Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Cocktail Party Guest

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Antenna on Unsplash

 

This post originally ran on May 16th, 2016. Since cocktail parties are still going on, I think it will be helpful.

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The inspiration for this list came after attending some parties recently. Although I’m not a psychologist, I can only surmise the individuals I happened to run into were behaving abnormally. In searching for truth, I Googled social disorders and came upon “Cocktail Party Guest,” and the explanation became clear. I hope you enjoy the list. If you are, at times, a cocktail party guest, know this list is with love.

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Cocktail Party Guest

10 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say, ”How are you?” If you do at best, you will only have to stand for ten or so minutes for the rundown. At worst, you will be forced to take the person home with you since you are now forced into the position of Good Samaritan. (You had hoped they would say, “Fine,” like everyone else, didn’t you?)

9 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say you are a writer. If you do, at best, the person will tell you some stories they will write. At worst, you will be forced into a corner and have to tell the person they remind you of Ernest Hemingway. (Of course, maybe one of those stories will be your next novel)

8 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say anything about your last vacation. If you do, At best, you must attempt to get away after the second holiday story. At worst, you will watch your ice melt as you go on a verbal tour of all the continents. (Don’t you wish a trap door would open and drop you ten stories to the furnace room.)

7 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say, “What do you do?”. If you do, at best, they will try to convince you they own the city. At worst, they will be in the selling profession and won’t let you go until you sign up for a cleaning product pyramid scheme. (Wasn’t this the project you read about where all the company officers went to jail?)

6 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not ask where they live. If you do, at best, they will assume you are trying to type their social/economic status. At worst, the person will believe you are a cat burglar and have designs on their jewels and money. (In each case, you didn’t get an answer, and the latter begs the question, did you enjoy the police escort home?)

5 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not be the first to mention your kids. If you do, at best, the person has you outnumbered by a factor of two children. At worst, the person you are talking to has just returned from Washington, where they witnessed the President giving their child the Student of the Year award. (Man, it could not get any more humiliating than that, huh, Bunky?)

4 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not raise a political point. If you do, at best, the person is a political science professor at the college, and you are in for a pretty long evening. At worst, the person is a member of a splinter group who has the destruction of the two-party system as a mission. (How do you feel going home with your very own AK 47 gift)

3 If you happen to talk to a cocktail guest, do not admit you know nothing about Doctor Who or Marvel Comic characters. If you do, at best, you will need to find someone else with which to talk. At worst, the person will take the next three hours to provide the background and in-depth synopsis of every episode or character. (Remember to relax your knees occasionally so you don’t pass out.)

2 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not make a negative comment about the party. If you do, at best, the person will disagree and then tell the host. At worst, you will make your unfortunate comments to the unknown spouse of the host, who just happens to play golf once a week with your boss. (That meeting with the boss on Monday might be a bit tense, hey Bud?)

1 If you happen to talk to a cocktail guest, do not keep calling them by the wrong name. If you do, at best, the fourth correction will verify you are an idiot. At worst, unbeknownst to you, this person has been hired by the company you work for to come in and weed out the deadwood. (You may not be too old to find another job. Yeah, Right?)

81 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Cocktail Party Guest”

  5. Cocktail party or not, I learned a long time ago there are certain people you never ask how they are. Unless, of course, you want their entire medical history! Naturally, they’ve had every problem in the book. 🙂 Good ones, John.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’ve only been to a few cocktail parties, and they were work-related. My role was to play nice and roam – which I managed to accomplish, no matter what my thoughts were screaming. 😄 Good ones, John.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Oh so many of these made the list, John. I hate parties. Fortunately, I don’t have to go to many these days. However, asking “how are you?” at the bar frequently leads to someone blathering about their vacation, their job, their kids, their house and how all those things are better than mine.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I found that I can end these types of conversations quite easily. I just bend over and take off my shoe and sock. Then just hold my sock. That usually ends the speech I was listening too.
    I hope it works for you next time.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Luckily I can hang with the Marvel crowd. But when I’ve mentioned I write books – that’s made several people tell me about the books they’d like me to write. And they’re usually nowhere near my genres, lol.

    Like

  21. Until right now, I’d forgotten about that 1950s and 1960s necessity: the cocktail dress. I think I’ll go have a Tom Collins or a Manhattan, and forget about conversation.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. I used to love cocktail parties and got good at getting out of awkward conversations. Like, “Oh I’m sorry but I need to catch so and so before they leave,” or “I’m not sure about those shrimp, where’s the nearest washroom?” or “I’d love to chat but I need to call the babysitter and see if the kids are all right.”

    Liked by 1 person

  27. If I ever get invited to a cocktail party again I’ll be sure to bring your list along. I can’t quite remember, but I think the last time I was at a cocktail party the cops were called and I was hauled away. I pled “no contest,” but I swear, I have no memory of sexually assaulting that goat. But I’m sure if anything was going on, it was consensual. She was such a temptress!

    Liked by 1 person

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