This week marks the 135th anniversary of the first trainload of oranges to leave Los Angles for Eastern markets in 1886. The town of LA only had 11,000 inhabitants when the oranges were shipped. Mostly farmers and workers on farms tending the massive orchards around the city. We can’t pass up the opportunity to go west again when LA was young. This time we need to take a look at the agricultural side of things. As usual, we need to take our list of things not to do so that we don’t cause a problem in the time continuum. Let’s all get in James’s Oldsmobile. I call shotgun.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at The First Trainload of Oranges to Leave Los Angles in 1886

by John W. Howell © 2021

10 If you go, do not show your “Save the Colorado River” shirt. If you do, at best, you’ll get a quizzical look. At worst, one of the farmers will ask you what it means. (You see, Manawydan in the 1880s irrigation was mostly tapped from the hills. It wasn’t until 1941 that the Colorado River Viaduct routed water to LA from the Parker Dam 250 miles away. So right now, there are no arguments about water from the river. That farmer looks like he likes you.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, if you can have an orange. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be listening. At worst, Tiny will think you are trying to steal oranges. (Tiny was told by the bosses to be on the lookout for orange rustlers, Manfried. He was told to show no mercy. This, coupled with Tiny’s sociopath tendencies, means you will experience Tiny’s famous drop hold. Yeah, that’s a drop like in fall for ten feet. Maybe the concrete isn’t the best landing spot.)

8 If you go, do not sing Carol King’s song about the Earth moving under your feet. If you do, at best, everyone will be watching the oranges being loaded. At worst, the local sheriff will wonder what you are trying to accomplish. (Earthquakes have been recorded in the Los Angles area as early as 1812 in the Ventura area. These guys don’t take moving Earth Lightly, Manley. I think the Sheriff wants to talk to you.)

7 If you go, do not mention frozen or orange juice in a can. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, you’ll be overheard by a farmer. (Now you’ve done it, Mannie. Orange juice was first canned in the 1920s as a way to take up the slack posed by too much fruit being grown. As fresh fruit ages, its taste begins to deteriorate. It was thought by canning it, the abundant stocks could be saved and sold. You have to hope the guy you told is the one who came up with the idea. Otherwise, you have altered the time continuum.)

6. If you go, do not ask for a screwdriver. If you do, at best, you’ll get a tool. At worst, you will be asked to explain what you mean. (Given that Los Angles has plenty of oranges, Manny it seems natural that a little vodka could be added. Unfortunately for you, such a drink was not invented until the late 40s. Two stories exist about that invention. The first story is that American oil workers living in Saudi Arabia would add vodka to their orange juice and stir it with a screwdriver since spoons were in short supply. The second story is U.S. Marines came up with the drink and named it. In any case, you are way ahead of your time.)

5 If you go, do not suggest making orange sherbet. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, the entire crew will enthusiastically ask you to do it. (The use of ice and salt to enhance the making of frozen deserts came to America in the 18th century, Manolito. Orange sherbet is a natural. Get some ice, salt, milk, sugar, vanilla, and fresh orange juice, and you have it made. Of course, there is the arm breaking cranking of the ice cream machine. We’ll see you later.)

4 If you go, do not offer to go with the oranges to New York City. If you do, at best, you’ll be laughed out of the county. At worst, someone will let you get in a car. (I hope you have plenty of provisions Mansfield. It will take over three weeks for a freight train to make the trip. An express passenger trip can be made in 84 hours via the new Transcontinental line.)

3 If you go, do not ask the farmers about Florida oranges. If you do, at best, the tractor noise will drown out your question. At worse, the biggest farmer will hear you. (Since the beginning of time, Manuelo, there has been a rivalry between Florida and California. You now will see how the big Californian Farmer feels about his oranges.)

2 If you go, do not take bets on how many pounds of oranges will be produced in 2021. If you do, at best, everyone will think you have lost your head. At worst, you’ll have no way to pay the bet since it will be 135 years in the future. (Be that as it may, Manvil. If someone guessed 25 billion pounds, they are a winner. I think you should give everyone their money back.)

1 If you go, do not argue with anyone about the original source of the sweet orange. If you do, at best, they won’t care. At worst, you will argue with someone who wants to win. (The original source for the sweet orange was China, Manzo. They were brought to America in the 1500s by the Spanish explorers. You need to go and offer that guy who is sharpening his knife an apology since that was his position. Yeah, maybe you ought to let him coll off a while. Here have an orange.)

 

Normally I would be doing a post on a historical event but this week was pretty slow in the History department. (Sorry, Susannah and Andrew) It just so happens that today is National Spaghetti Day. So I thought it would be fun to lay out some things not to do in celebration of spaghetti day.

Top Ten things Not to Do on Spaghetti Day

10 If you celebrate, do not wear white. If you do, at best, the sauce will be alfredo. At worse, you will be served a big bowl of sausage and basil. (good move, Martyn. You now look like the subject in a Lizzy Bordon reenactment.)

9 If you celebrate, do not reach for Tiny the WWF champ’s bowl of spaghetti. If you do, at best, have a $20 bill handy. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped several group sessions on his food aggression treatment plan, will grab your arm. (Looks like Tiny wants to separate you from the bowl, Malcolm. I think to drop it while your hand still works is good advice.)

8 If you celebrate, do not try to substitute Bucatini for spaghetti. If you do, at best, no one will see you make the switch. At worst, you’ll be having dinner with Guido Barilla. (You must understand, Marston. Guido is the president of Barilla pasta and does not take kindly to anyone fooling with his spaghetti. Looks like he has called his friend with the big car to take you home. Maybe.)

7 If you celebrate, do not toss your spaghetti against the wall to test for doneness. If you do, at best, you are in your own house. At worse, you are visiting your in-law’s new house. (I guess it goes without saying, Macauley, that the idea of spaghetti on the wall of a new house won’t be well received. I see your father in law going to his gun safe. That can’t be good.)

6 If you celebrate, do not try to twirl your spaghetti on a fork if you don’t know how. If you do, at best, you will be able to fit it in your mouth. At worst, you will be faced with a twirl the size of your head. (Now, what are you going to do, Maverick. You can’t fit it in your mouth, and there is no way to untwirl it. Might want to see if anyone wants to play basketball.)

5 If you celebrate, Do not think el dente means raw. If you do, at best, no one will show up for your meal. At worst, your guests all decide to go to the spaghetti house for dinner. (Seems a shame they all left you, Miska. That advice to read the box cooking directions was especially hurtful. )

4 If you celebrate, do not try to serve Five-Way Chili as an authentic spaghetti original. If you do, at best, there will be no spaghetti experts at the meal. At worse, you have invited Bobby Flay to dinner. (So what are you going to do now, Mace? Bobby keeps looking at his bowl of chili over spaghetti as if there should be more. I think carry out might be the best option.)

3 If you celebrate, do not try a new goat sweetbread pasta recipe. If you do, at best, your guests love sweetbreads. At worst, all your guests have to leave early. (The sad part, Mikhael, is your guests are all together in the ER. I don’t think you should join them for an after-dinner drink. It is ipecak all around)

2 If you celebrate, do not try to serve spaghetti for dessert. If you do, at best, you make it sweet. At worse, you’ll serve up your garlic special. (If your guests haven’t left by now, Mablevi. This concoction of spaghetti and garlic will drive them from the room. No, that chocolate sauce just makes it worse.)

1 If you celebrate, do not make funny animal pictures on everyone’s plate out of the spaghetti. If you do, at best, the sauce will cover them. At worst, your guests will slowly get the feeling that they should leave. (Funny thing about adults, Macbeth. Not many like having their food manipulated into characters. It’s that uncomfortable feeling about not knowing where your hands have been. Oh yes, and that spaghetti giraffe is positively creepy.)

 

This week is the 125th anniversary of the first automobile race in the US. The race took place in Chicago and was a 50 mile round trip between Chicago and Evanston. We should go and at least witness the finish. Don’t forget to take a list of things not to do to protect the time continuum. We will need James’ Oldsmobile, so climb in, and we’ll be off.

Top Ten things Not to Do at the First Motor Car Race in the US in 1895

10 Do not complain when only six of the 89 racers entered actually made it to the starting line. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worse, you’ll be overheard by the editor of the Chicago Times-Herald, the sponsor of the race. ( It seems he is not in a good mood, Miikka. A freak snowstorm dumped ten inches of snow and prevented the other starters from showing up. I see he is handing you a snow shovel. Good luck clearing the first 25 miles.)

9 Do not tell Tiny, the WWF champ, that you would like to ride in his entry. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you above the engine noise. At worst, since he has to have a race official riding with him, he will assume you are trying to overweight his vehicle. (It is easy to explain a perceived slight away with Tiny. Of course, you have to allow him to toss you at least ten feet, Miklos. I know the landing isn’t always perfect.)

8 Do not place your money on the electric car entries. If you do, at best, you only bet what you could afford to lose. At worst, you put up the deed to your ranch. (You see, Millard. The two electrics that made the starting line had battery failure after a few minutes. So much for supporting green technology. It will be interesting to see you explain away a deed from 2019.)

7 Do not mention to the race organizer that you figure the race to last at least an hour. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are kidding. At worst, he’ll think you are drunk. (Although the race was only fifty miles, Milos took over ten hours for the first-place finisher to arrive. I noticed the organizer is pointing you out to a couple of Keystone cops. It might be a long night.)

6 Do not try to sell advertising to the first Benz team. If you do, at best, they will laugh. At worst, they’ll tell their sponsor, Macy’s of New York. (Don’t look now, Min, but I think that is a Pinkerton private investigator looking at you. I’m sure the Macy’s wonder what you are up to by soliciting their driver.)

5 Do not ask where you can get a Bud Lite. If you do, at best, someone will think you are talking about a candle. At worst,  you’ll ask a guy named Bud. (Good going, Minoru. Bud thinks you are mocking him, and now he wants satisfaction. He talks about a bare knuckle fight. I hope you have some boxing experience.)

4 Do not predict that one of the three Benz cars will be the winner. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst you’ll make the prediction to Frank Duryea. (Nice move, Misha. Frank was the winner of the race in a car that he and his brother built. He is not happy with you,, so don’t try to get a selfie with him and his car.)

3 Do not belittle the $2000 dollar first prize for the winner. If you do, at best people will think you nuts. At worst, the sponsor will be highly up set. (That $2000 in 1898 is equivalent to over $60,000 in today’s dollars, Miska. That kind of money didn’t grow on trees. The sponsor has decided to toss you out. Good sailing.

2 Do not wait around for the second place finisher. If you do at best someone will buy you a drink. At worst, you’ll miss dinner waiting. (The second place car came in two hours later than the first, Mjolnir. It was a Benz and was the only other care to finish.)

1 Do not congratulate Mr. Macy on his car’s finish. If you do, at best he’ll not hear you. At worst, he will think you are putting him on. You see, Modi. The Macy sponsored Benz collided with a streetcar on the way to Evanston and with a sleigh and then a horse drawn hack on the return trip. It never made it back.)

 

 

This week marks the 153rd anniversary of the debut of the first stock ticker in 1867. The ticker was invented by Edward Calahan, who configured a telegraph machine to deliver stock prices on a thin strip of paper. Whether you care about stocks or not, we have to visit New York and take a look at this thing. While we are there, maybe we can look around and see what the city was like at that time. Jump in James’s Olds, and we’ll be off. Oh, as a reminder, grab this list so that you won’t inadvertently do something to cause a tear in the time continuum. Who wants a shotgun?

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Debut of the First Stock Ticker in 1967 by John W. Howell © 2020

10 If you go, do not ask the operator for the price of the Consolidated Edison Stock. If you do, at best, he won’t understand you. At worst, he’ll think you are making up a name. (Sure Consolidated Edison is the oldest stock on the exchange, Min, but in 1867, it was named The New York Gas Light Company. The name change came in 1936. Don’t look now, but the operator is talking to that policeman over there.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, how his stocks are doing. If you do, at best, Tiny will be distracted. At worse, Tiny, who has missed several Personal Empowerment group sessions mandated by the court, will think you are asking a trick question. (Tiny does not have any stock, Minoru, and he thinks less of himself as a result. When he thinks less of himself, he likes to do things to others, making them feel less. I think you are about to go on a short helicopter ride with no helicopter.)

8 If you go, do not ask about a ticker-tape parade. If you do, at best, the operator will be engrossed in work. At worst, you will get a puzzled look. (The first ticker-tape Parade happened in 1886 to mark the opening of the Statue of Liberty, Misha. Right now, the operator is wondering what the heck is a ticker. That term was only applied to the symbol tape machine in later years and reflected the machine’s sound.)

7 If you go, do not ask for directions to Tiffanys. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll ask Alexander Turney Stewart, the father of the department store. (Stewart founded a store called the Marble Palace in 1846, Miska. He then built what is accepted as the first department store in 1862, which tool up a city block and was eight stories high. He is now wondering why you want to visit a place that only sells jewelry. Telling him, you just want to have breakfast there is not cutting any ice with him.)

6 If you go, do not ask if Central Park is safe. If you do, at best, no one will understand your question. At worst, you will ask Frederick Law Olmstead, one of the architects of the park. (Frederick, along with Calvert Vaux, came up with their “Greensward Plan,” which laid out the park to be a rural oasis in the heart of the city, Mjolnir. The park opened in 1859 and has about 2,000,000 visitors a year in 1867. Fredrick has taken offense to your question and looks like he will slap you with a glove. I think I would duck if I were you.)

5 If you go, do not ask for directions to Studio 54. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, you will ask Owney Geoghegan ex bare-knuckle boxing champ. (Owney opened up a sporting house at 103 Bowery known as “The Bastille of the Bowery,” in 1864, Modi.  He now wants to know all about this Studio 54  business. He is willing to show you his bare-knuckle technique for the information.)

4 If you go, do not ask for directions to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. If you do, at best, you might get directions out of town. At worst, you might ask John Taylor Johnston, a railroad executive, and the first president. (The museum opened in 1872, Mohsen, so I think John wants to ask you a couple of questions about how you came to know about it. I don’t think he sees you knowing as a positive.)

3 If you go, do not ask if the city politicians are honest. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, you’ll ask William Tweed, known as Boss Tweed. (I think you are in for a rough time, Monroe. You see, Tweed and his cronies swindled New York out of millions and were finally convicted of forgery and larceny in 1873. That doesn’t help you right now, though. That bucket of cement you are standing in looks a little suspicious.)

2 If you go, do not wonder aloud why The New York Herald does not have an evening edition. (Like you. would) If you do, at best, you’ll get lots of shrugs. At worst, you’ll ask Founded by James Gordon Bennett. (James founded The Evening Telegram in 1867, Montague. He is surprised you don’t know about his newspaper. Get ready for a two-hour lecture.)

1 If you go, do not ask about the absence of skyscrapers in the city. If you do, at best, no one will know what a skyscraper is. At worst, you’ll ask Bradford Gilbert. (Brad was the architect of the first skyscraper in NYC named the Tower Building, Montay. You see, buildings made of brick were limited to height. Brad used structural steel as his building’s skeleton and allowed it’s height to reach ten stories. Yes, Brad is looking at you funny since he has been dealing with the problem for years.)

 

This week marks the 69th anniversary of the first ‘I Love Lucy’ show on CBS television. This post was inspired by fellow blogger, author, and history buff Susannah.

 

We cannot miss the first show, so let’s get in James 56 Olds and go there. So that we don’t cause a tear in the time continuum, grab the list of Top Ten Things Not to Do.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First ‘I Love Lucy’ Show in 1951

10 If you go with us, do not say out loud, “Lucy, you’ve got a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.” If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, the director will take you out back. (You see, Maxence, those words were never said by Ricky. He may have used ‘splain in another context but never that line. Now the director wants you to take a hike. No, he’s not going to film you.)

9 If you go with us, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, why he’s not playing Fred Mertz. If you do, at best, Tiny will be distracted by the catered lunch. At worst, Tiny, who paid $50,000 for acting lessons and tried out for the part, will think you are mocking him. (Tiny did not get the part, Maxime because the director thought he was too menacing. She gave him the part of the night janitor instead. Not on screen but the actual night janitor. Oh yeah, here’s a message from Tiny. He wants to see you outside.)

8 If you go with us, do not bet anyone; the show will close after one performance. If you do, at best, you’ll only bet a dollar. At worse, you put up the Olds title. (Well, Maxton, this could have been not good if we hung around for another week. The “I Love Lucy’ show went on for six seasons with 181 episodes. Since you put the Olds up as collateral, it is a good thing we can leave before the bet is decided. Go warm it up since we only have six more things to cover, then we are outa here.)

7 If you go with us, do not make comments on how the show is filmed or the cast. If you do, at best, the pre-production noise will drown you out. At worst, cinematographer Karl Freund will hear you. (You now have Karl’s attention, Mayhew. He was the first to film a TV show in 35mm film with multiple cameras that moved. Freund also invented the flat lighting techniques used for filming TV shows. This technique eliminated shadows on the set. He thinks you are critical of the way he is doing things. He has a way to gain satisfaction, though. His second will be calling on you in the morning. You have experience in fencing, right?)

6 If you go with us, do not discuss the future success of the show. If you do, at best, everyone will be working and not hear you. At worst, the numbers you quote will probably cause all the actors to freeze. (After all, Maynor knowing the show would get five Emmys and have 40 million viewers in syndication would scare anybody. It looks like Ms. Ball wants a word with you, and she doesn’t look happy.)

5 If you go with us, do not point out that William Frawley and Vivan Vance do not speak to each other off-camera. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, the director will think you are from the media. (It is well known around the studio that the two do not get along, Medus. The director wants to make sure you are not going to write about it. I think he will let you out of this closet if you double dog guarantee you are not a journalist.)

4 If you go with us, do not wear your anti-tobacco t-shirt to the production. If you do, at best, it can be covered with a coat. At worst, the executive from Phillip Morris, the sponsor of the show, will spot you. (In the early days of television, Medus, the sponsors of shows often dictated content and frequency. Phillip Morris insisted the show be weekly instead of every other week, and Lucy and Desi desired. It looks like two huge guys are headed your way.)

3 If you go with us, do not suggest doing the show without an audience. If you do, at best. Lucille will not hear you. At worst, Lucille will think you are a TV critic. ( It was Lucille’s idea to use a live audience instead of canned laughter, Medwyn. She wanted the show’s spontaneous reaction to come through. She is now telling Tiny to help you out. Tell him where you came in, quick. Otherwise, he might not be fussy about using a door.)

2 If you go with us, do not mention re-run in front of Desi. If you do, at best, he will be talking to the director and miss what you say. At worse, he will think you are an industry spy. (Here’s the deal, Mehrdad. After the first year of the show, Lucy became pregnant and could not keep up with the weekly schedule. Since the show was shot in 35 mm film, Desi decided to air previous episodes from the first year to give lucy a break. The audience loved it and so the re-run was born. Desi set up the first syndicated re-run system which is still used today. BTW Desi wants to talk.)

1 If you go with us, do not suggest that ‘I Love Lucy’ become a radio show as well as television. If you do, at best everyone will think you are joking. At worse, someone will take you up on it ( A show was produced, Meinke. It was a compilation of the audio part of “Breaking the Lease” episode of the TV show. It never aired since Phillip Morris decided to sponsor “My Little Margie” instead.)

If you would like to hear some of the show here is a link for 8 minutes of it.

https://www.oldtimeradiodownloads.com/comedy/i-love-lucy/breaking-the-lease-1952-02-26