Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Trail Ride

~ John W. Howell

Today’s post was run on July 17th 2017. I know most don’t do trail rides, but hopefully, you’ll get a chuckle out of the list.

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The inspiration for this list was receiving a photo of a couple who had gone on a trail ride. My last ride was in Aspen, Colorado, but I still remember the experience. We were riding at 8,000 feet in the Rockies, and the sights were hard to describe. Hope you enjoy the list, knowing not many of you take trail rides routinely.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Trail Ride

10 If you are on a trail ride, do not think beach wear is appropriate on a horse. If you do, at best, the little chaffing will be soothed by lotion. At worst, a cactus encounter will yield a trip to the ER. (Those thorns certainly make a mess, huh, Buford?)

9 If you are on a trail ride, do not let your horse bite the mount of Tiny, the WWF champ who is on a horse for the first time. If you do, at best, Tiny will keep his seat. At worst, Tiny will be airborne, and once he lands, He’ll want to “talk” to you. (You know Tiny tends to talk with his knuckle megaphone, right, Tex?)

8 If you are on a trail ride, do not think you can ignore your guide. If you do, at best, you’ll not get lost. At worst, you will only be lost until the forest service helicopter spots you. ( How do you like that five-figure search and rescue bill, Ferd?)

7 If you are on a trail ride, do not think your needs are the only ones that need to be addressed. If you do, at best, someone will set you straight quickly. At worst, you may find yourself walking back to base by yourself. (It might have been that statement about needing a china plate for lunch that was the last straw, Bosco.)

6 If you are on a trail ride, do not get off your horse unless the guide tells you. If you do, at best, you might find a way on your own to get back on. At worst, you frightened the horses behind you, and now all are running for the barn. (Wonder why no one is talking to you, Pal?)

5 If you are on a trail ride, do not ask if there is a vegan choice for an entrée at the campfire dinner. If you do, at best, the grizzled guide will give you a look not to be forgotten. At worst, your guide will hand you a plate that he swears is meatless. (You should have arranged your choice ahead of time, Buster. Is that something moving in the meatless dish?)

4 If you are on a trail ride, do not forget to take water. If you do, at best, you have to hope the guide has bottled water. At worst you’ll have to drink from the guide’s canteen. (Was that a hint of chewing tobacco backwash in that last drink, Bunky?)

3 If you are on a trail ride, do not irritate your horse. If you do, at best, he won’t dump you on the trail. At worst, at 8000 feet, your horse will decide to trip slightly, giving you the opportunity to apologize. (The apology better be sincere and fast, Roscoe.)

2 If you are on a trail ride, do not think you have to act like John Wayne on a cattle drive. If you do, at best, your fellow riders will ignore you. At worst, yippie yi ki yay is horse language for dump this idiot. (How did you get on the ground so fast, Putz?)

1 If you are on a trail ride, do not try to keep up with your texts and e-mails. If you do, at best, you’ll finally lose a signal in the mountains. At worst, your horse will detect you are not paying attention and will take the opportunity to gallop to the barn early. (Looks like you are barely holding on, Roy. That screaming is very becoming as well.)

 

72 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Trail Ride”

      1. It was. I’ll never forget the feeling of being on the battle field looking up at Little Round Top and hearing the guide describe the canon fire that would be coming toward us.

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  7. With luck, I’ll never need to consult this list again. It’s a good one, but I’m never going to test out my fantasies of being a real cowgirl on the back of one of those creatures.

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  11. My last trail ride was also in Colorado. The only thing I might ass, is, when you are on a trail ride, do not let your horse find delicious things to eat along the way or you will never get to your destination!

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  12. It’s been a long time since I’ve ridden a horse. Your Top Ten Things took me back to my youth, and pat on the back, I think I successfully avoided the worst of the Ten. 😊

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  17. It’s been years since I was on a horse (and that wasn’t a guided trail ride but an outing with friends). My poor bottom gets sore, just thinking about it! Not sure your advice will serve me in the future, though I must admit it’s excellent!

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  18. I’ve never been on a horse at all, and I don’t think I’ll ever be, as much as I’d like to. I think I’m getting a little too old for that. Plus, Mary wouldn’t like it.
    My German orthopedic doc told me once, that some of the worst injuries they see are from falls off horses. e used to say “A horse is dangerous at either end and uncomfortable in the middle.”

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  20. I’ve never been on a horse, even if I would have liked to.
    While I was still teaching, I used to tease those young girls that were in love with horses, telling them my definition of a horse: “A horse is a hay-filled monster that seeks a human’s life.” 😉 Or, as my German orthopedic doc used to say, “A horse is dangerous at either end and uncomfortable in the middle.” 😉

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  21. These are very funny, especially the first one. As a cowboy’s daughter, I know of these city-slicker faux pas. I was at a cowboy event in Arizona once and mentioned I was a vegetarian. The grizzly cowboy gave me extra beans and two baked potatoes and said, “That’s OK miss, more steak for the rest of us.” And winked.

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  24. Well if I start behaving like John Wayne, I’m sure the horse is going to be irritated at me, in which case he’ll throw me off and bolt. So yeah, I best have some water for the long walk back.

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  29. Okay, here’s my story:

    Once upon a time, in my fabled youth, I was visiting a friend of my of mine. A real cowboy he was. Somehow he talked me into getting on a horse. We were going to take a leisurely ride around the pasture. I was uneasy … it was my first horse after all. But I bucked up, put on my manly face, drank three ounces of vodka and climbed up on the saddle.

    Everything was going great. My horse was sauntering all over the place like the nice horse he was. Then my friend rode up and said, “Let’s go!” With that he spurred his horse and took off at a gallop. I did nothing, but my stupid horse thought that looked like fun and took after my soon-to-be ex-friend and his stupid horse.

    If I said whoa! once, I said it a thousand times. I was bouncing up and down and saw my life flash before my fear-stricken eyes at least twice. But the horse (the stupid horse) would not stop. Yeah, yeah, I know. So you don’t have to say it. I WAS pulling on the reins. But to no avail.

    Then the trees loomed up ahead. Many menacing trees with many, many low-lying branches. The trees kept coming closer and closer. The horse kept up his insane galloping. I kept yelling WHOA!

    At the last minute, I ducked under a branch as big and round as battleship. If battleships are indeed round.

    After the horse missed his chance to decapitate me, he gave up the effort. As soon as he slowed down, I jumped off the beast, cursed out my ex-friend, and went in search of a bottle of booze to quiet my jangled nerves and a good woman to hear my story of woe and give me succor.

    Y’all can picture it from there.

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