Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Conner Baker on Unsplash

 

This post originally ran on February 15th, 2015.  Reading it over convinced me that it was still relevant. I hope you have a lovely President’s Day.

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Today’s list has been created to provide a little satire surrounding President’s Day. (Happy President’s Day) This is a holiday that I have had a tough time getting my mind around. Other than getting a Monday off, I haven’t been able to see the significance of it all. Yes, Lincoln and Washington each have a birthday two days apart, and this may be the only reason. I didn’t mind celebrating each separately. Of course, there have been forty-six presidents, and most have made at least half of the population angry at one time or another. So maybe by lumping them all together after a couple of beers, we might forgive them. It can’t be ignored that President’s Day is used by mattress and car companies as an excuse to have a sale. I’m sure they are happy it exists. Here is a tongue-in-cheek top ten things not to do on President’s Day.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

10 On President’s Day, do not go to Wal-Mart and buy a giant Happy Presidents Day blow up lawn thingy. If you do, at best, your neighbors will think you have a screw loose. At worst, a stiff wind will grab the lawn thingy and drag it, and the tie down through your neighbor’s front window, and there will be no way to call upon the spirit of President’s Day for forgiveness.

9 On Presidents Day, do not plan to receive lots of President’s Day gifts. If you do, at best, you will sit under the cherry tree, a very disappointed person. At worst, all the gifts you bought expecting a big gift exchange will all come due as your credit card company has a new policy on minimum payments required.

8 On President’s Day, do not try to organize a President’s Day office party. If you do, at best, your co-workers will request a transfer. At worst, the HR department will invite you to participate in the employee mental health improvement program, which will include three days in group therapy and an hour in shock treatment.

7 On President’s Day, do not ask your neighbors to donate to a fund for the less fortunate. If you do, at best, you will never have to speak to them again. At worst, the local police will have you in for questioning due to a report on the potential for your request for donations to be taken as a scam.

6 On President’s Day, do not try to sing President’s Day carols in your neighborhood. If you do, at best, there will be a number of slammed doors and no invitations for hot cocoa. At worst, your neighbors might band together to organize an intervention and carry you bound and gagged to the nearest institution.

5 On President’s Day, do not expect a bonus from your boss. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, the money you spent in anticipation of your President’s Day bonus will need to be covered before the card company sends a collection notice.

4 On President’s Day, do not organize a picnic at the park to celebrate. If you do, at best, no one will show up. At worst, you will be shoveling three feet of snow just to find the barbecue grill, not to mention the crimp in the volleyball game.

3 On President’s Day, do not shoot off fireworks. If you do, at best, you will be the only one doing so, and your neighbors will know where to send the police. At worst, your massive fireworks display will ignite the neighbor’s roof, and since it is thirty degrees below zero, the fire department won’t be able to pump water, and your neighbor is heading over to your house with what looks like a ball bat in his hand.

2 On President’s Day, do not sit in front of the TV thinking there will be a football game to watch. If you do, at best, your family will seek counsel from the local clergy. At worst, your friends will all come over and start eating your snacks and drinking your beer while placing bets on how long it will be until the ambulance shows up. You might want to get in on the bet since the pot is at one hundred dollars.

1 On President’s Day, do not send Happy President’s Day cards to all your friends, family, and co-workers. If you do, at best, they will not know what to do or say. At worst, next year, some will send you a Happy President’s Day card since you sent one last year. This will cause you to check each off your list and only send a card the following year to those who sent you one.

66 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day”

  2. I’m with GP. Some moron will set off fireworks tonight. If you’re keen on finding Presidents Day carols, I suggest searching for the Simpson’s “Mediocre Presidents.”

    In 42 years of working, John, I never worked anywhere that gave us this day off. Good list. I hope you have a great week. It seems you’re supposed to buy a mattress.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. All of these are great. Of course, the #1 thing I’m not going to do on Presidents’ Day is stay home from work. We self-employed run on a different schedule. Hi ho, hi ho, and all that!

    Liked by 1 person

      2. Retail will be biz as usual. Government offices, banks will be closed and my trash service will be delayed by a day. Personally I think this day should be bagged in favor of Election Day. Though with the current crop of candidates there’s not a whole lot to celebrate these days.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. It always struck me as a holiday grab but what do I know, I’m a naturalized citizen. Far more important things to celebrate than a couple of notable presidents and just those two makes it seems like no one since Lincoln is worthy of a day. Oh wait…now I understand. LOL Happy President’s Day. Yeah the whole mattress sale things seems very incongruent today.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. This is one of your best ever, John. If someone sent me a President’s Day card, I’d probably say, “I’ve got to find some new friends.”

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Hmmm. From an outsider perspective, does not seem as popular as some of the other uniquely American days like Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, etc. Anything to do with the gentlemen occupying the position?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In my mind , yes. Most of the left leaners would say, “OF COURSE NOT. HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH A THING. THE PRESIDENT IS FULLY ABLE TO RUN THE SOCIALIST REPUBLIC AND WE LOVE HIM.” I would say he is a bumbling old fool who has denigrated the status of the US with bad policy.

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