Photo by Thomas Galler on Unsplash
This post ran on December 24th, 2018. I hope you can enjoy it again.
* * *
This Top Ten list of what not to do continues with a historical backdrop. On December 24th, 1818, the Christmas carol “Silent Night” composed by Franz Xaver Gruber was first sung at St Nicholas parish church in Oberndorf, Austria. If you time travel, here is a list that might keep you from making a mistake and prepare you for a Merry Christmas.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Singing of Silent Night in 1818 by John W. Howell © 2018
10 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not sing off-key. If you do, at best, the crowd will cover you up. At worst, the choir director will call a couple of big guys and have you removed. (We know you love to sing, Gerrald. You just have to sing more quietly.)
9 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to avoid contributing to the collection plate being passed by Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t notice. At worst, Tiny, who promised 10% of his earnings to the church, will take offense. (Being held upside down and shaken until the coins fall is not the best thing, Gerritt. It sure beats a windmill body slam, though.)
8 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your “Happy Birthday JC” Christmas sweater. If you do, at best, most will not understand the message. At worst, a six-foot-seven Knight of the Templer will take it upon himself to eliminate your sweater ( I think I would offer to take the garment off and do some kind of penance, Giacomo. Otherwise, he will keep applying pressure to your head.)
7 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not arrive late for the service. If you do, at best, there will be a seat in the back pew. At worst, you will be directed to the front bench. (While you are taking that long walk, Gibson, the director, is holding his baton in mid-air, waiting for you to reach your seat. Good thing you wore a red scarf. Your face matches it correctly.)
6 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not think you know the words, and avoid using the hymnal. If you do, at best, you’ll only be noticed by a few. At worst, the entire congregation will be nudging each other and pointing, as you get most wrong. ( You can almost feel the mocking, can’t you, Gille? Wait until you turn around to leave.)
5 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not fall asleep during the sermon. If you do, at best, only the priest will know. At worst, your snoring is the subject of more than a few giggles. (Sadly, the priest decides to use you as an example of the sinning world. Oh, and don’t compliment the priest on his sermon on the way out, Gimle.)
4 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not finish that 32-ounce big gulp tankard before you arrive at the service. If you do, at best, the service will be short. At worst, the service turns into the highest mass with the most ritual possible. (After the first hour, you are beginning to openly sweat, Girisha. I would pray harder for mercy.)
3 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your Long Live France t-shirt. If you do, at best, most will not remember the War of the Seventh Coalition in 1815. At worst, most of the congregation are veterans of the war. (It looks like you have hit a sore point, Guiliano. I think you might want to exit through the side door.)
2 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not go a-wassailing for too many wassails before the service. If you do, at best, the cold night air will straighten you out. At worst, you’ll accidentally do a header into the pew in front of you. (I know you just meant to bow your head, Gleipnif. Try telling that to the spinster on whom you are laying.)
1 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to sneak out without shaking the priest’s hand. If you do, at best, the side door will be unlocked. At worse, you choose the wrong door and realize you are now in the priest’s vestment room. (Funny how that door locked behind you, Godfrey. You will now have the pleasure of explaining precisely what you are doing here once the priest is finished shaking hands.)
Fiction Favorites 
Who knew attending a church service could be so fraught with pitfalls?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Gotta watch out there.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Since I can’t carry a tune, I should probably pay attention to your suggestions, John.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m in the same boat, Jill. 😁
LikeLike
I guess I won’t hold up my phone and record it to share on social media later.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A good thing cause in 1818 the infrastructure wasn’t there to support your phone. 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
You got me right at # 10. How do you do that? 🎄🎼😏
LikeLike
I was describing myself.😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
hahaha!! 😲
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dang it. I was planning on #5.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wear sunglasses and yu can do it if you don’t snore.
LikeLike
Then I’m doomed unless I wear my CPAP machine.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You might be noticed with that.
LikeLike
Me and No.10 have a history. Good list. I cracked up at the thought of a 32-ounce big gulp tankard.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Number ten is about me as well. A tankard from the Ye Olde Seven Eleven Public House
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Enlightening, John! I’ll keep them in mind, even though I don’t time travel. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You may start time travel. Keep the list handy if you do.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And for heaven’s sake (or the sake of the congregation), don’t try to harmonize, or they may eject you for harm-onizing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah harmony on Silent Night is tricky. Leave it to the choir.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There was a time I could sing, but I wouldn’t try it now unless I was in a crowd. Loved your list, John. ❄️🎄❄️
LikeLiked by 1 person
There was no time I could sing so I’m happy to report I haven’t aged a bit in that department. Thanks, Gwen.
LikeLiked by 1 person
OMG… 😄
LikeLiked by 1 person
😁
LikeLike
#8! All you need is the Knight nodding to Tiny as they both head your way. They’ll really make you ‘sing,’ won’t they, Gertrude? Excellent, John.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It is funny how the cries for help and singing sound very similar. Thanks, Lois.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ll just sit quietly at the back and enjoy everyone else’s singing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good idea. I’ll join you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh please do! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I brought wine.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are the best!
I’ve got my Christmas biscotti (surprisingly good dipped in wine)
LikeLiked by 1 person
All right. We are set.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
But if they put tequila in the wassails everybody will know how to sing — and dance! Well, at least they’ll think they do. It’s all about perception, right?
Well worth a rerun, John. Big hugs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Teagan. Tequila is a miracle drug for sure.
LikeLike
All great, John, I do love to sing – both my brother and I got the pipes from my Mom – but I confess to nodding off during the sermon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Most of us do. Thanks, Noelle.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I will try to keep this in mind, in case I should ever attend the first singing of Silent Night in 1818. Thanks for the tips. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Always welcome.
LikeLike
All good advice, John, if I time travel back 🙂 Never know!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You never know.
LikeLike
Great points. I think it would be unwise to sing the song in English. They might catch on you are from another time or worse than that – British!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good point, Darlene.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great advice, John. Good thing I don’t sing at all 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can’t sing at all – don’t even try to lip sync. Still good tips to keep in mind, lol.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I whisper sing now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
No, don’t wear those t-shirts with messages! I thought of some of your fictional characters who time traveled.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes the sirts won’t mean much. Thanks, Jo.
LikeLike
I really enjoyed this, John. History + humor = a great read!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Jennie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome, John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol! Two of my grandsons are choristers – I hope they never make any of these mistakes!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is only us civilians who do.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Keep the JC shirt at home and keep Tiny happy . . . got it. 😉
LikeLike
“… War of the Seventh Coalition in 1815 …”
Thanks a lot, John. You sent me down a rabbit hole learning about that stupid war. (I did like researching it, but you could have said the “Hundred Days” and saved me all that trouble.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah but what fun is that?
LikeLike