Top Ten Things Not to Buy On-Line

~ John W. Howell
Photo by visuals on Unsplash

 

This list ran on September 21, 2015. I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by having some unpleasant experiences with items purchased without having the luxury of trying them out first. Although extreme, this list is representative of some of the potential disappointments a buyer can experience in shopping online.

Top Ten Things Not to Buy Online

10 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cosmetic kit that promises an instant youthful appearance. If you do, at best, you’ll learn that what seems too good to be true is too good. At worst, you will need an intervention by an expensive dermatologist just to remove the facial mask. (And don’t you look good with a Jim Carrey green mask?)

9 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cheap juicer that claims to be as good as the $700.00 version. If you do, at best, you will still be able to use a spoon to eat the pulp that is all you can produce. At worst, the overload on your electrical system as the juicer tries to extract carrot juice will kill your lights and the entire East Coast grid. (And you thought your last electric bill was high)

8 If you are shopping online, do not buy that used car advertised to run like new. If you do, at best, you might get at least fifty miles before your first breakdown. At worst, the claim of running like new had small print where they were referring to a new Yugo. (Yes, that smoke you smell is coming from the engine compartment)

7 If you are shopping online, do not buy that bargain-priced pacemaker. If you do, at best, you may wonder why you are getting the Chicago Bears radio broadcast in your chest. At worst, you may figure out the thing does not keep pace according to the Western ecology. (Yes, it is noon, and you are sound asleep)

6 If you are shopping online, do not buy the do-it-yourself appendix removal kit. If you do, at best, you will have a fool for a patient. At worst, it will be difficult to perform the work and read the instructions. (Yeah, the picture of the appendix looks fuzzy to me too.)

5 If you are shopping online, do not buy those pharmaceuticals that are half-priced. If you do, at best, you won’t be ingesting pharmaceutical-grade cement. At worst, you will have to deal with why your symptoms won’t go away. (Cornstarch is a miracle product but not for the treatment of illness)

4 If you are shopping online, do not buy that half-priced airplane engine part. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty of warning before it fails, which is not critical. At worst, you will learn maybe too late Murphy’s law of airplane parts which states, “The criticality of a plane engine component is directly proportional to its original cost.” (So the half price was attractive up to the point where the ground and you meet un-expectantly)

3 If you are shopping online, do not buy that hotel room at 70% off. If you do, at best, you will only suffer from no view other than the brick wall outside your window. At worst, you will return from your cheap trip only to discover you have brought home some rare and highly reproductive things that move fast when the lights go on. (That is an interesting rash you have there)

2 If you are shopping online, do not buy that robot kit priced way below what you have seen elsewhere. If you do, at best, you may be able to assemble it even though several parts are missing. At worst, once your new robot is ready, you realize it now has control over your house and a Napoleonic complex. (Sure is fun saluting a robot, isn’t it?)

1 If you are shopping online, do not buy that sale-priced action Xbox games. If you do, at best, you’ll find out on level three that your cheats no longer work, and you get killed every time. At worst, in the course of playing the game, you suddenly realize that it is for real, and now you are running for your life. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Hey, look out, that guy has an ax.)

80 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Buy On-Line”

  3. Great list, John. It’s dangerous to buy a cheap hotel online. The adage, “you get what you pay for,” really applies. I’ve definitely learned my lesson. 😄

    Liked by 2 people

    2. I agree, Gwen. I love those rooms where you have to take a shoe with you to bed so that you can toss it on the floor in the morning to scare away whatever has been running around in the night. 🤣

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I wish you had published this a month ago. Our like-new Ford Falcon turned out to be more of a Rolls-Canarlly.
    But my wife likes the color. It’s Bondo, but I’m not explaining it to her. A win is a win.
    And it only uses one can of oil about every 18 days. I kinda like it because I can see her coming from two miles away.
    I have to stop now as some neighbors are at my door. Probably a welcoming gift as we just moved in a couple days ago.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Here’s something else online we shouldn’t buy: those reviews. Far too many glowing reviews are bought and paid for, and there’s one person providing that clump of 738 positive reviews.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I think I have fallen for each of those over the years and regretted the majority of them. There is one you have missed however and I only know this because of my mother (honest) Never ask an astrologer for a reading…………….. My mother thought it a thing of the past but it appears there are millions of astrologers out there Lol and they are all short of money.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Great list, John. I’m not in danger of buying most of those. Lol. But I have one to add – don’t buy shoes online! I only needed to try that one about a hundred times before I learned that lesson. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. You’re right, John. Even after seven-odd years, there are still plenty of things one shouldn’t buy online. I suspect we’ve all been burned by something we bought online that failed to deliver on its promises … and then had to be shipped back. Great advice (do-it-yourself appendix removal?? Yikes!)

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Great list! I expected to see clothing on your list, but all of these are true. We never know if medium means small, medium, large, or extra large when we order online.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I figure if I were to customize the Yugo with the half-price airplane engine part, I’ll have a Pontiac Aztek. Oh never mind. Can you pass the half-price pharmaceuticals, por favor?

    Liked by 1 person

        2. I raise that see, and one more kiss!
          (Ha go figure!)
          So… 🐂🐂💋🐂💋OX💋

          (I’m back on Art Gowns working on a Gowntoons post!)

          Like

        4. Well, I just float around, as I feel.
          It took all this time to draw the pics for the new post.
          Okay… 🐂🐂💋🐂💋OX💋💋
          So, I’ll double the load! 🐂🐂💋🐂💋OX💋💋🐂🐂💋🐂💋OX💋💋

          Like

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