Top Ten Things Not to Buy On-Line

Photo by visuals on Unsplash

 

This list ran on September 21, 2015. I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

***

This list is inspired by having some unpleasant experiences with items purchased without having the luxury of trying them out first. Although extreme, this list is representative of some of the potential disappointments a buyer can experience in shopping online.

Top Ten Things Not to Buy Online

10 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cosmetic kit that promises an instant youthful appearance. If you do, at best, you’ll learn that what seems too good to be true is too good. At worst, you will need an intervention by an expensive dermatologist just to remove the facial mask. (And don’t you look good with a Jim Carrey green mask?)

9 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cheap juicer that claims to be as good as the $700.00 version. If you do, at best, you will still be able to use a spoon to eat the pulp that is all you can produce. At worst, the overload on your electrical system as the juicer tries to extract carrot juice will kill your lights and the entire East Coast grid. (And you thought your last electric bill was high)

8 If you are shopping online, do not buy that used car advertised to run like new. If you do, at best, you might get at least fifty miles before your first breakdown. At worst, the claim of running like new had small print where they were referring to a new Yugo. (Yes, that smoke you smell is coming from the engine compartment)

7 If you are shopping online, do not buy that bargain-priced pacemaker. If you do, at best, you may wonder why you are getting the Chicago Bears radio broadcast in your chest. At worst, you may figure out the thing does not keep pace according to the Western ecology. (Yes, it is noon, and you are sound asleep)

6 If you are shopping online, do not buy the do-it-yourself appendix removal kit. If you do, at best, you will have a fool for a patient. At worst, it will be difficult to perform the work and read the instructions. (Yeah, the picture of the appendix looks fuzzy to me too.)

5 If you are shopping online, do not buy those pharmaceuticals that are half-priced. If you do, at best, you won’t be ingesting pharmaceutical-grade cement. At worst, you will have to deal with why your symptoms won’t go away. (Cornstarch is a miracle product but not for the treatment of illness)

4 If you are shopping online, do not buy that half-priced airplane engine part. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty of warning before it fails, which is not critical. At worst, you will learn maybe too late Murphy’s law of airplane parts which states, “The criticality of a plane engine component is directly proportional to its original cost.” (So the half price was attractive up to the point where the ground and you meet un-expectantly)

3 If you are shopping online, do not buy that hotel room at 70% off. If you do, at best, you will only suffer from no view other than the brick wall outside your window. At worst, you will return from your cheap trip only to discover you have brought home some rare and highly reproductive things that move fast when the lights go on. (That is an interesting rash you have there)

2 If you are shopping online, do not buy that robot kit priced way below what you have seen elsewhere. If you do, at best, you may be able to assemble it even though several parts are missing. At worst, once your new robot is ready, you realize it now has control over your house and a Napoleonic complex. (Sure is fun saluting a robot, isn’t it?)

1 If you are shopping online, do not buy that sale-priced action Xbox games. If you do, at best, you’ll find out on level three that your cheats no longer work, and you get killed every time. At worst, in the course of playing the game, you suddenly realize that it is for real, and now you are running for your life. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Hey, look out, that guy has an ax.)

80 comments

    1. Thank you for sharing, Michael.

      Like

  1. Thanks or these funny, but also very useful advices, John! Buying things online can came to something like a lottery, even when sending them back is free of charge. Have a good week! xx Michael

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So true, Michael. Have a good week as well. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Gwen M. Plano · · Reply

    Great list, John. It’s dangerous to buy a cheap hotel online. The adage, “you get what you pay for,” really applies. I’ve definitely learned my lesson. 😄

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is hilarious, John! Number six cracked me up!😂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, Jill. 😁 Glad you liked it.

        Liked by 2 people

    2. I agree, Gwen. I love those rooms where you have to take a shoe with you to bed so that you can toss it on the floor in the morning to scare away whatever has been running around in the night. 🤣

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Gwen M. Plano · ·

        🤣 We can laugh about it now, but at the time…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, indeed. 😁

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I think we’ve all learned some of these lessons the hard way, John. Fortunately, I still have my appendix. I’m sure my tools could be sterilized and adapted…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is one of those “Don’t try this at home,” things. Thanks, Dan

      Liked by 1 person

  4. These are hilarious, John! I could almost relate to some of these.😭

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Vashti. We should avoid most of these if possible. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree.🤦🏻‍♀️

        Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s scary his feasible 7 is.

    Like

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Charles.

      Like

  6. I wish you had published this a month ago. Our like-new Ford Falcon turned out to be more of a Rolls-Canarlly.
    But my wife likes the color. It’s Bondo, but I’m not explaining it to her. A win is a win.
    And it only uses one can of oil about every 18 days. I kinda like it because I can see her coming from two miles away.
    I have to stop now as some neighbors are at my door. Probably a welcoming gift as we just moved in a couple days ago.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. good one, Tom.

      Like

  7. I’ve had to educate hubby and both sons about reading product reviews before ordering anything. Sometimes it’s a hard life lesson to learn.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes it is. Especially when the item turns out to be worthless.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Yikes! If you shouldn’t have bought something from a Ron Popeil infomercial, you shouldn’t buy it online either.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good advice, Liz.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. So very true! What’s the old phrase? There’s a sucker born every minute…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think we can upgrade that to every second.

      Like

      1. Wit the advent of digital sales, definitely! Count me as being one on occasion…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, indeed. Thanks, Noelle.

        Like

  10. I almost spewed my coffee over the bargain priced pacemaker. BBBBWWWWHHHHAAAAA! Good ones, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, not a good substitute. Thanks, Jan

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Here’s something else online we shouldn’t buy: those reviews. Far too many glowing reviews are bought and paid for, and there’s one person providing that clump of 738 positive reviews.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah and it’s a shame. Amazon cut twenty of my reviews on one book for no reason.

      Liked by 2 people

  12. Wow! That airplane part could fuel an entire novel.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. For someone inclined, yes. You can have it.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Buahahaha! In this day and age, everything is available on line. Dangerous…

    Like

    1. Very true, Dale. 🙄

      Liked by 1 person

  14. It can go both ways, but “You get what you pay for” still is at least partially true.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think so too.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. D.L. Finn, Author · · Reply

    Good ones, John 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I think I have fallen for each of those over the years and regretted the majority of them. There is one you have missed however and I only know this because of my mother (honest) Never ask an astrologer for a reading…………….. My mother thought it a thing of the past but it appears there are millions of astrologers out there Lol and they are all short of money.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. I think I will be able to follow that advice, Ray

      Like

  17. Great list, John. I’m not in danger of buying most of those. Lol. But I have one to add – don’t buy shoes online! I only needed to try that one about a hundred times before I learned that lesson. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah we have a never ending stream of arrivals and returns in our house.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha ha ha. What fun

        Liked by 1 person

  18. You’re right, John. Even after seven-odd years, there are still plenty of things one shouldn’t buy online. I suspect we’ve all been burned by something we bought online that failed to deliver on its promises … and then had to be shipped back. Great advice (do-it-yourself appendix removal?? Yikes!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. On that one the patient has a fool for a doctor.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. petespringerauthor · · Reply

    Great list! I expected to see clothing on your list, but all of these are true. We never know if medium means small, medium, large, or extra large when we order online.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is true for sure. Thanks, Pete

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Immortal top list, dear John! Even if on-line shopping dies one day, all the same it will remain immortal. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Dear Maria. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Sage advice, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😊 Thank you, Barbara

      Liked by 1 person

  22. What a great list, John, although I haven’t ordered any of these just yet. 🙂 But I have done my fair share of online shopping. It’s just too easy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Yes it is.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. I figure if I were to customize the Yugo with the half-price airplane engine part, I’ll have a Pontiac Aztek. Oh never mind. Can you pass the half-price pharmaceuticals, por favor?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You want those with or with out Fentanyl?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Let’s get crazy.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This order comes with the family size narcan.

        Liked by 1 person

  24. I suppose ‘what to buy online’ will be a much shorter list??

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Hilarious! Love the robot and appendix removal kit!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. On line shopping sucks, especially shoes!
    Just my Opinion.
    # 3 is terrifying, but a nice cheap price for a rash!
    💋 💋- it was sliding down towards the ox.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Keep the shoe buy/return cycle going. Cheap rash is a bargain. Imagine spending a lot of money for a rash. Not a good idea.💋🐂💋

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah! I can’t afford expensive rashes. Especially not now with inflation. I’ll up you an ox! 🐂💋🐂💋

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I see that OX 🐂 and raise you one.
        🐂🐂💋🐂💋

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I raise that see, and one more kiss!
        (Ha go figure!)
        So… 🐂🐂💋🐂💋OX💋

        (I’m back on Art Gowns working on a Gowntoons post!)

        Like

      4. Ha ha ha. I love it. You are back on a September post. I’ll take that kiss too. 🐂🐂💋🐂💋OX💋 and raise you one.💋

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Well, I just float around, as I feel.
        It took all this time to draw the pics for the new post.
        Okay… 🐂🐂💋🐂💋OX💋💋
        So, I’ll double the load! 🐂🐂💋🐂💋OX💋💋🐂🐂💋🐂💋OX💋💋

        Like

  27. “… do not buy the do-it-yourself appendix removal kit …”

    Now you tell me!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You can still get your money back. (I think)

      Like

Put your favorite fiction or non-fiction in writing. I would love to hear from you

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: