Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Halloween Costume

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Tom Roberts on Unsplash

 

This post ran on October 30, 2017. Since Halloween is almost here, I think it is still good advice.

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The inspiration for this list was seeing a guy out in public in a Halloween costume. It struck me that he was unaware of the stares and reactions of those around him. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Halloween Costume

10 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go into the bank to make a withdrawal. If you do, at best, some will only stare. At worst, the teller will not look at your withdrawal slip but assume you are holding up the bank. (That zombie makeup had her rattled, Donald. Too bad the SWAT team had no sense of humor.)

9 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you have the same powers as the superhero you are dressed to be. If you do, at best, you’ll hurt yourself. At worst, you will think you can take on Tiny, the WWF champ who is in step two of his anger management treatment. (Looks like that cape is not going to save you, Dorian. I would just go limp, and maybe Tiny will think you are dead.)

8 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go shopping at the grocery store. If you do, at best, you will have the aisles to yourself. At worst, the store manager will insist that you leave since most of his employees have locked themselves in the lounge and refused to come out. (It could be that the hatchet embedded in your skull looks too real, Dex.)

7 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the fast food drive-through. If you do, at best, you may be wearing a chocolate milkshake. At worst, the panicked employee will call 911 and drop your food outside the window. (The police are understanding, but you still have no food, Dante.)

6 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you can attend the Saturday night church service. If you do, at best, you’ll have a pew all to yourself. At worst, the minister will continually point in your direction when he comes to the phrase “Devil worship.” ( You didn’t realize Halloween is not a big thing in your church, huh, Dacey?)

5 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not keep your doctor’s appointment. If you do, at best, you will empty the waiting room. At worst, your doctor will assume you have had a massive mental breakdown and will call the county home for a pickup. (The clown  makeup and white straight jacket is quite a look, Dagwood.)

4 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not drive on the freeway. If you do, at best, you’ll get some weird looks. At worst, you will shock the fragile person in the vehicle next to you, and they will turn into your car as a defensive move. (The cop insists it’s your fault for scaring the wimp next to you, Dalbert.)

3 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go next door to borrow a cup of sugar. If you do, at best, you won’t get the sugar. At worst, your NRA member next-door neighbor will not recognize you and will only quit shooting when you dive into your house. (What would have happened if your neighbor was a good shot, Damek?)

2 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best, you’ll get home without incident. At worst, you’ll be pulled over and, after all is said and done, lying on the street with your hands cuffed behind your back. (Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to dress as Pretty Boy Floyd after all. Although you must admit that Tommy Gun sure looked real, Dareau.)

1 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the TSA security screen at the airport. If you do, at best, you will be denied boarding. At worst, the private search that turned up the sword, flintlock pistols, and the grog will be enough to charge you with terrorism. (The pirate idea sounded good at home, Dartagnan. In the airport? Not so much.)

67 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Halloween Costume”

  19. Good suggestions, John. The Saturday evening church service had me shaking my head — but with all the store employees dressing up for the holiday, you’d probably get lost in the shuffle.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. This is so funny because there is nothing more strange and unnerving than to see somebody in a costume doing normal everyday things and acting as if they don’t know they are in costume!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I’ve actually gone to the grocery store in my Halloween costume. I was dressed like a priest with a California Angels baseball cap on. And to think, I could have asked for a discount!

    Liked by 1 person

  28. If you don’t mind, I’d like to add one more.

    If your in your Halloween costume, make sure you have your regular clothes on underneath, not just your underwear.

    In second grade, I went to school (walking distance) wearing my costume for our Halloween party. After the party and when it was time to get down to some learning, the teacher told us we could take off our costumes. Everyone else did. I was the only one still wearing his costume. I think I was a giraffe!

    Anyway, the teacher noticed me and said I could take it off if I wanted to. “No thank you. I’m okay,” my little eight-year-old voice said.

    I was mortified.

    Liked by 2 people

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