This post ran on July 30, 2018. I’m not sure how many of you have attended a Renaissance Faire, but if you do go, here is some advice.
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The inspiration for this list was a question by the producer. “Have you done a Top Ten on a Renaissance Faire?” The answer was “No.” So here it is. (I know pretty simple inspiration, isn’t it?)
10 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not raise your hand when the wizard asks for volunteers. If you do, at best, you might get embarrassed. At worst, the trick will go horribly wrong, and you’ll be sporting some Hellboy horns. (I think that stray goat gave a The Fly-like result, Emest. Don’t worry. Maybe the wizard can reverse the spell. Yeah, maybe.)
9 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not boo Tiny, the WWF champ, when he walks onto the jousting field. If you do, at best, he will have lost you in the crowd. At worst, Tiny, who has been attending court-ordered anger management classes, will accidentally let go of his mace as he nears the spectator stand. (You can place money on where that mace will land, Emmanuele. No, that umbrella won’t help at all.)
8 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept the invitation to put your head and wrists into the stocks. If you do, at best, you’ll get a humorous photo. At worst, the guy running the stock exhibit forgot the keys, and now you have an afternoon of ridicule. ( It will be fun, he said. How much fun is it, Enar? Oh, that tomato wasn’t quite ripe, was it?)
7 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think Three Card Monty is an easy way to pick up spending money. If you do, at best, you may only lose a few dollars. At worst, you and the dealer must come to an equitable arrangement to cover that last bet. (I don’t think he will take a check, Engel.)
6 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept an invitation to attend the after-hours cast party. If you do, at best, you’ll need to leave early to take the babysitter home. At worst, you’ll be singing “Moma Told Me Not to Come” while trying to find the door out. (Whoever coined the term “hangover,” Enyeto. How you feel is more like “life over.”)
5 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not join the music makers on stage if you are overserved. If you do, at best, no one you know will see your performance. At worst, the videos the audience took when you fell off the stage all went viral. (Hard to explain to your boss what you were thinking huh, Ephrem. He believes the head of HR should set a better example.)
4 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not throw your consumed turkey leg over your shoulder as a supposed imitation of Henry VIII. If you do, at best, by chance it will hit a trash receptacle. At worst, you will catch someone’s grandma in the face with your trash. (That someone just happens to be the big guy wearing the barbarian outfit now holding you off your feet, Erikson. He’s not buying the accident story, and his club looks pretty substantial.)
3 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not wear period armor. If you do, at best, the day will be overcast. At worst, the temperature just hit a new record high. (Now you know what it is like to be in a sweatbox, Erroll. That authentic clasp on the back is just out of reach, and everyone you ask to unhook thinks you’re a perve.)
2 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not get carried away with the thought of quitting work and joining the cast. If you do, at best, your audition will fail. At worst, you will be picked to play the blacksmith. (That hot furnace and pounding metal all day wasn’t what you had in mind; was it Eryk? Too bad you signed a seasonal agreement, and you only have six more months to serve. You found out too late that no one likes to play the blacksmith.)
1 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think you have to talk to everyone in Renaissance English. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, a large cast member will think you are making fun of his speech. (It might be a good idea to find a flagon of mead right now, Eskander. Better yet, two flagons. One to share with the guy holding your neck.)
Fiction Favorites 
Good advices as always, John! Honestly who wants to visit such fairs?;-) If i want to see how people lived in the past, here i only have to look outside. Lol Best wishes, Michael
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Thank you, Michael. I guess Americans are interested in the past.
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I think we just had one of these in our area. I haven’t been to one since the early 70s, but your list of things to avoid sounds just about right, John. PS, my roommate at the time could stand in for Tiny. It was always better being his friend.
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Ha ha ha. I had one of those roommates. Too much beer and he forgot who was friend or foe.
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Do you think if I can pull off # 3, I might lose a tad of weight or just drop dead of dehydration?
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You will sure look good going down though. Go for it.
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These temps will keep me away. Maybe I’ll rewatch Excalibur for the right vibe.
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There you go. A perfect solution.
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Numbers 4 and 8…!! Too funny.
So, I guess you are saying it’s OK to volunteer to ride the horse holding that long, sharp pointy thing? I mean, how heavy can it be, right?
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Yeah, go ahead. With any luck your opponent will fall off his horse before getting to you. If not just hit the dirt.😁 Thanks, Lois.
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Both sons have attended ren fairs, but I’ve never been. They always have a good time, so maybe I’ll give them a try some day.
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Those that attend alsway report a good time. Maybe it is time to try
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A friend has a grandson who participates in jousting contests. He started after going to a RenFaire. He thought the jousting was cool, but considered the rest of it — the costumes, etc. — silly and never went back.
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I am more or less with him. Jousting would be cool. The rest? Not so much.
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#5 is definitely the best advice. Goes for so many situations.
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Thank you, Charles.
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Should attending a Renaissance Faire be in my future, I shall look to this fine list to ensure I don’t get into trouble!
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A very good thing to do, Dale. 😁
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😁
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😊
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This was so funny! I live very closely to the MI Ren Faire and The Mister and I worked there for many years. Such fun!
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I am familiar with the area. I lived in Detroit and then moved to Birmingham MI. Dated a girl in Clarkston. Way long ago before the Faire.😊
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Wow! I remember you saying you lived here. Both The Mister and I graduated from Clarkston High School. lol 😀
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That is amazing. I graduated from Birmingham Seaholm. (The last year there was just one high school)
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Wow! It’s a small world after all! 🙂
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It is.
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I’ve never been to one, John, but I’ll keep all these things in mind if I ever do!
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That is a good idea, Noelle.
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Good advice, John. 😊
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Thanks Tim.
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why did we never have a Fair at a National meeting? Would have been a hoot.
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I think we almost died at the MASH event but you are right. It would have been fun.
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I love Renaissance Fairs! What a fun top ten list, John. Great advice – especially loved the wearing of the armor.
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Thank you, Jan. 😁
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These are good. When I went to a Renaissance Faire in my 20’s, none of it mattered (I even wore spiked heels). When I went in my 70’s, all of it did!
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Funny how those things change. Thanks, Jacqui.
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What a fun list, John. You prompted me to think back to when I attended them. I was always amazed by the talent and in awe that everyone stayed in character. Enjoy the day! 🌞
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Yes I have never been but I have heard some of the same comments. Thank you, Gwen. 😁
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I’ve never been to one, John, but it sounds as if your list might come in handy if I ever do. Judging by that photo, I’d hope these things are held during a cooler time of year!
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I’m thinking they are held in the summers but I might be wrong. I have never gone to one either.
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Hee, hee…the only thing I learned buy attending a Renaissance Faire was don’t wear white jeans and sandals. If you do, they’ll never get clean and your feet will look umm…sorta tanned. 🤣
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Yes white jeans in that mess would be goners.
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I don’t know why, but Renaissance Faires flip my mockery switch to on.
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Mine too.
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I’m glad I’m not the only one.
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😊
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That is good advice. We like to visit the Scarborough Faire Renaissance Festival in Waxahachie south of Dallas. Another, perhaps specifically for Scarborough Faire is don’t get lost in the labyrinth.
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That is good advice, Thomas.
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Ha! I get this! I went to a Renaissance Faire as a chaperone for my son’s 5th grade class. It was a lot wilder and bawdier than I expected! Also, there were a lot of turkey legs going around, so good advice 🙂
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That must have been a great memory
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It was!
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😊
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Oh gosh, the stockade. Pain and humiliation. Thank goodness that punishment is still not around.
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I agree. The worst part is sitting on that thin rail.
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I’ve been to the Maryland Renaissance Festival a handful of times, and your advice rings true! I especially enjoyed your advice to not throw your finished turkey leg over your shoulder 🙂
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I could see a little old lady consumed by dogs fighting over the leg. Thanks, Dave.
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This had me laughing the whole way through – remembering taking students to Renaissance Faires. Turkey legs and rowdy bus rides, oh my! 😅
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Oh my, indeed.
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😂
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😳
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🎭🍗🚌🙉😢
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🧌🎯🗡🪬🍺🍗🧝♂️
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Perfect! 👍🏻
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Your list brought back memories of the one time I went to a Renaissance Faire, about 40 years ago. In fact, the memories started with #10. Although a wizard wasn’t involved, I did volunteer for a game in which the prize was a kiss from a guy in full costume. I didn’t think I’d win. I did win. And I froze when the guy moved in on me and my friends laughed. I didn’t play any more games after that 😉
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Well at least you knew the prize.
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Terrific.
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😅
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😊
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Yeah, Tiny and jousting is not the kind of thing I want to be thinking of when my head hits the pillow tonight.
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Gotta wipe that thought out completely 😊
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Gone!
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😊
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