Photo by James Wheeler on Unsplash
The inspiration for this list came naturally from having decorated several houses over the years. I guess I could be guilty of some of these, but not all. I hope you enjoy it.
10 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not ignore the number of lights on a continuous string instruction on the lights. If you do, at best, you will trip a circuit breaker. At worst, you may take down the Eastern seaboard grid. (Who’s going to pay that bill, Caelan? Don’t forget the lawsuits that range anywhere from unwanted pregnancy to being trapped in an elevator.)
9 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not hire unlicensed contractors, especially if they are named Tiny, the WWF champ who just got out of confined anger management care. If you do, at best, you may get off with a broken window or two. At worst, you may find your lights wadded in a ball in your neighbor’s living room. (How were you to know your neighbor would yell at Tiny and tell him to turn down the rap music, Cane? Also, how would you know Tiny would jump through your neighbor’s roof and take out a floor and ceiling on his way to the living room. The big question to be answered now is where is Tiny and your neighbor?)
8 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use the twenty-four-foot ladder to reach the peak of the roof. If you do, at best, you’ll be stopped by someone who loves you. At worst, you’ll plant that corner star just before your free fall to eternity. (Man. that was a mammoth first step down, wasn’t it Calder?)
7 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think all garland is alike. If you do, at best, you’ll have a mismatched mess. At worst, just as you finish with the final strand and just before frostbite sets in, you will be told to change it. (You had the courage to go up on that ladder once, huh, Caly? How about now?)
6 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think you must out-decorate your neighbor. If you do, at best, you’ll end up spending too much money. At worst, your neighbor increased his light and display capability last year when all the decorations were seventy percent off. (He has way too much stuff for you to finish on top, Carlton. You may take a lesson and wait for the sale and catch him next year.”
5 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think everyone in the neighborhood likes all green lights. If you do, at best, there will be no comments. At worst, you will find a picture of your house on Facebook with the caption, “The most non-original decoration on the planet.” (Kinda hurts your feelings, doesn’t it? Cartland? Green is your favorite color.)
4 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to fasten the decorations well. If you do, at best, there will be no wind. At worst, your decorations will be at the mercy of the nighttime winter winds. (It is no problem collecting your lights from the next-door neighbor, right Chadwick?)
3 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to double-check the timer. If you do, at best, the lights will come on too early. At worst, the lights will come on at the right time but burn throughout the night (What would be even worse is they come on at six am and go off at six pm, Chas.)
2 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use blow-up lawn decorations. If you do, at best, they look like piles of plastic during the day. At worse, the blow-up machine could get a short, and your blow-up decoration looks like an entry in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. (Whoever thought Rudolf could get that big just before he exploded, Clemens?)
1 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not have Holiday music on an outdoor speaker. If you do, at best, your neighbors will complain. At worst, you unknowingly violated the town noise ordinance. (Not a good idea to tell the SWAT team to get off your property, Cleveland. Too bad about that new storm door.)
Fiction Favorites 
Instructive and hilarious thank you for putting a smile on my face
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A smile is a good thing for sure. Thanks for letting me know you got one from the post.
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I hope people will heed #2. Those blow-ups were kinda cute the first time I saw one. Now, they’re either tacky or sad.
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I drove by a heap of them yesterday.
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Charming . . .
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Red and green heaps.
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😦
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🙄
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All of these make me miss America’s Funniest Home Videos.
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I agree. They would make great fail videos.
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Very informative. I have trouble with a step stool these days. No ladders for me.
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I’ve been banned for years. (since dropping off the edge of the roof). Step stool only under supervision.
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Very useful tips! I’m definitely avoiding even a step stool let alone ladders, lols. Thanks for sharing the fun, John. Have a wonderful week. Hugs 🤗💕🙂
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Thank you, Harmony. I hope your week is as wonderful.
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This was a 10 on the laugh-o-meter! Yes, where is Tiny and the neighbor? 😂
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Thank you, Jennie. I think the neighbor is still running.
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I think you’re right! 😀
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😁
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The most hubby uses is a stepstool. And I gave up putting wreaths on the windows – stupid suction cups never worked.
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I have the same experience with suction cups, Teri. I’ve been banned from the ladder. Not saying I mind. 😁
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I’d love to send number one to our neighbors. Maybe I’ll send Tiny instead. It’s a good list, John and I’ve only broken a couple.
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Yeah send Tiny. He should be back from chasing the neighbor soon.
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I was considering decorating the outside of my house, then I remembered I had given all my lights to a friend. Oh well.
This does remind me of the year Mick put red lights around the boys’ bedroom windows and the neighbours across the street, switched in one blue light and watched when he got home. They still giggle today about it!
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What a great joke for sure. Thanks for sharing.
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So funny. Of course, he turned the tables on them by leaving it there so THEY had to see it every day 😁
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Perfect
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😁
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😁
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Great list, John. Number two is so true. All of the inflatables in our neighborhood end up like pancakes after one day.
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That seems to be the case everywhere, Jill.
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One year, I hung out beautiful, big red bows. Very festive, I thought, until a strong North wind hoisted them off their fastenings and blew them clear into my neighbor’s yard. Trucking through snow to pick up bows isn’t much fun! And don’t get me started on the ladder thing!!
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I can see you chasing red bows in the snow. That sounds like a song title.
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Good one!!!
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😁
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My neighbor insists on putting up his lights when the sun goes down. I understand wanting to make sure they are all working, but standing on a ladder in the dark–surely there is a better way. I might need Tiny to ‘talk’ some sense into him.
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Tiny is available when he gets back from chasing the neighbor. Thanks, Lois.
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haha! Tiny is the best!
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He eats a lot though.
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I am printing this post and providing a copy to the residents of three houses across the street who have excess flashing lights that they leave on ALL NIGHT, causing a constant flashing on my bedroom ceiling as I struggle to get to sleep at night!!! Thank you, John!!!
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I have the same problem.
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All good advice, John:) I am ladder challenged and not allowed on anything with more than two steps.
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I’m with you, Denise.
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Good advice, John, and perfect timing. 🙂 Have a good week.
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You as well, Tim. Thanks
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Oh, don’t remind me! Eeek!
https://pacificparatrooper.files.wordpress.com/2023/11/worried-emoji-e1701110502926.webp
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Ha ha ha
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Thank you, dear John! Hmmm…the time is coming indeed. 🤨🤨🤨 We have little to be decorated yet, but I’m a great amateur of the New Year, so number 7,4 & 1 are ahead. 😁😁😁 I remember that there was a time when we used to have Christmas ring tones on our dial phone…for next six months. Believe me, it was a true joy. 🍤🍤🍤🍻
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The ring tones sound fun. Please explain 7,4 &1
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🙂 Number 7, 4 & 1 are our usual routine, in its positive sense, of course. So, it is funny to discover it in your list.😁
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I get it now. 😁
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Great list, John! I wish people would abide by your list. Seems like holiday decorations these days are too extravagant or too tacky or both. Just call me Scrooge 😉
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i think both fits the bill. Thanks, Marie
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Ha! Ha! Great decorating tips, John!
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Thanks, Jan
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Timers and garlands STILL give me nightmares.
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Me too, Pilgrim. Something about the whole process screams “ONE AND DONE.”
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Seriously!
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Honestly, if all the blowups in the world were to blow somewhere else — north pole or south — I wouldn’t mind. The small ones that came out first were ok, but who needs a 25′ snowman? I still favor cut-out plywood nativity sets, or round hay bales painted white and made to look like snowmen.
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I agree, Linda. Thanks.
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One year, I put a plastic Santa face on our chimney. As soon as the wind blew, Santa spun and swung making loud banging noises all night. It came down the next day with bruise marks all over his cherry nose. That was 40 years ago and I’m still reminded by the family CEO🥴
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The faux pas have the longest memory life. Getting rid of the spider? Already forgotten.
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BITTT (boy, isn’t that the truth)😉
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😁
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Nice 👌
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Thanks.
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Thanks john 🌹
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Fun times are here again 🙂
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Yes indeed.
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John, Mrs. Chess and I were just commenting the other day how sad the Holiday inflatables look when not inflated. A couple of houses away, we have a giant Christmas dragon that looks less than imposing when flat on the ground lol.
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Heaps of red and green. Thanks, Bruce.
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“I could be guilty of some of these, but not all.”
Yeah, sure, John. We believe you. Number six sounds kinda like you.
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They always win. It is fun to start a decoration war though.
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