s Day, John!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Happy Valentine’s Day Annette. 💝
LikeLiked by 1 person
You made us laugh 😆😂🤣😜 Thank you 🙏 🙏
Happy Valentine’s Day
The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Happy Valentine’s day to the Fab Four.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 🙏 🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
Kind of glad I don’t have to pay attention to this holiday anymore. Too stressful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We totally don’t get this one either.
LikeLike
These are great, John! Happy Valentine’s Day!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Jill. Happy Valentine’s Day. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds like a can’t win situation. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Created by Hallmark cards. Thanks, Joan.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Those sound like the voice of experience.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes indeed. Till I finally gave up. 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Let’s not trade our totals, John. I don’t want to know if I won. You know, gas stations often have delightful little roses in a pretty (I’m sure it’s crystal) tube. In case you’re in a hurry today.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. My gas station had red roses in a bucket. I took a pass. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
smart move.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Who knew Valentine’s Day was fraught with so much danger!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Like landmines out there , Liz.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
This may be your most realistic and useful list yet — not to mention one of the most amusing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Linda. It coud be viewed as a black hole avoidance attempt. 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good ones to keep in mind. Happy Valentine’s Day, John. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Tim. Happy Valentines Day. Amazon tells me my review for The Valley Walker is posted. I will be doing Book Bub and Goodreads today.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much, John. I’ll take a look at it. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow! Great review, John. Has me smiling big time!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You deserve it, Tim.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Another great hilarious list, John. These days, the grocery stores really help out with bundles of flowers ready for the taker and boxed chocolates nearby. But the greatest gift just might be a kiss.😊 Happy Valentine’s Day!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Happy Valentines Day to you, Gwen. 💝
LikeLiked by 1 person
#3 – heads would roll if someone tried to give me expired freezer burned chocolate. Luckily, hubby is aware of this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes. Smart man to heed the signs. 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
A very helpful list!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Noelle.😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m still guffawing over 5&4. Never, ever do deals with any roadside vendor, especially if it’s the same guy who was begging at the intersection last week ( and his BMW was suspiciously parked not too far from the spot) (‘Guffawing’ is such a great word). HVD, John &. Family!
LikeLiked by 1 person
HVD to you and yours, Steve. In San Antonio there was a “homeless ” guy who collected on a corner. I happen to drive down the cross street later in the day to see him get into a Lexis. 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! I hope you have a nice Valentine’s Day, John!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Deborah. I hope you have a nice Valentine’s Day as well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahhh the pitfalls of this contrived holiday… It is quite the path of landmines, isn’t it? Best to show your love all year round, methinks. And if you want to give a little extra dose on this day, then hey, why not… it’s when the rest of the year you feel no love and all of a sudden you get stuff? Not so much.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I believe that too, Dale. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t doubt that for a second!
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
With expectations so high, it’s tough to hit the mark on a day like Valentine’s. Probably best to show love all year round to those you appreciate. Have a happy one, John!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good advice, Debbie. I hope you have a super day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A nice, comical read for a Monday and a holiday I usually dismiss. lol Thanks, John!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah we do too. Thanks, Mar.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the tips on what to avoid, John 🙂 Happy Valentines Day!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t think you need them. Just a hunch.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol…very true.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Some solid advice here, John. Happy Valentine’s Day!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Happy Valentine’s Day to you as well, Jan
LikeLike
You got me on 4 and 9. I have sat near the rest room on this commercial of days, having the Valentine Day’s Special including oysters that allegedly tempt one’s libido like a cobra in a shell. Let’s just say, my oysters were down a quart,
And the roses on the street I just passed on every corner, and you’re right, despite them being flirty in 18 degree weather, by the time they’ll make it indoors, will, alas, die a quick death.
Kinda happy I don’t have to participate. Fun list.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Can you imagine handing the object of affection twelve long stems totally denuded of petals. What a laugh.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s the thought that counts?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes and the vacuum cleaner
LikeLike
Great list, John, and I am so glad I manage to avoid all of those pitfalls 🙂 Greg and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, never had, but neither of us dares miss our anniversary 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
We don’t either. Thanks, Marie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Spoken like a man who has been around the block a time or two. It’s just another day in our household, and we’re both okay with that. I love my wife, and she loves me. That’s what counts.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes that is what counts, Pete. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so glad I got over here before the day is through. My husband (and I) are guilty of all of these! Thanks for the laugh, John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you got a laugh.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the laughs, John! These are great! Hope you’ve had a nice Valentine’s Day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yup. Just another manic Monday. 🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
A funny list for sure. I can only imagine the recipient getting angrier and angrier. Personally, some kind words and my favorite See’s Candy made my day special.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love See’s candy. 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Same here
LikeLiked by 1 person
Okay, I got two wrong. I’m screwed!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Two wrong is like the point of no return. Going to take a ton of jewelry to fix this mess.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aye!
LikeLiked by 1 person
😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yup, I laughed out loud at these. And whoops, I read it a day AFTER V-Day. But I’m an experienced woman who knows what to expect, and not, and what to deliver, and not. Thus, no cards were exchanged, and a veggie pizza was enjoyed by us both for dinner. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good for you. Best kind of V-Day
LikeLiked by 1 person
John, this is one of your funniest!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Jennie. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome, John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOLOL!
Lovin’ these lists.
I got 1 dozen hot pink roses (no bed bugs or other insects) from him.
I made a special dinner for him.
Good thing I can cook!
LikeLiked by 1 person
He is a lucky man.
LikeLike
They are all so true. But the truest thing you said in the whole post was this: “Valentine’s Day does not in itself become the measure of the value of a relationship. However, mess it up, and there will be a substantial discount on the relationship’s value for the foreseeable future.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have messed up a few in my time. Thanks, Andrew.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds like the voice of experience?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Totally.
LikeLike