Top Ten Things Not to Do on Thanksgiving

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

 

The inspiration for this list is the fact that this week is Thanksgiving here in the US. There have been several Thanksgiving situations that I personally witnessed, and I thought it would be fun to capture them and provide ample warning for your occasion this year. If you have ever done any of these things, it might be a nice change to sit back and let others have center stage this year.

10 On Thanksgiving, do not try to prepare the perfect Turkey. If you do, at best, you’ll have reason to cry. At worst, not only is this year’s turkey not perfect, it is the worst one ever. (Nothing like eating what resembles dry balsa wood, huh, Chandler?)

9 On Thanksgiving, do not invite your cousin Tiny, the WWF wrestling champ, to your house for dinner. If you do, at best, you’ll possibly get by with only a broken dining room chair. At worst, Tiny and your uncle Jim will continue the feud that began last year’s Thanksgiving dinner. (Who is going to clean up what looks like a movie bar fight scene in your living room, Cohen? Not to mention reviving Aunt Helen.)

8 On Thanksgiving, do not try out that experimental stuffing recipe on the family. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty left over. At worst, the family will feel cheated out of a traditional dinner. (Who started the food fight is not a question that needs an answer right now, Canyon. It is probably more important to get that stuff off the walls before it hardens.)

7 On Thanksgiving, do not think you can deep-fry your Turkey in the kitchen. If you do, at best, your place will smell like an oil derrick for a month. At worst, the fire department will declare what’s left of your house and lot a hazardous waste site. (Who is going to cover the EPA bill for clean-up, Channing?)

6 On Thanksgiving, do not think it is a good idea to start serving mimosas at eleven o’clock. If you do, at best, you’ll run out of Champaign before everyone is blitzed. At worse, all your guests have lost interest in the dinner and are out in the yard trying to work off the Champaign with touch football. (Don’t worry, Cortez. Sooner or later, they will be back for the leftovers.)

5 On Thanksgiving, do not try some unnatural seating configuration, thinking it will liven the conversation. If you do, at best, you won’t seat sworn enemies next to each other. At worst, since you now have strangers all having to talk to strangers, the sound of crickets is deafening. (That magazine suggestion doesn’t seem all that good right now, does it, Cord?)

4 On Thanksgiving, do not think everyone in the world would enjoy a tofu turkey. If you do, at best, the polite ones will give it a try. At worst, you will wonder why all your guests are on the phone ordering Domino’s delivery. (The fact that you were looking out for everyone’s health doesn’t seem worthwhile now, Cable.)

3 On Thanksgiving, do not think because you hate pumpkin pie, everyone else does as well. If you do, at best, your banana creme will be well received. At worst, the traditionalists will find an excuse to leave early so they can pick up a frozen Mrs. Smith’s pumpkin pie. (Hare to believe you only have one guest remaining, isn’t it, Cacey?)

2 On Thanksgiving, do not think sharing leftovers is not expected. If you do, at best, you’ll get some strange looks as people leave. At worst, your loudest relative will ask out loud, What? No leftovers to take home? (Maybe you should have put together some to-go containers, Cadell. Well, there is always next year if any return.)

1 On Thanksgiving, do not think you can turn off the football game. If you do, at best, you’ll have some complaints. At worst, you will discover most of the guests in your bedroom watching the game anyway. (It is shocking that people want to watch a game even if it is the two worst teams playing. Right, Cadell?)

79 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on Thanksgiving”

  5. You know I like # 9 best – good ole Tiny! But when my brother-in-law decided to deep-fry his turkey, I went back in the living room to watch football!!!

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  6. Leftovers are the best part of the Thanksgiving meal, for sure. Any host who doesn’t plan to have plenty of them to send home with guests is bound to become a subject of conversation. And you’re right about the mimosas (Bloody Marys, Bud Lights, etc.)

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  8. Thanks for the great list, John. As someone who once “damaged” the turkey in a grill-grease fire, I pay attention to all of these. At least Detroit seems to be playing well this year.

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  13. #6 gave me an idea: Do all the cooking for Thanksgiving on Wednesday and have people over for leftovers the next day. Seriously: cook the dinner and put it in the refrigerator overnight, then when everyone comes, take it out and reheat it.

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  14. Great tips here! I once invited fairly new friends over for Thanksgiving. I later learned they were worried I would serve a tofu turkey as they knew I was a vegetarian. Despite that, I always make a turkey for hubby and guests and stuffed peppers for me. They enjoyed the turkey and the peppers!

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  18. Great advice, John! Number 4 reminds me of a Thanksgiving dinner we went to where Tofurkey (insert emoji of eye roll) was served because one of the guests was vegetarian. To be polite, I had a taste and that was enough for me. I’ve got nothing against tofu (I’ve eaten plenty in dishes where it belongs), but it’s not meant to replace turkey … no way, no how … lol.

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  25. Happy Thanksgiving! I’ll add one of mine – Don’t think it’s okay to let the middle sister start drinking wine at 11:00am. At best she’ll be nice to everyone and the apps will be fantastic, at worst she’ll forget to finish cooking and the entire OLine will starve to death and we’ll be off their list for next year. (Happened)

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  29. It so happens that I am reading this on Thanksgiving Day (Thursday 23 Nov). Wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! Also got to hear more about Thanksgiving as my sister, who lives in California and was here these last 2 weeks, just went back in time for it.

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