Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

January 15, 2024 · by John W. Howell · in top ten things not to do · 89 Comments

Photo by Jose Antonio Gallego Vázquez on Unsplash

This post originally ran on October 13, 2014. Since some of us are still over seventy, repeating might make sense.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

10 If you are over seventy, make sure the foreign object you think is in your food is really there. If you don’t, at best, the store manager will give you your money back but will give you that “old person” roll of the eyes. At worst, the object turns out to be your glasses that fell off while you were looking closely to find out what it was. This will be discovered by the customer service person surrounded by twenty other diners.

9 If you are over seventy, do not think you can ride a bicycle at top speed, wipe out, and bounce like you did when you were fifty. If you do, at best, you will have a nice reminder as you soak in a hot bathtub and eat aspirin-like M&Ms. At worst, you will be among the lucky few spending several hours in the ER surrounded by one hundred really sick and injured people who all got there ahead of you.

8 If you are over seventy, do not try to leave the house without your glasses. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to read the credit card terminal at the checkout counter and sign whatever is there, and it matches what you bought. At worst, you will be clueless when the bank teller asks you to sign the withdrawal slip made out for you, and four days later, you read in the local newspaper that the teller is spending three weeks in Aruba.

7 If you are over seventy, do not decide the surfing competition looks winnable since there is only one entrant in the seventy and above bracket. If you do, at best, you will have nothing more catastrophic than looking like a fool. At worst, you will wipe out and ground yourself on the beach, where the medal committee will erect a monument in your honor.

6 If you are over seventy, do not think your dance routine is still in. If you do, at best, the rest of the crowd will be laughing behind your back. At worst, your routine will take up so much room and bump so many people the bouncer will remove you for your own protection

5 If you are above seventy, do not go anywhere near a Karaoke machine. If you do, at best, you will get a short, slow song you can handle poorly. At worst, you will pull a rap number and scare yourself with the words that scroll across the screen, reminding you that being scared is unsuitable for your pacemaker performance.

4 If you are over seventy, do not drive in the left lane ever. If you do, at best, you will wonder what all those hand signals mean in the context of driving. At worst, you will have a monster truck come so close to your rear bumper that you will be forced to look in the rearview mirror only to swerve into some hapless seventy-year-old next to you.

3 If you are over seventy, do not raise your arms above your head if you are wearing short sleeves; if you do, at best, you won’t notice the extra movement of skin and will think the wind is picking up. At worst, you will cause enough stares to stop traffic with those undulating biceps that seem to have fallen to the underside of your arm.

2 If you are over seventy, do not go to a restaurant any time earlier than 7:00. If you do, at best, you will get the early bird menu and won’t really find green Jell-O to your liking. At worst, a youthful server will insist that you genuinely enjoy the breaded fish sticks instead of the sizeable juicy steak you intended. “Besides,” she says. “It is much easier to chew.”

1 If you are over Seventy, do not try to tell stories about how great it was in the old days. If you do, At best, you will finish your stories to yourself. At worst, you will notice people running away as you come close, and it won’t be because you have worn the same clothes for five days. (well, maybe)

Tags: author, books, Circumstances of Childhood, Eternal Road - The final stop, fiction favorites, His Revenge, John W. Howell Author, My GRL, Our Justice, The Contract with Gwen Plano, The Last Drive, Top Ten Things Not to Do

89 comments

Chris The Story Reading Ape · January 15, 2024 - 4:38 am ·

I resemble those remarks, John 😱😂🤣😂

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 7:20 am ·
  
  Me too. 😁
  
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  1. Chris The Story Reading Ape · January 15, 2024 - 7:33 am ·
    
    😂
    
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    1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:54 pm ·
      
      😊
      
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OIKOS™- Art, Books & more · January 15, 2024 - 5:21 am ·

Rememorable tipps, John! Thanks for sharing them. But honestly, some things also can happen to people much younger than seventy. 😉 Best wishes, Michael

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 7:20 am ·
  
  Thank you, Michael. You are so right so we all better pay attention. 😁
  
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Gwen M. Plano · January 15, 2024 - 5:25 am ·

I laughed aloud at #6. It’s been a long time since I was on a dance floor, but I can easily imagine the scene. 🤣

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 7:22 am ·
  
  I think doing the mash potato today might be dangerous. Thanks, Gwen. I’m glad you got a laugh.
  
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Liz Gauffreau · January 15, 2024 - 5:53 am ·

As my dad used to say, getting old ain’t for sissies!

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 7:23 am ·
  
  So true, Liz. 😁
  
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GP · January 15, 2024 - 6:06 am ·

Well… I never!! haha, I haven’t surfed, danced or sang on a karaoke in many, many years – and frankly, I’m going to keep it that way!

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 7:25 am ·
  
  I did some karaoke last summer with my daughter and son-in-law and I have to say it was so much fun. No dancing though.
  
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Annette Rochelle Aben · January 15, 2024 - 6:14 am ·

I took notes… 😉

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 7:25 am ·
  
  Yes, keep them for that eventuality.
  
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Teri Polen · January 15, 2024 - 7:27 am ·

I’m not seventy yet, but I still don’t go near karaoke machines, lol. My MIL always preferred driving in the left lane – she said it was fun. The honking drivers behind her didn’t agree.

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 7:29 am ·
  
  I keep threatening to get a train horn for my car. Hard to ignore it. Those lefty’s get me every time.
  
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  1. Tom · January 15, 2024 - 11:04 am ·
    
    Here in Chicago they sell horns that sound like gun shots. You should see people move over !!
    
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    1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:35 pm ·
      
      That would be fun for sure
      
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Dale · January 15, 2024 - 7:55 am ·

I dunno, John. If 50 is the new 30, surely 70 is the new 50? We must still have some things we can do… Fall off and bounce like in your fifties? I don’t think so. 😉 Maybe in your 30s…

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:53 pm ·
  
  Naw in my 50s I had many a hair raising fall. Two stories from a roof etc. Also went through the windshield of my car when it stopped quickly on a tree. I still felt iron clad
  
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  1. Dale · January 15, 2024 - 5:08 pm ·
    
    Yeah well… you seem to be made of some strong stuff!!
    
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    1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 6:06 pm ·
      
      *thumps chest* Stronk like bull.
      
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Kymber Hawke · January 15, 2024 - 8:01 am ·

These are great, John! 😀 Thank you for making me smile this morning.

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:49 pm ·
  
  I’m glad you got a smile, Kymber.
  
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T. W. Dittmer · January 15, 2024 - 8:19 am ·

Things sure change as you get older. 😒

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:48 pm ·
  
  They do Tim. 🤣
  
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  1. T. W. Dittmer · January 15, 2024 - 4:55 pm ·
    
    I finally got the neighbor’s driveway cleared. It took a lot of icemelt. It was 5 below this morning and got up to 10 today.
    
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    1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 6:04 pm ·
      
      🥶 You should not be out there working. But good on ya.
      
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    2. T. W. Dittmer · January 15, 2024 - 6:54 pm ·
      
      I did okay. Got ‘er done. 😁
      
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    3. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 9:13 pm ·
      
      YAY
      
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Charles Yallowitz · January 15, 2024 - 8:21 am ·

I’d say many people younger than 70 should avoid karaoke machines.

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:48 pm ·
  
  Good advice too.
  
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Debbie · January 15, 2024 - 8:54 am ·

John, #8 can affect even those under 70! I know I keep my “music reading glasses” in my instrument case, just so I can see the notes as they rush by. But that bicycle-thing? Well, again, I can imagine plenty of under-70s should avoid that. Thanks for my morning giggle!

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:47 pm ·
  
  I’m glad you got a giggle, Debbie. I still ride a bike and enjoy it.
  
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  1. Debbie · January 15, 2024 - 6:03 pm ·
    
    Biking is good for you. Riding at breakneck speed probably isn’t!
    
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    1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 6:09 pm ·
      
      Mines a cruiser. One speed. I manage about 8 miles and hour and that’s it with these hills.
      
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lois · January 15, 2024 - 9:11 am ·

Hilarious! When I used to run, there was one man who was in the 70+ age group. By himself. He always won. Long after all the awards were given out, we’d wait for him to cross the finish line. It became more like, “Here’s your damn award” and then everyone left. Kudos to him, but still.. I no longer run, but darn! I’d win, you know! 🤣

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:46 pm ·
  
  I think that would be fun for sure to see that old guy fast walking to the finish.
  
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coldhandboyack · January 15, 2024 - 9:18 am ·

These are great tips. I’ll save them just in case I live that long.

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:45 pm ·
  
  Yes. They may come in handy.
  
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Dan Antion · January 15, 2024 - 9:29 am ·

I’ll have to keep these handy, John. I’ll cross that line later this year

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:45 pm ·
  
  Yes maybe a laminate over the workbench.
  
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shoreacres · January 15, 2024 - 9:43 am ·

At least your list doesn’t assume that anyone over 55 is a ‘senior citizen.’ I’ve never surfed or taken part in karaoke, but I still dance, and I never clog the left lane. Of course, I can be going 70 while those in the left lane are going 85, so there’s that.

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:43 pm ·
  
  I’m over 82 and don’t think of myself as a senior citizen. My coupe can do 140 so you would definitely be in the way. in the left lane.
  
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Bruce@WOTC · January 15, 2024 - 9:44 am ·

I’m still a few years away from this benchmark, but I’m gonna keep these available for future use should I get there, John. That being said, it looks like some existing behavior will have to be severely altered to meet these requirements.🙂

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:40 pm ·
  
  Your body will let you know, Bruce.
  
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Jacqui Murray · January 15, 2024 - 9:45 am ·

Fun post, John. Would be funny if not so true!

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:40 pm ·
  
  Thanks, Jacqui.
  
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Tails Around the Ranch · January 15, 2024 - 9:45 am ·

This Boomer has learned (too often, the hard way) wiping out, and bouncing back are not nearly as easy as they used to be. Here’s to many days over 70 and being upright.

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:39 pm ·
  
  Yes, I agree. I have had over 4,320 days over 70 and am still upright.
  
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Author Jan Sikes · January 15, 2024 - 10:35 am ·

Since I am over seventy, I’m taking all of this to heart, especially #3. 🙂

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:36 pm ·
  
  There you go.
  
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Mark Anderson · January 15, 2024 - 12:58 pm ·

Failing to have my glasses with me at all times is always disastrous, and, yes, that fact is compounded all the more as I near the age of 74 this year. As always, John, you’ve struck that vein of truth in your nice post!

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 3:36 pm ·
  
  Thank you, Mark. This is a very nice thing to say.
  
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Jennie · January 15, 2024 - 2:05 pm ·

Really funny, John!

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 3:39 pm ·
  
  Thank you, Jennie.
  
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D.L. Finn, Author · January 15, 2024 - 3:56 pm ·

All good advice, John 🙂

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 4:30 pm ·
  
  Thank you, Denise
  
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petespringerauthor · January 15, 2024 - 5:03 pm ·

So many of these are true for me, though I’m 65. I am a prisoner to my glasses and always travel with more than one pair.

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 6:05 pm ·
  
  I had cataract surgery and no longer need glasses. What a blessing.
  
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Sue Dreamwalker · January 15, 2024 - 5:28 pm ·

Haha, as I read number 9…. I fell off my first bike ride aged 7, and refused to get back on one… Instead I had a scooter 🙂 Even though my hubby and children in later years tried to get me to ride a bike… 🙂
And as I am coming up to my seventh decade this year… LOL… And… NO… I will not be using an elderly scooter 🙂 😂 .. just good old leg power 🙂 But a warm hot bath tub would still be most welcome.. 🙂 … 🤣😂

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 6:08 pm ·
  
  I can understand the hot bath. I still ride my bike at 82 and will continue until my balance leaves me. Thanks, Sue.
  
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  1. Sue Dreamwalker · January 16, 2024 - 6:06 am ·
    
    Well done to you John . My father in law used to rude his bike into his mid eighties too. Even though he sometimes wobbled lol ..
    
    So we’ll done you xx 👏👏
    
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    1. John W. Howell · January 16, 2024 - 7:08 am ·
      
      When the wobbles come then it will be quitting time. I stopped skiing at 70 since I no longer trusted my balance.
      
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    2. Sue Dreamwalker · January 16, 2024 - 12:53 pm ·
      
      WOW…. you put me to shame.. 🙂 lol…. xx
      
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    3. John W. Howell · January 16, 2024 - 1:41 pm ·
      
      Ha ha ha.🤣
      
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noelleg44 · January 15, 2024 - 6:53 pm ·

I liked the bike one, but see the fallen rider in the ortho ward in traction.

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1. John W. Howell · January 15, 2024 - 9:13 pm ·
  
  Not a good thing
  
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Ankur Mithal · January 16, 2024 - 7:46 am ·

Read somewhere to the effect…everybody wants to live to a hundred, but nobody wants to get old.

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1. John W. Howell · January 16, 2024 - 8:17 am ·
  
  Ha ha ha. Typical human thought.
  
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Stevie Turner · January 16, 2024 - 11:38 am ·

All good advice, John. Also (as I’ve found out to my cost) don’t get on an e-scooter.

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1. John W. Howell · January 16, 2024 - 1:31 pm ·
  
  Good idea on the e-scooter.
  
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  1. Stevie Turner · January 17, 2024 - 3:49 am ·
    
    Two cracked ribs, as I remember.
    
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    1. John W. Howell · January 17, 2024 - 6:58 am ·
      
      OW. Costly lesson. 🙁
      
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    2. Stevie Turner · January 17, 2024 - 9:03 am ·
      
      Yep.
      
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The Coastal Crone · January 16, 2024 - 1:08 pm ·

Good advice for those of us still over seventy!

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1. John W. Howell · January 16, 2024 - 2:37 pm ·
  
  Yes, we need all the help we can get. Thanks, Jo
  
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Sorryless · January 16, 2024 - 4:57 pm ·

Is it bad that I relate to some of these now?

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1. John W. Howell · January 16, 2024 - 9:16 pm ·
  
  Naw. You are just careful.
  
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  1. Sorryless · January 17, 2024 - 4:09 am ·
    
    That’s it.
    
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    1. John W. Howell · January 17, 2024 - 6:58 am ·
      
      😊
      
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Luanne · January 16, 2024 - 5:30 pm ·

LOL, even at 68 unfortunately a lot of these apply!!!

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1. John W. Howell · January 16, 2024 - 9:18 pm ·
  
  I hear you. 😊
  
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kethuprofumo · January 19, 2024 - 4:27 pm ·

😁😁😁 I shall keep the list in mind for the future, dear John. Number 1 is the top! And not even at that age. Thank you a lot for this joyful list! 🍻🍤🍤🍤🥳

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1. John W. Howell · January 19, 2024 - 4:54 pm ·
  
  Yes, you are way too young to pay attention to this list.
  
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Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age – المدونة الشاملة · January 22, 2024 - 10:47 pm ·

[…] Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age […]

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1. John W. Howell · January 23, 2024 - 7:11 am ·
  
  Thank you for sharing my post.
  
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Andrew Joyce · January 25, 2024 - 1:45 am ·

I got one. If you’re over seventy don’t speak in only emojis or your contemporaries won’t know what the hell you’re sayin’.

I’m lookin’ at you Chris the Ape and John Howell.

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1. John W. Howell · January 25, 2024 - 7:02 am ·
  
  🤣 Good one Andrew. Big laugh.
  
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