Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

~ John W. Howell

This post ran on October 2, 2017. I’m still heeding its advice. I hope you find it useful too.

Ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

10 If your electrical service is out, do not try to diagnose and fix the problem. If you do, at best, you’ll melt a screwdriver. At worst, the jolt you receive will clear your mind and sinus. (The manual said the white wire was dead, huh, Bandos?)

9 If your pipes leak, do not try the DIY plumber ploy. If you do at best, you can get the leak to stop a little. At worst, you will finally give up when the water level is above your knees. (Did that last tighten move break everything loose, Berto?)

8 If you need to fix the drywall, do not do it alone. If you do, at best, you’ll finally give up. At worst, you’ll pull something that really hurts. (I hope you enjoy the body cast, Brandt. It is only for twelve weeks.)

7 If your roof needs repair, do not go up there. If you do, at best, the gutters will break your fall. At worst, you can be heard screaming for blocks as you slide down the roof only to land on Tiny, the WWF champ, who just started his new job at UPS. (Notice how fast Tiny recovers from a sneak attack? Too bad every bone in your body won’t let you run away, Burley.)

6 If your window needs replacement, do not try it alone. If you do, at best, it will fall out while your back is turned. At worse, the first wind will cause the window to fall from the second story just as the minister rings your doorbell. (Belonging to that church was optional, right, Burt?)

5 If your siding needs to be replaced, do not do it with friends. If you do, at best, no one will get hurt. At worst, the job will go well until your neighbor steps off the ladder, thinking he is at ground level. (A little too much beer and the second story does seem like ground level, Boswell.)

4 If there is concrete work to do, do not do it. If you insist, at best, the work will look like a kindergarten class project. At worst, the idea of handprints and initials will take on a sinister aspect when you can’t get free. (On TV, that Hollywood Walk of Fame thing looks easy. Right. Brinsley?)

3 If you have a tree that needs removal, do not think you are Paul Bunyan. If you do, at best, the only limbs affected are on the tree. At worst, your scream of “timber” is totally ignored by your house, which never moved. ( Nice to have that two-story view of the sky, huh, Buzzy?)

2 If you have necessary tile work, do not think it is as easy as it looks. If you do, at best, that herringbone pattern appears like a fun house mirror. At worst, your first shower in the newly tiled space will resemble a melting marshmallow flow. (There was something about waiting for 72 hours for the grout to dry, wasn’t there, Bodie?)

1 If your house needs to be power washed, do not think you can do it. If you do, at best, you’ll quit in time. At worst, you won’t notice that the strong spray is taking off the paint along with the dirt. (If you pay attention, Burl, you can also see the lighting fixtures blown into the neighbor’s yard.)

94 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself”

      1. First off, a bit of Swahili vocabulary: fundi translates as skilled worker. Now the story. When I was working in Tanzania, Leslie, one of my staff, gleefully told me that he had managed to get to the front of the three-year waiting list to buy a new bicycle. The next night, he brought it in to show me. It had a lot of loose spokes, its chain was loose and off its sprockets, and the seat and handlebars were abysmally out of alignment. He was smiling and said he would take it to the bicycle fundi the following day. I told him not to bother with that expense and offered to grab my tools and do all the needed work for him at no cost. “But Sir,” he said, “If you do all the work for me, how will the bicycle fundi feed his children?” That stuck with me. Ever since then, I’ve made a point of using reputable local sole-traders or small businesses, even for things I ought to be able to do myself (albeit to a less than professional standard).

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    1. I think you are wise. At my age, I have been forbidden to climb a ladder so most of the DYI projects are in the hands of incompetent but costly handypersons. 😁 I hope your week is good too, Klausbernd.

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      1. Dear John

        Fortunately, we have a strong young guy who helps.
        Hanne-Dina is not afraid of ladders but so am I.

        These handymen are also costly here and don’t know what they are doing. We found out that in the end, a proper company with trained workers is the best solution.

        Wishing you an easy week
        Klausbernd 🙂

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    1. The Producer has laid down the law. This was after I finished an up on the ladder drywall seam repair (including mud and texture). “No more ladders,” was the edict. This also means DYI is pretty much dead too. The repair is undetectable but I did have a tense moment dismounting from the twelve foot ladder. I suppose it is for the best.

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      1. Our house used to have wood shingles. After my wife saw me up on the ladder at one of the gable ends, she decided were were installing vinyl siding. The siding (made to look like shakes) was the last time I was up on a ladder at that end. They are looking out for us. Good job on that repair, though,

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  11. Many years ago before we had the boys at our house in SC, hubby got up on the roof of the garage for a reason I can’t remember. I was in the shower when the ladder fell and couldn’t hear him yell. And that’s how he met our new neighbors, lol.

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  12. We are at the stage where we suck it up and call the pros. I was looking for Tiny…oh, he’s a UPS driver. I want to see a porch pirate get past him! 😃

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  14. With age comes wisdom! We farm all this out now, except for power washing the walkways. Our treeist has a Ph.D, in Philosophy from Harvard. Says he likes working with trees better and he has a great crew.

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  15. My dad once tried #7. We didn’t know anything had happened until he showed up in the kitchen and sat there staring into space. When Mom asked “What’s up?” he said, “Not me.” He’d gone up to adjust the antennae, and fell on his head on our concrete patio. In the end, there was no damage to him or the patio, although there have been a few family jokes about me inheriting his hard head.

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  16. I tend to be a fixer, but only with minor problems. I’ve painted homes inside and out, but as for your list, I don’t do any of those repairs. I’d rather work in the garden. 🌞

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  21. I learned many years ago when I owned a hardware story that the electrical and plumbing department were not be me. I knew my limitations and learned to call those who knew what they were doing. My mom didn’t raise an ordinary fool. LOL

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  22. Uh-oh. I do all of these except plumbing and tree-removal. So far, so good, John. No major mess-ups or trips to the hospital. The roof is getting a little scary at my age, but … give me a home project and I’m a happy camper. 🙂

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      1. Yes you are right. I understand electricity pretty well, and I’ve designed many digital circuits, and I am an electrical engineer / software engineer, but I would still let an electrician take care of electrical work in my house. It is his job, not mine.

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  25. This makes me think of the days when we were first married and had no money. I tried to do everything myself, and usually the job would take three times as long as it would have taken a professional to do it. Now, I just stay in my lane and call somebody.

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    1. Very wise. Pete. We ha a door in the bedroom that wouldn’t latch properly. It was obvious that their was a misalignment between the door and the frame catch. I was getting out my chisel to correct the problem and The Producer reminded me not to destroy anything. I called a guy.

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      1. Reminds me of a line from a popular Hindi movie by the name of Angoor.

        Chap 1: “Do you have a mole behind your left shoulder?”

        Chap 2: “No.”

        Chap 1: “What a coincidence. Neither do I. That makes us twin brothers.”

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