Photo by Paolo Chiabrando on Unsplash
This list was posted in October 2013 and authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since many people are trying to get published, it may be useful today.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published
10 When trying to get published, do not send a query letter to a publisher with the opening phrase “You probably have never heard of me, but that will change.” The publisher will no doubt get a big laugh, and your query will get a direct pitch into the trash can with the words, “Want to bet,” on the publisher’s lips.
9 When trying to get published, do not use cute gimmicks in your query letter to get the publisher’s attention. They will not appreciate whatever you send along with the letter, and may charge you for the cleanup later. This includes: glitter hearts, artificial snow, two tickets to the Bruins hockey game, a six-pack of beer, sand from your beach story, or anything else not on paper.
8 When trying to get published, do not think a personal phone call to the publisher will make a difference. You will only risk sounding like an idiot, even though you have thoroughly rehearsed your pitch. If you happen to find someone to talk to, being able to locate your query letter to receive the feedback you need may put you on hold permanently.
7 When trying to get published, do not, under any circumstances, show up at the publisher’s place of business in person. The publisher will be extremely embarrassed since they will have no idea what to do with you. Your query might just be placed in your back pocket as you are shown the exit into the alley.
6 When trying to get published, do not tell the publisher in your query letter that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them. The only thing that may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is the one second it takes for the publisher to pitch your query into the wastebasket with the words, “I’ll take that chance.”
5 When trying to get published, do not try to build rapport with the publisher with words like, “If I were in your shoes, I would be looking for a talented writer and by golly, I just happen to know one.” The publisher will have a nice laugh at your expense and will probably use your query in the next seminar on How Not to Query. Of course, he will be paid an enormous fee, and you will get…well…nothing.
4 When trying to get published, do not send a query letter before you have your fiction manuscript finished. Unless you are Stephen King, there is no publisher in business today who will jump at the chance to publish your story if it is still in the concept stage. Describing in detail what might be will probably get you a response of what actually is happening, a flat “no.”
3 When trying to get published, do not assume you have only writing in mind. The publisher will want you to carry most of the marketing work on your shoulders. Your query letter should stay away from self-descriptive words and phrases like: artist, literary principles, clean hands, introvert, higher calling, too good for others, filthy capitalism, save trees activist, reclusive researcher, and only want to write.
2 When trying to get published, do not admit you are only in this for the money even if you are. There may be a time when the publisher contacts you in response to your query. This is not the time to start pressing the publisher for a compact timetable because you need the money. Like banks do not lend money to people who need it, publishers know there is little money for authors and will pass on you for another, more motivated by non-monetary reasons.
1 When trying to get published, do not give up. There are a million potential reasons to keep sending queries, and who knows, your manuscript just might be the next million-copy seller.
Eternal Road – The final stop is on sale beginning today until July 14th. Here is the link. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08GL135KQ
The first book in the Eternal Road series has James and Sam battling Lucifer to save mankind.
Fiction Favorites 
This hilarious post reminded me of all those query letters we sent out in the beginning. We still have some of the rejection letters around here somewhere…
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The one I loved was the “just doesn’t fit with our current projects” when research shows it was dead on with current projects.
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We had several that said Bad Moon was strong and well written, but they didn’t know what to do with it!
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I loved Bad Moon and would have just labelled it a psychological horror story.
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I have wanted to promote Bad Moon again for ages, as I know I didn’t do it justice before…
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Dear John
You made us laugh out loud.
Thanks a lot
The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
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Laughing out loud is good for the heart. Thanks for letting me know, F4oC
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hahaha, loved this! If and/or when I ever get published, I’ll come back and read this again!!
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If you get published, you won’t need it. 🤣
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haha, yes, I suppose you’re right!
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😊
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I’ll keep No. 1 in mind, but I think I’ll stick to self-publishing. I get enough snark from beta readers 😉
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I think you are wise.
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Lol! All true. I gave up contacting publishers a long time ago, and self-publish instead.
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Me too. My first book was traditionally published, but that was a major hassle, so I also went the self-publishing route.
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Are query letters even a thing these days?
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They still are.
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Good tips, John.
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Thank you, Tim.
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Love this list! John 👍🏻🤝 Hilariously honest and packed with truth bombs for aspiring writers!
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Thank you, Srikanth. So glad you enjoyed it.
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While there is a lot of funny here, number one is most important! Look at you, after all!
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Thank you, Dale. 😀
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You know it! 😄
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😊
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Excellent advice for keeping a level head when trying to get published.
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Hopefully, it cuts down on the pills and booze.
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That, too!
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😊
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Sage advice all the way through! Sharing the Eternal Road sale!!
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Thank you, Jan. 😊
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The link you posted for the sale doesn’t work, John. You need to check it.
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Thanks, Jan. All fixed. I appreciate you checking. There was a period in the link that didn’t belong.
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Sadly, those who need to read and heed the most are among the least likely to do so.
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Yes, indeed.
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I love the publisher quips as the manuscript gets tossed in the trash. Couldn’t you see these on a short video?! 😂 Of course, this is coming from a non-writer. 😬
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I think it would be funny, Lois.
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Great list and reminders, John. And, as always, you’ve elicited plenty of chuckles. Have a great week, with plenty of laughter! 😄
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Thank you, Gwen. Wishing you laughter as well.
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All pretty good reasons why I never approached a publisher for my first four books – too discouraging! But your last one if the best – keep on trucking!
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Yes. Trucking is important.
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Loads of giggles as I read through the list. Bravo on creating such a fun post for today. Happy Monday, John.
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I’m glad the giggles were in there, Monika.
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I guess you can say with a one sentence summary; use common sense and don’t try to show-off.
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Yes, indeed.
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Lots of good ones here and the best and most important to never give up, John! 💕
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Yes, I think this is the most important. Thanks, Cindy.
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Indeed!! You’re most welcome, John! 🩷
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😀
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You know the rules inside and out Boss, 😉
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Yes. Played the game long enough to know.
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You da man.
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Thanks, Pilgrim.
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Those are all solid, John. I hope everyone reads this.
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Ha ha ha. Thanks, Jacqui.
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Love number 1 and as for number 7, I’d love a reason to go to NYC not that one needs a reason.
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I love NYC. You’re right; who needs a reason to go?
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Right! Funny… I’m wearing a New York City t-shirt right now. 🍎
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I lived in the metro area for five years (Connecticut) and loved every minute.
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Wonderful John! A talented storyteller you are with many stories to tell, from many places. 😊
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Thanks, Michele. 😊
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😊
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It would be fun to read about the most ridiculous things publishers and agents have heard from aspiring authors seeking publication.
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That would be terrific.
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These are all great, John, and #5 made me laugh. This should be wide spread for all aspiring writers to read.
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Thank you, Lauren. 😀
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I laughed so hard, John! And of course #1 was a perfect ending. BTW, the children’s book industry is worse than brutal, but I’m the glass-half-full.
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I cannot imagine how tough the kids book market is.
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Yup!
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Sadly, I’ve heard of people doing most of these. They never work.
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No, they don’t.
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Ugh, the marketing. These are all so true, though, John. Fortunately, I never expect to make much from my books. By now, I know better. 🙂
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When you expect nothing, there is no disappointment. Keeping expectations in check is key.
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You can only be pleasantly surprised.
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Yes
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[…] Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published […]
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Thanks for sharing.
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In the good old days I believe one could “believe” for a few weeks before the rejection letter wafted in through snail mail. With email and website submissions in vogue now, the period of “belief” has been brutally curtailed 😦
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Yes. We may refer to it as the short belief period. 😀
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When trying to get published, did not send a query letter to a publisher. Send it to a literary agent.
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Great advice.
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Also, proofread your query letter. Unlike what I did in the above comment.
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I had a one-on-one meeting with an agent, and she looked at me and said, “We just don’t know what to do with your book.” I wanted to say, “Go pitch it to Hachette.” She showed me the coal cute slide instead.
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For my first book, I had a big-time agent. Really big. A gentleman through and through. He taught me a lot. He handled Tom Clancy, Deepak Chopra, Dean Koontz, and Mark Greaney, among about a million others. It was so cool to see my name in his client list, surrounded by people like that.
Even though we have parted ways, he paid for a big marketing splash for the 10th anniversary of my book Redemption: The Further Adventures of Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer.
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Wow. Sounds like a terrific guy.
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Thank you for encouraging list, dear John. I’m afraid that the gun is the most effective query nowadays. “Publish or I shoot” is the best self-marketing.😂🍤🍤🍤🍻
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Ha ha ha. I think you may have something there.
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😎😎😎 Sure!)))
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Ha ha ha
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