This post ran on July 23, 2018. Here we are in August, almost a month later, facing the same situation.
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The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.
10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason should be a little better than “Trying to cool off” since only a fool, crazy person, or drunk person would be running today.)
9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me” if you accidentally bump into Tiny, the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny, who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group, will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked, I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edward. Running will only make him madder.)
8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best, there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay, you are in violation of your homeowner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim, before Mrs. Jones spots that half-done lawn cut.)
7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best, you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)
6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best, you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream, which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)
5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best, the boat has a canopy, so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)
4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best, the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk, you could ask for a cab.)
3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best, your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)
2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company’s warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best, everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it that when the electricity goes off, it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)
1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky that the neighbor rescued them, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake, don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not. By the way, the neighbor has challenged you to a duel.)
Fiction Favorites 
Wonderful advice, John. Personally, I stay indoors with doors and windows closed (and blinds down)! We have one more day before the temperature drops…
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We have 70 more days of 100s
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How do you bear it, our heat comes in waves and today it’s a lot cooler…
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Each year I wonder the same thing. We need to find a cool place for the summer. 🥵
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I will drink to that, John. We also need a quieter place, the traffic is so much worse this year. But where would we go?
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That is the question.
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70 more days? I am beginning to get jealous.
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Nice list, John. Re 8: Aren’t robot mowers wonderful?
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I suppose if you have one it would be wonderful.
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😏
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Funny, John, I used to love the heat, but the older I get – geez, I just feel like I’m meltinggggg…….
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Yeah me too. I get the feeling of being baked.
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Great list, John. I grew up in the California desert of Imperial Valley, and as kids, we’d sit in front of a large house fan draped with wet sheets to cool off. Summer temperatures hovered around 115-120 degrees. 🥵
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I can’t imagine living in those temperatures without A/C. I wonder if you remember the first time you entered an air conditioned building as a kid.
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I don’t recall the first time, but we got an air conditioner when I was about 11. It was heavenly.
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I’ll bet. we never had Air conditioning until I moved into our second house. You are right. It was heavenly.
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I’ve done that one before. Had to recycle the idea in a Sun Valley Hotel once. They had no AC at all.
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Goodness. Would hate that.
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I think we’re in for another month of this, too.
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Last year we had 70 plus days over 100. We are off to a slower start this year so who knows?
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All good tips indeed! 🌺😂
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Thanks, Kymber.
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We haven’t hit 110, John but we’ve been as high as 108, so this list may come in handy. Number 10 is sadly needed. It’s actually showing up on billboards.
Number four reminded me of a funny line someone recently shared, “She said, ‘I missed you’. I smiled, then I noticed she was reloading”
I hope you have a good week. Stay cool if you can.
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Oops, I meant Number-1
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I got the drift.
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You as well. It is going to be hot around here.
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Wow! Heat index over 100 degrees F can sap one of their energy. We were at 55 degrees F first thing this morning.
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I envy your 55. When we lived in Northern California it was 55 every night. We loved that.
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#1 is great advice, but fairly messed up that some people need to be reminded.
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It is messed up that people need a reminder.
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Good advice for us to follow in these heat waves. I especially liked how you added “The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner” — indeed, that line of the poem becomes even more frustrating when you’re baking in the heat!
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That was my favorite poem as a kid. It evoked so many imaginary adventures on the sea.
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Even trying to do yard work in the shade is ridiculous. I like being outside but going out from 9-10am in this heat is about to kill me. **Tiny, can you get me some water?** All good ones, John.
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Tiny just brought you a 50 gallon drum of fresh water. He is asking you to tell him when you have had enough. You might consider confessing to something while you are drinking very fast.
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Oh, hahaha! That Tiny….such a peach. Hilarious, John.
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Glad you liked it. Tiny is a cut up for sure. 😁
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I’m with GP–I do not tolerate the heat like I used to. Or the cold, for that matter. Good post.
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I think those of us above 80 would agree with you and GP. (Even though you are still kids.)
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All excellent advice, John. This heat was a killer. Since our deluge on Friday and Saturday, things have cooled off but we know it’s only temporary.
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Till what? Mid September?
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For us, I don’t rightly know. Our Septembers have been getting hotter and hotter so…
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I can imagine.
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Gee, that sounds miserable — thank heaven for air conditioning! We’ve had some strings of wicked heat and humidity here, too, but we had a cool front come through, making everything more bearable. If I could find a way to share it with you, John, I would!
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I appreciate you wanting to share your cool front but we just have to wait it out. Thanks, Debbie.
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Keep cool in the heat, John! Save the tents and cookouts for another day. When I see people out running in 100 degree weather, well, I don’t know what to say about that!
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I don’t either. It is about as nuts as you can get. Thanks, Barbara.
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Yup!
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😁
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All great suggestions, since we live with miserable heat. I’m glad you mentioned pets. A friend of mine took his dog running with him on a very hot day and the dog died of heat stroke.
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That is a shame. I guess there wasn’t a whole lot of thinking done before that happened. Sorry for his loss.
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Dear John
We hate such a heat, actually every temperature above 25 degrees C. We need rain or snow, we love moderate temperatures (between 20 and 25 degrees).
Great post that made us laugh.
Thanks & Cheers
The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
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I’m with y’all. The heat is not the best thing. I’m glad you got a laugh. Thanks for letting me know, F4oC.
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Thank you John, those were funny. 110 heat index is indeed a lot. Here we have heat index 109. The wetbulb temperature is similar to heat index but it includes more including conditions like direct sunlight, while heat index is always measured in the shadow. The wetbulb temperature is usually lower than heat index but more practical. A wetbulb temperature of 95 degrees is deadly. A human will die within a few hours.
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Than you for this information, Thomas.
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That comment about the wet bulb temperature could be a little worrying to people accustomed to heat indices. MIT has a wet bulb calculator that’s useful. This very minute, we have 65% relative humidity at my place and the temperature is 32C (89.6F). That results in a wet bulb temperature of 78F. I guess death shouldn’t be a worry just yet!
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Thank you, Linda.
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All I have to say on this matter is . . fuck this heat.
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Agreed.
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Since it is only 105 outside, none of these apply to my current situation. haha About number 10… I am forever amazed when I see people out jogging in the heat of the day. Why?
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I have no idea. At 105 you can totally ignore this post. Thanks, Michele
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Too late, already read it! 😁 Summer is far from over – your list may prove helpful yet! 🙏🏻
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Yes. Who knows. I have a special laminated fire proof version for when it gets really hot. 😊
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Smart! 😄
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😊
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That whole heat Texas heat index thing is just incomprehensible. I really don’t know how ya’ll do it.
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It took about two years when we first got here for us to be able to go outside in the heat. Finally we got used to it (sort of) 😁
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I’d have likely evaporated before I got used to it. I’ve never done high temps in my life and used to be routinely sent home from school for the heat rash I always seemed to get as a kid. They always thought I had the measles. 😱
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That sounds like a good reason to stay in the mountains. 😊
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The real plus is the lack of humidity-it doesn’t jack up my hair. LOL
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I’m lucky to live in a high humidly area without much hair.
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🤣
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😁
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Sound advice for this Texas heat, John!
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Thank you, Jan. 😊
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I don’t go out unless I absolutely have to when temps even get about 90. We’re down in the 80s today, but haven’t had rain in weeks.
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We need rain too. We need to go outside when it is above 90 or we would become Helen and Howard Hughes
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OMG, can I ever identify with this one. I haven’t been outside in weeks now. (I did make a short trip to the end of our drive to get the mail yesterday, but won’t be doing that again before November! Geez, it’s blinkin’ hot down down here! I don’t know how I managed to survive childhood in Florida back in the days when only the RICH had a/c!!!
Great one, John! And stay cool, my friend! ☺️👍🏻☺️
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We have many more 100+ days ahead. Staying as cool as possible. Thanks, Marcia.
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We normally stay in the high 90s this time of year. Once in a great while we hit triple digits, but thankfully, not too often. 98 is bad enough. URK!! My husband is still taking his 5-mile walk every day, even though I’ve warned him over and over that he’s risking heat stroke. (Dang Yankee idjit!!! 😂) I’m just lucky I haven’t had to go out and scrape his remains up off the bubbling asphalt!!)
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I hope he is doing it in the morning. That’s when I ride my bike. Usually it is 79 or 80 then which is very cool.
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I wish I could say he does it in the morning, but nope. Most days it’s after lunch … like High NOON! I keep telling him to do it early, or MUCH later in the afternoon/evening, but I’m not getting through to him. *sigh*
To be fair, he does handle heat much better than I, but still … there’s a limit beyond which it’s just foolish to take that risk. (That’s MY story, and after 80 years of Florida living, I’m pretty sure I’ve got it right, so I’m stickin’ to it! 😁)
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The heat concerns me while exercising.
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As well it should. Glad you are playing it safe, John! 😊👍🏻😊
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😁
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I totally disagree with #4. Dark, airconditioned, sports on the TV, booze … what’s wrong with that?
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Just don’t drive home after a full afternoon there.
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My daughter in San Diego has been seeing crazy high temps this summer. The other night as we were texting each other, she sent photos of her outdoor thermometer. By the time we finished talking, the thermometer had hit 110.
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That is crazy. Those folks have no A/C either.
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They also got torrential rains for days, which never happens.
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Whoa. That is strange.
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Scary . . .
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I would say.
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