Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Leave the House Without Money or ID.

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Two Paddles Axe and Leatherwork on Unsplash

 

This post was originally published on May 10, 2018, but it may still be relevant today. Of course, if you have transferred all your credit cards and access to cash to your phone, this old-timey post won’t mean much unless you forgot your phone. (Which would be like forgetting your arm.)

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This list was inspired by going to dinner and forgetting to put my wallet in my pocket. Although it sounds impossible, I very seldom need to leave the house (Yes, Mr. Hughes?), so I have lost the natural tendency to check to see if I have everything with me. Lucky for me, none of the consequences materialized.

10 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to pick up the dinner tab. If you do, at best, your partner will have you covered. At worst, you and your guests will experience kitchen cleanliness firsthand. (So you took your boss to dinner, Etu, and he forgot his wallet as well. It is a shame about his new suit and that ketchup accident.)

9 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to buy Tiny, the WWF champ, a drink when he has apparently had too much. If you do, at best, Tiny will forget the offer. At worst, Tiny has been drowning his sorrows at being told no one likes him in his self-esteem seminar. (Notice how his eyes lit up when you offered to pay for his drink, Eustachy? The bartender is waiting for the money, and Tiny’s eyes are beginning to detect you may renege. It might be time to leave fast.)

8 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best, all the traffic patrol officers are in a meeting. At worst, explaining who you are and that you are licensed to driver may have to wait for the judge tomorrow. (You have to admit not being able to post bail has given you a brand new experience, Evans. I think that big guy over in the corner kind of likes you.)

7 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not unload your overstuffed grocery cart on the ten items or less conveyor belt. If you do, at best, the store will be un-crowded. At worst, you will have sixteen construction workers behind you who only have thirty minutes for lunch. (As the clerk calls for the manager, you can detect discontent behind you, Everley. It might be a good idea to sprint for the door while you can still sprint.)

6 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not take a number at the DMV. If you do, at best, you’ll come to your senses before long. At worst, you’ll wait the required number of hours until your number is called only to discover the missing items. (The only person who is happy with you now, Evin, is the person next to be called after you are told to step aside.)

5 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not enter the toll road. If you do, at best, a kindly motorist will pay your toll. At worst, the toll taker will exercise the right to have your car impounded. (No, the tow truck operator will not give you a ride home, Ethan. He will take your vehicle to the impound lot where, if you are lucky, no one will put another on top of yours.)

4 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not go through the drive-through at your favorite fast food restaurant. If you do, at best, you can say you’re sorry and move on. At worst, the store manager has been reprimanded for having high waste numbers and is now dialing the police. (Don’t be concerned with the honking patrons behind you, Eli. The manager is calling a SWAT team, claiming you are holding up the store. Time for a Dukes of Hazard getaway.)

3 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not get on that train to Yuma. If you do, at best, the conductor may miss you. At worst, you might find yourself standing in the middle of the tracks in a place with no name. (Are those vultures circling overhead, Ezra?)

2 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not try to get through the TSA inspection point at the airport. If you do, at best, you’ll be turned away. At worst, a picture of someone who looks like you just came across the international terrorist warning screen, and the guy looking at you wants a promotion. (You might as well put those hands in the air, Elliot. That air marshall doesn’t look like he is kidding with the order.)

1 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not attempt to make a withdrawal from your bank. If you do, at best, the clerk recognizes you. At worst, when asked for ID, you provide some excuse that causes the clerk to hit the silent alarm. (How does the cold marble floor feel, Everett? I think I would follow the suggestion and not move.)

75 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Leave the House Without Money or ID.”

  1. Good tips, John! But I’m sure that something will change in the future. We receive an implemented chip and everything we have to pay (not to say we want to pay;-)) is automatically debited from our bank account. If you want to get a receipt, you have to pay extra money;-) Best wishes, Michael

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Never leave the house without some money in your wallet.. Especially as lately we have had here in England Tills in supermarkets and Banks going down with hacks that have taken their systems off line… So shops have had to shut doors unless you are paying in cash.. 🙂 Banks had to close their doors…

    Lets hope those Electrical storms that Nasa promise may knock out the internet do not happen, or ID’s and cards will be useless. 🙂

    Thank you again John… a most relevant timely repost..
    Especially when I hear in some states over in the USA that photo ID is not requires to vote!!!!… hummmm.. strange that one.. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Given the number of vehicle vs. pedestrian accidents in Connecticut these days John, I carry ID when walking 2 miles to the park and back. Nothing worse than offering to buy Tiny a drink and then not having the money.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Both HUBS and I have been there and done some of those things! Great advice. Whenever one of us leave the house now, the mantra is: Got you keys? Got your phone? Got your wallet?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Not to worry about paying the toll here in Florida. We take a picture of your license plate and send you a bill. Plus a cover fee every single darn month. Oh, yeah. And please feel free to laugh (hysterically) at our new welcome sing: “Welcome to the Free State of Florida.” Such a joke. Explain the free part, governor.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. You know, John, it’s amazing how fast things change. Yes, I suppose a lot of people nowadays put everything on their phone — no wonder they’re glued to it!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. It’s always a forgettable situation when you forget your wallet, and yes, a certain amount of pun was intended. Also, my phone. The last time I left the house without my phone, I felt as if I had just time traveled back to when people weren’t attached to the things.

    Come to think of it, it was pretty nice.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Funny list, John. I am curious how the restaurant handled the situation when you realized you didn’t have your wallet. Hopefully, they trusted you and knew you’d be back to settle up with them.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. That is good advice. I did not know the toll taker has the right to impound your car. That is scary. I try not leave my house without money or ID but I did fly overseas without a valid passport. I was flying from Wisconsin to Sweden and I took my old Swedish cancelled passport with me instead of the old one. When I arrived at the Swedish immigration I explained the situation. The immigration officer said, “typical north Swede, just get in”. People in southern Sweden think north Swedes are a little bit corny, countryside and stupid.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have to remember my stuff is fiction. I have no idea if they can impound your car. I made that up for laughs. How did you get back into the US? Of course, if the time frame was during the Biden years you could just say you are fleeing Southern Swedes and walk in.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha ha OK. I’ll try to keep that mind. Getting into Sweden without a passport was not as hard as I feared, but it probably would not have worked getting back in the US. However, what happened was that my manager (at ABB Robotics in Wisconsin) was coming to Sweden as well, but two weeks later. I asked him to bring my valid passport and told him where in my apartment it was, so he brought it for me.

        I can add that while I was on another work related assignment I snuck into Switzerland and Germany about 20 times illegally, just for fun. There was a hole in the fence between Germany and Switzerland in a city called Konstanz. The Swiss liked to go through the hole to visit the beach that was on the German side. The border guards did not care. So I went through the hole 20 times, back and forth, just because I could, and so that I could brag about it.

        Liked by 1 person

  23. I’ll never forget a friend I’d become suspicious of (that he wasn’t a truth teller) who ran into husby and me and invited us to lunch. When it came time to pay, he didn’t have his credit card! At least the lunch was tasty.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. “that train to Yuma” haha Helpful post that I actually needed a while back after forgetting to take my wallet out of my dance bag before going to the store the following day. 🙄 I’ll never do that again! 🤞🏻

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Oh, this was great advice! Only happened once, ages ago, when we were treating the whole family to dinner at a lovely restaurant. At least we weren’t buying Tiny a drink. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I agree. The reduced need to leave the house has gradually diminished the instinct to check for the wallet, glasses, etc. But I have confidence that politicians and businesses will find ways of taking money from us, whether we have our wallet or no.

    Liked by 1 person

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