Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash
We are all not Major League Baseball fans but if you are, here is some advice written back in April of 2016
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This list has inspired the fact that the Major League Baseball season is underway, and there are things you need to know if you plan to attend a game.
Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend an MLB Game.
10 If you plan to attend a game, do not call in sick to work. If you do, at best, no one will see you that day. At worst, you will be highlighted as the 1,000,000th attendee, including an interview playing on the 6:00 and 10:00 news. (You hope that fake nose, mustache, and glasses get up will keep your boss in the dark.)
9 If you plan to attend a game, do not bring your favorite glove in hopes of catching a home run. If you do, at best, those around you will assume you have some kind of mental illness that focuses on balls. At worst, you will have the opportunity to catch a home run ball only to drop it in front of thousands of fans on the jumbotron and those watching the game on TV. (Can you say, “Clumsy idiot,” Bucky?”)
8 If you plan to attend a game, do not drive your car to the ballpark. If you do, at best, you’ll pay more for parking than the ticket. At worst, you’ll have trouble finding a place to park and take up the offer by the guy in sunglasses and a knit cap to watch your car for five dollars. (The tow truck didn’t do too much damage, and you understand a new bumper will cost under a thousand.)
7 If you plan to attend a game and take a date, do not try to avoid the kiss cam by talking on your phone. If you do, at best, this will be the last time with this person. At worst, the commentary from the TV coverage will ensure you may never get a date again. (Sure, you are the Wolf of Wall Street, Ace, and now might be a lone wolf).
6 If you plan to attend a game and want to sit close to the players, do not yell insults that the players can hear. If you do, at best, you’ll get some fierce looks. At worst, you might have to think fast to avoid that Louisville slugger heading your way. (Man! Those bats are hard, aren’t they, Buster?)
5. If you plan to go to the game, do not try to best your old beer per hour record. If you do, at best, you will fall short and be glad later. At worst, you will soundly beat your old record, which you will celebrate by calling trains (Pittsburgh, Poughkeepsie, and Albuquerque) in the ceramic microphone. (Those cheese nachos looked better an hour ago, didn’t they? Ferd.)
4 If you plan to go to the game, do not think it will be a cheap day. If you do, at best, you will have sticker shock at the end of the day. At worst, you will overspend to the point that you realize you could have had a trip to a lovely resort. (Who was to know those peanut’s prices were by the piece rather than the bag.)
3 If you plan to go to the game, do not sit in a part of the stadium where the away team fans sit and root for your team. If you do, at best, everyone will take your loyalties good-naturedly. At worst, you may find that the guy everyone calls Brutus has finally had it with your cheers and decides to give you a close-up view of a knuckle sandwich. (It was a brief look before the lights went out, wasn’t it?)
2 If you plan to go to the game, do not keep up a running chatter about the team and individual statistics. If you do, at best, you have everyone wanting to move away. At worst, while you impress yourself, you are not paying attention to that large man with cauliflower ears pushing people out of his way and heading in your direction. (It seems odd that he can pick you up by the neck, doesn’t it?)
1 If you plan to attend a game, do not assume that the umpire is not qualified and has been on the waiting list for a Lasik procedure. If you do, at best, your accusations of sight and skill problems will fall on deaf ears. At worst, security will help you to a position in the park where no one can hear you. (If you need help, you are now in a place where no one can hear you scream. Heh heh heh.)
Fiction Favorites 
Always thought the Kiss Cam was an evil creation.
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Devil tool.
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Fortunately, my Reds are so bad that I probably won’t be attending any games this year. As a matter of fact – I have watched or listened to one pitch yet!
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Aw. Sorry about that. You should have a MLB team you can root for, Frank.
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I’m the loyal type …. which means in this case I won’t follow the game.
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🤣
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I’ve never attended one since we lack a major league team, but I’ll keep all your suggestions in mind for everyday life. 😀
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There you go. 🤣
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No one over the age of 12 should bring a glove to the game. Good list, John. I’ll keep this in mind if we get to PNC Park this year.
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Yes. By the way, PNC just bought out my bank. Makes me feel closer to the Steelers.
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Haha – One big happy family.
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Yes indeed. Had a PNC customer rep snap at me so I know I was close to Pittsburgh.
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These sound about right to me. I know there are some instances of visitor fans getting roughed up both during and after a game.
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Goodness. I remember being at a soccer game in Germany. The fans were out of control, turning over cars and smashing bottles in the street. Very concerning.
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I went across state and saw a couple of Tampa games, a year apart – this is ALL good advice!!
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Thank you, GP. When I lived on the Coast, I went to the Corpus Christi stadium to watch a game. It was fun.
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I had a great time. I even clapped when the other side made a home run!!
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That’s the spirit.
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I’m not a fan of baseball, but I would rather watch it live on a nice warm day, but I’d pass on the expensive concessions. I’m too cheap!
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I think we all feel that way, Jill.
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Not really a baseball fan. I’d have to take a book with me to stay awake, lol.
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I’m with you, Teri!
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😊
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There you go. Whatever works.
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Sounds like solid advice, John. The only baseball games I’ve ever attended were t-ball games where my grandson was playing. 🙂
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That’s okay. Some of the principles are the same.
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Great top ten list, John. I’ve been to a couple MLB games (NY and San Diego) and the fact that I can only remember the home team and the surrounding area, says a lot about my engagement. Both were fun — sunny days make or break it for me. 😊
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Well you are not really there to root for the visitors. 😊
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😁
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😊
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Good ones, John. 🙂 “Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I don’t care if I never get back.”
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Add a beer in there and I’ll stay forever.
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🙂
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😁
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I live in Chicago.
Nuff said?
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Yes that is nuff.
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All good advice, John. I haven’t been to an MLB game in years. The last time we went, we had trouble finding our car! Took the wrong exit out of the stadium and it was no easy feat finding our way around Arlington, Texas at night.
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Yeah, that area is confusing.
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Ah, Bucky and the ball that got away. Never to be forgotten in Boston. This was so funny, John. Great advice.
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Thank you, Jennie. Glad you liked it.
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You’re welcome, John.
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😊
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The last game I went to was in LA. We were sitting so high I got dizzy! Maybe one more: If you drive to a baseball game, make a map of where you are parked in the parking lot or you will have to wait until almost everyone else has left.
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That is a good idea. I’m always losing my car.
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I’ve only attended one MLB game in my life … and it wasn’t a good experience. We’ll leave it at that! But, if I ever decide to try again, I’ll be happy to take your list with me — thanks, John.
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Yes, good idea.
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Where else can you pay $5.00 for a bottle of water?
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True.
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Good one, John:) It’s been a while since we’ve been to a game. My grandpa always brought his mit to games. I did get a ball out it once, but most of the time it was some thing for me to play with when I was young.
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I think that would be fun going with grandpa.
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It was 🙂
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Another fun top ten list! We used to attend baseball games often when I was younger, so I can appreciate several of your notes. I may or may not have giggled several times!
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Well I hope you did gigle, Mar. Thanks.
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Great list, John, even though we’re not baseball fans. But I generally feel the best seat is at home: easy to avoid crowds, parking is plentiful, and snacks are cheap. 🙂
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Good point. Also there is no loud mouth sitting behind you.
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That, too. 🙂
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Great list, John, but I have to admit, I’ve never been to a baseball game aside from a couple of local games when I was a kid … held on a small grassy plot next to the town firehouse 😉 Some might say I’m unpatriotic, but the truth is, I’m claustrophic.
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Not a good place to be with claustrophobia
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#5 You’d probably go broke before you had that many beers. You’re better off buying a 12-pack and watching at home.
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I agree John. Thanks.
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Baseball fan etiquette – it’s important to learn. The running chatter tip is especially important! Fun post, John 🙂
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Thanks, Barbara.
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Boy, #4 is so true. How can a family afford these games? Is it all corporate patrons. Still, I really like baseball. That Josh Allen guy can really zing the ol’ pigskin😉
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Tough for a family. 😊
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I feel the same way about bringing a glove, which I never did, even as a young un. Too much pressure and besides, a bare handed catch is way more impressive. And hopefully it won’t require X-Rays on the other side . . .
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Ha ha ha ha. I never did either. 😁
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LOL
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#10 would happen to me . . . for sure.
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Me too.
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Lol, your tips are spot on John. People sometimes forget that ‘Big Brother’ is everywhere, so lying about can’t work and getting caught on the Jumbotron or anyone else’s camera is always possible! Nailed it! 🙂
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Thank you, Debby. So nice of you to say such lovely words.
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LOLOL! One of my faves, and I’m not a sports person.
FUNNY!!!!!!
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Oh good. I’m not a sports person either.
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The National Pastime. The days when you could only get a hotdog or a bag of peanuts (without leaving your seat!). There were no night games, no television, and most games were on weekdays (when you should have been at work). The “Boys of Summer,” indeed. Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
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“The nation turns its lonely eyes to you.” Thanks, Andrew.
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Definitely no toting a glove… and draining your bank account by having a beer or two!
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The last game I attended I spent $50 bucks on a couple of marginal burgers and a few beers. Oh yeah, we had fries with that.
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Hey… You had fries with that! More bang for your buck…😏
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A great list. I go to plenty of games, so I’ll try to memorize it.
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Good idea but don’t worry if you can’t. 😁
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