Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash
This list was authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me and posted on September 30, 2013. We hope it is still useful.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Writing the Great American Novel
10. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not begin your manuscript with the words, “It was a dark and stormy night.” These words have already been copyrighted by Snoopy, and you could find yourself in a nasty lawsuit.
9. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not let your spouse read a word of it. Your spouse will want to protect you from yourself and make suggestions that could lead to annulment proceedings by both of you.
8. If you are writing the great American novel, do not use your friends, neighbors, or family members as easily identified characters. People tend to be a little touchy when they think you have exposed them for what they really are.
7. If you are writing the Great American novel, do not include sex scenes that at some later time you will need to explain “How did you know that?” to your spouse. Even worse would be the question, “Why haven’t we done that?”
6. If you are writing the great American novel, do not tell anyone you are doing it until it is all done. If you talk too much, the people you tell will give you several stories that they are sure you can use. Even worse, you will have to listen to all the stories about how they are also going to write a book, as if it is as easy as saying.
5. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not start replacing frustrated moments with food and drink. The frustration will continue, but you might find yourself in a position where you need new clothes beyond your tattered, trusted terry-cloth robe for that book launch party. It could also be that you will need to seek help for your addictions.
4. If you are writing the great American novel, do not assume everyone in the world is causing you to come down with a case of writer’s block. The interruptions are a way for normal people to test whether or not you are still of sound mind and body. The writer’s block is all yours.
3. If you are writing the great American novel, do not try to get your family to understand why you would rather remain behind to tap on your keyboard than to go to the movies, theater, restaurant, bar, or sporting event. Simply pretend to have come down with a bout of the flu and let it go. You may have to create some unusual sounds, but as a world-famous author, you can do it.
2. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not suspend everyday hygiene routines. The wild-eyed, disheveled, evil-smelling iconic view of an author is long past. If you are clean and look healthy, you will avoid unusual questions, not to mention the threat of intervention from loved ones.
1. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not let anyone tell you that you are wasting your time. The fact that you just might be doing so is nobody else’s business but yours. You will eventually reach your goal (or not), but at least you had the faith to get there.
I will be on break from Friday to Thursday of next week – That is to mean totally off the grid.
Fiction Favorites 
Dear John
We especially liked No.7.
Thanks & cheers
The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
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That one made me laugh too. I could just visualize the questions. Thanks. Wishing the F4oC a smooth week.
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haha, I got a kick out of Klausbernd’s response. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m not an author!
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I liked that one too. Thanks, GP.
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The great American novel sounds like a risky endeavor. I’ll stick to fantasy that doesn’t sell. 😁
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I’m with you on that idea, Charles.
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I remember reading this list, John. It’s still good advice (and I’m still paying attention to hygiene).
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Always a good idea, Dan.
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Still seems like sound advice.
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I think it could be useful.
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Excellent advice! I got a good chuckle from #10.
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Yes, a classic.
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I may not be writing The Great American Novel, but these are fabulous 10 points that I am going to implement.
Thank you for sharing them. ✨
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They actually are based on fact. Thank you, Narisa.
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#7…One fiction writer I like almost takes you through her sex life from her early books to the ones written 15-20 years later.😬
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She must like remembering how it was or is.
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I just saw the note about you being off the grid. Good luck with little Twiggy.
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Thank you, Lois.
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Enjoy your time off!
I assume you think we could actually write The Great American Novel – not likely in my case!
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Not likely in mine either. Thanks, I will enjoy it.
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🙂 🙂
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Good advice for authors, John!
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Thank you, Tim. 😊
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I will apply this useful advice to writing The Great British Novel. Thanks, John.
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Yes you can apply these tips to that for sure.
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Strange but true – I remember this list from your first post. It hit home then, and now I can laugh at the reasons it did. 😄
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That is funny, Gwen. We can now laugh at our mistakes. Thanks.
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#6 is a biggie. As hard as it might be, it’s best not to share your story — any part of it — with any of your family or friend circle. That way, you won’t have to keep telling them “not yet” when they ask if you’ve finished!
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Also, you don’t get “helpful suggestions.”
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That sounds like good advice. I wish someone had told Jack Torrence #4 in the movie the Shining. I am thinking about the scene where Wendy interrupts his typing and he has a hissing fit.
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I liked that movie too. Very chilling.
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My spouse never reads my blog. It’s safe bet she won’t want to read my great American novel.😊
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Ha ha ha. Good one, Pete.
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It was a dark and stormy night was probably not the greatest idea the very first time it was used. And nope, never ever write anything that a family member, friend or love interest can identify . . unless you’re into that kind of drama.
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Ha ha ha. Great comment.
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😉
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😊
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Have a wonderful vacation. I loved this list. Yes, best keep mum til your done.
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Good mantra on a lot of stuff. ‘Keep mum till you’re done.’
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I immediately thought of Snoopy on #10 before I saw his name, lol. Good advice, John!
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Thank you, Teri.
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Great suggestions, every one.
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Thanks, Jacqui
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I must admit that in the past I have incorporated traits from members of the family into a few of my characters. Eeek! Great list, John. Have a lovely holiday.
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Just don’t get caught if the traits are not complementary.
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Lol.
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These are hilarious, John! And who knew that beagle was so clever as to copyright the dark and stormy night opening lines. Bravo, Snoopy. Have a fantabulous blogging break!
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Thank you, Monika. So glad you liked it.
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Hilarious, John! Enjoy your time off the grid.
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The world has moved on and we are where we are. You may want to consider adding a warning that even a passing or oblique reference to the present leader could be detrimental to its chances of being considered as one.
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Good idea on the warning. Maybe we call it the Great North American novel.
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#1 is so true. It’s the act of creation that is important and satisfying.
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I agree.
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