Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Writer

September 18, 2023September 10, 2023 ~ John W. Howell

Today’s post was first published on August 7th, 2017. I think it is still current. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

This list was inspired by going out into public over the weekend. I am always amazed at some of the things people say once they find out you write full-time.

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Writer

10 If you meet a writer, do not tell them you have a book you have meant to write. If you do, at best, they will walk away. At worst, they will ask how come you haven’t written it yet? (That is a pretty uncomfortable silence, isn’t it, Bunky?)

9 If you meet a writer, do not ask about their royalties. If you do, at best, they will offer to buy you a drink. At worst, they will ask you to pick up the bar tab. (That was the saddest poor-mouth story you ever heard, huh Ralph?)

8 If you meet a writer, do not ask about a movie deal. If you do, at best, you’ll have to listen to the impossibilities of getting a film deal. At worst, you’ll have to supply the tissues and offer large, soothing hugs. (It’s almost like this guy is never going to stop sobbing, right, Tex?)

7 If you meet a writer named Tiny the WWF champ, do not tell him you have not read his book. If you do, at best, his disappointment will cause you to cry. At worst, he will hold you on his lap and read it to you. ( It is hard to get away, isn’t it, Buford?)

6 If you meet a writer, do not tell them how you would have ended the book. If you do, at best, the look you get should be photographed and filed under incredulity in Wikipedia. At worst, the writer might just leave the gathering and work out previous rejection traumas by consuming a gallon of ice cream. (No, you are not invited to join the ice cream social, Putz.)

5 If you meet a writer, do not ask what they do for “real work.” If you do, at best, they will humor you with lawn-cutting stories. At worst, they will give you the impression that they eliminate ignorant people for money. ( You have to admit if this guy writes as well as he frightens, he’s good, huh, Bosco?)

4 If you meet a writer, do not ask them to review your manuscript. If you do, at best, they will try to change the subject. At worst, they will say yes and try, as they may never find the time to read it. (You should join a critique group Buster, and quit bothering people you just met.)

3 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what brand of whiskey they drink. If you do, at best, they will think you are joking. At worst, the writer will grasp the stereotype and provide you with an obscure brand name that costs $100 a bottle. (A pretty expensive way to get inspired, hey, Pal?)

2 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what they do in their spare time. If you do, at best, you’ll get a vague answer along the lines of washing the dog. At worst, you’ll have to stand and listen to what sounds like a description of a person with Attention Deficit Disorder describing a typical work month. (The big question now is how do you make a getaway right, Prince?)

1 If you meet a writer, do not mention that you haven’t written a review of their book on Amazon. If you do, at best, the smile you get is fake. At worst, you’ll have to hear a long story about how a writer knows if they are appealing to their readers. (Might have been better to lie, Buddy.)