Image by geralt from Pixabay
This post was first published on August 5th, 2019, which was the anniversary of the establishment of a tax to help pay for the Civil War. Since April 15th is coming up fast, I thought it might be fun to time-travel back to 1861 to get a feel of what it was like. Of course, there are rules to follow, so this list was developed to help stay out of trouble.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Tax Day in 1861.
10 On the first tax day, do not try to find an H&R Block office for relief. If you do, at best, it will be an ice supply house. At worse, you will raise so much concern from those you ask that they will point you out to the tax collector. (The belief that you are trying to avoid your tax obligation is what landed you behind bars, Issac. Just tell them you made a mistake and intend to pay, and maybe they’ll let you go.)
9 On the first tax day, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that he can’t come in to assess your net worth. If you do, at best, he will come in anyway. At worst, Tiny, who just left his rejection support group meeting, will reduce the place to sawdust. (The upside to Tiny’s visit, Iulio, is that you have no assets and therefore don’t owe any tax. Let’s not talk of the downside.)
8 On the first tax day, do not try to deduct your stay and meals as a business expense. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the room. At worse, the tax collector will call the Marshall, and you’ll be labeled as the first tax fraud case in the US. (The first tax was a 3% flat rate over 800 dollars ($13,000 today) of income, Iwdael. There are no deductions. Now tell the man you are sorry and cough up the money.)
7 On the first tax day, do not carry your “No Taxation Without Representation” protest sign. If you do, at best, no one will be able to read. At worst, you will be invited to spend the night at the Hoosegow Hotel. (These new revenuers have no sense of humor, Izeyah. I wouldn’t press my luck any further.)
6 On the first tax day, do not try to pay your taxes with corn. If you do, at best, the agent will think you are joking. At worst, the interpretation is that you are trying to evade your taxes. (You have to admit, Izreal trying to unload 100 bushels of corn in the tax office looks a little suspicious. You’ll find a broom and a shovel in the corner. Best to clean up the mess before you leave.)
5 On the first tax day, do not try to convince the tax collector that you are part of the 97% of the population that does not earn 800 dollars a year. If you do, at best, the collector will respect your attempt at avoiding the tax. At worse, the collector just declared to his staff that the next person who tries to lie about their income will be shot. (I think you’d better cough up the tax quickly, Ian. That collector is resting his hand on a very big six-shooter.)
4 On the first Tax day, do not show up in your most elegant clothes on the best horse. If you do, at best, the collector won’t notice. At worst, since your clothes and horse are better than the collector’s, your bill will be higher than it should be. (At this stage, Ibrahim, you might as well just pay it. Why you didn’t think to wear those old shoes and overalls is beyond me. You could have parked your horse down the street, too.)
3 On the first tax day, do not try to dazzle the tax collector with stacks of paperwork proving your lack of income. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worse, the agent will assume you are up to something illegal and double your tax assessment. (It would have been better just to tell them the truth, Igore. After all, 3% is not a lot to pay.)
2 On the first tax day, do not put in an application to join the IRS. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, you’ll give away your time traveler status since the IRS wasn’t established until 1862. (Well, easy come, easy go, Ishmael. It is now time to hit the bricks and get back to your own timezone. Otherwise, you might be spending a lot of time in a very damp and chilly place.)
1 On the first tax day, do not think you can tell the tax collector to send you a bill. If you do, at best, the collector will share a laugh with you. At worst, the collector will take measures to collect the tax today. ( That big guy in the corner is the enforcer, Ignatius. It is his job to extract the payment right now. He has been known to hold some by their ankles until the money falls to the floor. Just save us all the misery and pay the bill.)
Fiction Favorites 
It’s always good to see Tiny. My taxes are done. Nothing risky here. Good list, John.
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Miine, too. Too old for risks myself. 😀
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I can see some people in our society doing #4. They just can’t stop themselves from flaunting their wealth.
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So true. Thanks, Charles.
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You do have a vivid imagination, but somehow I am not sure than any of these would fit.
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To each their own. Thanks, Pat.
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Certainly imaginative. 😉
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Thank you, Pat.
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It’s good to have this humor with taxes, John. I keep forgetting about mine this year, because January never finished… How can it be mid-April? Fortunately mine are comparatively simple. Hugs.
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My brain is still in January as well, Teagan. Hugs
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Good advice for getting through the tax procedure, John. I’m thankful that I already have the tax procedure done.
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Great, Tim 😊
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Thanks to Intuit Turbo Tax, I already have a federal tax refund, still waiting for the state refund.
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Good for you. I have to wonder why state refunds take so long.
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I think they’re holding on to the money as long as they can, hoping it will be refunded by next Wednesday, the 15th.
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😊
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In Canada, we have until April 30th. My appointment is made for the 13th 🙂
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Hope it goes well.
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I don’t doubt it will. Better than me struggling to make it happen by myself!
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Yeah, I struggle through it myself.
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I jokingly told my accountant I should start doing my own again. He laughed and said good luck with the paperwork for any international investments. I said nope… I’m good. You’ve got this!
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Ha ha ha.
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A few years ago, I forgot to include one form with our taxes. Refund was great. Several months later, IRS sent me a letter–‘not so fast there, girlie.’ What killed me, though, was they charged me three months of interest which I had to pay along with the return of part of the refund. I should have had Tiny reply to them **cracks knuckles here** 😂
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Not including the form is one thing. Not declaring what is on the form is quite another. Sorry Lois. Tiny would be happy to bust a few heads over there.
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Nice, John. Don’t you wish we had a 3% flat tax rate today?
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I do. I think a flat rate of 3% would be great.
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Me, too. We could afford to travel!
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Ugh! Tax day. Thankfully, I’ve already gotten it over with for this year!
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Me too. Thank heavens.
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Good
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Thank you.
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Welcome John
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😊
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Hee, hee…this was a fun read. Considering this country started out objecting to taxes from the get-go, I had to chuckle. Especially with the one describing the new revenuers not having a sense of humor. Nothing seemed to have changed there!
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Thank you, Monika. 😀 Glad you liked it.
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They’re making tax digital here in the UK, and I know lots of people are tearing their hair out, including me! So this post put a smile on my face. Thanks, John.
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Whatever the government can do to make our lives more complex, they sign up pretty quickly.
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They certainly do!
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😊
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Not a fan of taxes, though I appreciate what they’re designed to pay for. Why they have to be so complicated, though, remains a mystery!
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If you can imagine the Congress passing tax laws, it is not surprising.
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Haha – wouldn’t it be nice to pay taxes in corn?
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I think I would be out of luck. I would have to pay someone for the corn.
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Okay what if I showed up in casual attire on my best horse? And tried to pay in lima beans instead? Still nope?
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Nope. 😀
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I tried 😉
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You did. Nicely, too.
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Sounds like the same personnel still work there even if the rates went up.
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They are immortal.
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🧛 🧟♀️
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😀
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Thank you for keeping us out of trouble, John. Mine are done. Felt like it took 165 years! 😂
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I felt the same, Michele. 😀 Thank you for the smile.
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They were all funny and also an interesting fact about the first US income tax. It certainly was a lot less back then. However, there was another type of tax in the US that was established all the way back to 1789, and that was tarrifs and an excise tax. The excise tax was on whiskey and led to the whiskey rebellion in 1791.
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I think taxation has a colorful history for sure. Thanks for the information, Thomas.
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Haha to the “no taxation without representation” sign. I would pay to see one of my buddies walk into their accountant’s office holding that.
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Would be fun for sure. Thanks, Pete.
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This list is gold! I can just picture someone trying to pay with corn—what a scene that would be! Thanks for the laugh and the history lesson! 😂 I am Emily from https://galaxyonknowledge.blogspot.com/
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Thank you for your lovely comment, Emily. I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
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I wonder if a future (say 2200) chronicler will be able to recollect 2025 as the year in which the President introduced the concept of tariffs like you have been able to do with taxes?
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If humans are still here, I’ll bet they will be able. Thanks, Ankur.
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I don’t even want to think about taxes – this wasn’t a good year for us. Ugh.
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Always sad to have to pay more taxes. I’m in the same boat this year. Had to own up to a tax-deferred distribution. Double ugh. Didn’t think I would live this long.
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LOL. We got a break on our taxes this year, for which I’m grateful.
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That is always good news.
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This was funny, but hit a small nerve. After nearly finishing our taxes, TurboTax lost everything (we were not the only ones.) I sure could use Tiny! 😀
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Turbo is becoming a pain for sure. A lot of glitches. Sorry about that. Were you using the online version or the desktop?
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Desktop, which we have always used, and they were pushing the online. This has not been smooth this year.
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I agree. I had to work around the desktop version myself. 🤨
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I’m glad I’m not alone. Thanks, John.
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For sure.
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😀
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I tried paying with corn last year. It didn’t work any better than it did in 1861.
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I’ll bet. Ha Ha Ha.
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