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This post ran in 2020 but I think it is still good advice for now.
Top Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store
10 If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class on the principle of wasting money. (Nice job, Jerren. All those necessities determined by you are now waiting with you in line while that person ahead of you pays their water bill in pennies.)
9 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to make substitutions of items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that just doesn’t make sense. (Just when do pork rinds take the place of saltines, Jasen. The fact that you like them better will not help you.)
8 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on listening and memory enhancement. (So, you had the coupons in your pocket, Javan. We all know the out of sight out of mind principle, but you would think the risk of life might offset it)
7 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high ever for the same items ( That will not be a good thing, Jayce. It’s going to be a long time till the $8.00 a pound grapes are forgotten.)
6 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and its effect on the environment. (You have to remember, Jaye. Those cloth bags were an investment in the children’s futures. What is wrong with you? Don’t you care about the future?)
5 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, the manager will call your spouse and request a lifting of your shopping privileges. (Imagine the humiliation, Jayron. This one is not going to go away. It has the half-life of a thousand years.)
4 If you are asked to shop do not think, you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, creating a puddle of mayonnaise paired with orange juice, pickles, and Black Butte Porter. (No, Jayvee. You cannot go back into the store and ask for a refund. You bought it, you own it.)
3 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (I have to admit, Jazmina the beef jerky did look good. That hickory-smoked variety looked especially delicious. No, I don’t want to buy it from you.)
2 If you are asked to shop, do not take Tiny the WWF champ with you. If you do, at best you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, Tiny will insist you host a poker game this week, and require you to buy all the snacks and beer. (Explaining what happened, Jedi might be a best selling novel. Also telling Tiny no, especially after he has skipped his self-image group session might get you a free helicopter ride.)
1 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best, you will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (That big box of chocolate marshmallow Trix might be difficult to explain, Jedrik. I certainly hope you enjoy it.)
Fiction Favorites 
I had to laugh reading this, John. I have always been the shopper in our family, but since being incapacitated, I get to order the shopping online, but woe betide if I change, or forget anything!
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We tried the online method, but it seems we get all the expired items in the store.
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ooops! that wouldn’t do at all!
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Nope.
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Pork rind subbing for Saltines is perfectly acceptable in my book. Hell, I’ve substituted pizza for fresh spinach when there was too much wilt going on. Okay, I might not be the best one to ask. . . .
Don’t get me started with checkout lanes. Or kids . . .
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Or old folks pulling out a checkbook after everything is rung up and bagged.
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YES!
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😊
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Oh boy, did you ever hit the nail on the head with this list!!!!!! 😬🥴
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Ha ha ha. We share in the experience. I have been banned from grocery shopping for life.
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hahaha, how did you manage that? What’s your secret?!!
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Everything on the Top Ten list. The big one was forgetting to turn in the coupons.
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Whoa! You like to live dangerously! 😮
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You should have been here when I did the wash and turned our white towels to pink. (didn’t see that red polo shirt in there) I’m also banned from clothes washing.
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You’re batting 500, how about doing windows?
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Nope. I still have to do them. Got a great system that is Producer-approved.
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Great list, John. I took over grocery shopping during Covid and I don’t think I made all of these mistakes, but several look familiar. I also learned that when pasta is marked “10 for $10” you don’t actually have to buy 10. At least we like pasta.
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Ha ha ha. The nice thing about dried pasta is that its shelf life seems to be forever.
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Oh the horror! Black Butte Porter all over the parking lot.
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Makes you want to cry, doesn’t it?
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😭
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😀
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Great list of things to keep in mind when grocery shopping, John.
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Thanks, Tim. These come from experience. 😀
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😊
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😊
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There’s not an error on this list I don’t recognize, thanks to the behavior of others, or even my own. Pro tip: standing next to the “Fifteen items or fewer” line and seeming to count what you know are twenty-one items sometimes will get an “Oh, come on…” from the checker!
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Ha ha ha. The old try to bluff. Thanks, Linda.
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The hungry problem gets me every time! 😂😱
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I can see that happening.
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Free lunch at Costco lol 😝
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Ha ha ha
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All solved by shopping online.
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I suppose you are right.
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I immediately failed at #10. I do not understand people who order online and then merely park to pick up their order. Where’s the fun of looking at all the things you can make with all the newly found items not on the shopping list? How about the ‘limited time only’ items just waiting for suckers like me? I love food shopping–no coupons, please! But that new item on the shelf is probably going to land in my cart.
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I have a niece who shares your opinion. Her motto is that if she opens the refrigerator door and nothing falls out, it is time to shop.
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Say hello to your niece for me!! 😂
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Ha ha ha.
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Most of these are for my husband!
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Ha ha ha. The Producer got tired of putting up with me, so she banned me from food shopping for life.
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😁
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As I started reading this, I thought about my dad. He’s recently started doing the grocery shopping – to his peril! Thanks, John. Lots of wise advice for him here.
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I feel sorry for him.
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I’ll pass on your condolences.
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Yes, please do.
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#3 and #1 are my downfall – or were. I always eat now before shopping. The hard part was the kids – one was in a back carrier pulling my hair, the other was dropping glass jars he grabbed on the aisle floor!
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Kids are murder in the grocery store.
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“do not buy anything that is not on the list”
Well, in my experience the grocery stores constantly change their layout to make you go past everything looking for your stuff and hopefully buy a lot more than that on your list.
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Yes, they are devious that way. 😀
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No. 3 is a biggie. I’ve made the mistake of going to the grocery store hungry before, but never again. The things one picks up, thinking you’ve GOT to have them (donuts, I’m looking at you!!)
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I always had trouble passing the eclair case. “Oh look a chocolate-covered cream-filled beauty”
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If you asked to ship, have a plausible list of reasons why you’re very sorry but you can’t. They were going to be unhappy anyways but you won’t have to be also.
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Great advice, Pat.
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😎
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I mran shop.
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😀
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Yes little kids in the store is risky. Once I took my at the time three year old. I bought those small sausages often referred to as little wieners. My son was sitting in the cart when he saw another boy and screamed. Guess what we bought? The other boy said “what?”. My son shouted “we bought little wieners” and they both started laughing as the woman with the other boy embarrassed ran off with her cart.
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A great story, Thomas. 😀
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Lots of these are why I don’t trust store employees to shop for me and then have me pickup, lol.
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This was so funny, John! Still laughing. 😂
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So glad
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😀
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Haha! Taking the kids with you will cost an additional $25 minimum.
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So true.
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This is an awesome list. Yes, to all of them. Beware substitutions! Don’t switch stores! And above all, Don’t go hungry!
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Thank you, Rebecca.
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Whew, dodged all of these. Husby does our shopping.
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Lucky him. Or Lucky you.
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Great advice! It took me forever to remember my grocery list. Now I just add things on my phone and rarely forget to bring it home. Finally…a piece of technology that’s useful!
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I agree with the phone list. The Producer uses it all the time.
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Years of experience are shining through the list 🙂
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In the end, I was banned from the grocery store.
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By the store I trust?
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By the wife. (for life)
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Why weren’t you just honest and say this is a list for husbands only. I don’t know a single woman who would take advice on how to shop. Especially from a man.
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Good point. Next time I will.
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😅😅😅 I remember it, dear John. Still urgent! By the way, the blue chicken people always bring little children with them. It’s a nightmare for any supermarket.🙈🍤🍤🍤🍻
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I remember French kids are as spoiled as their parents, except they scream louder.
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Still they are, except ethno children. They are the best! Imagine, our animals in Versailles hide from the Frenchmen & especially from their children. When they pass, dwellers of Versailles relax & continue their affairs.
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😀
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All true 🤣 🛒
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Thank you, Cherryl. 😀
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