Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

~ John W. Howell

This post originally ran on October 6th, 2016. It still looks like good advice. I hope you enjoy it.

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Photo by Timeo Buehrer on Unsplash

The inspiration for this list came as I walked around the Mustangfest on Saturday. I swear all of these are made up, and I did not use actual personal experiences to compile this list. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

10 If you attend an auto show, do not touch the cars. If you do, at best, you will be reminded not to do it. At worst, that tall guy with the polish cloth heading in your direction has orders to use his knuckles if necessary to keep people back from the cars. (Just your luck, his T-shirt has “Punch First, Ask Second” silk-screened on the front)

9 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the owner how much was spent on the restoration. If you do, at best, you’ll get a vague answer like “too much.” At worst, you will get an actual number that is said within earshot of the owner’s spouse, followed by a round of bickering. (You can’t escape this one and find yourself on the receiving end of blows from both.)

8 If you attend an auto show, do not insist on a ride in one of the cars. If you do, at best, the owner will try to ignore you. At worst, the owner will call security to have you escorted out. (Security just happens to be handled by the Oakland, California chapter of the Hell Angles. Yes, Tiny is President and happy to help you out.)

7 If you attend an auto show, do not take pictures of cars and people without permission. If you do, at best, you’ll be kindly asked to stop. At worst, you can reclaim your camera in stall one of the men’s room. (It is amazing how low the tolerance level was when you snapped that flash into the face of the big guy asking you to stop.)

6 If you attend an auto show, do not set a beverage container on a car. If you do, at best, you will be asked to leave. At worst, you will cause an apoplectic reaction from the owner that will require an EMS intervention. (I’ll bet you never saw that shade of red on a human face before, did you? Oh, by the way, Tiny was asking around for you.)

5 If you attend an auto show, do not point out flaws in the car to the owner. If you do, at best, the owner will walk away. At worst, you will have said enough to trigger the set point for past anger issues, and the consequences will be noisy at best. (You never knew you could run that fast, primarily through crowds of people. How did you know this was the owner’s first day out of the institution?)

4 If you attend an auto show, do not open anything on the car that isn’t already open. If you do, at best, you will be asked kindly to leave the vehicle alone. At worst, you will open the door, lid, or hatch to a potentially embarrassing situation. (How did you know seven days of laundry was in that trunk?)

3 If you attend an auto show, do not let the children run free. If you do, at best, they will behave as you have taught them. At worst, that all-day sucker that is missing will show up inside the award-winning convertible. (The sad part is your child cries out, “Hey, that’s my sucker,” as the man tries to remove it from his white leather seat. The crowd now turns to you.)

2 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the car owner’s spouse about the family participation in the hobby. If you do, at best, you will get a short reply that broadcasts resentment. At worst, you’ll get an invitation to have a drink that will turn into a four-hour complaint session resulting in a slurred outburst against the whole idea. (Another fine fix you are in, hey, Bunkie. You are lucky not to be named a co-respondent in the divorce.)

1 If you attend an auto show, do not attempt to impress the muscle car owner with the performance attributes of your Prius. If you do, at best, the scoff gives you a hint to move on. At worst, the owner will call a few friends over so that there will be an audience to witness the put-down. (What ever made you think muscle car love had anything to do with fuel economy?)

 

69 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.”

  9. Over the years I’ve been to several car shows. Though I didn’t have your wisdom at hand, my husband and the owners taught me the basics pretty quickly. 😄

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This is a great list, John. I’ve been to car shows where I’ve see a couple violations, including one of No. 5 by my friend. Talk about guilt by association. I’m surprised not to see, “don’t drool on the Bentley…”

    Liked by 1 person

  18. John, all good points. Although, I must say my interest in cars is mostly functional. I’ve never been one to want the best-looking or fastest-driving vehicles. I just want one where the air conditioning or heater will always work. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Great list, John, but gee, it’s so hard not to touch when these things are so beautiful!! I’d never even think of setting a drink down on one of them, but I’d love sitting behind the wheel…if they were amenable!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Great list, John. Gee, I’d be tempted to touch, seeing as how they’re so beautiful. Or maybe to sit in the driver’s seat, if the owners permitted it!

    Liked by 2 people

  23. I imagine spouses may not be aware of all the expenses that have gone into restoring a vehicle. They’re beautiful, but what an expensive hobby! I thought golf was expensive.

    Liked by 1 person

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