Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Artem Kniaz on Unsplash

This post was initially run on December 16th, 2016. Parties and our behavior at them have not changed much, so I hope you enjoy it again. If you remember it from the last time, you probably don’t need the advice given here.

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The inspiration for this list has been an adult life-long fascination with human interactions. There is no time like the holidays to go out and get an actual feeling of how people interrelate. I may have published some of these points under a different context, but it still bears repeating some of the advice again. I cannot swear I haven’t done any of these, but I don’t think so. Also, a message to the Yale School of Psychology. This is all in fun and should not be used as part of the curriculum dealing with Holiday stress. With that disclaimer, here we go.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party

10 At a holiday party, do not assume because the drinks are free, you can have all you want. If you do, at best, you will find the next morning that the drinks were not free after all. At worst, you might wake up in the guest room bathtub and have no idea how you got there. (Your host was very pleased when you locked the door to the only bathroom in the house. Too bad the pounding on the door didn’t give you a hint, Bunky.)

9 At a holiday party, do not think an informal atmosphere will lend itself to getting closer to your boss. If you do, At best, you will only say one stupid thing. At worst, you wake up at 3:00 am realizing you told your boss exactly what you thought of the latest project. (Now you also remember the hurt look on the boss’ face since it was a pet project. Maybe you can say you had a brain aneurysm, huh, Ferd?)

8 At a holiday party, do not double dip from the crab spread. If you do, at best, no one will notice, and you’ll be safe. At worst, unfortunately, you chose the moment when the boss was doing a video panorama and are now a piece of history. (The playback at the office caused a noticeable groan from your co-workers, and several grabbed their zinc inhalers. Why you had to sneeze right after the double dip is anybody’s guess.)

7 At a holiday party, do not think of arriving without a host gift. If you do, at best, you might be able to sneak in unnoticed. At worst, the host had requested in the invitation to bring an unwrapped toy for a needy child. (That will teach you to ignore letters. You never sent an RSVP either, did you, Buster?)

6 At a holiday party, do not think everyone wants to sing carols. If you do, at best, you may be doing a solo. At worst, you will be so annoying that the host will ask his cousin Tiny, with WWF champ, to see you to the door. (Tiny’s method of seeing people to the door is very similar to his winning body slam in the ring. Don’t worry, nothing’s broken. It’s all fake, remember?)

5 At a holiday party, do not try to get away with bringing a  cheap bottle of wine as a gift. If you do, at best, no one will see you set it down. At worst, your host will thank you and suggest that you open it immediately to share with the guests. (Two-buck Chuck is so well-known, Oscar, that your face is now the color of the wine.)

4 At a holiday party, do not attempt to have controversial discussions with each conversation. If you do, at best, you’ll end up talking to the dog. At worst, you’ll spark a debate that will ultimately engulf the entire room and eventually lead to the arrival of a SWAT team. (Well, you did learn that politics is a hot subject, didn’t you, Bucky?)

3 At a holiday party, do not think you have to entertain everyone with your jokes. If you do, at best, you’ll find out quickly you are no Henny Youngman. At worst, most in attendance will enquire of the host about that strange person who is not funny. (The beautiful thing is your boss’ boss took down your name which should lead to some good stuff. Maybe at the next company, huh, Milton?)

2 At a holiday party, do not suggest everyone go out into the snow to see how beautiful the lights look. If you do, at best, no one will follow you. At worst, your host will open the front door and promptly slam and lock it after you are gone. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, didn’t it, Roscoe?. Now you need to call and get your shoes back.)

1 At a holiday party, do not ignore someone who asks for your keys. If you do, at best, you will be breaking the law. At worst, you could be responsible for hurting yourself and, more importantly, an innocent victim. (Obviously, we all should remember not to drink and drive this holiday season.)

93 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party”

  3. How very true for them all, especially the amount of alcohol consumed. A drunk driver is a fatality waiting to happen. Even if the drunk does not drive, he or she can ruin a party with their behavior.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree. Imagine the discussions today? The landmines include (not in any order) Borders, inflation, gender identity, Trump, Biden, heath care, taxes, Palestine, Israel, Ukraine, China, Russia, Iran, N. Korea, media, FDA, Musk, Facebook, Tik Tok and on and on. 😳.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. One of my hobbies during my years of “institutional” work was avoiding holiday parties. Your advice is on point, to say the least. Combining some of the hints occurs now and then, to terrible result: for example, engaging in conversation on a controversial topic with the boss who’s on the other side of the topical fence.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I did not attend our company holiday parties. The report back on the following Monday told me I was right in my decision to stay away. Who knew quiet Ginny in Finance could dance like that?!,🤣

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Great list, John. Might I add: Do NOT drink so much that you become amorous and try to hug and kiss on all the guests? Yuck (especially if these are folks you have to work with!)

    Liked by 2 people

  22. It just so happens my office party was last Friday – at my boss’ house! We were only 8 (small office). And yet, there was a double-dipper… I didn’t want to overeat anyway… 🙄
    I never, ever get drunk at these because… gah!
    Excellent list!

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Great list. Luckily all my departmental parties were relatively tame. I might add: At a holiday party, do not decide to display your dancing skills. You might end up with a split in your pants, not to mention looking like a fool.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. Party time.. 🙂 I am the worlds worst Joke teller… Lol… I always forget the Punch line! … 🙂
    We’re having a family gathering at our home next Saturday…
    Some great tips John…
    Happy Holiday Time… xx ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  27. Good tips. I was a new employee and invited to a holiday steak dinner with a dozen other guests. The host said, “all you need to bring is yourself and wife”. That’s all I brought. Every other guest brought their steaks, too. My host and hostess were kind enough to share their steaks. I was still hungry when we left and wildly embarrassed🥴

    Liked by 2 people

  30. 😁😁😁 This list is eternal, dear John. I believe when aliens will find us & read it, they will be surprised to discover so many common things. Some curious facts about the blue chicken country:
    1. Guests never come with gifts. It is forbidden & it insults them.😪😪😪
    2. They never wish you: “Enjoy your meal!”. It insults them. 😪😪😪😪
    3. In fact…if they invite you & you come, it might also insult them. 😪😪😪😪😪
    PS. NEVER ask them to serve you a cup of tea or coffee! They don’t know to make it. 😫😫😫And the drink will be almost cold!🍤🍤🍤🍻

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love these, Maria. The one I enjoyed most was if the invite you to come and you come it might also insult them. When I visited France I felt that. A couple invited me to watch the Grand Prix on TV at their house. I was honored and went. Boy what a mistake. They were so rude. I didn’t realize I was supposed to thank them and say no. To top it off I brought a bottle of wine and flowers. I must have sent themover the edge. I was so glad to get out of there.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 👍👍👍👍👍 Oh, poor you are, dear John! 😨😨😨 I say! They will never forgive you a bottle of wine & flowers!
        They are so silly, mean & completely impolite. I do my best to avoid these visits. Besides, a lot of them are dirty. I mean they serve you dirty dishes, etc. 😪😫

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It is completely different in Russia. We are always generous with guests. When somebody invites you, even if he does not have much money, he will do everything possible for the guest. It is normal to bring something like a cake, flowers or a bottle of wine, etc. And, as a rule, we also give something to the guest after the party. 😁😁😁 And no worry about dishes! They will always be clean as well as the appartement.

        Liked by 1 person

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