This post ran in 2014 and my last visit to the DMV validated that the information is still useful. My thanks to Marie Ann Bailey who co-authored this post back then.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Spending Time in the DMV
10 When spending time in the DMV, do not show any sign of impatience. If you do, at best, the clerks will slow service just to see you sweat. At worst, you will need a defibrillator to restart your heart after you go apoplectic from missing your turn because you forgot to take a number.
9 When spending time in the DMV, make sure all your paperwork is complete before your number is called. If you don’t, at best, the clerks will have a good laugh sending you back to the end of the queue. At worst, you will be tempted to say something like “Really?” in a heavily sarcastic voice which will result in you being banned from the DMV for the day.
8 When spending time in the DMV, make certain you do not leave the room until your number is called. If you do, at best, your number will be called the second you leave and you’ll rush back in time. At worst, your number will be called and then the next person served. You will need to wait until your number comes up again in a week.
7 When spending time in the DMV, be careful on what and how much you drink. If you don’t, at best, you will experience number eight while visiting the restroom. At worst, you will try to gut it out and the clerks will be able to tell you are in a dire situation and prolong your agony along the lines of number ten.
6 When spending time in the DMV, do not arrive during the hours of eleven and two. If you do, at best, you will be subject to the lunch hour slowdown and have a longer wait. At worst, you will be caught in a never-ending situation with only one clerk at a time working while the rest go out for drinks and to celebrate the hundredth slow down heart attack of the month.
5 When spending time in the DMV, make sure you bring something to read other than your phone, kindle or tablet. If you don’t, at best, you will be forced to ask your neighbor for something to read since the DMV is a digital dead zone. At worst, you will be forced to watch the slowly moving clerks for hours on end who appear to be sharing the same “look at this” joke and working two and three together on one problem.
4 When spending time in the DMV, do not make eye contact with any humans in the room. If you do, at best, you will be asked to help with someone’s paperwork. At worst, you’ll have to hear some sad story of why this person needs to get back to work to support the sick family and a request to trade places which you will find hard to turn down.
3 When spending time in the DMV, do not talk to any human beings in the room. If you do, at best, you will need to endure the endless complaining on the slowness of the system. At worst, you may find yourself in the company of someone who is getting ready to crack under the DMV waiting pressure.
2 When spending time in the DMV, do not dress in your finest. If you do, at best, you will be subject to endless requests for “just a dollar so I can get my license.” At worst, you might be asked to hand over all your money by a serious looking gent who swears he has a gun in his pocket.
1 When spending time in the DMV, do not attempt to numb your pain with any kind of substance, controlled or otherwise. If you do, at best, you might fall asleep and miss the call of your number. At worst, you might end up on the six and eleven o’clock news leading a riot in the DMV which seemed like a good idea at the time you were leading it.
Fiction Favorites 
WOW! What a great car, dear John.
We wish you an easy week
The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
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Thank you, Klausbernd. Wishing the F4oC the same easy week. 😀
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Number 2 has a corollary. If you really want to make your car less attractive to thieves, don’t detail it on a weekly basis, and let those grocery cart dings stay unrepaired.
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Don’t forget to write “wash me” in the dust. Thank you, Linda.
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Wise words once again, John.
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You are very kind, Esther. Thank you
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I don’t have to go until next year, but I will keep ALL of these in mind!
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I have to go in 2028, and I’m getting PDSD (Pre DMV Stress Disorder) already.
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haha, I wondered what I was suffering from!!
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Voo Doo Rangers are a perfect treatment.
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These are all still valid, John. CT switched to an appointment system after Covid. A friend had a 10:30 appointment and finally got to a clerk at 1:10. They have perfected the art of delay.
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There should be a sign in the DMV that says “Delay Are Us.” Thanks, Dan. 😀
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Read and heed, people!
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Amen
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I’ve heard nightmare stories recently about DMV appointments, John. Seems like all the above still apply.
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I think you are right, Teri. 😀
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We use the drive-thru which is kind of fun when two cars arrive at the same time and each is gunning their engine as if to say, “I was here first.” We are so grown up…🙄
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Too bad there is no double-elimination road race around the place.
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Couldn’t you picture it–racing around the place and a cop pulls you over and asks to see your license. You laugh and say, “Oh, Officer–it’s kind of a funny story….”
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“Yes, sir, I’m sure it is, but for now, would you please step out of the car and put your hands behind you?”
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I got lucky. They opened a pop-up DMV on my campus to encourage us all to upgrade to real-ID. There was nobody there when I went. Then they cancelled my field trip this year, so I didn’t need to get on a plane anyway.
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That pop-up sounds handy. When I lived on the coast, there was a small DMV and tax collection office in town. Never a wait, and you got to chat with the personnel .
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Ugh. Reminds me that I have to go to get a new Enhanced License.
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Ugh is right.
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I went through this last summer. They gave us an approximate time I would be called, which allowed us to go out to lunch, but still had a long wait time when we got back. They’re trying out an automated system now.
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So many sories like this.
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stories
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they do their best to slow you down for sure.. but I made BFF’s with mine which worked like a charm renewing my passport last month… yay1 🙌🏽
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That is a good approach for sure. Thanks, Cindy
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I’m glad you approve John! You’re so welcome!
💕
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😊
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Lol! Visiting the DMV is definitely a trial. Having all the paperwork ahead of time is definitely a must. And now, in Texas, you must take with you an original birth certificate. Really? After all these years?
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I didn’t know that. I thought that was to vote.
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Too clever and too true! The DMV…the great equalizer in human misery since everyone is treated equally bad. I renewed last autumn via mail-it was much easier. And bonus-they used the previous and much younger crummy photo. LOL
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I did the same here and was glad to see my chin again.
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LOL. More chin, less grey hair…can’t go wrong there!
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And even more hair, grey or not.
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🤣 🤣 🤣
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😀
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I’ve always thought of DMV as a taste of what the waiting room into Hell would be like.
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A perfect thought, William. 🤣
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Noted John.. we have the NCT here which is the annual check on all cars… the same applies. hugsx
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You can feel our pain then. 😀
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John, unless you have lived in Washington, DC or it’s suburbs, you may not know DMV is also shorthand for District, Maryland and Virginia. If you watched or read any of the details about the Parade (alleged to celebrate the Army’s 250th birthday or as many believe to celebrate Trump’s 79th birthday), you will find that many of these items could also apply to that extravaganza from road blockages, National Airport no-fly hours to people exiting the enclosed area check points while others were trying to enter- and we are not even getting to how much this will cost to set-up, run, and then clean-up and repair.
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Always costly events like this. I wonder what the clean-up bill for No Kings demonstrations amounted to.
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Fair comment. I would be surprised if trash pickup is as expensive as multiple road repairs plus trash pickup, plus cost of transporting all of the tanks, planes, vehicles, and troops. I know that a lot of the historical uniforms and the Army Band came from Ft Myer just across the Potomac.
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I’m sure the parade cost more per participant, but maybe not in total.
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Haha, a great post, John. It is the same here.
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I think it is a common pain for all humans. Thanks, Robbie.
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It’s for sure a dreadful experience, and I don’t imagine the employees love it any more than we do. And have you heard they’re making a comedy show for TV this fall all about the DMV?? Who wants to sit through that, I ask you?!?
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I can’t imagine laughing at something so horrible.
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In the animation Zootopia, the DMV clerks were literal sloths. I think that is based on a true story.
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Ha ha ha. I’ll bet it is true.
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Yup, all still true!
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Ha ha ha.
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DMV in Dallas, Texas is a nightmare. At least it was the last time I visited DMV in person (which I admit was a while ago). I started queuing at 5:00AM and it was already a long line as if it was a rock concert. It took eight hours before I got inside and got a number and the people arriving during the day were never able to get an appointment. It was a hot day, and you were not allowed to leave the line and once you had a number you were not allowed to leave for lunch. They would not let you back in even if you had your number. For the similar agency in Sweden, it took 5 minutes. In and out. I believe they are/were severely understaffed here in Texas.
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They all take the DMV motto seriously. “No one served before their time.”
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LOL that is true
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😊
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Never under any circumstances should you show up at the DMV without your industrial strength Depends🐳
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🤣 Good one, Jim.
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John, I know that your dream has always been to write, even when you were managing challenging executive types like me. You have achieved that dream, excelled in your pursuit, and received well-deserved recognition for it. Congratulations, my friend! 🐳
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Aw. Thank you, Jim. A lovely thing to say. Still more to do.
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Good advice in your tips, John. Like everything associated with government, the DMV has changed a lot. I remember the days when I stopped in to take care of something and it was completed in less than a half hour.
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I have a good memory, but don’t recall that. Of course, I always lived in bigger cities, so the DMVs were always crowded
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In 2008, when I got the last new vehicle I bought, a Chevy pickup, I was able to transfer the plates from my former pickup to the new one during lunch hour and still had time to eat.
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Amazing.
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Hilarious, John. I was at the DMV last week. What a scene – long lines, babies crying, people complaining, and even a rare smile from a stranger. Yep, lots of humanity for an early morning. 🌞 Your list is perfect.
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Oh, you poor dear. It is like a third-world waiting room at the DMV. Glad you survived 😊
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The DMV has gotten slightly more effiicient in the last few years, but it’s till a tough call between going in or having a root canal.
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Ha ha ha. Good one, Pete
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If I never stepped foot in a DMV again, I would still have wasted five years of my life in a DMV.
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That is so true. 😀
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👍
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Ha, ha! #4 happened to me:(
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Very troubling for sure. Thanks, Becky.
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Yes!
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So funny, and unfortunately quite true.
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Yes, very true. Thanks, Jennie.
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Sigh! You’re welcome, John.
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😊
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This is really petty and nick-picky, and totally off subject, but a defibrillator briefly stops the heart muscle to allow it to reset and start beating again in a regular pattern.
Other than that, all the advice is spot on … as usual.
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Instead of restart I should have said reset. Good point. Misleading the thousands of people who follow this blog faithfully would be a disservice to them for sure.
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Instead of restart, I should have said reset. That’s a good point. Misleading the thousands of people who follow this blog faithfully would be a disservice to them, for sure.
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DMV of the US has done a great job of selling the superiority of the ticket-number based customer servicing concept to government departments in other markets, like India. Have experienced nearly all from 1 thru 10 in my several visits to the local GPO (General Post Office). And the system works. Service is slower and more unpredictable than ever before.
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We are pleased to advance the fine art of dysfunction wherever we can. Glad you appreciate it, Ankur, and you are welcome. 😊
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