Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Bruno Martins on Unsplash

 

This list was initially published on October 13, 2014. I was 73 when I wrote it, and now I am 81. Checking it over, and it still makes sense. If you are over seventy, pay attention. If not, I hope you get a few laughs.

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This list was inspired by having the opportunity to be around some of my peers over the last couple of weeks.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

10 If you are over seventy, ensure the foreign object you think is in your food is really there. If you don’t, at best, the store manager will give you your money back but will give you that “old person” roll of the eyes. At worst, the object turns out to be your glasses that fell off while you were looking closely to find out what it was. The customer service person will discover this in front of twenty other shoppers.

9 If you are over seventy, do not think you can ride a bicycle at top speed, wipe out and bounce like you did when you were fifty. If you do, at best, you will have a friendly reminder as you soak in a hot bathtub and eat aspirin like M&Ms. At worst, you will be among the lucky few spending several hours in the ER surrounded by one hundred of your closest friends who all got there ahead of you.

8 If you are over seventy, do not try to leave the house without your glasses. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to read the credit card terminal, and the total matches what you bought. At worst, you will be clueless when the bank teller asks you to sign the withdrawal slip made out for you, and four days later, you read in the newspaper that the teller is spending three weeks in Aruba.

7 If you are over seventy, do not decide the surfing competition looks winnable since there is only one entrant in the seventy and above bracket. If you do, at best, you will have nothing more catastrophic than looking like a fool. At worst, you will wipe out and ground yourself on the beach, where the medal committee will erect a monument in your honor.

6 If you are over seventy, do not think your dance routine is still in. If you do, at best, the rest of the crowd will be laughing behind your back. At worst, your performance will take up so much room and bump so many people the bouncer will remove you for your own protection.

5 If you are above seventy, do not go anywhere near a Karaoke machine. If you do, at best, you will get a short slow song you can handle poorly. At worst, you will pull a rap number and scare yourself with the words that scroll across the screen, reminding you that being scared is not suitable for your pacemaker performance or your underwear.

4 If you are over seventy, never drive in the left lane. If you do, at best, you will wonder what all those hand signals mean in the context of driving. At worst, you will have a monster truck come so close to your rear bumper you will be forced to look in the rearview mirror only to swerve into some hapless seventy-year-old next to you.

3 If you are over seventy, do not raise your arms above your head if you are wearing short sleeves; if you do, at best, you won’t notice the extra movement of skin and will think the wind is picking up. At worst, you will cause enough stares to stop traffic with those undulating biceps that seem to have headed south.

2 If you are over seventy, do not go to a restaurant any earlier than 7:00. If you do, at best, you will get the early bird menu and won’t really find green Jell-O to your liking. At worst, a youthful server will insist that you will genuinely enjoy the breaded fish sticks instead of the sizeable juicy steak you intended. “Besides,” she says. “It is much easier to chew.”

1 If you are over Seventy, do not try to tell stories about how great it was in the old days. If you do, At best, you will be finishing your stories to yourself. At worst, you will notice people running away as you come close, and it won’t be because you have worn the same clothes for five days. (well, maybe)

91 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age”

  2. I think I’m avoiding most of these, John, although I do spend time in the fast lane on the three-lane motorway (that’s the right-hand lane here). That happens particularly when the first two lanes slow to fifteen mph below the limit on seeing a police car or camera trap (or when trucks are racing each other in lanes one and two at twenty-five miles per fortnight!)

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  5. Too funny, John. I think I’m faithful to all your points. BTW, I’ve hit that marker and think of the 70s as a transition decade – between youth and old age. It’s a great time for reflection on one’s life and what one still hopes to achieve. 😊

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  7. I’ve never been a fan of karaoke or surfing at any age, but I sure will keep this list in mind — for when I’m over eighty! At seventy-five, I’m still the one directed ‘thoughts’ if not hand signals to the creeper in the left lane.

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  16. A great list for sure. I have a couple of years before 70, and your list already fits. I have never surfed nor sang in public. I don’t want to go that way, LOL

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  18. It’s sometimes hard -maddening, in fact- to keep my age in mind in normal activities… even harder during special events. But, like your list says, to ignore my age can bring negative effects.

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  23. Great list, John. I never admit to age, but it’s next-to-impossible to hide everything! Thanks for paving the way to things that lie ahead.

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  31. While my age doesn’t “qualify” for this list for about five more years, I unfortunately have found a number of these items are already in play with regard to my day-to-day. Maybe 70 isn’t the new 50 after all. Maybe 70 is still 70, and 65 might as well be 70?…🙂

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  34. I am just a few months away from this magic number John… and already in trouble with many of these. Wearing a mask has been a mixed blessing as it does tend to disguise some of the more evident reminders of your age.. but now most are not wearing it is possible to look like you are intent on mischief in the store..fun post as always hugs

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