Photo by Mike van den Bos on Unsplash
This post ran on September 18, 2017; given the coming winter storm weather, it could happen to all of us.
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The inspiration for this list came from living without the internet and very spotty cell service for the last two weeks. It took me a while to get used to the fact that I could not do what has become everyday activities with my devices.
Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Internet and Cell Service Are Down
10 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to send emails. If you do, at best, you’ll never get an answer. At worst, you will convince yourself that you have been cut off from the world and will start filling bottles with notes. (Forget the fact that the most significant body of water near you is the dog dish, Barnaby.)
9 If your internet and cell service are down, do not look for “likes” on that last selfie. If you do, at best, you’ll think no one saw it. At worst, you’ll feel no one actually liked your selfie and could spiral into a black hole of self-doubt. (Your raging FOMO is about to overtake you, huh, Barlow?)
8 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think you can poach off your neighbor. If you do, at best, they will have a secure connection. At worst, your neighbor’s brother-in-law, Tiny, the WWF champ who just returned from survival school, will notice you crouched in the bushes close to the house. (That scream you are hearing was taught to Tiny to throw off the enemy he is about to pounce upon. Guess who, Bartek?)
7 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think you can sneak into a coffee house and use theirs without buying anything. If you do, at best, the manager is sixteen years old and afraid of you. At worst, the manager is a retired Marine who has just been told by a twenty-year-old District Manager that they will be fired if they allow poaching of the WiFi. (Looks like you made it out of there unscathed. Too bad about that flying laptop. The landing was not pretty right, Bastian?)
6 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to meet your book publication deadline in spite of the difficulties. If you do, at best, you will be forced to set a new deadline. At worst, you will end up bald and with a bad case of PPSD. (That’s Post Publish Stress Disorder Bubba.)
5 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to stream a movie that you have wanted to watch. If you do, at best, you’ll have to watch an old Harry Potter DVD. At worst, you’ll refuse to believe that the “LOADING” sign is a lie. (So after watching the LOADING sign for two hours, maybe it’s time to call it a night, Bub.)
4 If your internet and cell service are down, do not keep picking up your phone after every little noise. If you do, at best, you’ll be continually reminded that it’s gone. At worst, you might develop a tick requiring long-term therapy. (Try explaining to the doctor that your illness is cell phone related, Berkley.)
3 If your internet and cell service are down, do not put your life on hold until they return. If you do, at best, you’ll miss out on trying new things. At worst, your family will begin to wonder if they need to orchestrate an intervention. (Sitting in a chair all day will not bring the internet and cell service back faster, Bixby.)
2 If your internet and cell service are down, do not lay out sheets in the backyard spelling the words, “Help, I Have No Internet.” If you do, at best, a passing helicopter will drop some supplies in your yard. At worst, the Channel Six news team will hover above you and broadcast a story about the world’s shallowest individual. (You could have guessed the story would go viral, right, Bojan?)
1 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think anyone will miss you on your social media accounts. If you do, at best, your feeling of isolation will drive you to books. At worst, you take to standing at the traffic light with a sign that says, “Will work for Tweets.” (Notice how many drivers look away when you get near, Benny?)
Fiction Favorites 
You’re right about laying the sheets out in the backyard seeking help. Nope, it really doesn’t work.
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For sure. Thanks, Pilgrim
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Great suggestions! Loved them all but the best is #10: will anyone miss me on social media? Thanks, John.
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Of course you would be missed, Karen. 😁
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These are great, John. Number two cracked me up!
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I’m glad you liked it, Jill. 😁
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Excellent tips. I installed a WiFi booster this weekend and it was an adventure. It works now, and it actually helps.
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I used to have one at the coast. I don’t need it here. They do help.
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Maybe I need to move to the coast.
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😊
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Good to see Tiny in # 8. And, OH, you know # 2 would happen to me if I tried it!!
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Thanks, GP.
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I love #2 and #1! I can just picture the poor sap with the Will Work for Tweets sign standing in the median.
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Poor sap indeed. Thanks, Liz.
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You’re welcome, John.
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😊
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Ha! This is close to home lately! We’ve just switched provider, so fingers crossed! Thanks for sharing, John 🙂💕
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Hopefully it will solve your issues. Thanks, Harmony. I hope you have a great week.
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If your cell and internet services are down, take advantage of the situation and read a book guiltless, make a pot of soup, go for a walk – all uninterrupted. Sounds like a winner of a situation to me 😉
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Excellent advice, Dale. I can smell the soup now.
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Last night was orange cauliflower, carrot, ginger and orange… Mmmmm
Tonight? Surely another!
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I love soup. Thanks for letting me know what I’m missing.
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I love soup, too and make all sorts of varieties comme fall.😊
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😊
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We lost power for 10 days about 10 years ago, and cell service for 8 of them. I could have used this list then. My wife made coffee on the wood stove – that’s when I knew we’d survive.
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That is a good thing, Dan. Gets you back to a simpler way of life. If yu have coffee all is good.
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Like Douglas Adams says ‘Do Not Panic’.
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Ha ha ha. 😁
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Your #1 is funny in two ways: ‘will work for tweets’ is hilarious, but ‘being driven to books’ is genius.
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Thank you so much, Linda.😊
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Love the image of #2, lol.
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I’m glad you enjoyed it, Teri.
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I can certainly relate to #4. With winter snow storms hiding in the wings, I hope we at least don’t lose power. Those days/weeks of no power after hurricanes still give me shivers!
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Yeah me too. I originally wrote this after Hurricane Harvey. Our provider was the worst and to regain service we went to a new provider.
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We have intermittent power outages here, usually on nice days with no wind and sunshine (go figure). It’s time to pick up a book and read – but we also bought one of those ‘hot spot’ transmission thingies (you can tell I am not electronically inclined) so we can still use the computers if we want to go to the trouble of setting it up.
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Ha ha ah. I loved the comment about setting it up. Yeah that has to be done if it matters. Thanks, Noelle. 😁
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Haha! Good advice, John.
I refrain from ranting about my Internet woes. Something is wrong with my house, preventing the signal from reaching it. I’m ready to say the blasted place is possessed. I’ve resorted to overpriced T-Mobile service through my phone, with VERY limited data for that price. They finally sent a message saying the $50/month unlimited service was available (as promised). But oh wait! It’s not available at your house… Of course not, why would they let me pay less? Sigh… Believe it or not, that wasn’t a real rant.
Big hugs.
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I felt the same when I was living on the coast. Finally had to subscribe to Spectrum which was the worst. They charged me even when the service was blown away by Hurricane Harvey.
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This was a very funny Top 10. All the comments were great too. Kept me amused (easy to do).
Keep up the great names – maybe try some female names ??? If not .
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I never mock females. Too precious.
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Is precious a synonyn for dangerous ?
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Yup that too.
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There’s a lot of wisdom in #3. And the other nine are hilarious – as usual. Have a great day, John. 😊
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Have a great day yourself, Gwen
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All good advice for a situation that happens too often where I live.
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It’s those redwoods. 😁
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Lol
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😁
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Post publish stress disorder. I like that one, John.
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I think we all have it. Thanks, Joan 😁
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Losing internet and phone service at the same time can sure cause problems.
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Many problems, Tim. Thanks
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That’s never happened to me, though we did lose internet every day during the summer afternoons until we went with a different provider. Power outages cause a loss of internet, but I have a generator to get around that.
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Good for you on the generator.😊
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Oh, I love that last one … “Will work for Tweets” … lol. I have definitely learned that social media manages quite nicely without me when I don’t have internet service. And I manage quite nicely without it 😉
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A mutual outage benefit society
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It can be more than a little frustrating to lose internet service. We are so dependent on it. Great list, John!
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It sure can be frustrating
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Helpful warnings, John! Some of us become cranky and some of us go crazy. I love 1 and 2.
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We do become cranky and crazy, Jo. Thank you.
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Sixteen years old and afraid of me sounds pretty good as I lesson plan for a wild youth group later this week. *giggle* Always enjoy your top 10s even on a repeat, Butch.
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Thank you, Audrey.
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This was so funny, John! 😅
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😊
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I loved #9. Self doubt for sure😂
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😁 Glad you did, Steve.
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That one about the coffee house (#7) was my favorite.
Every few months my internet will go out from 7:30 am to 3:30 pm, Monday thru Friday. It will do so for two or three weeks then everything will be all right until the next time. Here’s the kicker: It’s only my location. I can walk 25 yards away and everything is fine. The “data/internet” on my phone goes out, which means my hotspot won’t work.
When it first started happening I burned up the phone lines, to no avail. Then I took the Zen approach and look at it as a good thing. It gives me time to commune with nature and read books.
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May be natures way of having you take time to smell the roses.
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We often have this problem at our caravan site. It makes us go outside, walk down to the beach, and talk to real people!
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The horror
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Lol, good ones John. If my internet is down, it’s free reading time on my Kindle. 🙂
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There you go.
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🙂
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