Top Ten Things Not to Expect From Others

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

 

This post originally ran in November 2015. Since I don’t believe humans have changed much since then, I think it is worth a revisit.

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This list is inspired by a study of the results of expecting others to react in a certain way and being totally fooled. As a reminder, this list is intended for humor only and is not the output of a detailed study on the subject. Universities and corporations should be cautious about asking me to take up residence based on a misconceived opinion that I have some unique qualifications in predicting human behavior. (Hell,o Harvard. I’m talking to you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Expect From Others

10 If you are pulled over by a police officer, do not expect to be excused for the reason you were pulled over. If you do, at best, your friendly attitude might be interpreted as something to hide. At worst, your question of “How do we make this go away?” might be construed as a bribe offer. (You sure look funny on the hood of that patrol car, especially with your arms handcuffed behind your back)

9 If you answer the grocery clerks, question; “Did you find everything today?” with an honest answer about missing items, don’t expect a positive response. If you do, at best, you won’t like what you hear. At worst, the fact that the clerk shrugs and says “whatever” causes you to completely lose your cool and are forcibly removed from the store. (Yes, you were right in wondering why they ask if nothing is to be done, but sitting in this mud puddle is the last thing you expected to happen.)

8 If you call an appliance repair person, do not expect the machine to be repaired on the initial visit. If you do, at best, you will need to rearrange your schedule for another visit. At worst, you will make a fool out of yourself by asking the repair person questions for which they have no answer. (You need to know the first visit is diagnostic. The second is repair, and the third is the repair of the repair)

7 If you go to an electronics store, do not think there is someone there who can help. If you do, at best, you will need to go home and Google your problem more carefully. At worst, you will buy the splitter or whatnot that is supposed to fix the problem only to find you now need a new transformer. (You see, most of the employees have a life and can’t be bothered reading about the technology.)

6 If you place a call to customer care, do not believe anyone you talk to is going to disprove the fact that “customer care” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best, you are in for a bumpy ride indeed. At worst, you will finally escalate the call to someone of higher rank who will tell you to quit bothering them. (Your feelings got hurt, didn’t they? Bunkie)

5 If you spend extra money on a warranty, do not expect your problem to be covered. If you do, at best, the realization that you wasted your money will set in quickly. At worst, you and the warranty company will get into a battle of wills that could end up in court. (Guess who has more money for lawyers?)

4 If you ask your server which entrée they recommend, do not think the recommendation is about the best dish. If you do, at best, you will over-expect what will be under-delivered. At worst, you will realize you have been had by the server in cahoots with the owner to move a dish that even the help wouldn’t eat for dinner, which was free to them. (Don’t send it back. Right, now it is 99% spit-free. It may not come back that way.)

3 If you have a friend in the car business, do not expect a good deal on the car you are about to buy. If you do, at best, you will probably pay 20% more than the friend’s enemies pay. At worst, your friend will take his commission and buy a car that is bigger and nicer than yours without even a thank you. (You will continue to wonder how he could afford such a car, and at some quiet moment, it will hit you.)

2 If you arrange for a contractor to do some work, do not expect the final bill to be at or under the bid price. If you do, at best, the surprise factor of the overrun will cause you a visit to the ER. At worst, you realize you won’t have the money for the additional costs, and your contractor resembles Marlon Brando in the Godfather when he explains how “we have a problem.” (You should have checked with the Better Business Bureau before taking the lowball bid. Now it looks like you are going on a long ride in a big black car.)

1 If you hire a party planner, do not expect the party to be like your original thought. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to relax and enjoy yourself. At worst, the theme you rejected twelve times will be the one for the evening. Although you are trying to keep an open mind, you still are having trouble warming to the zombie apocalypse décor. (Is that a server’s arm lying on the floor?)

85 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Expect From Others”

  2. LOL! I remember this list because of #6. Most of us have experienced the line to Customer Service. Over the years, my frustration has shifted to compassion for those poor souls assigned to that task. Well done, John, as always. 😄

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We have a grocery chain where all the checkout folks ask that question. Their answer if you tell them what you couldn’t find is a I’m sorry kind of response which does no one any good. If anyone gave a real crap they would give the check out folks a way to record the items missing.

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  4. # 8 is so truthful I started cracking up, # 6 has happened more times than I can count and # 3 unfortunately you’re giving me this advice 40 years too late.

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  5. Most grocery store checkers would not appreciate my honest answer to the “did you find everything?” question. If they’d stop shuffling things from one aisle to another, life would be much better.

    As for customer service… well. After getting a credit card hacked (Did I buy that $247 ticket on JetBlue? No, I did not), calling the fraud division was my mistake. Clearly, “English speaker” is defined pretty broadly in some places. I’m good with accents, but fifteen minutes with someone I never could understand was pushing it.

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  15. What a great list! And here in the South, waiting for a service person for something that’s stopped working can take weeks and patience. Our dishwasher took six months, and Hubs hates washing dishes!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. When the grocery clerk asks if I found everything, I’m always tempted to give a smart-ass answer. “No, I couldn’t find those little umbrella things you put into cocktails anywhere. Could you show me where they are? Oh, and I also need a pair of dice to hang onto my car mirror.”

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  18. I get asked THAT question at the grocery store. “Did you find everything?”
    I like to say “ I wasn’t looking for everything.”
    That either gets a smile or a stare like look into headlights.
    Either way, I have fun.

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  20. Well worth a repeat, John. I’m still laughing about #9. It seems people don’t want honest answers to most of the questions they ask. Especially back in DC at the office, coworkers would say “Hihowareyou” slurred together as a greeting. Of course I knew they couldn’t care less. So, when I got evil and answered, they looked at me as if to say “Why are you telling me this?” I don’t think any of them ever understood why I told them…
    Here’s to second cups of coffee on Monday mornings. Hugs on the wing.

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  21. Great list, John!! I’m guilty of doing #4 quite often, especially when we’re trying a new restaurant. So far, I’ve been fortunate! lol

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  22. Each item listed brought a smile and a nod. We just had a lot of work done by a contractor…the final was NOT even close to the estimate. Today, we have a plumber coming over…wonder how that will turn out.

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  24. Where do you find supermarket checkout personnel anymore? I’m waiting for the self-checkout machines to ask if I found everything I was looking for. The end result would be the same.

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  25. Ah … expectations. Yes, indeed, John, some of us learn (kicking and screaming) that things and people just don’t work the way we expect them to. You’ve laid it out well.

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