Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Papaioannou Kostas on Unsplash

 

This list was first published on February 16th, 2016. I still this it is good advice today.

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This list is inspired by a weekend out-of-town and overhearing some of the darnedest things said by others.

Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

10. When others can hear you, do not ask your partner if they brought the money. If you do, at best, we all know you’re okay to spend. At worst, the mugger behind you will love the confirmation you should be ripped off. (Could have whispered that one, right?)

9 When others can hear you, do not ask a server if the food is good. If you do, at best, they’ll walk away to get water, and you have no more information than when you arrived. At worst, they will lie and say it is all good, and you now have a choice to order or leave. (Gotta wonder why you came here in the first place)

8 When others can hear you, do not negatively comment on the neighborhood decline. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you will have offended Little Bubba, who just happens to be the new POA president and local gang lord. (I guess that answers the question about your missing tires when you return to your car, which is now on cement blocks)

7 When others can hear you, do not ask the butcher if he has any better cuts of meat. If you do, at best, he will say that all his cuts are on display. At worst, he will be offended at the implication of poor quality and explain to everyone in line you are obviously not a judge of good meat. (Better than being chased around the store by a half-crazed man with a butcher knife)

6 When others can hear you, do not discuss your plans for the evening. If you do, at best, you’ll sound like an idiot. At worst, the local cat burglar who followed you here will make a note of the hours of your absence from your house. (The rooms do look bigger now that you have no furniture.)

5 When others can hear you, do not complain about your neighbors. If you do, at best, those that hear have no idea who you or your neighbors are. At Worst, those that hear are relatives of your neighbors and are now approaching you with malice in their eyes. (As a side note, they are all members of the Dingle Brothers kickboxing team.)

4 When others can hear you, do not answer “how are you doing?” with anything but “fine.” If you do, at best, your story will sound a notch south of pathetic. At worst, you will come home to a ringing phone, and it will be your mother calling to find out the problem. (If it was that bad, you should have told her. Right?)

3 When others can hear, do not try to impress them with your knowledge of anything. If you do, at best, you will sound pompous. At worst, the person hearing you will be an expert in the area on which you are pontificating and be quick to point out how wrong you are. (Man, who was to know that guy was an oenophile?)

2 When others can hear you, do not try to get a better price on a car. If you do, at best, the salesperson will try to direct you to an office. At worst, the salesperson will announce loudly that the car is below cost now and can’t take one more penny off. (Imagine that. The price is written in sharpie black)

1 When others can hear you, do not try to talk the police officer out of a ticket. If you do, at best, you have guaranteed the officer will write one up. At worst, you might be the cause of a call for backup and a charge of trying to bribe an officer. (Your “Ten Bucks” offer for the Policeman’s Ball ticket was a little out of line.)

90 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear”

  12. And that is why it is called polite conversation. And polite conversation never mentions that it is also called survival conversation. Kinda like walking up to a floating poker game in a shady place and asking if you can buy enough bullets to reload your piece before the game starts… yes you have just restarted the game in a different direction… hold on tight and be ready to duck !

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  17. Hah, these are all really really good advice! The only one where I might disagree is asking the server about the food–I would just tweak and ask what they recommend or what they like best. When you see them hesitate you know they don’t like any of it!

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  22. I find it amazing the things people will yak into their cell phones, completely oblivious to who’s listening. Of course, we writers would be remiss in our duties if we didn’t listen in!

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  24. Tom mistook Norm for Cliff – Cliff is the one who “knows everything” (I know ‘coz I’ve been re-watching the series lately!
    As for this list; always good to read, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. #5 for us. We’ve got this strange neighbor who apparently watches out the window for us to go out on our patio. It never fails – he comes out ot mow the lawn or gets out his blower.

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  26. That #5 caught me. Perhaps I should stop referring to one of my neighbors as ‘the crazy cat lady.’ After all, what’s crazy about taking your two cats out four times a day for a little fresh air — in a baby buggy?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well I have to tell you that Twiggy had a torn ACL and in order for her to go on a walk she had to either be carried or in a stroller. Since she is 25 pounds we went for the stroller option. Twiggy is the kind who loves her walks twice a day so to leave her home was not an option. It worked well and she is now completely healed.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, that makes sense; in Twiggy’s case, a stroller was a perfect solution. My neighbor’s critters don’t seem to need the stroller, since they’re constantly escaping its confines to chase squirrels up trees!

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  27. Though it’s not a verbal announcement, I’m always surprised by the number of people who will post on Social Media about an upcoming trip (dates included) or while they are on the trip. Maybe that’s just my post law enforcement paranoia kicking in.

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  34. Okay, #9 is obvious. Whatcha think they’re gonna say? And #3 … well … I’ve been guilty of that right here on this site on more than one occasion. But I’m not pompous. I’m just trying to elevate you lesser mortals to my realm of being.

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