Top Ten Things Not to Do While Camping

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Kevin Ianeselli on Unsplash

This post ran on June 5th, 2017. I think folks still camp, so it may come in handy. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list was surveying the damage after the Memorial Day weekend. Several campsites were either blown or washed away. Such a situation caused the development of a list that might save others from a similar fate.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Camping

10 If you are camping, do not arrive in the dark to set up. If you do, at best, you might accidentally choose a high dry spot. At worst, your camp was pitched in a low area that the forest animals routinely use as a freeway. (Nothing like having a family of Coyotes in your sleeping bag huh, Bradley?)

9 If you are camping, do not go to the site without having tested new equipment. If you do, at best, your stove has no fuel, and it’s trying to cook over a fire time. At worst, your water purifier kit is missing a part, and now you have nothing to drink but Bud Light. (Okay, so maybe you don’t mind, Buford, but the family looks like they are in the beginning stage of dehydration.)

8 If you are camping, do not think you will be immune to insect bites, and not take repellent. If you do, at best, you’ll have to hope the mud stops the itching. At worst, you might be the only member of the team to come down with malaria. (Who knew that the only Anopheles mosquito in North America had a crush on you, Leroy?)

7 If you are camping, do not take the weather reports lightly. If you do, at best, you have not planned activities that can be done in inclement weather. At worst, you may experience what it is like to be cold, wet, and hungry for several days. (You could have done the same thing in your backyard, right, Doofis?)

6 If you are camping, do not think you can buy more food at the campsite. If you do, at best, your trip will end early. At worst, your attempts to borrow food from other campers will be met with the same welcome extended to bears. (You also learned a lesson about challenging a bear at the dumpster, huh, Bunky?)

5 If you are camping, do not think your fellow campers welcome your loud morning wake-up music. If you do, at best, the park management will help you pack. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ, having been advised by his anger management counselor to go camping for the peace and quiet, is now heading toward your site with a good morning greeting of his own. (It won’t help to ask Tiny to put you down. He’ll be thinking of a body slam, Tex.)

4 If you are camping, do not forget the first aid kit. If you do, at best, the rule of camping that says, “someone will get hurt,” might pass you by. At worst, in one day, your group will have two sprained ankles, a dislocated shoulder, a fish hook in the eyebrow, and poison ivy. (The funny thing is all these things happened to you, Burt, and it wasn’t even noon on the first day yet.)

3 If you are camping, do not count on a hot shower. If you do, at best, you’ll have to use a cold lake. At worst, you are now attracting wild things from the forest and are being asked to sleep outside the tent. (Your stubbornness regarding hot water is not paying off, is it, Buster?)

2 If you are camping, do not arrive at the campsite without a reservation. If you do, at best, a standby spot will open up. At worst, you, the family, and the dog will be sharing the backseat of your Toyota Corolla. (At least you all have learned what makes each of you really mad right, Putz?)

1 If you are camping, do not think you can recreate the luxury and convenience of your home. If you do, at best, you will come up short. At worst, the lack of electricity and air conditioning will finally push you over the edge. (You might as well admit camping is not for you, Ferd.)

96 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do While Camping”

  2. Such memories you have awakened… Have set up at night (not ideal); have forgotten bug repellent; have had wet trips… nope. Once we moved from tent to pop-up tent trailer to trailer, there was no going back. I want me a bed, a/c, an inside space in case of inclement weather… I kinda miss that, to be honest!

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  7. I have a friend who sold her house three and a half years ago, bought a small camper van, and hit the road. She’s still going — the last time I talked to her she was in Kansas City, trying to decide between Minnesota and South Carolina — but every one of the things you’ve listed would be appropriate for people who choose those ‘movable campsites,’ too!

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      1. It was… interesting. Fortunately, I survived the storm without huge pine trees being blown down on the tent. We were in a KOA campground and my husband “conveniently” decided to stay in the showers for the duration of the storm. 🙂

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  12. I only camped in my early 20’s, John and only with my ex and her family. I broke rules 10, 9 and 7. My SIL broke number 3, and I was on the other side of number 5, but I wasn’t as big as Tiny, so I had to politely ask. Hmmm, I wonder why the Editor never wanted to try camping???

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  17. And another thing, how do you select your names ?
    Bradley
    Buford
    Leroy
    Doofis
    Bunky
    Tex
    Burt
    Buster
    Putz
    Ferd
    Glad I didn’t make the list Ralph
    😀😀😀

    Liked by 1 person

  19. The rednecks where I live here in LA (lower Alabama) would take umbrage with #5. Doesn’t everyone like a little Leonard Skynyrd first thing in the morning? 🙄
    Great list, John. Love all the names.

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  20. Great post. I failed twice at Number 10 – on the same night! First, we set our tent up on dry ground that 3 hours later was awash from a nearby tidal creek. Who knew? Then after hastily moving to higher high ground and sleeping soundly, we were awakened by a scrabbling noise…coming from within the two-person tent. The beam from my flashlight revealed a prehistoric-looking beast. The two-person tent had become a two-person one Armadillo tent. Armadillos are surely present-day proof of the continued existence of prehistoric life forms. Thanks for the memory-provoking post!

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      1. Thanks, John. Fortunately the Armadillo segment of the night was laughable real-time in the moment once the initial shock wore off. An armor-plated critter with beady eyes in my tent?!? Not even Disney could invent such an animal.. I don’t suppose Twiggy has ever encountered one while out chasing – or embodying – that Puma in the backyard?

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  23. I haven’t been camping in some time, but I do love the primitive side of being one with nature. I always enjoy your lists, John, and I always leave smiling.

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  24. #1 is why I’m not much of a camper, John. There’s just no way to recreate the “luxuries” of home when on the road! Those insects, cold showers, and food cooked on a fire aren’t too appealing, either. But you’ve got a nice, inclusive list for those so inclined.

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  25. John, I have great stories I could tell about more than five of these cautions, which we ignored. Camping became quite a topic of conversation. PS We don’t camp anymore!

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  30. Re: Your comment above. (When I was a boy scout it was fine. )

    When we were boy scouts, we had adults around to make sure we got into no trouble. Perhaps that’s why everything was fine.

    At my age, I think I’d try #1 even though you advise against it.

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  31. Thanks for the list, John. On my one and only camping trip (3 days), no one brought coffee. 😳 The crawl to the coffee pot when we got back home was not pretty. We just saw the new Indiana Jones movie (wonderful) and couldn’t help but think of Tiny at that early morning blast of music. 😀

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  35. Never camped, but the insects and the weather remind me of sleeping under the stars along with my grandparents. Of course, all we had to do was run inside the house when faced with inclement weather. It does seem that the world was a much safer place then. The place was in the open. Anyone could have come in there while we slept. Nobody ever did.

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  36. Number 6 hits home, never expect to buy food at the campsite. But honestly, this comes from a lack of experience and not researching where you’re going.

    At least, that’s how I’ve made this blunder a few times, since being in southern Ontario we have all the comforts nearby, then you get up north and there’s not even a gas station for 200 kms. 😥

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