Top Ten Things Not to Do Holding Up a Bank
10 If you are holding up a bank, do not hand the teller a note written on the back of one of your checkbook deposit slips; if you do, at best, you need to get the slip back. At worst, the police all-points bulletin will include your name, address, phone number, and the current balance of your account. (Interesting situation having a sheriff’s car waiting in your driveway huh, Buford?)
9 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to convince the teller your banana is a gun. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the bank. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ who has just graduated from security school and desperately wants to try his new taser, is on duty. (Looks like you will be lying on the floor twitching for a while, Tex.)
8 If you are holding up a bank, do not use foul language as part of the process. If you do, at best, one of the customers is your fifth-grade English teacher. At worst, the security camera footage will go viral on YouTube, and your mother will wonder where you learned that kind of language. (It’s hard to explain it was just an act, right, Bosco?)
7 If you are holding up a bank, do not try the caper during non-business hours. If you do, at best, no one will notice you in a ski mask and gloves trying to get in. At worst, if you do get in, all the money will be in a vault, and the alarm system has called the police. (You wonder what those guys mean by, “Come out with your hands up,” Roscoe?)
6 If you are holding up a bank, do not use someone who has been drinking as a getaway driver. If you do, at best, you have to wake them up to get away. At worst, they may plow into the police car on the corner. (The fun part was the cop had no idea a bank robbery was in progress, Buster.)
5 If you are holding up a bank and are successful, do not brag about it on Facebook. If you do, at best, you have so few friends no one will notice. At worst, your post will be forwarded to the police, and you’ll be pinched. (At least the officer gave you a “like,” huh, Putz?)
4 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to push through a door marked “pull.” If you do, at best, you’ll figure it out after a few tries. At worst, you keep bashing the door until the police arrive. (I guess you can blame nerves for your actions, Bunky.)
3 If you are holding up a bank, do not shoot your gun into the ceiling. If you do, at best, you will make a clean getaway. At worst, you will be charged with destruction of property in addition to armed robbery. (Too bad you were caught, Pard.)
2 If you are holding up a bank, do not go through a drive-through for lunch while escaping. If you do, at best, your order will be filled immediately. At worst, you will be asked to pull over while your sandwich is being prepared “especially for you.” It seems the policeman behind you in line had the same sandwich and your license number. ( Those red and blue lights mean something, Ferd.)
1 If you are holding up a bank, do not accept a bag of money that contains a dye pack. If you do, At best, it won’t go off until you get home. At worst, the dye pack will go off as you are walking down the street, subsequently trailing red smoke. (Pretty hard to try to explain the smoke as a lunch that didn’t agree with you, huh, Ralph?)
Time to go
The coffee hit the brain like a falling Moslier safe. So needy was the cortex for some soothing syrup it almost reached out to grab the cup. Of course, what has been playing on my mind is that problem on the front porch. Yes, the URN is the last thought at night and first in the morning. Lest anyone think that the URN has been forgotten, there is a list so the subject is not lost. My lust for it to be gone runneth over.
