Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

~ John W. Howell

 

Photo by Alysa Bajenaru on Unsplash

This post was written on December 29th, 2015. Since we are facing another New Year’s Eve, I thought it was worth repeating. I hope you enjoy it.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for alcohol consumption. If you do, at best, your evening will close early. At worst, New Year’s Day will represent your personal purgatory, just begging for relief. (Getting off your knees might be the first step to redemption)

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best, you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to be among one of the many failures for the year. (Now you need to be talked down off the ledge)

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your goodwill to humankind feeling leftover from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone you meet. If you do, at best, most will try to dodge your advances. At worst, there will be one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life. (Now you have someone stalking you for months despite the restraining order)

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best, your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it. (Yes, it is two in the morning, and that’s you calling trains into the ceramic microphone)

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best, you will still draw the same looks you got for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who think you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine. (Better find some kibble fast)

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best, your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to a strong allergy to Everclear and, if not an allergy, certainly a diminished capability for strong drink. (hint: green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best, you may have selected a place that has some negative memories. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best destination. (It might be the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other)

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, you could cause a significant upset to the person you are ordinarily ambivalent about. (How was that first dose of pepper spray?)

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best, some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise, and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. (Oh, though you would like to know, the video on U Tube has gone viral)

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you must stay up past a reasonable hour to see in the New Year. If you do, at best, the next day’s activities will be a challenge. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle, not to mention nodding off at your mother-in-law’s New Year’s Day family gathering. (The pool of drool on the damask fabric of the antique couch will be your mark forever)

59 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.”

  2. Being overly romantic never worked for me but being underly (my word) romantic never did either, so I settled just right. As 38 Special once opined, hold on loosely but don’t let go.

    I was extremely dubious about the green monster punch and then you mentioned Everclear and I knew I was right to be extremely dubious. Yikes!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. hahaha, I get off easy on this list. When I was a bartender, if I didn’t have to work it, I did not go out in it. Too many people trying very hard to ‘have it all’ in a very short period of time!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Well here we are again. On the brink of “bad decisions.” I must remind myself that my children and their children are watching grandpa. So I shall behave myself and just try to be the adult in the room -HA HA.

    I’ve printed out your list and will pin it up for the amateurs to see.

    Have a cocktail and a flute with me. Have a fun time. HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Wise suggestions, John. I can’t remember the last time we stayed up to welcome in the New Year! We do the appropriate drinking and then nod off in our bed!

    Happy New Year to you, your wife and of course, the girls!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Certainly not planning on breaking any alcohol consumption records. I’ll probably stick with the usual one cocktail or beer. For a big guy, I’ve never been able to drink a lot. Happy New Year, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. As always, another superb list of things to not do. I’ve come to the conclusion resolutions at New Year’s is a list of things you’ll forget in the first week. 🤣 Best wishes to you and the fur-kids for a wagnificent 2025.

    Liked by 1 person

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