Photo by Fahmi Fakhrudin on Unsplash
This list was published on September 27, 2017. I think coffee still has its magic, so I hope you enjoy it again or for the first time.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do Before You’ve Had Your Coffee
The inspiration for this list came from the various and sundry things that needed to be done to begin to get back to normal after Hurricane Harvey. I haven’t done any of these, but it was fun pretending, and I would certainly have some coffee before trying.
10 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with a Government representative. If you do, at best, you’ll have to excuse your behavior. At worst, the US marshalls will call in reinforcements to help extricate you from the room. (Who would have thought raising your voice would have caused that reaction, Baltazar?)
9 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not call your cable provider to request service. If you do, at best, you’ll be on hold for an hour. At worst, you’ll get to talk to Tiny, the WWF champ who just got released from his sociopath support group. (The two of you are having an excellent debate. Why does he keep wanting to know where you live, Banjo?)
8 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not take your car in for service. If you do, at best, they will honor your appointment time. At worst, you’ll sit in the lounge for an hour trying to avoid being stepped on by two hyperactive toddlers. (They have already apologized for the fact the coffee machine is out-of-order. You might as well try to relax and, for heaven’s sake, quit thinking about that letter you plan to write to the CEO of the service company, Barnaby.)
7 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the license bureau to renew your driver’s license. If you do, at best, you’ll get a low number for service. At worst, you have pulled number 208, and they are now serving number four. (The drive-through at McDonald’s wait now looks like a breeze compared to this, huh, Beaudoin?)
6 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the bank to ask for a loan. If you do, at best, it is a bank holiday. At worst, you will finally admit that you really need the money and will, therefore, be denied the loan. Too bad your decaf state caused you to forget the rule about “Those who have gets,” Bellamy.)
5 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with your boss to discuss your career. If you do, at best, your boss caught the flu and is out sick today. At worst, your discussion could have taken a nasty turn when your boss suggested you need some additional training. (If you had some caffeine, Benjamin, maybe you would not have pounded on the boss’s desk, causing security to escort you to the parking lot. Tomorrow ought to be interesting.)
4 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to complete that delicate experiment with the new product at work. If you do, at best, you’ll come to your senses. At worst, you are now in a position of being responsible for a complete redo. (You were sure your shaking hands would not be a factor, right, Bennet?)
3 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to write that breakthrough chapter in your book. If you do, at best, you and the keyboard will have a staring contest. At worst, you will forge ahead and write what you think is the best stuff you have ever done. (It’s really tough to file 13 all those words, isn’t it, Bodee?)
2 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not read that last two-star review. If you do, at best, you’ll be diverted by a natural disaster. At worst, even though some of the points may be well taken, you vow out loud to hunt the person down and hit them with a poison dart. (Sure, it’s the lack of caffeine talking, but you are scaring the kids, Braddock.)
1 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to create that meaningful post that you hope everyone will love. If you do, at best, the typos will kill you. At worst, only after you have posted and read what you have written do you see the similarity to the Unabomber manifesto. (Good luck getting that one canceled off all the social media sites, Brayden.)
Fiction Favorites 
Sounds best to not do anything before coffee.
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I wish I had a brewer at the bedside.
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All are quite true, John. The last one had me in stitches though because I know it isn’t safe to be in the same building with me before my coffee!!
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Great gif, GP. I’m like you. Gotta have it.
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I’m fasting for a blood draw, John. I wasn’t sure if that included caffeine, so I’m currently without. I could continue writing my thoughts on this topic, but that might cause you to break precedent and add a Number 11 to the list. I will add, if you haven’t had coffee, don’t think that water is an effective substitute.
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Black coffee is okay for a blood draw. I’m not a doctor but have thousands of blood draw experiences. Your number eleven conflicts with Jill’s observation. Of course it matters what effect one is looking for in the coffee.
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I normally take it with milk, but since I’ve had two appointments get cancelled, I think I can go with black for the third attempt.
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Don’t you guys have walk in blood draw places?
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We do, but they didn’t have a slot available. My doc scheduled me at his office. First time the phlebotomist was out sick. Rescheduled for today but told when I arrived, “we don’t do them here anymore.” Now booking with Quest.
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I hate when there is a run around. Especially when the caffeine level is in the red.
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I think I’ll have another cup.
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Me too.
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Big smiles John… Mine would be my herbal tea.. LOL.. 🙂 And my typos are horrendous often with or without my drink fix lol. 🙂
Loved reading through John.. xx ❤
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Typos have a life of their own. No amount of coffee or tea can drown them. Thanks, Sue. 🤗
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Totally agree…. And AI at times wants to totally rewrite your errors to what it thinks it should say 🙂 xx
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Grammarly is like that for sure.
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Great list, John. Number one was hilarious! I love my coffee dark and strong. I have learned, though, that if I drink an entire bottle of ice-cold water immediately after getting up, I get the same effect.
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Hmmm. That sounds different.
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Do not drink coffee and read ‘poison dart’ at the same time. At best you’re still wearing your pajamas. At worst your clean shirts are in the laundry and you have a big meeting today. 😀 Thanks for the great laughs, John.
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Glad you like it, Jennie. Thanks for letting me know.
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😀
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😊
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Life without coffee would surely be a different world. Hmm, after reading your Top Ten Things, I don’t think that world feels safe. Great post, John. 😄
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A very unsafe world for sure. Think about all the cultures that drink coffee.
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More wise words, John. Had to laugh about #1. I’m not a coffee drinker, but I don’t function well before I’ve had my iced tea!
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I can understand that for sure. Thanks, Joan
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Since I don’t drink coffee, I figure I’m pretty safe. Just don’t get between me and my Diet Coke.
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Caffeine all acts the same.
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I try not to do anything requiring brain power, tact, diplomacy, agility, etc. until I’ve had my coffee!
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I think that s very smart, Dale.
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😉
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All of those things are the reasons why coffee is the second thing to get done every morning. After going to the bathroom, of course. 😀
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Yes. I agree. Thanks, Tim.
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I’d say this coffee-addicted person shouldn’t be let out of the house without his keeper.
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Or on a leash.
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Make that leash a short one!
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Yup.
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Your mention of Harvey brought one more caution to mind: if you’re prepping for a hurricane, don’t forget the canned or bottled coffee. It will make everything else slightly more tolerable while you’re waiting for the power to come back on.
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Excellent idea, Linda. COSTCO has a killer cold brew in cans.
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If you have not had your coffee, do not attempt to have a meaningful conversation with your spouse!
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That is great advice noelleg44 !!
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😊
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Or anyone. Thanks, Noelle.
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Great Blog – Top Ten. Your names crack me up Baltazar. A morning without my two cups (black) is not a pretty sight.
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I can imagine.
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All good advice, John!
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Thank you, Denise.
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Ha! Ha! I can relate to all of these. Must have the caffeine fix before tackling anything. 🙂
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I agree. Cup of Joe then take on the world.
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I’m not a coffee drinker, but I can still appreciate your list, John. In fact, most of the items you’ve included can be misery-inducing, coffee or no, right? I mean, who wants to wait in line for anything these days?! And dealing with the government, car repair places, cable providers and the DMV is never much fun!
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So true Debbie but without coffee they all become very dangerous.
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This sounds like great advice. I never do anything before my first cup of coffee. I have found it a good rule to live by.
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The best rule, Molly Shea.
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Practical advice, John. Coffee first! We were caught without coffee a couple of mornings right after Harvey and it was hard to pick up those fallen tree limbs without coffee or do anything. Have a good week.
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Yes I need mine before anything. Thanks, Jo
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Basically, if I ain’t had coffee I don’t go outside of communicate with the outside world, at all. That’s the best idea for me.
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Me too. I was stopped by a cop once and I told him that I was fasting for a blood draw and hadn’t had any coffee yet so I was rushing to the lab. He let me go with a warning. I did not tell him to go ahead and shoot me which is how I really felt.
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Hahahaha!
Only a fellow coffee lover would understand the truth in this comment.
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😊
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all so true.. so true 😂
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This could be a much shorter post. Just do NOTHING.
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My process for sure. 😁
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It was also a timely reminder. Just after reading your post we decided to step out for coffee and some errands. When the wife asked “coffee first or errands first” I was ready with the right answer 🙂
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Glad you were prepared. 😁
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Ha! Ha! Number 6! “No money? Sorry, we only give that out to people who want to borrow money for the fun of it.”
Still a funny and relevant list for today, John.
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Thanks Mark. So glad you liked it. 😊
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😁😁😁 Great list, dear John! If you have not had your coffee…don’t start your day! It will be senseless! Thank you! 🍤🍤🍤🍻
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So true.
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☕☕☕☕☕😎😁
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🍩☕️
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Yummy! Yummy! 🙂
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In the tummy.
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😂😂😂
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😁
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I got one for ya.
If you’ve not had your coffee, good. Your next meeting is with the Red Cross and coffee does not go well with cheese sandwiches. I recommend a couple of quick shots of vodka. You’re gonna need it dealing with those Red Cross bastards.
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In Hurricane Harvey I met a few of those Red Cross Assholes. I agree on the bracer. I would do bourbon and coffee. Thanks, Andrew.
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Good tips John. Many things should not be done before coffee first! Lol 🙂 (P.S. I noticed your blog is now telling me I AM NOT following you, and won’t allow me to hit ‘follow’ again. Are you hearing any other probs from anyone? 🙂
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WP does a slip now and then. I noticed you did the right thing which is to unfollow and then follow again. Thanks for letting me know.
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Oh great John! It didn’t allow me to follow, but when the comment box dropped, it showed I am not following (arg!) and gave me the option to follow there. 🙂
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Hmmm. WP is a pain at times.
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Almost a month now. 😦
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Aaarrrrgggg
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To be quite frank, if you have not had coffee, it is probably best you restrict all activities except breathing. Nothing is safe pre-caffeination.
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I agree. Even breathing should be done with caution. Thanks. 😁
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coffee: because adulting is hard, and caffeine is cheaper than therapy!
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Much cheaper. Besides I never had therapy that tasted good.
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