This post was initially co-authored by Marie Bailey and me in 2014. Since we all still grocery shop, it might still be helpful.
10 When grocery shopping, do not go to the store on an empty stomach. If you do, at best, you will quiet your grumbling stomach with a candy bar or two while waiting in the check-out line. At worst, you will wind up devouring the entire rotisserie chicken that was to be your family’s dinner, guzzling a 64-oz bottle of Coke, and tearing into your kid’s favorite cereal, all before you reach the checkout.
9 When grocery shopping, do not assume that the shortest check-out line is indeed the quickest check-out line. If you do, at best, the person ahead of you with five items will want to use a personal check to pay, and you’ll only have to wait an additional ten minutes while the cashier and store manager figure out a way to finally approve the check. At worst, the person ahead of you with only nine items will question the cashier on each and every item (naturally, all the items were supposed to be on sale, including the ten-gallon water jug, which looks like it came from the employee break area).
8 When grocery shopping, do not assume that all the sale items, especially the 2-for-1 deals, have been entered into the registers. If you do, at best, the cashier will take a few minutes to correct the error. At worst, you’ll be like the guy in #9, having to argue about each item on sale and drawing the ire and ill-will of every other shopper behind you.
7 When grocery shopping, do not assume that your regular grocery store will always and forever maintain the floor layout to which you’ve grown accustomed. If you do, at best, your store might make only subtle changes like moving the eggs from beside the butter to beside the yogurt, but on the same aisle. At worst, one day, you will walk in and become quickly convinced that you’re in the wrong store. You will spend hours trying to find the raisins, which used to be on Aisle 3 among other dried fruits but are now on Aisle 36 next to the juice with the logic that fruit is fruit.
6 When grocery shopping, do not forget to wear noise-reducing earplugs. If you forget your earplugs, at best, you will simply slow your pace and linger longer than planned due to the hypnotic effect of the “music.” At worst, the subliminal messages of “buy more, buy more, buy more” will enter your brain, and you will wind up buying twice as much food as you originally intended, leaving your wallet half as full.
5 When grocery shopping, do not think that by leaving your credit cards and checkbook at home, you can avoid spending over your budget. If you do, at best, the subliminal messages from #6 will cause you some mild embarrassment as you decide to forfeit the bottle of Merlot, Death-by-Chocolate cake, and fancy new plastic wine glasses (all items NOT on your shopping list) because you don’t have enough cash. At worst, either to avoid embarrassment or because you are still prey to the messages of “buy more,” you will leave your items at the register, dash to the ATM, withdraw as much as you can, and then promptly ask for a case of the Merlot (which you may need later when you realize how much you have spent).
4 When grocery shopping, do not think the fresh fruit being offered as a 2-for-1 special is necessarily a great deal. If you do, at best, the fruit will be fine and edible until the following day, when you realize you will have to eat all of it since it is quickly going bad. At worst, after you come home and put all the food away, you decide to have some strawberries and cream only to discover that the 2-for-1 fresh fruit has one layer of fresh fruit atop moldy, squishy fruit, which moves on its own.
3 When grocery shopping, do not think that the baggers are always well-trained. If you do, at best, you will have a bagger who knows enough to put the eggs on top of other items in a bag. At worst, you will get a bagger who either wasn’t trained or doesn’t care and find at home that a large bottle of laundry detergent was packed on top of your package of sushi rolls, which now resemble sushi pancakes.
2 When grocery shopping, do not think that slowly walking down the middle of an aisle with your head down while talking on your cell phone will not annoy anyone. If you do, at best, shoppers trying to get around you may just gently prod your shopping cart and alert you to the need to get out of the way. At worst, you may find yourself pinned between your shopping cart and the cart of the person or persons who finally lost their temper and are now sending you, shopping cart and all, into the egg section.
1 When grocery shopping, do not think being polite to shoppers on cell phones who are oblivious to their surroundings will help you keep your temper. If you do, at best, you will quickly realize that navigating around these people is futile. At worst, you will lose your temper, causing you to crash into the offending shopper with your cart, and the momentum will send you both into the egg section. As with automobile rear-end accidents, you will be the assumed guilty party and the store will charge you for the broken eggs as well as force you to clean up on aisle 6.
Fiction Favorites 
#9 is great advice. I’ve fallen for that trap many times
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We all have, I think.
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Geez John, I just went shopping yesterday. I could have used this list!
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Well, next time, it may be handy.
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haha! Hilarious! and so true. Every darn one of these. 😂😂
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Thanks, Lois. So glad you liked them.
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#7 – grrrrr. I’ve lost count of how many times my regular store has rearranged the aisles in the past six months. At this point, I expect everything to be in a different location weekly. And unless you have small children who tend to grab things off the shelves, quit parking your cart in the middle of the aisle. As you can tell, this is a touchy subject for me, John, lol.
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The Producer’s pet peeve is the store reset.
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I do the shopping and can attest to all of these but especially 7 and 3.
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My favorites.
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Boy, you nailed this one, John. I’ve pretty much experienced all of them. I might add, if you are shopping with a young child in your cart, do not let them get within an arm’s reach of food in glass containers!
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Good one, Noelle. 😊
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I learned the hard way.
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I’ll bet. I can see that jar of spaghetti sauce making a lovely pattern on the floor in aisle 6.
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It was several jars of baby food. We somehow missed the spaghetti sauce!
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Ah. Just as messy, though.
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You forgot a doozie. The little old lady who pays with CASH. And she has to dig out some bills from her purse then she gets out her little coin purse to count the exact change to the penny ! You are tempted to just — well never mind.
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Tempted to blow her head off, you mean?
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Yep, that too 😇😇😇
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Ha haha
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Of course and don’t go hungry unless you’re at Costco and make the samples your lunch. My mother still goes at least 3 days a week. 👀
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Good advice, Cindy.
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💕
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😊
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Great list of advice, John. Number nine is sure wise, even though I usually go through the self-check-out.
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Thank you, Tim. Glad you liked it.
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😊
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😊
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#7 is a definite – over and over. Why? I don’t know the answer. Good tips, John! I always regret going to the store hungry. 🙂
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Number seven is The Producer’s pet peeve. Thanks, Jan.
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Soooo true! #9 is one I am constantly wrestling with. It’s so frustrating to have to conduct weekly grocery runs like I’m participating in a cotton-pickin scavenger hunt! Grrr. This happened just yesterday and added nearly 20 minutes to my visit to find the chai that I like. I can never just do a quick in-out visit anymore. Unless I’m buying bananas…until they get so high priced with tariff increases-then I won’t have to worry about finding them. I think bananas are the only item that is always in the same spot! They even move around where the tomatoes are in the produce department. Are you kidding me?! 😆
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Err, make that #7, not #9 which has its own set of luggage in aggravation when grocery shopping. 😉
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I knew what you meant. 😊
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You’re always so gracious, John. Thanks.
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😊
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I have been banned from the grocery store, but I can tell you that number seven is the Producer’s pet peeve.
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It sends me into bloody orbit! 🚀
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I can imagine. I can feel the radiation from here.
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Number 3 gets me each and every time. Don’t put the fresh spinach at the bottom!
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Ha ha ha. It should be a rule.
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You are spot on about most of these tips, John. The ‘shortest’ checkout line–I almost pick the longest anymore because that usually works out. Same with fee lanes on toll roads.
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I think yours is a good strategy, Jacqui.
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Thanks for the laughs. When the store reboots and redistributes everything in new aisles I am lost for months! Because fruit is fruit! Exactly.
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I agree with you, Rebecca. Seems like a major disruption.
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Such a fine list, my friend. Having just endured the grocery-shopping experience yesterday, I realize I should’ve had your list with me. Next time, okay?
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Such a fine list, my friend. Having just endured the grocery-shopping experience yesterday, I realize I should’ve had your list with me. Next time, okay?
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Next time is not too long from now I’m sure. 😊
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all are a reminder, they’re out to get you, (or your money more like, ). I now shop via a Tesco app, (disclaimer #other stores are available) and temptations than my list are unseen. Phew !!! 💫😉💫
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Hilarious, John. I’m surprised someone hasn’t included these scenes in their novel. 😊 At least at Costco, if you shop as soon as the doors open and if you survive the final bill, you can emerge in one piece. 🤣
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Ha ha ha. I can see you lining up for the door opening. Our Costco used to let seniors in an hour early. No more, though. I’ll bet the extra labor cost wasn’t worth the return. Thanks, Gwen. 😀
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I think I’ve been in every situation here – wise words, John. We need to bear these tips in mind during every shopping trip!
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Yes, indeed, and if we can’t bear them in mind, we should bear them in a pocket or purse. 😀
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Yeah that’s some valuable advice as per the empty stomach. It’s amazing all the crap I can buy if I go while I’m hungry. Thankfully, I learned the lesson. But the lines . . I have spotty success when it comes to the lines.
And umm, they still have baggers?
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Yes, we have baggers here in Texas. Mostly physically challenged workers
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I don’t remember the last time I had a bagger.
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I hear you.
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Yes, take your credit card. I’m sure the starting gun is about to go off for buying up all the toilet paper again.
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Ha ha ha
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About #1 : You think of yourself as a nice person until you end up behind someone walking slowly down the lane while talking on the phone. Then you will find out that you are not a nice person after all. And #9 : that lady paying with the pennies she saved in her penny box and also wanting to talk to the manager about the prices of lots of items, she will really clog your lane. This is also how you discover that you are not actually a nice person after all.
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🤣 Great, Thomas.
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When I used to go to the grocery store after work, I reminded myself I was no longer on duty and wasn’t in charge of discipline. 🤣
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Good move, Pete.
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#7 is the one that gets me. I hate having my time wasted for no good reason.
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I still don’t know why stores do all that rearranging. Big mystery.
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Just went to the store today, and all of these are so relevant!
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I guess things haven’t changed in 10 years.
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Funny stuff, John! 👍🏻 #3 – my first job at the age of 14 was as a bagger (Courtesy Clerk) and you’re right… the training I received is passé.
.
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I like the term Courtesy Clerk. It has a gentle ring to it. 😀
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I agree. We had to wear black slacks and long sleeve white button up shirts. In the summertime! The carts were collected with pure strength, not a machine. 😅 Thanks, John.
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Arm and thigh strength builders.
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It was that! And they paid me $3.35 an hour. 😄
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A fortune. 😀
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🤑🤑🤑
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Ha haha
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My pet peeve is the “person” who stands there watching the cashier put through every item. Smiling all the time. Then when it comes time to pay, that “person” is surprised that money is needed. (And they always look surprised!) She then goes on a day-long hunt in her purse to find her wallet. God forbid she stand there with wallet in hand, ready to rock ‘n roll the second the total amount is tendered.
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Happens in every line. Another one pulls out a checkbook and asks to borrow a pen and a pair of reading glasses.
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Oh, John, so much on this list is still true!! Even my favorite small grocery store has a tendency to move things around. About #3: have you ever shopped at a Trader Joe’s? I don’t know if this would be true for all the stores, but at the one we have in Tallahassee, the baggers are practically artists in how they quickly but properly bag our groceries. At most other grocery stores, I’ll do my own bagging because i don’t trust anyone 😉 At Trader Joe’s, I just stand back and watch the experts at work 🙂
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We love Trader Joe’s too.
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So true! I never seem to pick the fastest checkout line. Thanks for the laughs, John.
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Glad you had some laughs, Jennie 😀
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Me, too!
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😊
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I am worried this grocery store fun may not last many more years, with e-commerce and q-commerce eating into their business.
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Yes their may be no reason to leave home.
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