Photo by Creative Christians on Unsplash
This was run on June 17, 2017. Since we still have smartphones, I think it still works. I hope you enjoy it.
* * *
10 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to send a breakup message. If you do, at best, the message will fail to deliver. At worst, your message will be received just after the recipient has paid a no-return deposit on the condo you were to share. (Talk about awkward, Idiot.)
9 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to video record those embarrassing family moments. If you do, at best, you will be convinced to trash the video. At worst, your clip is now on YouTube with a million likes. (Yes, your family is well-known for its stupidity. Too bad they can’t show their face in public, Putz)
8 If you have a smartphone, do not think you must reach the last level of Candy Crush. If you do, at best, your phone will quit working. At worst, you will still work to achieve the level even as your family has finally given up all contact. (Can you say obsessed, Bert?)
7 If you have a smartphone, do not think anyone wants to see your pictures. If you do, at best, you may find a hapless victim who feigns interest. At worst, most people you show your treasures are sound asleep at the end. (Of course, they are now a captive audience huh, Buford?)
6 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can take pictures without permission. If you do, at best, you may be told to stop doing so. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ you just photographed, has confessed to his therapy group how camera-shy he has become due to being more open in the discussions. (You are very right to begin running, Buster. I think Tiny is gaining on you, though.)
5 If you have a smartphone, do not publicly ask the robot assistant a question. If you do, at best, you won’t be understood. At worst, your question was so inane that now everyone realizes you are an idiot. (“What is the temperature today?” was a real crowd pleaser, Goober. Go sit down and be quiet.)
4 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can watch a video and walk simultaneously. If you do, at best, a few bumps by passersby will convince you to stop. At worst, being airborne due to walking into a taxi will give you time to think about next time. (You must now prepare for the second collision with the ground, Tex. Here’s hoping there is a next time.)
3 If you have a smartphone, do not take any selfies you wouldn’t want your mother to see. If you do, at best, she’ll never see them. At worst, those little photos you made for your friend’s eyes only are now featured on the Instagram gross photo of the week. (And you thought the cloud was an iron-clad secure place huh, Dufus?)
2 If you have a smartphone, do not be afraid of that ringing sound. If you are, at best, you can stop it by answering with a “hello.” At worst, the distraction of the ringing causes you to take extraordinary measures that finally silence the ringing. (You did know that water is harmful to a smartphone, right, Bucky? And BTW, smartphones were initially designed for phone calls. That’s what all that ringing was about.)
1 If you have a smartphone, do not operate any other machinery while using it. If you do, at best, you will get one chance with no consequences. At worst, you may hurt yourself and others, especially if you are driving a car. (But you know all this, right, Bunion?)
Fiction Favorites 
The closest I’ve come to breaking any of these rules was #1. I never text or talk while I’m driving, but I’ve been known to take a quick glance while stopped at a red light. Of course, glances like that need to be quick. If you don’t go-on-green, that lunkhead behind you may take action, from laying on the horn to getting out the bazooka.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Definition of ‘split second’ is the time between the light changing to green and the dope behind you honking.😁
LikeLiked by 3 people
You’ve driven in Boston, have you, John? 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes I have.😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gee, how did I guess? 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are right about the honks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Even with all the hands-free gadgetry, I still see people monkeying with their phones as they drive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I see that all the time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know I’m part of a minority – believe it or not – I do not own a smartphone.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Either does my husband. I use mine as little as possible, GP. They’re ruining our society…at least that’s what I think. 😦
LikeLiked by 2 people
I have to agree.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My opinion as well. Thanks, Jill.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Believe it or not, I believe it. 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know me too well!
LikeLiked by 1 person
😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good for you, GP!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ugh…people and their smartphones drive me bananas! GP has the right idea.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love when they put it on speaker so we all can enjoy the inane conversation.
LikeLiked by 1 person
These are funny. They remind me of that commercial for Progressive insurance with Dr Rick teaching people how to not turn into their parents.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Those are funny, Lois. “We just got here, Let’s not talk about leaving” 🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha, good one, Lois!
LikeLiked by 2 people
You know, I think GP has the right idea. People are addicted to their phones.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree, Joan. They are missing out on a lot.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Both of my sons have friends that did #10. That’s cold.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very cold. Thanks, Teri.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why do feel like #9 is routinely broken? It’s like certain social media platforms run on embarrassing moments.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Some of the videos are excruciating to watch for sure.
LikeLike
I would add a #11. Do not write your term paper on your smartphone and expect to get an A. (Good luck with those hanging indents on the References page.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
If you have a smart phone, don’t drop it in the toilet by accident. (Never use a smartphone in the bathroom!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good advice, Noelle.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My friend Dan still uses smoke signals. When the wind is out of the East I can sometimes read them. If the wind is too strong it causes confusion. Such as “ass” instead of “ask”. There are many other guffaws.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wonder if smoke signals have autocorrect?
LikeLike
He said he does have ottocorrect.
Other days he will use drums.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good idea. 😁
LikeLike
I second Noelle’s advice. Don’t use your phone in the bathroom!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Vera.
LikeLiked by 1 person
One must be smarter than their smartphone. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
One would hope. Thanks, Tim.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A vendor at one of the tech conferences I used to go to had a treadmill at their booth. you got on, using your phone for texting with one of the associates. Meanwhile a video was playing in front of you and you had to push a button in order to avoid obstacles and accidents. If you made it for the full (I think) 5 minutes, they’d give you a license for their software. I don’t think they ever paid out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. Sounds like some evil contest thought up by software nerds
LikeLiked by 1 person
Still appropriate, John, perhaps now more than ever. It seems hard to go anywhere these days without running into people so glued to their smartphone that they zone out to the present.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree, Debbie. I feel sorry of them. They miss a lot.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s scary how some things never change. Great list, John, timeless. 😄
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Gwen.
LikeLike
Great list, John! Too bad too many people are guilty of every item on your list. Sometimes I worry that I use my inappropriately, but after reading your list, I’m good 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of course you’re good. Thanks, Marie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Breaking up by phone could really go wrong. Besides, that’s pretty much a low-class way of breaking up. I had a few break-ups during my dating times, but I think those always happened in person, either instigated by the girl, me or mutually agreed upon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah one should face a break up directly. Thanks, Pete.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good reminders! I keep my use of my Smartphone simple – half the features I don’t even use, For sure I can’t text and walk at to the same time but I don’t leave home without it. Stay as cool as possible. They say phones should not be left in hot car or just out in the sun at the beach.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Trying to stay cool, Jo. Above 100 fro the next ten days. Good advice on leaving the phone in the sun.
LikeLike
All good advice! I would add do not leave your cell phone in the public restroom at Steak ‘n Shake, for when it’s returned, you may find you have made a bunch of new friends, some named Bubba.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah. I think I would trade that one immediately.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Terrific, John!
LikeLiked by 1 person
😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
While I confess I do find smartphones ‘somewhat’ useful…there seem like the beginning of the fall of the somewhat decent civilization. People never seem to realize they can filter the use of this modern tool..before they fall into an open manhole cover. Awk.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Most folks don’t want filters.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think they want them, just not for themselves.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, yes. You are so right.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the list, dear John. Time passes but it is still urgent! 🍤🍤🍤🍻
LikeLiked by 1 person
One must be careful with what is done with a smartphone. Thanks, Maria.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😂😂😂 And one is still doing the same…How odd,isn’t it? 😨😪🤨 My pleasure, dear John!
LikeLike
I notice one you did not have on your list. “When you have a smartphone, do not set the text setting to read out your incoming texts.”
I did because I don’t have many people who text me (no surprise there). But I have one friend who, shall we say, has a “potty mouth” and I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been in a public place when, all of a sudden, F Bombs start emanating from my pocket at full volume. And I can never get to the phone fast enough to lower the volume before everyone in the place is looking at me as though I was Charles Manson … or worse!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can just see it now.
LikeLike
Getting scarier by the day. Can’t seem to find a youngster walking on the road who is not looking into his/ her phone. Am surprised there are not more smartphone-related accidents.
LikeLike
No breakups, not ever . . I agree with that Boss. Also, anyone who takes a pic of Tiny unsolicited deserves what they get.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The selfie close-up of five knuckles is the reward.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yikes
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know right?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ok
LikeLiked by 1 person