Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Rain

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Alex Dukhanov on Unsplash

This post ran on December 15, 2014. It may come in handy since it still rains, and we have time before the big freezes.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Rain

10 If you are in the rain driving your car, do not engage cruise control. If you do, at best,  you may have a spin-out. At worst, your car will continue at a constant rate of speed as you slide off the highway into the old river gorge swollen with rain water and moving at fifty miles an hour.

9 If you are in the rain driving your car, do not cross a puddle of unknown depth, especially if you see the back fin of an unidentified fish. If you do, at best, rescue will come before the car sinks. At worst, you and your car will be the subject of the six o’clock news as the Coast Guard boards your temporary boat and claps you in irons

8 If you are in the rain and don’t have an umbrella, do not hold a paper over your head. If you do, at best, you will end up wet and ink-covered. At worst, you might be mistaken for a person with a paper mache head and have to deal with parents of children who are sure you are from a different planet.

7 If you are in the rain, do not try to run to minimize the effects of the raindrops. If you do, at best, you will simply get wetter faster due to your increased velocity. At worst, running in a downpour has all the makings of a two-reel comedy, especially if you slip and fall into a puddle as you step off the curb. (You know a cellphone camera will catch that underwear flash and all)

6 If you are in the rain and standing with people to get on the bus, do not mention the rain. If you do, at best, those around you will think you are an idiot for discussing the obvious. At worst, you may just be lucky enough to get under an umbrella and then be told to move since you  have made your umbrella mate uncomfortable with your observation of “wow, some rain, huh.”

5 If you are in the rain and carrying anything, do not think you can keep it dry by shoving it under your clothes. If you do, at best, you will have a cold, wet lump next to your skin. At worst, those around you will think you have taken something illegally and turn you in to the police, who decide not to step out of their car in the rain but rather Taser you from inside the vehicle.

4 If you are in the rain, do not try to eat your sandwich on the go. If you do, at best, you will have to eat it too fast to save it from melting. At worst, you will be too slow, and the best part of the sandwich will run down the sleeve of the arm connected to the hand wrapped around the sandwich. This part of the sandwich will only be discovered when you raise your arm to ask a question of the visiting executive from the home office, who will naturally think you rolled in something terrible.

3 If you are in the rain, do not think your dog will perform as they usually do on a walk. If you do, at best, you and the dog will be in for a frustrating experience. At worst, your dog will associate rain with your disappointment and may want to help by leaving a surprise at the door before walking if it is raining outside to show you there is no need for the walk.

2 If you are in the rain and you have a flat tire, do not try to change it yourself. If you do, at best, you will be soaking wet and dirty. At worst, you might just be part of a freak accident where the car slips off the jack and rolls down an embankment, only to become airborne until it lands on a person’s roof below and stops in their living room. (While they are watching the six o’clock news about an earthquake in Asia) Okay, I’ll admit it’s not realistic, but it could happen. Why take the chance?

1 If you are in the rain, do not remove your shoes to prevent your Italian leathers from getting wet. If you do, at best, you will only step on some stranger’s gum. At worst, you may step into a puddle that, if you had your shoes on, you would have tried to avoid, only to discover someone let their pet piranhas loose for a run down the street without their leashes. The sad part is the piranhas were let loose before their tapir dinner.

 

80 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Rain”

  1. These had me laughing, John. I just had a picture in my mind of eating a soggy sandwich, with sopping wet paper over my head, while chatting to people next to me in the bus queue about the rain and getting filthy looks!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. We had some much-needed rain yesterday. Thank goodness we found the dusty umbrellas. Loved your list, John. Brilliant! 🤣

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Good work in the worst case scenario department today, John. When I lived in Seattle (of all places) I had a dog who did not like to go out in the rain. I had to carry an umbrella over her to get her to do her business outside.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. After days and weeks of no rain, it finally came this weekend: torentially. Your list suddenly seems far more appropriate than it would have a week ago, and a little too on point for comfort in some respects. (That lump under my clothes is my camera.)

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Timely advice, John, as it’s raining here right now (and probably will for the next couple of days). No. 3 had me agreeing wholeheartedly. You know that every dog knows when its owner is in a hurry for it to do its business … and thus does its best to dawdle!

    Liked by 3 people

  15. #1 made me laugh. Years ago, our very proper company attorney was heading out to her car when she realized it was a downpour. She removed her shoes, and I gasped! Her toenails were painted this very vivid shade of blue. The heck with what she was going to be stepping on as she ran to her car–our attorney had blue toenail polish on! Floored me. The image you get of certain people…🙄

    Liked by 2 people

  18. It’s ironic that you’re posting this today, a day with a spot of rain mixed with tiny flakes of snow here in the Mile High. It rains so infrequently, I have to remind myself all the things not to do in the rain. And today, staying warm was at the top of the list! 😊

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It was definitely a shock to the system, that’s for sure! I think the forecast calls for more snow later this week. It’s that time of year so I shouldn’t be surprised. The first storm is late and the 27 flakes that fell today really don’t count. 😉

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  22. Funny list. I especially could relate to the challenges of walking a dog in the rain. They seem to go at a snail’s pace then.

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  27. What? Humans haven’t solved “rain” yet?

    I hypervent because we have made a business of screwing up everything fun, such as getting wet in the rain. While I do understand that rain and cold weather may not be the most comfortable and your list makes eminent sense in such, the ideology has rubbed off on the hot-weather lands too. In our childhood, rain was fun. Children could get wet in the rain and adults did not worry about them getting killed, or catching a cold, while doing so. But alas, since then, we have become developed…

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