Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have Spring Fever

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Gábor Juhász on Unsplash

 

This post originally ran on March 15th, 2015. As we approach spring, it is worth another warning.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have Spring Fever

10 If you have spring fever, do not fall in love with everyone you see. If you do, at best, you will get a broken heart. At worst, you will need to deal with all the partners to whom you have been reported for inappropriate sighing. (Not to mention concerning behavior)

9 If you have spring fever, do not daydream at work. If you do, at best, your fellow workers will think you use drugs. At worst, the boss will believe you have a motivation condition that can only be helped with a six-week motivational seminar (Which is being held in Fargo, ND, where spring comes in July.)

8 If you have spring fever, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best, you may waste some material because of inattention. At worst, you may be deep in thought and run the heavy machinery through the shop wall or floor. (Better check to see what is under that 2000 pound wheel.)

7 If you have spring fever, do not operate a motor vehicle. If you do, at best, you may get a fender bender. At worst, you may be pulled over by the state police because you are going the wrong way on the freeway. (Try explaining the concept of spring fever with your hands cuffed behind you.)

6 If you have spring fever, do not lay in a bed of daisies. If you do, At best, you will be allergic. At worst, you might be in contact with a nest of fire ants or bees and will end up in the ER having to explain why you decided to lay in a bed of daisies in the first place. (The story will never come out right)

5 If you have spring fever, do not decide to take the day off. If you do, at best, you will miss some important phone calls. At worst, you will miss the meeting where your boss was going to announce your surprise award for attendance which now isn’t necessary since the office snitch explained that you just didn’t come in today. (I think you can guess who will get the award.)

4 If you have spring fever, do not decide to write poetry for the first time. If you do, at best, no one will ever see it. At worst, you will want to share it with your family and friends causing an immediate interdiction and a nice quiet room for you. (Can you still hear the laughter?)

3 If you have spring fever, do not decide to force the family on a picnic. If you do, at best, all of you will be wet and miserable. At worst, the park patrol will finally find you after several hours of your family being reported lost in the blizzard. (Guess who is not talking to you anymore?)

2 If you have spring fever, do not decide to take up guitar playing. If you do, at best, you will get good enough to be described as awful. At worst, you will be strumming and singing a song and wonder why all the people have left, and all the cats have arrived. (The fish guy started out this way.)

1 If you have spring fever, do not buy a convertible or sports car. If you do, at best, you will be forced to drive it alone. At worst, you will be asked kindly by your partner to return the vehicle to the point of purchase under penalty of a total and complete censure. (Guess how much the car is worth when you bring it back?)

71 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have Spring Fever”

  9. Good list, John. Now, for my latest bit of poetry. Click on my YouTube channel if you want to hear the guitar in the background. It’s worth your effort, just ask these cats.

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  16. Hilarious, John. Reading the list made me realize that I’m getting old. My Spring Fever activities are definitely not as romantic or fabulous as some of yours. My spinach and kale seedlings are coming up and I’m super excited. And the garage is starting to shine. Yep — planting a garden and cleaning the garage always lift my spirits. 😂

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  19. # 4 I am the worst poet with any type of fever, writing verse like there’s a gun to my head. I can just see myself in the Park high on a breeze and the color green, talking to the trees deciding to put it all down on paper. Of course I don’t drink anymore, so I couldn’t blame my grandiosity on gin. Sigh

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  21. Among many other pursuits, I tried learning the guitar in retirement. I ended up with an equal number of callouses and cats, and I still sound like a beginner. Arthritic fingers from years of painting houses in the summers haven’t helped. Oh well, there’s always the piano.😎

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