Top Ten Things Not to Do While Decorating the House for the Holidays

~ John W. Howell
Photo by James Wheeler on Unsplash

 

The inspiration for this list came naturally from having decorated several houses over the years. I guess I could be guilty of some of these, but not all. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not ignore the number of lights on a continuous string instruction on the lights. If you do, at best, you will trip a circuit breaker. At worst, you may take down the Eastern seaboard grid. (Who’s going to pay that bill, Caelan? Don’t forget the lawsuits that range anywhere from unwanted pregnancy to being trapped in an elevator.)

9 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not hire unlicensed contractors, especially if they are named Tiny, the WWF champ who just got out of confined anger management care. If you do, at best, you may get off with a broken window or two. At worst, you may find your lights wadded in a ball in your neighbor’s living room. (How were you to know your neighbor would yell at Tiny and tell him to turn down the rap music, Cane? Also, how would you know Tiny would jump through your neighbor’s roof and take out a floor and ceiling on his way to the living room. The big question to be answered now is where is Tiny and your neighbor?)

8 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use the twenty-four-foot ladder to reach the peak of the roof. If you do, at best, you’ll be stopped by someone who loves you. At worst, you’ll plant that corner star just before your free fall to eternity. (Man. that was a mammoth first step down, wasn’t it Calder?)

7 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think all garland is alike. If you do, at best, you’ll have a mismatched mess. At worst, just as you finish with the final strand and just before frostbite sets in, you will be told to change it. (You had the courage to go up on that ladder once, huh, Caly? How about now?)

6 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think you must out-decorate your neighbor. If you do, at best, you’ll end up spending too much money. At worst, your neighbor increased his light and display capability last year when all the decorations were seventy percent off. (He has way too much stuff for you to finish on top, Carlton. You may take a lesson and wait for the sale and catch him next year.”

5 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think everyone in the neighborhood likes all green lights. If you do, at best, there will be no comments. At worst, you will find a picture of your house on Facebook with the caption, “The most non-original decoration on the planet.” (Kinda hurts your feelings, doesn’t it? Cartland? Green is your favorite color.)

4 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to fasten the decorations well. If you do, at best, there will be no wind. At worst, your decorations will be at the mercy of the nighttime winter winds. (It is no problem collecting your lights from the next-door neighbor, right Chadwick?)

3 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to double-check the timer. If you do, at best, the lights will come on too early. At worst, the lights will come on at the right time but burn throughout the night (What would be even worse is they come on at six am and go off at six pm, Chas.)

2 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use blow-up lawn decorations. If you do, at best, they look like piles of plastic during the day. At worse, the blow-up machine could get a short, and your blow-up decoration looks like an entry in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. (Whoever thought Rudolf could get that big just before he exploded, Clemens?)

1 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not have Holiday music on an outdoor speaker. If you do, at best, your neighbors will complain. At worst, you unknowingly violated the town noise ordinance. (Not a good idea to tell the SWAT team to get off your property, Cleveland. Too bad about that new storm door.)

72 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do While Decorating the House for the Holidays”

  9. I was considering decorating the outside of my house, then I remembered I had given all my lights to a friend. Oh well.
    This does remind me of the year Mick put red lights around the boys’ bedroom windows and the neighbours across the street, switched in one blue light and watched when he got home. They still giggle today about it!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. One year, I hung out beautiful, big red bows. Very festive, I thought, until a strong North wind hoisted them off their fastenings and blew them clear into my neighbor’s yard. Trucking through snow to pick up bows isn’t much fun! And don’t get me started on the ladder thing!!

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  12. My neighbor insists on putting up his lights when the sun goes down. I understand wanting to make sure they are all working, but standing on a ladder in the dark–surely there is a better way. I might need Tiny to ‘talk’ some sense into him.

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  13. I am printing this post and providing a copy to the residents of three houses across the street who have excess flashing lights that they leave on ALL NIGHT, causing a constant flashing on my bedroom ceiling as I struggle to get to sleep at night!!! Thank you, John!!!

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  17. Thank you, dear John! Hmmm…the time is coming indeed. 🤨🤨🤨 We have little to be decorated yet, but I’m a great amateur of the New Year, so number 7,4 & 1 are ahead. 😁😁😁 I remember that there was a time when we used to have Christmas ring tones on our dial phone…for next six months. Believe me, it was a true joy. 🍤🍤🍤🍻

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  21. Honestly, if all the blowups in the world were to blow somewhere else — north pole or south — I wouldn’t mind. The small ones that came out first were ok, but who needs a 25′ snowman? I still favor cut-out plywood nativity sets, or round hay bales painted white and made to look like snowmen.

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  22. One year, I put a plastic Santa face on our chimney. As soon as the wind blew, Santa spun and swung making loud banging noises all night. It came down the next day with bruise marks all over his cherry nose. That was 40 years ago and I’m still reminded by the family CEO🥴

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  25. John, Mrs. Chess and I were just commenting the other day how sad the Holiday inflatables look when not inflated. A couple of houses away, we have a giant Christmas dragon that looks less than imposing when flat on the ground lol.

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