The inspiration for this list—Wait! have you been put to sleep for the last couple of weeks? You know the inspiration so here goes.

Ten Things Not to Do in the Final Four Playoffs

10 Do not fall sleep overnight outside in Phoenix without a tent. If you do at best, you may get a scorpion bite. At worst, you may be hauled off by a pack of coyotes who have you confused with a large sheep. (No, these guys aren’t inviting you home for dinner Roscoe. You are dinner.)

9 Do not think the public intoxication laws are not in force during the tournament. If you do, at best you’ll avoid all the testing blockades. At worst, you will be asked to walk a straight line that is all but impossible if you were sober. (Well a nice ride in the patrol car is an interesting way to spend the evening huh, Buford?)

8 Do not believe the locals who tell you the sun in Phoenix is not fierce in March. If you do, At best you’ll have an uncomfortable night’s sleep. At worst, you will be the first sunburn victim admitted to the burn trauma unit at the hospital. ( At least your picture is in the paper, Ferd. Of course, the headline reads “Idiot Let’s Self Get Burned.”)

7 Do not pay attention to the KissCam in the arena. If you do, at best your date will think you are proposing. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ sitting next to you will think you are proposing and wants you to know he says yes.( Don’t try to get out of this one claiming a mistake, Tex. Tiny doesn’t take well to hurt feelings.)

6 Do not take that 32oz drink into the stands unless you have an easy way out. If you do, at best you will have to hold everything for the entire game. At worst, you will struggle through the row only to block the view of the biggest guy in the stadium just as the winning basket is made.(Guess what Roy? His team lost. I think he may blame you.)

5 Do not paint your face with your team’s colors. If you do, at best your parents won’t be watching the game to see how they are wasting that tuition. At worst, the paint was the wrong kind, and now you are sitting in a job interview explaining your blue and gold complexion. (You didn’t want that job. After all, it was your dream would have paid one hundred grand a year huh, Bunky?)

4 Do not watch the tournament while at work. If you do, at best you will not get caught. At worst, you might get your job and the tournament confused like telling those twelve fights to hold during the penalty free throw. (You always take your job as an air traffic controller seriously don’t you, Bosco?)

3 Do not yell for the entire game. If you do, at best you’ll be reduced to a whisper. At worse, you’ll get a phone call from your agent who is wanting you to accept that movie deal on your book. (Unfortunately, he can’t hear you, and the offer expires in five minutes, Putz)

2 Do not think food in the arena is calorie free. If you do, at best you’ll be facing a slight weight gain. At worst, you will need to revisit that reduction program since all the tension of the game was channeled through your mouth. (Looks like six months of salad and water got wiped out in a single afternoon, huh Bub?)

1 Do not take your frustration in losing the tournament out on other drivers on the way home. If you do, at best you’ll get home safely. At worst, you’ll meet your road rage match, and he’s driving a military grade four by four. ( You can use that flat car as a sled next winter can’t you, Buba?)