Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

Photo by Bruno Martins on Unsplash

 

This list was initially published on October 13, 2014. I was 73 when I wrote it, and now I am 81. Checking it over, and it still makes sense. If you are over seventy, pay attention. If not, I hope you get a few laughs.

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This list was inspired by having the opportunity to be around some of my peers over the last couple of weeks.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

10 If you are over seventy, ensure the foreign object you think is in your food is really there. If you don’t, at best, the store manager will give you your money back but will give you that “old person” roll of the eyes. At worst, the object turns out to be your glasses that fell off while you were looking closely to find out what it was. The customer service person will discover this in front of twenty other shoppers.

9 If you are over seventy, do not think you can ride a bicycle at top speed, wipe out and bounce like you did when you were fifty. If you do, at best, you will have a friendly reminder as you soak in a hot bathtub and eat aspirin like M&Ms. At worst, you will be among the lucky few spending several hours in the ER surrounded by one hundred of your closest friends who all got there ahead of you.

8 If you are over seventy, do not try to leave the house without your glasses. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to read the credit card terminal, and the total matches what you bought. At worst, you will be clueless when the bank teller asks you to sign the withdrawal slip made out for you, and four days later, you read in the newspaper that the teller is spending three weeks in Aruba.

7 If you are over seventy, do not decide the surfing competition looks winnable since there is only one entrant in the seventy and above bracket. If you do, at best, you will have nothing more catastrophic than looking like a fool. At worst, you will wipe out and ground yourself on the beach, where the medal committee will erect a monument in your honor.

6 If you are over seventy, do not think your dance routine is still in. If you do, at best, the rest of the crowd will be laughing behind your back. At worst, your performance will take up so much room and bump so many people the bouncer will remove you for your own protection.

5 If you are above seventy, do not go anywhere near a Karaoke machine. If you do, at best, you will get a short slow song you can handle poorly. At worst, you will pull a rap number and scare yourself with the words that scroll across the screen, reminding you that being scared is not suitable for your pacemaker performance or your underwear.

4 If you are over seventy, never drive in the left lane. If you do, at best, you will wonder what all those hand signals mean in the context of driving. At worst, you will have a monster truck come so close to your rear bumper you will be forced to look in the rearview mirror only to swerve into some hapless seventy-year-old next to you.

3 If you are over seventy, do not raise your arms above your head if you are wearing short sleeves; if you do, at best, you won’t notice the extra movement of skin and will think the wind is picking up. At worst, you will cause enough stares to stop traffic with those undulating biceps that seem to have headed south.

2 If you are over seventy, do not go to a restaurant any earlier than 7:00. If you do, at best, you will get the early bird menu and won’t really find green Jell-O to your liking. At worst, a youthful server will insist that you will genuinely enjoy the breaded fish sticks instead of the sizeable juicy steak you intended. “Besides,” she says. “It is much easier to chew.”

1 If you are over Seventy, do not try to tell stories about how great it was in the old days. If you do, At best, you will be finishing your stories to yourself. At worst, you will notice people running away as you come close, and it won’t be because you have worn the same clothes for five days. (well, maybe)

91 comments

  1. I will try to remember all of these, John… although I can’t promise!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Number 11. Do not try to remember things. Try to remember to write them down and where you left the list. 😁

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I think I’m avoiding most of these, John, although I do spend time in the fast lane on the three-lane motorway (that’s the right-hand lane here). That happens particularly when the first two lanes slow to fifteen mph below the limit on seeing a police car or camera trap (or when trucks are racing each other in lanes one and two at twenty-five miles per fortnight!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. You are entitled for sure. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Not quite there yet, John, but that gives me time to study. That left lane thing is going to be hard, but I’m getting the idea. Speeding used to be slower.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Dan. You can use the left lane if you have a lead foot. Its the 10 miles below the limit in the left lane that gets me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 10 miles over the limit in CT, and especially MA will get someone running up your butt and full on gestures.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I remember on I 95 ten over was slow lane stuff.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I haven’t gone near a Karaoke machine since my early 20’s. Thanks for the warnings, John!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My last was when I turned 65. Should have just sat down. Thanks, Jill

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Too funny, John. I think I’m faithful to all your points. BTW, I’ve hit that marker and think of the 70s as a transition decade – between youth and old age. It’s a great time for reflection on one’s life and what one still hopes to achieve. 😊

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yeah and when you round 80 you tend to decide achievement is relative. Thanks, Gwen.

      Like

  6. I think I’m following this advice at 50, lols! 😂 Have a wonderful week, John 💕🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Harmony. Have a wonderful week as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve never been a fan of karaoke or surfing at any age, but I sure will keep this list in mind — for when I’m over eighty! At seventy-five, I’m still the one directed ‘thoughts’ if not hand signals to the creeper in the left lane.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I give them what is called a greedy thought in my brain. Thanks, Linda.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Well gee, John, now I’m down right depressed. Not even ONE surfing attempt?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Go ahead. Just wear a life vest and make sure all the paperwork is filled out as to what to do with the pile on the beach.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There we go with all that paperwork again!

        Like

  9. I need to print this for reference as I keep getting closer to this age.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Don’t forget to leave a note as to where to find the printout.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Always willing to help

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I hope I can remember these things in 20 years.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Write a note in your hand with the link. It will still be here I’m sure.

      Like

  11. #4 applies to my MIL. When she still drove, she always stayed in the left lane because she “liked it better”. Lots of horn blowing and hand gestures, lol.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I think #1 is inevitable. Everyone does it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You may be right, Charles.

      Like

  13. John, so many truisms, the glasses, the loose skin and especially #10. That reminds me of a time…John? John? Hmmm, I thought he was here…

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I’m not over seventy (yet), but I don’t go anywhere without my glasses. I probably have at least a dozen pairs of readers.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Well, I’m over 70 and some of these are right on! Especially about the good old days, although my kids seem to enjoy those stories as well as other 70 year olds!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would continue to tell them, Noelle. 😁

      Like

      1. Oh, I will! I’ve even written some down!

        Liked by 1 person

  16. A great list for sure. I have a couple of years before 70, and your list already fits. I have never surfed nor sang in public. I don’t want to go that way, LOL

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have and it’s not a good way to go for sure.

      Liked by 2 people

  17. Definitely gave me some laughs, John! Even in my 30s, I abide by some of these. Helps when you’re a homebody!! lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes it does, Mar.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. It’s sometimes hard -maddening, in fact- to keep my age in mind in normal activities… even harder during special events. But, like your list says, to ignore my age can bring negative effects.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It can be amusing, if I think about it. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  19. I accept the warnings thanks John. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My pleasure, David.

      Like

  20. D.L. Finn, Author · · Reply

    I will keep all of these in mind, John 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Where was the one about not even thinking about going on Jeopardy. Because instant recall is not so instant anymore.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha ha ha . Good one, John

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Oh my! Well, the title applies as I am now 71 and I’m not going to admit that any of the rest applies. Well, maybe #7, 6, 5, 4…oh hell. A few of them for sure. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Jan

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Great list, John. I never admit to age, but it’s next-to-impossible to hide everything! Thanks for paving the way to things that lie ahead.

    Like

  24. A lot of these apply to over 60 too, John. Lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Thanks for the reminders, John! I will try to avoid doing these.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We all should.

      Like

  26. Heeding these warnings should help prevent the dreaded “OK, Boomer” response.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. petespringerauthor · · Reply

    I’m getting closer all the time, turning 64 later this year. I’m already a prisoner to my glasses.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I wouldn’t go anywhere near a surfing contest NOW. I’ll watch though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You and me both.

      Liked by 1 person

  29. […] Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age […]

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  30. Eyewear and the seventies go hand and hand together, don’t they?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Except I had cateract surgery and have thrown away the glasses totally.

      Liked by 1 person

  31. While my age doesn’t “qualify” for this list for about five more years, I unfortunately have found a number of these items are already in play with regard to my day-to-day. Maybe 70 isn’t the new 50 after all. Maybe 70 is still 70, and 65 might as well be 70?…🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it is all relative. I’m 81 and feel 39.

      Liked by 1 person

  32. Beginning to identify with them signs. But you don’t need to know that I am 50+. I think mine is a case of being more like 70–.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like the idea of 70-. 😁

      Like

  33. John, I laughed my head off. I’m there. Now I need to rethink if I have the opportunity to do Karaoke.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did it and still cringe.

      Liked by 1 person

  34. I am just a few months away from this magic number John… and already in trouble with many of these. Wearing a mask has been a mixed blessing as it does tend to disguise some of the more evident reminders of your age.. but now most are not wearing it is possible to look like you are intent on mischief in the store..fun post as always hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes there is the risk of being watched. Thanks, Sally

      Liked by 1 person

  35. Got news for you, John… no. 8 in your fifties… no bouncing back like you were twenty… just saying!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good update, Dale. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  36. Didnt thought life after 70 will be this much harder 🤔🤔

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wait until you hit 80. Takes courage to be a senior.

      Liked by 1 person

  37. I can’t wait until you update this and do the “Over Eighty” version.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I need to work on that.

      Like

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