Pixabay image
This list was originally posted on August 22, 2016. Since then, the real estate market has exploded, and I’m not sure realtors even have open houses. These days usually list the home and give buyers a week to submit a bid. Someday, the old ways will come back, and this list may be handy when they do.
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The inspiration for this list is having attended some realtor open houses and having an active imagination of the realtor’s reaction if one of the visitors should do any of the things on the list. I am entirely innocent.
10 If you attend a realtor open house, do not make yourself at home no matter what the salesperson says when you arrive. If you do, at best, you’ll be asked to take your feet off the couch. At worst, the police will ask you once to get out of the shower and get dressed. (Don’t make them use that stun gun, Bunky. You’ll look ridiculous on the nightly news especially buck naked.)
9 If you attend a realtor open house, do not think that pot on the stove is hot cider. If you do, at best, the potpourri won’t make you sick. At worst, you’ll find the wood chips and cinnamon sticks aren’t as fun on the revisit. (That ER ipecac treatment was as close to waterboarding as you will get for a while.)
8 If you attend a realtor open house, do not think you can test the bed. If you do, at best, you’ll be shown the door. At worst, your photo ends up at the Multiple Listing Service, and this will be your last open house. (You should have set the alarm before that nap.)
7 If you attend a realtor open house, do not make jokes about the home owner’s relative’s photos. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, the realtor will rat you out to the owner. (You didn’t know this was your boss’s house until you saw his photo in the last frame, did you?)
6 If you attend a realtor open house, do not help yourself to one of the cookies in the kitchen. If you do, at best, that is why they are on display. At worst, you are now painfully aware the cookies were props. (How long will you have to chew that wax before it goes bye-bye?)
5 If you attend a realtor open house, do not turn on the big game. If you do, at best, the broker will ask you to turn it off. At worst, you will still be watching as the owners return to their house. (It’s retty uncomfortable explaining how you came to turn the thing on in the first place. Oh, and how that beer just magically appeared.)
4 If you attend a realtor open house, do not open drawers to have a peek. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, you’ll go into the media room and be able to watch the security camera replay of your bathroom snooping. (Don’t even try to figure out how to erase the file. The central control is locked, and the owner is looking at your performance on a cell phone ten miles away.)
3 If you attend a realtor open house, do not be tempted to open the refrigerator. If you do open it, at best, only the salesperson will know. At worst, the owners return home through the kitchen door just as you look inside the refrigerator. (Your comment about “nice-looking pot roast leftovers” does nothing to ease the tension.)
2 If you attend a realtor open house, do not be tempted to pick a flower or two, no matter how lovely. If you do pick one, at best, you can tell a fib about it being broken off. At worst, you have the flower in your hand and no way to hide the fact from the owner. (The owner happens to be named Tiny and stands seven feet tall and rushed out to his garden to find you with his favorite Zinnia in your hand. You should just fall down now.)
1 If you attend a realtor open house, no matter what, do not turn on the Jacuzzi. If you do, at best, that broken switch will fail to operate. At worst, the broken return pipe will shoot water until the tub is dry. (Of course, you can’t turn off the superheated motor, so you stand by helplessly watching the firefighters try to save the house from the burning lanai.)
Fiction Favorites 
Props cookies sound like a horrible prank.
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Yes indeed.
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My realtor held an open house for me before it sold. Now I’m wondering what went on!
Funny stuff, John.
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Ha ha ha. You’ll never know, Staci.
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Never visit a house where the owner is named Tiny. Good list, John. Care for a pot roast sandwich?
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Ha ha ha. A little mayo please.
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Number 6 cracked me up, John! Great list!
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NO Prop cookies!! You need that homey cookie scent permeating through the house!
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I know right?
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Perhaps realtors should adopt a “you try it, you buy it,” policy?
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This kind of thing happens. Nanny cams see everything.
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Yes they do. Thanks, Craig.
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There was an open house in our neighborhood over the weekend, but I don’t see nearly as many signs for those anymore. I’ve heard of people wanting to take showers to check the water pressure, lol.
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Ha ha ha. Good one
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Ha! Ha! Yes, the days of open houses are gone for now, but as you say, they’ll come back. Things can’t keep going like this. Great list! Definitely don’t strip off and take a shower. 🙂
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Yes might be a sight that one would regret seeing.
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Oh wow! Is this where Tiny first comes into play?? I’d long forgotten his initial appearance — probably I’ve just gotten used to reading about his exploits. Nicely done, John!
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I’m really not sure.
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Boo for prop cookies! If you’re going to bake them to make the smell good they should be there to eat!
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I agree. Thanks, Deborah.
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Good ones, John. 🙂 Now I want a cookie (a real one, not a prop)!
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I haven’t noticed Open Houses in our area, but when house shopping, I always visit the bowl of chocolates and the freshly baked cookies. 😊 Loved your list, John. Plenty of smiles this morning.
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Thank you, Gwen. Happy to give a smile
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It’s true. Realtors no longer have to hold open houses. House goes on the market and poof! Three days later (if that long) it’s sold at way more than it was listed for. The world has gone nuts. What’s gonna happen when these new homeowners realise that nope… they are now living just to pay for the house?
K. Rant over. Love your list 😉 I was amazed at how some people feel free to look in places they have no business (at my open house, yanno, back in the day, like three years ago, when who knew I shoulda kept the house and sold it later?)
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If you kept it and sold it later you would have to pay more for the one you bought. Just sayin.
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Oh, I know… I like delude myself into thinking I still would have had a bigger margin 😉
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I know how you feel. Our house in Sonoma California just sold for $1.9M
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My goodness…
I sold mine for $470K and I bet you, if I had put it on the market now, I could easily have gotten $800K
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Yup
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Oh well… neither here nor there, eh?
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Nope. You have a roof and a pool what else. Oh yes a bathroom too
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And a bed to sleep in. 😊
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Oh yeah.
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I always had real cookies, but I did do the cinnamon sticks in water on the stove!
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Yes an old trick. Thanks, Noelle.
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Do you mean I shouldn’t be taking a soak in the owner’s hot tub?
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Might be a lesson here.
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I went to two open houses on my street. I wondered why there was a need for an open house in this crazy market. Seeing the outrageous sticker price answered my question. One sold, the other still has its sign up. A great list John.
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Thanks, Lauren.
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Can’t help wondering which of those tricks you might have tried 🙂
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My lips are sealed
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The real estate market is so ridiculous right now. What a racket it’s become. Great list, John! I often think about going to open houses just out of curiosity. Now I really want to go … heh heh …
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Yes. You should go.
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I’ve never had a prop chocolate chip cookie before. Unless you can’t the one time I bought some cookies at the natural foods store. I don’t count that time . . .
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Ha ha ha ha.I remember carob UGH
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Ugh
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Heh, heh…with so many people with ‘smart’ houses these days, I feel like Google or Alexa are looking over my shoulder with every step…stalking…just waiting to pound on me when I open my cell phone with targeted ads. It’s bad enough when you’re checking out images of homes on Zillow but to be there in a house in person seems just too creepy from a privacy standpoint anymore.
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“Alexia. How much are these people willing to settle for their house?” 😁
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Bwahahaha!
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🤣 Also, “Alexia. Wheres the cash stashed?”
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Are you ready for this? The latest thing is buyers waving an inspection and appraisal. My assistant teacher just sold their house for well over $100,000 of the asking price, including the waivers. They don’t have a fancy-dancy home, either. Crazy! Well, I think the buyers are crazy.
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What goes up must come down. The market here is slowing down. The interest rate hikes will put a damper on the whole thing.
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Well said, John. The ebb and flow is a constant. The market here is still crazy, but hopefully it will slow down with the rate hike.
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Maybe so.
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LOLOL!
Crazy about #2!
I did know a 7′ Tiny, half a lifetime ago.
He was a bouncer at a strip club.
I had just graduated, and was more or less penniless. I would go around to all the hot clubs on Fridays and Saturdays… paydays and the best nights for the girls to rake in tips.
I brought along complete outfits, bra and g-string sets, etc… that I had made during the week. The girls would snap them up, and I would get to pay my rent and eat.
Tiny was always nice to me, and let me in for free. Some clubs’ bouncers wanted a cut.
Ahhh, the good ol’ days?
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So you were a couture to the stars. Great story. Thanks for sharing.
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Lol! The stars got better as life went on!
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Yes indeed. As they should.
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If I had known one could get cookies (fake or otherwise) at an open house. I might have attended a few.
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Drinks too if you are quick.
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