Photo by Artem Kniaz on Unsplash
This post was initially run on December 16th, 2016. Parties and our behavior at them have not changed much, so I hope you enjoy it again. If you remember it from the last time, you probably don’t need the advice given here.
* * *
The inspiration for this list has been an adult life-long fascination with human interactions. There is no time like the holidays to go out and get an actual feeling of how people interrelate. I may have published some of these points under a different context, but it still bears repeating some of the advice again. I cannot swear I haven’t done any of these, but I don’t think so. Also, a message to the Yale School of Psychology. This is all in fun and should not be used as part of the curriculum dealing with Holiday stress. With that disclaimer, here we go.
The Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party
10 At a holiday party, do not assume because the drinks are free, you can have all you want. If you do, at best, you will find the next morning that the drinks were not free after all. At worst, you might wake up in the guest room bathtub and have no idea how you got there. (Your host was very pleased when you locked the door to the only bathroom in the house. Too bad the pounding on the door didn’t give you a hint, Bunky.)
9 At a holiday party, do not think an informal atmosphere will lend itself to getting closer to your boss. If you do, At best, you will only say one stupid thing. At worst, you wake up at 3:00 am realizing you told your boss exactly what you thought of the latest project. (Now you also remember the hurt look on the boss’ face since it was a pet project. Maybe you can say you had a brain aneurysm, huh, Ferd?)
8 At a holiday party, do not double dip from the crab spread. If you do, at best, no one will notice, and you’ll be safe. At worst, unfortunately, you chose the moment when the boss was doing a video panorama and are now a piece of history. (The playback at the office caused a noticeable groan from your co-workers, and several grabbed their zinc inhalers. Why you had to sneeze right after the double dip is anybody’s guess.)
7 At a holiday party, do not think of arriving without a host gift. If you do, at best, you might be able to sneak in unnoticed. At worst, the host had requested in the invitation to bring an unwrapped toy for a needy child. (That will teach you to ignore letters. You never sent an RSVP either, did you, Buster?)
6 At a holiday party, do not think everyone wants to sing carols. If you do, at best, you may be doing a solo. At worst, you will be so annoying that the host will ask his cousin Tiny, with WWF champ, to see you to the door. (Tiny’s method of seeing people to the door is very similar to his winning body slam in the ring. Don’t worry, nothing’s broken. It’s all fake, remember?)
5 At a holiday party, do not try to get away with bringing a cheap bottle of wine as a gift. If you do, at best, no one will see you set it down. At worst, your host will thank you and suggest that you open it immediately to share with the guests. (Two-buck Chuck is so well-known, Oscar, that your face is now the color of the wine.)
4 At a holiday party, do not attempt to have controversial discussions with each conversation. If you do, at best, you’ll end up talking to the dog. At worst, you’ll spark a debate that will ultimately engulf the entire room and eventually lead to the arrival of a SWAT team. (Well, you did learn that politics is a hot subject, didn’t you, Bucky?)
3 At a holiday party, do not think you have to entertain everyone with your jokes. If you do, at best, you’ll find out quickly you are no Henny Youngman. At worst, most in attendance will enquire of the host about that strange person who is not funny. (The beautiful thing is your boss’ boss took down your name which should lead to some good stuff. Maybe at the next company, huh, Milton?)
2 At a holiday party, do not suggest everyone go out into the snow to see how beautiful the lights look. If you do, at best, no one will follow you. At worst, your host will open the front door and promptly slam and lock it after you are gone. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, didn’t it, Roscoe?. Now you need to call and get your shoes back.)
1 At a holiday party, do not ignore someone who asks for your keys. If you do, at best, you will be breaking the law. At worst, you could be responsible for hurting yourself and, more importantly, an innocent victim. (Obviously, we all should remember not to drink and drive this holiday season.)
Fiction Favorites 
Great tipps, John! I fully agree to them all. Most parties are like balancing on a thin wire. Enjoy a wonderful week! xx Michael
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Thank you, Michael. Wishing you a terrific week as well.
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Nice 👌
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Thanks
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How very true for them all, especially the amount of alcohol consumed. A drunk driver is a fatality waiting to happen. Even if the drunk does not drive, he or she can ruin a party with their behavior.
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So true, Karen. Thanks for your added caution. 😁
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Take my wife… please.
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😁
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Long ago I had a boss who was a double-dipper. Yuck!
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🤢
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Great list, John, especially Number 1. Re: that body slam by Tiny, It’s all fake if you know how to fall. If not, traction can be fun.
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Ha ha ha. Thanks, Dan.
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When I used to go to holiday parties, I became quite adept at weaving away from the intense conversations. Get in the spirit people, Geez!!!!
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I agree. Imagine the discussions today? The landmines include (not in any order) Borders, inflation, gender identity, Trump, Biden, heath care, taxes, Palestine, Israel, Ukraine, China, Russia, Iran, N. Korea, media, FDA, Musk, Facebook, Tik Tok and on and on. 😳.
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At this age, I could never move fast enough !!!
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Or duck fast enough.
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That’s the truth!!
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😁
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I’ve seen more double dippers than I care to count. Thanks for the tips, John!
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Me too unfortunately.
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The evil of double dipping. It’s why I hate communal dips.
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Also the sneeze factor.
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I sure am glad I’m not required to go to holiday parties anymore. (shudder)
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Or host them. Double shudder
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True. Luckily, I only had to host one such party.
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I always hated it.
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Yup!
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One of my hobbies during my years of “institutional” work was avoiding holiday parties. Your advice is on point, to say the least. Combining some of the hints occurs now and then, to terrible result: for example, engaging in conversation on a controversial topic with the boss who’s on the other side of the topical fence.
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In my youth my boss was being a real ass at a party at my house. I asked him to leave. The next Monday he called me into his office and apologized. Very tense situation I remember.
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I did not attend our company holiday parties. The report back on the following Monday told me I was right in my decision to stay away. Who knew quiet Ginny in Finance could dance like that?!,🤣
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I always loved the one where someone fell down the front steps on the way out. 😁
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Great list, John. Might I add: Do NOT drink so much that you become amorous and try to hug and kiss on all the guests? Yuck (especially if these are folks you have to work with!)
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I’ve seen that. Not a pretty picture.
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😉
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I remember holiday parties, but I haven’t been to one in a very long time – thank goodness. Have a great week, John.
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I have not either. Thank goodness as well. I hope you have a great week too, Gwen 😊
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I loved this list. Oh, and I’m always looking for the double-dippers in the crowd. LOL
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Gotta keep your eyes peeled.
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Oh, I will, believe me. haha I’m one of those people who has never eaten or drunk after my children or spouse. Just the thought alone breaks me out in a rash. 😋😱
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I break out in a rash when I hear a mom talk about how the kids helped her bake the cookies. One of which I just took a bite of.
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Solid down-to-earth advice, John. It could keep a person out of jail, the hospital, or a rehab center.
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I think all three might be a possibility. Thanks, Tim.
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I always keep an eye out for the “double-dippers”…while also keeping an eye out for just how much booze is being used to make the drinks. Good advice all, John.
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Yeah. I then to watch that stuff too. I remember being young and praying for someone to shoot me the morning after. No more of that.
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An excellent top ten list to re-share, John. Definitely avoid controversial conversations!
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Yeah those discussion no longer happen anywhere. It is too bad.
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Excellent tips, John. I’ve seen most of these happen at holiday parties! Avoiding controversial topics is essential these days to maintain a sense of cheer. Great advice.
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Beyond how’s the family? Everything is controversial these days
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Just about. Lol. Even the family.
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😁
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All great advice, John 🙂
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Thanks, Denise.
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These are all the reasons why I don’t go to holiday parties anymore… especially work holiday parties 😉
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You have no work parties anymore.
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Well, yes, that is true … lol 😉
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😁
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It just so happens my office party was last Friday – at my boss’ house! We were only 8 (small office). And yet, there was a double-dipper… I didn’t want to overeat anyway… 🙄
I never, ever get drunk at these because… gah!
Excellent list!
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I always wonder why people think it is okay to get drunk at the bosses house.
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That is NEVER even close to a good thing.
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No it is not.
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Great list. Luckily all my departmental parties were relatively tame. I might add: At a holiday party, do not decide to display your dancing skills. You might end up with a split in your pants, not to mention looking like a fool.
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The worst.
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All jokes aside, number one is truly number one. Take heed peeps.
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Yup, for sure.
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Party time.. 🙂 I am the worlds worst Joke teller… Lol… I always forget the Punch line! … 🙂
We’re having a family gathering at our home next Saturday…
Some great tips John…
Happy Holiday Time… xx ❤
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I would tape this list to the back of the bathroom door.
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🙂 haha.. xx
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😁
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Good stuff, John. Most of the holiday parties I attended were pretty lame.
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Good tips. I was a new employee and invited to a holiday steak dinner with a dozen other guests. The host said, “all you need to bring is yourself and wife”. That’s all I brought. Every other guest brought their steaks, too. My host and hostess were kind enough to share their steaks. I was still hungry when we left and wildly embarrassed🥴
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That host should have been shot for heaven’s sake.
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What we had there was ‘a failure to communicate’ (Cool Hand Luke, 1967)
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Yup
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Hats off to #1. Okay…I did a #5 last night. Well, I signed up to bring two bottles, so I picked a good one and a cheap one. I learned my lesson.
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Which one did you have to drink?
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The cheap one. 🙄
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Of course. 😁
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” … do not think you have to entertain everyone with your jokes.” Then why go? Except for the free drinks, of course.
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The free drinks is the whole reason.
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😁😁😁 This list is eternal, dear John. I believe when aliens will find us & read it, they will be surprised to discover so many common things. Some curious facts about the blue chicken country:
1. Guests never come with gifts. It is forbidden & it insults them.😪😪😪
2. They never wish you: “Enjoy your meal!”. It insults them. 😪😪😪😪
3. In fact…if they invite you & you come, it might also insult them. 😪😪😪😪😪
PS. NEVER ask them to serve you a cup of tea or coffee! They don’t know to make it. 😫😫😫And the drink will be almost cold!🍤🍤🍤🍻
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I love these, Maria. The one I enjoyed most was if the invite you to come and you come it might also insult them. When I visited France I felt that. A couple invited me to watch the Grand Prix on TV at their house. I was honored and went. Boy what a mistake. They were so rude. I didn’t realize I was supposed to thank them and say no. To top it off I brought a bottle of wine and flowers. I must have sent themover the edge. I was so glad to get out of there.
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👍👍👍👍👍 Oh, poor you are, dear John! 😨😨😨 I say! They will never forgive you a bottle of wine & flowers!
They are so silly, mean & completely impolite. I do my best to avoid these visits. Besides, a lot of them are dirty. I mean they serve you dirty dishes, etc. 😪😫
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I have always thought the French to be the dirtiest. They smell that way too.
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👍👍👍So true, dear John! I teach my husband, who is half French, elementary hygienic rules. It’s tough.😪😪😪But I never give up!😁😁😁
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Yes, keep trying. 😁
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It is completely different in Russia. We are always generous with guests. When somebody invites you, even if he does not have much money, he will do everything possible for the guest. It is normal to bring something like a cake, flowers or a bottle of wine, etc. And, as a rule, we also give something to the guest after the party. 😁😁😁 And no worry about dishes! They will always be clean as well as the appartement.
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Same in America.
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🥳🥳🥳👍👍👍
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🍰🥂
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Never, ever, demonstrate responsibility by calling an Uber after a night of drinking at a party, if the party is in your house.
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So true and so laughable, Ankur.
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Timeless wisdom, John! 😛
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Thanks, Betsy. 😁
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