Photo by Isaac Quesada on Unsplash
This list was published on November 6, 2017. Folks still live in apartments, so I think it is relevant.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Apartment
The inspiration for this list came as we spent some hurricane evacuation time in an apartment. I hope you enjoy it.
10 If you are in an apartment, do not drop your weights like the bozos at the gym. If you do, at best, the manager will visit. At worst, that last set of one hundred pounds ended with the repair bill for your floor and the ceiling below you. (That drop was pretty expensive, huh, Christopher. Luckily, there was no one in the recliner down there.)
9 If you are in an apartment, do not think your wailing guitar is appreciated by everyone at two in the morning. If you do, at best, the police will only warn you. At worst, you’ll get a visit from Tiny, the WWF champ who was just released from the sleep disorder clinic, and this was the first night he actually fell asleep. (Notice how that locked door came off the hinges, Cameron? I’d like you to meet Tiny, the big guy that looks like a freight train, and he’s headed your way.)
8 If you are in an apartment, do not rent the bottom floor unit. If you do, at best, you may get used to the noise above. At worst, you’ll finally crack and go door-pounding in the middle of the night. (Those people have every right to be afraid, Connor. It might have been a good idea to check in the mirror before doing your Shining, “Daddy’s Home” imitation.)
7 If you are in an apartment, do not cook your favorite boiled cabbage recipe except on St. Patrick’s Day. If you do, at best, your neighbors will wish for your death. At worst, the super will call in the exterminator, believing your apartment is the scene of many pests. (Be careful opening that door, Cody. That cloud left by the bug bomb explosion might take you out as well.)
6 If you live in an apartment, do not forget to lock your door. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worst, you’ll come home to a place that looks like you never lived there. (You have to wonder how a thief could take four rooms of furniture with no one noticing, don’t you, Carter?)
5 If you live in an apartment, do not throw a party unless you invite the neighbors on either side as well as above and below. If you do, at best, you might be annoyed by all the floor and ceiling pounding. At worst, you better hope everyone at the party is legal because the SWAT team coming up the stairs will want to check. (You had no idea the Jackson Twins were under twenty-one, did you, Chris. Well, it’s not going to matter that they weren’t known or invited by you and no one else either.)
4 If you live in an apartment, do not think the barbecue grill will be available when you want to use it. If you do, at best, you’ll have to wait your turn. At worst, your choice will come down to eating at midnight or a pan-fried steak. (What is it about that Teflon flavor in a great cut of meat that adds so much to the elegance of the meal, Charlie.)
3 If you live in an apartment, do not think everyone follows the shower before entering the pool rule. If you do, at best, you might be surprised by the ring. At worst, you may be caught unaware of the unofficial rule, which is, “Do not put your head under water.” (Had a bunch of unexplained sore throats lately, huh, Calvin?)
2 If you live in an apartment, do not ignore the trash pickup rules. If you do, at best, you will only have to be taught once. At worst, the pickup service will no longer stop at your door, and trying to put your trash next door will earn you a potential black eye. (That guy sure got mad when he stepped on your paper bag full of garbage, didn’t he, Cory? How is that eye, by the way?)
1 If you live in an apartment, do not pick up and shake other people’s packages that are outside their door. If you do, at best, you’ll never get caught. At worst, you just shook a package as the recipient’s door opened. (The bad part was it was a gift of six Baccarat champagne flutes, which are now dust, Clark. I don’t think saying, “Oh, I think this is yours, my mistake,” is going to cover this one up.)
Fiction Favorites 
Never trusted the communal barbecue grills. They always looked unclean.
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That’s for sure. 😁
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Apartment living at its finest, John. That was a grill? I thought it was a fire pit.
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You can stop putting starter on it now. 😁
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Haha
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You do bring on the laughing tears, John!
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You are so kind, Jennie. Thank you. 😊
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You are very welcome. 🙂
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😁
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You could use the steak on your eye if the grill isn’t available.
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After a visit from Tiny
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Ha ha! Good one, Craig!
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Great points, John. With 3 sons in the greater NYC area and all living in apartments, I can validate your do-nots. 😄
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Big city life is a challenge for sure.
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Sent from my iPhone
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Love to know what this is.
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#7 reminds me of my first apartment. I’m not a fan of curry but the family on the first floor sure was. Everything drifted up, including my stomach…
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Curry is the olfactory equivalent of a stink bomb.
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😂😂😂
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😂
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Ha! Substitute ‘piano’ for guitar, and you’ve got it. As for those trash pickup rules, it’s a fact that some people don’t just break them, they seem to enjoy getting writtten up. Finally, the beginning of fines after the third occurrence seems to be getting things back in order. Only the raccoons are disappointed.
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You have to wonder how hard it is to simply do the right thing. Thanks, Linda.
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Number seven cracked me up! A good friend from college lived in an apartment in D.C. The only thing I remember about it was the strong aroma of curry.
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Yes curry is the worst.
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I love to eat it, but I don’t like the aroma!😉
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Me too.
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All valid points. 😀
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😊
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Son #2 has a great apartment, but it’s on the first floor and the tenants overhead have kids that like to race through the apartment. On the flip side of that, they have a full view of the BBQ grill and can beat nearly anyone there.
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The view is a great bonus. Not sure it would off-set the kids for me.
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I’ll add another. If you live in an apartment, do not lock both sets of keys inside (car keys included) when your landlord is on vacation in Florida. Yes, it happened to us shortly after we married.
Had to chuckle about the Teflon-flavored steak. 🙂
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I can imagine how you had to pay to get back in your apartment. Thanks, Joan.
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We lucked out. I worked with our landlord’s wife, and we were able to call his father who came out later that evening with a spare key.
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Oh good. That could have been painful.
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Good ones, John. 😀 Apartment living does have its drawbacks, for sure. When we lived in one, my wife was more eager to get out than I was. After living in an Army barracks, the problems of apartment living seemed relatively minor to me.
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I can see how you wouldn’t mind an apartment.
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My rule: Never live in an apartment!
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Mine too.
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I live in an apartment and I can relate to all of these. Thank goodness I am on the 4th floor, so no one is above me. It’s great until the elevator breaks. 🙂 Great list, John!
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The elevator. I forgot about the elevator.
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All the reasons why I hate apartment living!
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Me too, Liz.
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How about: The hallway is NOT a playground for your kids …
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Good one. Nothing like a nice game of ten pins in the hall.
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These are hilarious, John. #7…no pools or hot tubs for me. My first time living in an apartment was when I moved down here to Florida. Apartment was convenient–right next to the laundry room and directly across from the elevator. No wonder it was the only one available for lease!
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Ha ha ha. You had the corner on noise.
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Ah, having lived in my share of apartments, I can appreciate your list, John. Stereo systems with loud, thumping basses, barking dogs, and greens simmering on the stove were my pet peeves. Brings back the memories of why I like my house better!
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I like mine better too.
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All great apt. living advice, John!
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Thanks, Denise.
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You’ve done it again!
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Oh good. Thanks, GP.
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I haven’t lived in an apartment in 30 years. I am in no rush to relive the experience, thank you very much!!
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I agree with you.
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We are past that 😉
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We certainly are.
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🙂
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😊
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I would add one for the bachelors out there.
Do not, under any circumstance, suggest to the lady you’re dating that there’s an apartment available in your building. You might as well just get married. . .
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Duh. 😁
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Bahahaha!
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😁
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My kids still live in apartments, John, so this was a good list. 🙂
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Thanks for letting me know, Lauren.
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Eternal post, dear John. Number 9 is a real problem…Our blue chicken neighbour won’t stand me learning to play guitar…🤨🤨🤨 While number 7 is ou reality. Our neighbours, for certain, invent new biological weapon…at least once a week. 😔😨🍻🍤🍤🍤
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Ha ha ha. Can you get an amplifier with ear phones? Then you could play to your hearts content an no one can hear. I don’t have a solution for the biological weapons.😁
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Oh, I’m going to take a course of a classic guitar, dear John. My only solution will be is to practise in a car. 😁😁😁 As for the bio-weapon is to run as quick as you can to your door. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thank you, dear John!
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Ah yes you must go in the car. Or maybe a park.
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👍😉😎
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😁
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Thanks a lot, John. You just turned me off from ever wanting to live in an apartment.
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I did you a favor. 😁
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