Ten Things Not to Do at The Final Four Playoffs

March Madness


The inspiration for this list—Wait! have you been put to sleep for the last couple of weeks? You know the inspiration so here goes.

Ten Things Not to Do in the Final Four Playoffs

10 Do not fall sleep overnight outside in Phoenix without a tent. If you do at best, you may get a scorpion bite. At worst, you may be hauled off by a pack of coyotes who have you confused with a large sheep. (No, these guys aren’t inviting you home for dinner Roscoe. You are dinner.)

9 Do not think the public intoxication laws are not in force during the tournament. If you do, at best you’ll avoid all the testing blockades. At worst, you will be asked to walk a straight line that is all but impossible if you were sober. (Well a nice ride in the patrol car is an interesting way to spend the evening huh, Buford?)

8 Do not believe the locals who tell you the sun in Phoenix is not fierce in March. If you do, At best you’ll have an uncomfortable night’s sleep. At worst, you will be the first sunburn victim admitted to the burn trauma unit at the hospital. ( At least your picture is in the paper, Ferd. Of course, the headline reads “Idiot Let’s Self Get Burned.”)

7 Do not pay attention to the KissCam in the arena. If you do, at best your date will think you are proposing. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ sitting next to you will think you are proposing and wants you to know he says yes.( Don’t try to get out of this one claiming a mistake, Tex. Tiny doesn’t take well to hurt feelings.)

6 Do not take that 32oz drink into the stands unless you have an easy way out. If you do, at best you will have to hold everything for the entire game. At worst, you will struggle through the row only to block the view of the biggest guy in the stadium just as the winning basket is made.(Guess what Roy? His team lost. I think he may blame you.)

5 Do not paint your face with your team’s colors. If you do, at best your parents won’t be watching the game to see how they are wasting that tuition. At worst, the paint was the wrong kind, and now you are sitting in a job interview explaining your blue and gold complexion. (You didn’t want that job. After all, it was your dream would have paid one hundred grand a year huh, Bunky?)

4 Do not watch the tournament while at work. If you do, at best you will not get caught. At worst, you might get your job and the tournament confused like telling those twelve fights to hold during the penalty free throw. (You always take your job as an air traffic controller seriously don’t you, Bosco?)

3 Do not yell for the entire game. If you do, at best you’ll be reduced to a whisper. At worse, you’ll get a phone call from your agent who is wanting you to accept that movie deal on your book. (Unfortunately, he can’t hear you, and the offer expires in five minutes, Putz)

2 Do not think food in the arena is calorie free. If you do, at best you’ll be facing a slight weight gain. At worst, you will need to revisit that reduction program since all the tension of the game was channeled through your mouth. (Looks like six months of salad and water got wiped out in a single afternoon, huh Bub?)

1 Do not take your frustration in losing the tournament out on other drivers on the way home. If you do, at best you’ll get home safely. At worst, you’ll meet your road rage match, and he’s driving a military grade four by four. ( You can use that flat car as a sled next winter can’t you, Buba?)


  1. Ha! #1 reminds me of the shuttle driver (between campuses at work). The woman has huge road rage. Lucky for her, the bus is bigger than the expensive SUVs she threatens. I always wonder when she’ll meet her match and pray I am not there when she does! 😀

    1. Her corner of the world must be a miserable place for sure. Thanks, Teagan. 🙂

  2. Gwen Plano · ·

    Ha Ha….I love the excitement of March Madness. And, I always root for the small colleges – so I’m going with Gonzaga, but what fun it would be is Xavier won!

    1. It is funny how the smaller ones tend to do well in the tournament. 🙂

  3. Great list, John! I’m really getting into March Madness this year. Go South Carolina!

    1. Good for you. I hope your team gets to the playoff. 🙂

  4. Whoa, John. I just hope Tiny was known to be gay and you didn’t just out him. If you did you might want to hide for a while. Hilarious post. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. I would be in trouble for sure. Thanks, Suzanne. 😀

  5. What if the person interviewing you has their face painted? Although I guess that’s a problem if they’re a fan of the other team.

    1. That would be great. 😀

  6. But public intoxication can lead to so much fun 😉

    1. So true. Watch that curb.

  7. Another great list John. I was working at home on Friday and our tech-guy was on vacation. I got a text: “How do we route the cable TV to the projector in the Board Room?” – yeah, they were working.

    My only addition would be: If WVU should miraculously beat Gonzaga, do NOT set every couch in sight on fire.

    1. Ha ha ha. I love the cat’s away actions. Also look out Morgantown should that happen. Thanks, Dan

      1. The city voted last fall to enforce a total ban on outdoor furniture, but the farther they go in the dance, the less effective that ban is going to be.

  8. Reblogged this on Words To Captivate ~ by John Fioravanti and commented:
    You gotta love March Madness, and John W. Howell enumerates ten things we shouldn’t do during the tournament… hilarious!

      1. Thanks for my Monday Smile!

  9. Well done, good sir! I got my big Monday morning smile back!

    1. I’m glad. Thanks, John

  10. I always have to pick one I love the best….#10 this time, though you always keep me entertained throughout 🙂

    1. Thank you, Mae. 🙂

  11. When sleeping outside in Phoenix, don’t forget about the javelinas.

    1. Ah yes. Count your toes in the morning.

  12. I’ll content myself to watching from home (one more perk of working solo, ha!) Great list, John. By the way, how’s your bracket holding up??

    1. WVU and Baylor are still alive. MSU and ND not so much. Thanks, Debbie.

  13. Living in KY, with a son at UK, all I hear from him and hubby in the month of March is basketball and brackets.

    1. I’ll bet. Thanks, Teri 🙂

  14. Hah, you have Phoenix down perfectly! I can never figure out how anybody dares camp in the area because of the scorpions and the coyotes–and throw in a giant bobcat and a herd of javelina for good measure.

    1. Ha ha ha. Sounds fun. 😀

      1. Oh yeah. It’s a wilderness of beasts here.

      2. I’ve been there. (as you can tell)

  15. How funny! I almost spit out my drink when I read #10, I have an Uncle Roscoe that lives in Phoenix!

    March madness, indeed!

    1. Thanks, RobbyeFaye. Glad you liked it. Tell uncle Roscoe it was an accident.

      1. LOL, no problem!
        I had a great chuckle!!

  16. Great list. Of course, Number 11 is don’t cheer for my team, Syracuse, they didn’t make it in this year.

    1. Ha ha ha. Sorry , Don. (no I’m not)

  17. Everyone I know has a bracket that is currently in flames. This list made me laugh. Thankful basketball isn’t my sport. I’ll have to pass this list on to my sisters.

    1. I’m not a fan either. 🙂

      1. Why am I not surprised? We know what’s cool… 🙂

  18. How did mankind ever survive without you, John W. Howell?

    1. Ha ha ha.Thanks, Hook

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