Photo by Antenna on Unsplash
This post originally ran on May 16th, 2016. Since cocktail parties are still going on, I think it will be helpful.
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The inspiration for this list came after attending some parties recently. Although I’m not a psychologist, I can only surmise the individuals I happened to run into were behaving abnormally. In searching for truth, I Googled social disorders and came upon “Cocktail Party Guest,” and the explanation became clear. I hope you enjoy the list. If you are, at times, a cocktail party guest, know this list is with love.
Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Cocktail Party Guest
10 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say, ”How are you?” If you do at best, you will only have to stand for ten or so minutes for the rundown. At worst, you will be forced to take the person home with you since you are now forced into the position of Good Samaritan. (You had hoped they would say, “Fine,” like everyone else, didn’t you?)
9 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say you are a writer. If you do, at best, the person will tell you some stories they will write. At worst, you will be forced into a corner and have to tell the person they remind you of Ernest Hemingway. (Of course, maybe one of those stories will be your next novel)
8 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say anything about your last vacation. If you do, At best, you must attempt to get away after the second holiday story. At worst, you will watch your ice melt as you go on a verbal tour of all the continents. (Don’t you wish a trap door would open and drop you ten stories to the furnace room.)
7 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say, “What do you do?”. If you do, at best, they will try to convince you they own the city. At worst, they will be in the selling profession and won’t let you go until you sign up for a cleaning product pyramid scheme. (Wasn’t this the project you read about where all the company officers went to jail?)
6 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not ask where they live. If you do, at best, they will assume you are trying to type their social/economic status. At worst, the person will believe you are a cat burglar and have designs on their jewels and money. (In each case, you didn’t get an answer, and the latter begs the question, did you enjoy the police escort home?)
5 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not be the first to mention your kids. If you do, at best, the person has you outnumbered by a factor of two children. At worst, the person you are talking to has just returned from Washington, where they witnessed the President giving their child the Student of the Year award. (Man, it could not get any more humiliating than that, huh, Bunky?)
4 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not raise a political point. If you do, at best, the person is a political science professor at the college, and you are in for a pretty long evening. At worst, the person is a member of a splinter group who has the destruction of the two-party system as a mission. (How do you feel going home with your very own AK 47 gift)
3 If you happen to talk to a cocktail guest, do not admit you know nothing about Doctor Who or Marvel Comic characters. If you do, at best, you will need to find someone else with which to talk. At worst, the person will take the next three hours to provide the background and in-depth synopsis of every episode or character. (Remember to relax your knees occasionally so you don’t pass out.)
2 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not make a negative comment about the party. If you do, at best, the person will disagree and then tell the host. At worst, you will make your unfortunate comments to the unknown spouse of the host, who just happens to play golf once a week with your boss. (That meeting with the boss on Monday might be a bit tense, hey Bud?)
1 If you happen to talk to a cocktail guest, do not keep calling them by the wrong name. If you do, at best, the fourth correction will verify you are an idiot. At worst, unbeknownst to you, this person has been hired by the company you work for to come in and weed out the deadwood. (You may not be too old to find another job. Yeah, Right?)
Fiction Favorites 
Used to run into #9 all over the place. Not so much these days.
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So true. Thanks, Charles.
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I don’t go to these parties anymore, either they bored me or I was guilty of this whole list – I’m not quite sure! 🤪
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I love this response. Thanks, GP.
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LOL! I’m in GP’s camp! 🙂
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Me too. Thanks, Jill.
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So funny…and wise. I’m going to keep these in mind that leaves me with nothing to say 😂
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🤣 I’m sure you would have plenty to say.
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I can bore the bejesus out of the best of them. 😉
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Me too 😁
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Hahaha, why do people keep moving away ? I’ll hang out by the buffet.
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The shrimp look pretty good.
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Let’s hang out there . Where do you live… reaching family pics.
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Here’s a couple of photos of my dogs. I live in the suburbs (of course) of Austin. How about you?
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Oh joy, let’s share pics. Here’s my trip to Conn. also a few everyday pics from Florida, so hot here. Have a coconut shrimp.
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Thanks for the shrimp. Have some of this Beluga caviar. Goes well with this Louis Roederer : Cristal 2008
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Now you’re talking. We’ve come to the right place 🍾
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For sure. 😊
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🎉
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😊
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Cocktail party or not, I learned a long time ago there are certain people you never ask how they are. Unless, of course, you want their entire medical history! Naturally, they’ve had every problem in the book. 🙂 Good ones, John.
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I know a few like that. Thanks, Joan 😁
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I’ve only been to a few cocktail parties, and they were work-related. My role was to play nice and roam – which I managed to accomplish, no matter what my thoughts were screaming. 😄 Good ones, John.
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Yes, play nice and roam is great advice. Thanks, Gwen. 😁
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My role at such work parties was to stand in a corner and look awkward.
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LOL… You are too funny, Liz. I’m sure I looked awkward too. 😄
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😀
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Sounds familiar, Liz 😌
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🙂
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Good ones, John. But like GP, I no longer go to those events, for multiple reasons. 🙂
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I’m in the same situation, Tim. 😊
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Oh so many of these made the list, John. I hate parties. Fortunately, I don’t have to go to many these days. However, asking “how are you?” at the bar frequently leads to someone blathering about their vacation, their job, their kids, their house and how all those things are better than mine.
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Yeah. We all hope for a “fine how about you?” That is my standard when asked. Then I have to listen to the “how about you,” stuff.
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My father drummed it into our head – “Fine, thanks, how are you?” Which sometimes has the same result.
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Good drill.
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👍🏻
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😊
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John, very fitting list for 2016. Can you imagine what that list would look like in today’s world.
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“Don’t stand next to me,” would be one thing I would advise saying. Thanks, Dan
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Not been to such a party in a long, long time! Do not miss them. Good advice on all points.
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Me either, Karen. Used to go but not anymore. In my bed at 9:30
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I found that I can end these types of conversations quite easily. I just bend over and take off my shoe and sock. Then just hold my sock. That usually ends the speech I was listening too.
I hope it works for you next time.
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I’d love to see that. Probably pee my pants laughing.
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Haha! Wise advice. ‘Course, that doesn’t leave much to chat about, eh?
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There is always the weather.
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No kidding!
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I’d rather stick a hot poker in my eye than go to a cocktail party. (Not be graphic or anything.)
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I would say a pin in the eye is graphic. A poker has a degree of savior faire.
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Ha ha! Thank you for the laugh–I needed it.
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You are welcome. 🤗
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Great list I will keep in mind next time I attend a cocktail party, John 🙂
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Ha! Ha! #2 would be just my luck. 🙂 Good ones, John.
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Thank you, Jan. Never a good idea to offer an criticism when eating and drinking for free.
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I am guilty of so many of these! This is why I am not in love with cocktail parties – which now are usually wine and beer. And politics? Never!!
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I share your love of parties.
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🙂
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Now i know why I never make it past the front door John.
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Great line, Cindy. Thanks. 😁
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Guests are ganging up against writers trying to take the fun out of cocktail parties 🙂
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It looks that way, Ankur.
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Luckily I can hang with the Marvel crowd. But when I’ve mentioned I write books – that’s made several people tell me about the books they’d like me to write. And they’re usually nowhere near my genres, lol.
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John, I laughed my head off! Fortunately my cocktail party faux pas wasn’t as bad as these 10.
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That is a good thing, Jennie
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Until right now, I’d forgotten about that 1950s and 1960s necessity: the cocktail dress. I think I’ll go have a Tom Collins or a Manhattan, and forget about conversation.
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Good idea, Linda. 😊
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Reblogged this on https:/BOOKS.ESLARN-NET.DE.
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Thanks for sharing, Michael.
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My pleasure, John! xx Michael
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😊
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Attending a party always needs a lot of preparation. Thanks for the tipps, John! xx Michael
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There are plenty of ways to make a fool out of yourself too.
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That’s true, John! I am always encouraged to do it. Lol xx Michael
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Me too. 😁
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Having read this I think its best if I just don’t attend any cocktail parties, John. It won’t be a hardship for me.
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Sounds like a plan. 😁
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I used to love cocktail parties and got good at getting out of awkward conversations. Like, “Oh I’m sorry but I need to catch so and so before they leave,” or “I’m not sure about those shrimp, where’s the nearest washroom?” or “I’d love to chat but I need to call the babysitter and see if the kids are all right.”
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All good ways to move away, Darlene.😁
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Oh dear, busted. I’ve been the Doctor Who know-it-all at the party!
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I’m sure the folks loved it. 😁
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If I ever get invited to a cocktail party again I’ll be sure to bring your list along. I can’t quite remember, but I think the last time I was at a cocktail party the cops were called and I was hauled away. I pled “no contest,” but I swear, I have no memory of sexually assaulting that goat. But I’m sure if anything was going on, it was consensual. She was such a temptress!
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I have had nights like that but with folks that smelled like goats. Was thankful for the ride downtown.
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