Top Ten Things Not to do if You Plan to Attend a MLB Game

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

We are all not Major League Baseball fans but if you are, here is some advice written back in April of 2016

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This list has inspired the fact that the Major League Baseball season is underway, and there are things you need to know if you plan to attend a game.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend an MLB Game.

10 If you plan to attend a game, do not call in sick to work. If you do, at best, no one will see you that day. At worst, you will be highlighted as the 1,000,000th attendee, including an interview playing on the 6:00 and 10:00 news. (You hope that fake nose, mustache, and glasses get up will keep your boss in the dark.)

9 If you plan to attend a game, do not bring your favorite glove in hopes of catching a home run. If you do, at best, those around you will assume you have some kind of mental illness that focuses on balls. At worst, you will have the opportunity to catch a home run ball only to drop it in front of thousands of fans on the jumbotron and those watching the game on TV. (Can you say, “Clumsy idiot,” Bucky?”)

8 If you plan to attend a game, do not drive your car to the ballpark. If you do, at best, you’ll pay more for parking than the ticket. At worst, you’ll have trouble finding a place to park and take up the offer by the guy in sunglasses and a knit cap to watch your car for five dollars. (The tow truck didn’t do too much damage, and you understand a new bumper will cost under a thousand.)

7 If you plan to attend a game and take a date, do not try to avoid the kiss cam by talking on your phone. If you do, at best, this will be the last time with this person. At worst, the commentary from the TV coverage will ensure you may never get a date again. (Sure, you are the Wolf of Wall Street, Ace, and now might be a lone wolf).

6 If you plan to attend a game and want to sit close to the players, do not yell insults that the players can hear. If you do, at best, you’ll get some fierce looks. At worst, you might have to think fast to avoid that Louisville slugger heading your way. (Man! Those bats are hard, aren’t they, Buster?)

5. If you plan to go to the game, do not try to best your old beer per hour record. If you do, at best, you will fall short and be glad later. At worst, you will soundly beat your old record, which you will celebrate by calling trains (Pittsburgh, Poughkeepsie, and Albuquerque) in the ceramic microphone. (Those cheese nachos looked better an hour ago, didn’t they? Ferd.)

4 If you plan to go to the game, do not think it will be a cheap day. If you do, at best, you will have sticker shock at the end of the day. At worst, you will overspend to the point that you realize you could have had a trip to a lovely resort. (Who was to know those peanut’s prices were by the piece rather than the bag.)

3 If you plan to go to the game, do not sit in a part of the stadium where the away team fans sit and root for your team. If you do, at best, everyone will take your loyalties good-naturedly. At worst, you may find that the guy everyone calls Brutus has finally had it with your cheers and decides to give you a close-up view of a knuckle sandwich. (It was a brief look before the lights went out, wasn’t it?)

2 If you plan to go to the game, do not keep up a running chatter about the team and individual statistics. If you do, at best, you have everyone wanting to move away. At worst, while you impress yourself, you are not paying attention to that large man with cauliflower ears pushing people out of his way and heading in your direction. (It seems odd that he can pick you up by the neck, doesn’t it?)

1 If you plan to attend a game, do not assume that the umpire is not qualified and has been on the waiting list for a Lasik procedure. If you do, at best, your accusations of sight and skill problems will fall on deaf ears. At worst, security will help you to a position in the park where no one can hear you. (If you need help, you are now in a place where no one can hear you scream. Heh heh heh.)

80 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to do if You Plan to Attend a MLB Game”

  10. Great top ten list, John. I’ve been to a couple MLB games (NY and San Diego) and the fact that I can only remember the home team and the surrounding area, says a lot about my engagement. Both were fun — sunny days make or break it for me. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  13. All good advice, John. I haven’t been to an MLB game in years. The last time we went, we had trouble finding our car! Took the wrong exit out of the stadium and it was no easy feat finding our way around Arlington, Texas at night.

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  15. The last game I went to was in LA. We were sitting so high I got dizzy! Maybe one more: If you drive to a baseball game, make a map of where you are parked in the parking lot or you will have to wait until almost everyone else has left.

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  16. I’ve only attended one MLB game in my life … and it wasn’t a good experience. We’ll leave it at that! But, if I ever decide to try again, I’ll be happy to take your list with me — thanks, John.

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  18. Good one, John:) It’s been a while since we’ve been to a game. My grandpa always brought his mit to games. I did get a ball out it once, but most of the time it was some thing for me to play with when I was young.

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  19. Another fun top ten list! We used to attend baseball games often when I was younger, so I can appreciate several of your notes. I may or may not have giggled several times!

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  20. Great list, John, even though we’re not baseball fans. But I generally feel the best seat is at home: easy to avoid crowds, parking is plentiful, and snacks are cheap. 🙂

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  21. Great list, John, but I have to admit, I’ve never been to a baseball game aside from a couple of local games when I was a kid … held on a small grassy plot next to the town firehouse 😉 Some might say I’m unpatriotic, but the truth is, I’m claustrophic.

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  24. Boy, #4 is so true. How can a family afford these games? Is it all corporate patrons. Still, I really like baseball. That Josh Allen guy can really zing the ol’ pigskin😉

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  25. I feel the same way about bringing a glove, which I never did, even as a young un. Too much pressure and besides, a bare handed catch is way more impressive. And hopefully it won’t require X-Rays on the other side . . .

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  27. Lol, your tips are spot on John. People sometimes forget that ‘Big Brother’ is everywhere, so lying about can’t work and getting caught on the Jumbotron or anyone else’s camera is always possible! Nailed it! 🙂

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  29. The National Pastime. The days when you could only get a hotdog or a bag of peanuts (without leaving your seat!). There were no night games, no television, and most games were on weekdays (when you should have been at work). The “Boys of Summer,” indeed. Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

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