Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of the VW Mini-Bus in 1950

March 8, 2021March 7, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

Today marks the 71st anniversary of the introduction of the VW bus from then West Germany. We certainly want to go and capture the moment. We need to get into James’s Oldsmobile and take our list of things not to do to avoid a tear in the time continuum. So let’s get going.

James’s Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop

10 If you go, do not ask if you can replace the emblem on the hood (bonnet) with a peace symbol. If you do, at best, the engineers will be too busy to answer. At worst, Ferdinand Porsche will escort you to his office. (Ferdinand is the brains behind the original VW, Mate. He is very interested in why the peace symbol. Of course, if you tell him that the bus will represent counter-culture, he may faint.)

9 If you go, do not attempt to avoid a sales pitch given by the head of sales, Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will be giving pitches to others. At worst, Tiny, who just completed an intensive sales training course where he was told not to take “no” for an answer, will view you as a challenge. (The way Tiny handles challenges, Mathieu is to eliminate them. His favorite method is the helicopter spin. Looks like his engine is getting warmed up. Bon voyage.)

8 If you go, do not mention the Westfalia camper to the engineers. If you do, at best, they will laugh you to St. Louis. At worst, the engineers will wonder where you got the idea. (So you’ve blown your cover, Matin. The Westfalia wasn’t introduced to the US until 1956. Those engineers are calling the police. They think you are an alien who is better than a time traveler.)

7 If you go, do not describe Woodstock after a few beers with the VW crowd. If you do, at best, they will think it’s the beer talking. At worst, they will all want to go. (Good luck, Matthieu. You are now on the hook for an event that is 19 years in the future. There is not enough room in the Olds to take you all there. I think you better make up something quick. These guys look a little irritated.)

6 If you go, do not sing the song ‘Convoy’ to describe the VW participation. If you do, at best, most will walk away. At worst, some will find it a bit confusing. (You see, Matvey the song refers to the long-haired sons of Jesus in a micro mini bus. These guys know the VW as the Type 2 or Transporter. Mni-buswas the common term. I think you better explain before any blood vessels are blown. These are german engineers after all.)

5 If you go, do not talk about the VW bus in the TV series ‘Lost.’ If you do, at best no one will be interested. At worst, everyone will want to hear the story. (Sad thing is, Maurizio. You don’t know the whole story, just that a 1968 VW bus was discovered on the survivor’s tropical island. They are all looking at you. I would invent something. Quick.)

4 If you go, do not describe the collectible feature of the Mini-Bus. If you do, at best they will think you are lying. At worst, the engineers will want proof. (You are in a pickle, Marry. Yes the 1967 Samba van used on That 70’s show sold for $121,000. How are you going to prove that. Aren’t you glad you opened your mouth?”

3 If you go, do not call the factory price of a minivan cheap. If you do, at best people will think they misunderstood. At worst, you’ll get into an argument with the biggest guy in the building. (The $2,200 cost is equivalent to about $23,800 today, Mawrth. For comparison, the average car cost about the same $2,200 or about 66.6 percent of the annual household income. So there was little room for price increases.)

2 If you go, do not ask them to take out some seats to make room for your sleeping bag. If you do, at best, they will ignore you. At worst, they’ll call the cops. (Remember this is 1950, Maxfield. People didn’t sleep in their transportation back then. This is not a travel trailer. The badges have arrived. You explain to them what you asked for.)

1 If you go, do not show the engineers a photo of the 1963 Light Bus painted by Bob Grmm. If you do, at best, they will pass out. At worst, they will want you to tell them how to find Bob Grimm. (you have to understand, Maximus. This is their baby and that photo is shocking to see. Looks like they are rounding up a posse. I think I would hit the road.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Creation of the Colorado Territory in 1861

March 1, 2021March 7, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

This week marks the 160th anniversary of the establishment of the Colorado territory in 1861. Normally on our time travel, we go to the point of the historic anniversary. Since the actual establishment was done in Congress and there is the potential of catching a rash when we go near Washington, we will travel to Colorado. We want to observe how the population is taking the news. Since most of the Colorado people are involved one way or another in gold mining, we will be seeing a lot of miners. We don’t want to cause a tear in the time continuum, so we need to have our list handy.

James Wainwright’s 1956 Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop. You should read this one on Amazon. Just click the car to go there. Hurry back.

10 If you go, do not stand in a minor’s claim on Pike’s Peak. If you do, at best, the miner will be at the saloon. At worst, you’ll be taken for a claim jumper. (You know how it is, Marlin. These guys are jumpy around strangers. That shotgun looks like it’s loaded. might be time to go.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, if he ever played for the Denver Broncos. If you do, at best, he will be busy panning for gold. At worst, he will think you are teasing him. (Tiny has missed that last seven group sessions on positive self-image, Marlyssa. He thinks you are wondering if he ever played with horses and has taken offense. Don’t worry, the way down isn’t very long. Oops didn’t know he was tossing you off of Pike’s Peak.)

8 If you go, do not ask the saloon keep for a Mountain Brewed Coors. If you do, at best, he’ll just wait on someone else. At worst, he’ll deploy the famous mallet that he keeps behind the bar. (You see Marq, Adolf Coors began brewing beer in 1873, so the saloon keeper never heard of it. Like Tiny, he can’t believe he doesn’t know something, so your head being kissed by the mallet explains it all.)

7 If you go, do not ask for a cheeseburger at the local restaurant. If you do, at best, no one will know what you mean. At worst, you’ll be served something you can’t identify. (The reason is, Marquise, although you heard the cheeseburger was invented in Denver, it wasn’t until 1935. Go ahead and eat that ground cheese.)

6 If you go, do not ask for directions to the rodeo. If you do, at best, you’ll get puzzled looks. At worst, those you ask will wonder where you call home. (Although the first rodeo was held in Deer trail, Colorado, in 1869, Marsh, you are a little ahead of your time. A couple of those roughnecks are wondering if you are going to ride that bull. Saying no does not look like an option.)

5 If you go, do not ask if anyone found a gold nugget. If you do, at best, folks will think you are nuts. At worst, they may think you are a con man. (The largest piece of gold found in Colorado was a 156 troy-ounce ( 10.76 pounds) piece of pocket gold found by Tom Groves in 1887 in Breckenridge. Most of the Denver area’s gold was placer gold in small pieces or dust, Mattainn. Looks like the Sherrif wants to talk to you.)

4 If you go, do not mention the total output of all the mines in Colorado. If you do, at best, they won’t believe you. At worst, they will think you are from another planet. (You should have kept your mouth shut, Martinien. Telling everyone that total gold production from the area would be over 1,155 tons made you look like an idiot. Here comes a gang of well-wishers with torches. Hope you like rail riding with tar and feathers.)

3 If you go, do not try to sell Pike’s Peak or Bust t-shirts. If you do, at best, no one will be interested. At worst, you’ll sell hundreds. (You now have a big problem, Marven. The T-shirt was not invented until after 1898, when the Navy issued them as standard underwear. How are you going to find someone to make them? I think you better give refunds pronto.)

2 If you go, do not do any strenuous exercise until you are used to the altitude. If you do, at best, you’ll just faint. At worst, you’ll get a case of altitude sickness. (You don’t want to fall off a mountain, Masoud. That first step can be a long one. Can you scream for 10,000 feet?)

1 If you go, do not argue with anyone about being able to stand where four states come together. If you do, at best, there is no money placed on a bet. At worst, your new BMW is now owned by a grisly miner. (It is possible to be in more than two states at the same time, Matchithew. In Colorado’s southwest corner, the state borders three others, Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah. The Four Corners Monument is where to stand in Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah at the same time. I wonder how that guy is going to get your BMW. It is sitting back in 2021. No, he’s not coming with us.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on National Margarita Day (Which is Today)

February 22, 2021February 28, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 87 Comments

It is National Margarita Day today, and I would be remiss in allowing that kind of day to pass without providing some helpful advice. The top ten list won’t help prevent a time continuum disruption, but it might keep you out of jail.

10 On Margarita Day, do not begin the celebrations with breakfast. If you do, at best, you are still working at home and have no meetings. At worst, by ten o’clock, it is clear on your Zoom calls that something is amiss. (Your boss keeps asking you to be quiet, Mar. Might be a tip-off that the old tequila friendship is about to go south.)

9 On Margarita Day, do not stand between Tiny, the WWF champ, and his first margarita. If you, at best, he will go around you. At worst, he’ll think of you as a strip of asphalt. (When you get up off the floor, Marceau, do yourself a favor and go sit in the corner. Tiny has skipped several of his anger management classes, and he looks like he is one margarita over the line.)

8 On Margarita Day, do not ask for a virgin margarita. If you do, at best, the bartender will think you are kidding. At worst, the server will give you what is thought to be the right drink. (After your lips unpucker, Marcellin, and your hair returns to its normal flat on your head position, you will realize you were given a glass of pure lime juice. The thought was you were deficient in vitamin c.)

7 On Margarita Day, do not forget to tip the mariachi band. If you do, at best, they will play across the room. At worse, they will keep playing next to you until you cough up a tip. (You see, Marcely, this is how they make their living. If you don’t tip, they won’t get paid. No, a quarter is not enough.)

6 On Margarita Day, do not think you have to eat one taco for every margarita. If you do, at best, you’ll only have two. At worst, you managed to eat six tacos and drink six margaritas. (You don’t have much to worry about, Mardel. In a few minutes, your taco’s and Margarita’s will be joining each other in what is called a technicolor yawn.)

5 On Margarita Day, do not challenge everyone to guess which plant tequila comes from. If you do, at best, the room is too noisy for anyone to hear you. At worst, everyone knows it is the blue agave. (Don’t look now, Mardon, but people are starting to move away from you. Try not to go to your next quiz on agave nectar.

4 On Margarita Day, do not challenge everyone to a tequila shooter contest. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, someone will take you up on it. (Just your luck, Mariam, you have challenged the only guy in the room who has an immunity to the effects of alcohol. I see you are starting to drool and calling for the tender bar. It might be time to capitulate while you are still conscious.)

3 On Margarita Day, do not bother the bartender with your recipe for the perfect margarita. If you do, at best, they may be too busy to listen. At worst, they have been instructed to make the margaritas according to the house formula. (I can see they are getting a little irritated with you, Marino. If those daggers coming from the eyes are an indication of displeasure, just take the margarita as offered and go away.)

2 On Margarita Day, do not go into the health risks of salt on the rim. If you do, at best, the bartender will not be listening. At worst, the bartender is a very busy person right now. (They want to know with or without salt, Marji. Any other information is likely to earn you the status of cut-off.)

1 On Margarita Day, do not even think of having a good time with your margaritas and then getting behind the wheel. If you do, at best, someone will stop you. At worst is not something any of us want to think about. (Get out of that car, Marland before someone gets hurt. Let me call you a cab, and don’t say, “Okay, I’m a cab.”)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at The First Trainload of Oranges to Leave Los Angles in 1886

February 8, 2021February 7, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

This week marks the 135th anniversary of the first trainload of oranges to leave Los Angles for Eastern markets in 1886. The town of LA only had 11,000 inhabitants when the oranges were shipped. Mostly farmers and workers on farms tending the massive orchards around the city. We can’t pass up the opportunity to go west again when LA was young. This time we need to take a look at the agricultural side of things. As usual, we need to take our list of things not to do so that we don’t cause a problem in the time continuum. Let’s all get in James’s Oldsmobile. I call shotgun.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at The First Trainload of Oranges to Leave Los Angles in 1886

10 If you go, do not show your “Save the Colorado River” shirt. If you do, at best, you’ll get a quizzical look. At worst, one of the farmers will ask you what it means. (You see, Manawydan in the 1880s irrigation was mostly tapped from the hills. It wasn’t until 1941 that the Colorado River Viaduct routed water to LA from the Parker Dam 250 miles away. So right now, there are no arguments about water from the river. That farmer looks like he likes you.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, if you can have an orange. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be listening. At worst, Tiny will think you are trying to steal oranges. (Tiny was told by the bosses to be on the lookout for orange rustlers, Manfried. He was told to show no mercy. This, coupled with Tiny’s sociopath tendencies, means you will experience Tiny’s famous drop hold. Yeah, that’s a drop like in fall for ten feet. Maybe the concrete isn’t the best landing spot.)

8 If you go, do not sing Carol King’s song about the Earth moving under your feet. If you do, at best, everyone will be watching the oranges being loaded. At worst, the local sheriff will wonder what you are trying to accomplish. (Earthquakes have been recorded in the Los Angles area as early as 1812 in the Ventura area. These guys don’t take moving Earth Lightly, Manley. I think the Sheriff wants to talk to you.)

7 If you go, do not mention frozen or orange juice in a can. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, you’ll be overheard by a farmer. (Now you’ve done it, Mannie. Orange juice was first canned in the 1920s as a way to take up the slack posed by too much fruit being grown. As fresh fruit ages, its taste begins to deteriorate. It was thought by canning it, the abundant stocks could be saved and sold. You have to hope the guy you told is the one who came up with the idea. Otherwise, you have altered the time continuum.)

6. If you go, do not ask for a screwdriver. If you do, at best, you’ll get a tool. At worst, you will be asked to explain what you mean. (Given that Los Angles has plenty of oranges, Manny it seems natural that a little vodka could be added. Unfortunately for you, such a drink was not invented until the late 40s. Two stories exist about that invention. The first story is that American oil workers living in Saudi Arabia would add vodka to their orange juice and stir it with a screwdriver since spoons were in short supply. The second story is U.S. Marines came up with the drink and named it. In any case, you are way ahead of your time.)

5 If you go, do not suggest making orange sherbet. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, the entire crew will enthusiastically ask you to do it. (The use of ice and salt to enhance the making of frozen deserts came to America in the 18th century, Manolito. Orange sherbet is a natural. Get some ice, salt, milk, sugar, vanilla, and fresh orange juice, and you have it made. Of course, there is the arm breaking cranking of the ice cream machine. We’ll see you later.)

4 If you go, do not offer to go with the oranges to New York City. If you do, at best, you’ll be laughed out of the county. At worst, someone will let you get in a car. (I hope you have plenty of provisions Mansfield. It will take over three weeks for a freight train to make the trip. An express passenger trip can be made in 84 hours via the new Transcontinental line.)

3 If you go, do not ask the farmers about Florida oranges. If you do, at best, the tractor noise will drown out your question. At worse, the biggest farmer will hear you. (Since the beginning of time, Manuelo, there has been a rivalry between Florida and California. You now will see how the big Californian Farmer feels about his oranges.)

2 If you go, do not take bets on how many pounds of oranges will be produced in 2021. If you do, at best, everyone will think you have lost your head. At worst, you’ll have no way to pay the bet since it will be 135 years in the future. (Be that as it may, Manvil. If someone guessed 25 billion pounds, they are a winner. I think you should give everyone their money back.)

1 If you go, do not argue with anyone about the original source of the sweet orange. If you do, at best, they won’t care. At worst, you will argue with someone who wants to win. (The original source for the sweet orange was China, Manzo. They were brought to America in the 1500s by the Spanish explorers. You need to go and offer that guy who is sharpening his knife an apology since that was his position. Yeah, maybe you ought to let him coll off a while. Here have an orange.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Martin Luther King Jr. Day

January 18, 2021January 15, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

It has been 93 years since Martin Luther King Jr was born. Today we celebrate his birth, although the actual day was January 15th. Today’s Top Ten is a focus on just one thing not to do. Do not hate your neighbor and take a lesson from Dr. King’s non-violent approach to change.

I wish for a day of peace that will become so comfortable that it extends into a week, then a month, then a year. Who knows? It could last a lifetime.

Let’s hope Dr. King’s example serves to guide our behavior going forward.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on National Spaghetti Day

January 4, 2021January 3, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 125 Comments

Normally I would be doing a post on a historical event but this week was pretty slow in the History department. (Sorry, Susannah and Andrew) It just so happens that today is National Spaghetti Day. So I thought it would be fun to lay out some things not to do in celebration of spaghetti day.

Top Ten things Not to Do on Spaghetti Day

10 If you celebrate, do not wear white. If you do, at best, the sauce will be alfredo. At worse, you will be served a big bowl of sausage and basil. (good move, Martyn. You now look like the subject in a Lizzy Bordon reenactment.)

9 If you celebrate, do not reach for Tiny the WWF champ’s bowl of spaghetti. If you do, at best, have a $20 bill handy. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped several group sessions on his food aggression treatment plan, will grab your arm. (Looks like Tiny wants to separate you from the bowl, Malcolm. I think to drop it while your hand still works is good advice.)

8 If you celebrate, do not try to substitute Bucatini for spaghetti. If you do, at best, no one will see you make the switch. At worst, you’ll be having dinner with Guido Barilla. (You must understand, Marston. Guido is the president of Barilla pasta and does not take kindly to anyone fooling with his spaghetti. Looks like he has called his friend with the big car to take you home. Maybe.)

7 If you celebrate, do not toss your spaghetti against the wall to test for doneness. If you do, at best, you are in your own house. At worse, you are visiting your in-law’s new house. (I guess it goes without saying, Macauley, that the idea of spaghetti on the wall of a new house won’t be well received. I see your father in law going to his gun safe. That can’t be good.)

6 If you celebrate, do not try to twirl your spaghetti on a fork if you don’t know how. If you do, at best, you will be able to fit it in your mouth. At worst, you will be faced with a twirl the size of your head. (Now, what are you going to do, Maverick. You can’t fit it in your mouth, and there is no way to untwirl it. Might want to see if anyone wants to play basketball.)

5 If you celebrate, Do not think el dente means raw. If you do, at best, no one will show up for your meal. At worst, your guests all decide to go to the spaghetti house for dinner. (Seems a shame they all left you, Miska. That advice to read the box cooking directions was especially hurtful. )

4 If you celebrate, do not try to serve Five-Way Chili as an authentic spaghetti original. If you do, at best, there will be no spaghetti experts at the meal. At worse, you have invited Bobby Flay to dinner. (So what are you going to do now, Mace? Bobby keeps looking at his bowl of chili over spaghetti as if there should be more. I think carry out might be the best option.)

3 If you celebrate, do not try a new goat sweetbread pasta recipe. If you do, at best, your guests love sweetbreads. At worst, all your guests have to leave early. (The sad part, Mikhael, is your guests are all together in the ER. I don’t think you should join them for an after-dinner drink. It is ipecak all around)

2 If you celebrate, do not try to serve spaghetti for dessert. If you do, at best, you make it sweet. At worse, you’ll serve up your garlic special. (If your guests haven’t left by now, Mablevi. This concoction of spaghetti and garlic will drive them from the room. No, that chocolate sauce just makes it worse.)

1 If you celebrate, do not make funny animal pictures on everyone’s plate out of the spaghetti. If you do, at best, the sauce will cover them. At worst, your guests will slowly get the feeling that they should leave. (Funny thing about adults, Macbeth. Not many like having their food manipulated into characters. It’s that uncomfortable feeling about not knowing where your hands have been. Oh yes, and that spaghetti giraffe is positively creepy.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Lighting of the First National Christmas Tree at the White House by Calvin Coolidge in 1923

December 21, 2020December 20, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

This post ran last year at this time. Since the history news is pretty light this week, I decided to run it again. Wishing you a terrific Holiday.

This week marks the anniversary of the lighting of the first national Christmas tree on the White House grounds by Calvin Coolidge on Christmas Eve in 1923. The tree was a balsam fir from Vermont and stood 48 feet high. It was also the first time electricity was used to light the green and red bulbs. In the spirit of the season, we need to go there and take part in the ceremony. Don’t forget to pack this list. We don’t want any accidents in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Lighting of the First National Christmas Tree in 1923.

10 If you go, do not start singing “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.” If you do, at best, everyone will believe you were overserved with Wassel. At worst, you’ll raise questions about this thing called “rock.” (Now you’ve done it, Julius. You are singing a song released in 1958, and trust me, brother, you are no Brenda Lee.)

9 If you go, do not ignore the warnings of Tiny, the WWF champ, to stay behind the ropes. If you do, at best, you’ll get a shove that will return you to behind the lines. At worst, Tiny, who missed his last five self-esteem group meetings, will take personal offense that you didn’t listen to him. (Don’t worry, Jamal. Tiny will tire of spinning you above his head and give you a toss. Good thing, there is snow on the ground. Oh, I didn’t see that rock where you landed. That had to have hurt.)

8 If you go, do not mess with the extension cord running from the White House to the tree. If you do, at best only the tree lights will go out. At worst, you will be the cause of the East Coast grid going down. (How embarrassing for Mr. Coolidge. Here he wanted to do something beautiful for the country, and instead, the population is shivering in their dark hovels on Christmas. I couldn’t have invented a more “Grinch stole Christmas” story if I tried, Jon. Thanks.)

7 If you go, do not take more than one sugar cookie. If you do, at best, some others will not want theirs. At worst, you will have eaten a cookie that would have marked the difference between a joyous Christmas and a dismal one for a sweet child. Wow another story, Joey. You are some muse.)

6 If you go, do not think you can join the Epiphany Church choir in singing Christmas carols. If you do, at best, the members will drown you out. At worst, you’ll take a solo part causing multiple shatterings of the White House Waterford crystal. (Talk about not being invited back next year, Jermaine. Mrs. Coolidge is in tears, and Calvin looks like he is going to explode.)

5 If you go, do not forget to take a gift. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worse, Calvin will let you know that all the presents received are being given to the orphanage. (You might want to run down to the five and dime and pick something up, Jax. No, taking one from the plie just won’t cut it.)

4 If you go, do not remove one of the 2500 bulbs on the tree, thinking it would make a great souvenir. If you do, at best, no one will miss it. At worst, once you remove the bulb, the rest go dark. (This is 1923, Jeffery. Way before the invention of the parallel circuit light string where the others stay lit. )

3 If you go, do not forget to take off your wet boots before traipsing through the White House. If you do, at best, others will too. At worst, the head custodian of the White House will make sure you clean up the mess. (Also, Jefferson, the head custodian, is Tiny’s brother, Bigen. It looks like you will be mopping floors for a very long time.)

2 If you go, do not think you can take an ornament off the inside tree. If you do, at best security will let you put it back. At worst, you will be charged with attempting to steal government property. (Benjamin Harrison was the first to set up a tree in the White House in 1889. You just managed to grab one of the original ornaments, Jarrod. This just may be a capital crime. At least Calvin thinks so.)

1 If you go, do not bring out your “Save the Trees” protest sign. If you do, at best, you’ll get raised eyebrows. At worst, Calvin will ask the Marine Band to play some traveling music while the secret service escorts you to Pennsylvania Avenue. (Nothing like a grand exit, Jules. You certainly will be talked about, especially since you caught your trousers on the iron fence after being tossed over. The hit song Moon over Pennsylvania captured the moment.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Reaching the South Pole for the First Time with Roald Amundsen in 1911

December 14, 2020December 13, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 90 Comments

Amundsen Party, 1911. Photo by unidentified

This week marks the 109th anniversary of explorer Roald Amundsen’s successful mission to be the first to reach the South Pole. Although it might be a might chilly, we should go there and experience what it is like. Let’s be sure to take a list of the things not to do to prevent a tear in the time continuum. We will be toasty in James’s Oldsmobile on the way there. I would dress warmly since it is fifteen below zero F (-26.1 C) right now.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Reaching the South Pole for the First Time with Roald Amundsen in 1911

10 If you go, do not mention Robert Peary’s expedition to the North Pole in 1909. If you do, at best, no one cared. At worst, you mentioned it to Roald Amundsen himself. (I guess no one filled you in, Marcel. Roald was all set to take off for the North Pole when Peary beat him to it. That’s why he went to the South Pole. I don’t know if it means anything, but he’s asking you to get out of the dog sled and walk.)

9 If you go, do not try to move into Tiny the WWF champ’s tent. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be there. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped his last few court-mandated group sessions on anger management, thinks you are taking his property. (Don’t worry about the landing this time, Matthias. The snow is fresh and quite soft this time of year.)

8 If you go, do not suggest to Roald that you think power sledges would be better than sled dog arrangements. If you do, at best, he will be busy and not hear you. At worst, he will think your suggestion is meant to sabotage the expedition. (He heard that Robert F. Scott, his competitor, was using Siberian motor sledges, Siberian ponies, and dogs. Of course, he would have no way of knowing that Scott failed. He now thinks you are a spy, Myles.)

7 If you go, Do not make jokes about yellow snow. If you do, at best, your fellow explorers have already heard them. At worse, Roald will overhear you. (now you’ve done it, Montgomery. Roald now thinks you are an idiot. I hope he doesn’t ask where you came from.)

6 If you go, do not ask how much the expedition cost. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worse, you’ll ask Roald Amundsen. ( the problem is, Murray Roald had to mortgage his house to make up the expense shortfall. He is totally in debt and is not happy with the question. Quick, ask him about his birthday.)

5 If you go, do not question what you are eating. If you do, at best, everyone will avoid the question. At worse, the cook will explain exactly what you are eating. (Due to the scarcity of protein, Marcelo. You are eating meat from the weakest dog. Yes, it had to be done, and don’t make a fuss about your Keto diet doesn’t include dog meat.)

4 If you go, do not ask about the earlier expedition in September. If you do, at best, everyone will walk away. At worst, you’ll ask Amundsen. ( Well, Marlon, this is a sore spot with Amundsen. It seems against the advice of his fellow explorers, he started out for the Pole too early. The September temperatures almost did the party in. They were lucky to get back to their base camp. Being a proud man, Amundsen doesn’t like to be reminded of his failures. He now wonders what to do with you.)

3 If you go, do not ask anyone to repeat the dark mirage story. If you do, at best, you’ll get no takers. At worst, Amundsen catches wind of your inquiry. (Around December 12th, 1911, Mickey the group spied what appeared to be a dark object on the horizon. They were all concerned until it was discovered to be their own dog droppings magnified by a mirage. Amundsen is warning you to forget the story. He’s the boss.)

2 If you go, do nor ask if the men are certain of the location of the South Pole. If you do, at best, you’ll get a yes. At worst, you will also face the ire of Amundsen. (You see, Marten, Amundsen spent three days calculation the location of the pole. He is most certain. He now wants you to step outside with ut your coat. You don’t want to do that.)

1 If you go, do not ask the fate of second-place finisher, Robert F. Scott. At best, no one will know. At worst, you might be tempted to spill the beans. (Of course, you know, Makoto that Scott reached the South Pole on January 17th, more than a month after Amundsen. You also know Scott, and his party died on the way back to their base camp after reaching the Pole. If you don’t ask, you won’t be tempted to cause a tear in the time continuum.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First American Motor Car Race in 1895

November 23, 2020November 29, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 90 Comments

Frank Duryea – Duryea Wagon Company Wikipedia Image

This week is the 125th anniversary of the first automobile race in the US. The race took place in Chicago and was a 50 mile round trip between Chicago and Evanston. We should go and at least witness the finish. Don’t forget to take a list of things not to do to protect the time continuum. We will need James’ Oldsmobile, so climb in, and we’ll be off.

James’s 1956 Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop

Top Ten things Not to Do at the First Motor Car Race in the US in 1895

10 Do not complain when only six of the 89 racers entered actually made it to the starting line. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worse, you’ll be overheard by the editor of the Chicago Times-Herald, the sponsor of the race. ( It seems he is not in a good mood, Miikka. A freak snowstorm dumped ten inches of snow and prevented the other starters from showing up. I see he is handing you a snow shovel. Good luck clearing the first 25 miles.)

9 Do not tell Tiny, the WWF champ, that you would like to ride in his entry. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you above the engine noise. At worst, since he has to have a race official riding with him, he will assume you are trying to overweight his vehicle. (It is easy to explain a perceived slight away with Tiny. Of course, you have to allow him to toss you at least ten feet, Miklos. I know the landing isn’t always perfect.)

8 Do not place your money on the electric car entries. If you do, at best, you only bet what you could afford to lose. At worst, you put up the deed to your ranch. (You see, Millard. The two electrics that made the starting line had battery failure after a few minutes. So much for supporting green technology. It will be interesting to see you explain away a deed from 2019.)

7 Do not mention to the race organizer that you figure the race to last at least an hour. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are kidding. At worst, he’ll think you are drunk. (Although the race was only fifty miles, Milos took over ten hours for the first-place finisher to arrive. I noticed the organizer is pointing you out to a couple of Keystone cops. It might be a long night.)

6 Do not try to sell advertising to the first Benz team. If you do, at best, they will laugh. At worst, they’ll tell their sponsor, Macy’s of New York. (Don’t look now, Min, but I think that is a Pinkerton private investigator looking at you. I’m sure the Macy’s wonder what you are up to by soliciting their driver.)

5 Do not ask where you can get a Bud Lite. If you do, at best, someone will think you are talking about a candle. At worst, you’ll ask a guy named Bud. (Good going, Minoru. Bud thinks you are mocking him, and now he wants satisfaction. He talks about a bare knuckle fight. I hope you have some boxing experience.)

4 Do not predict that one of the three Benz cars will be the winner. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst you’ll make the prediction to Frank Duryea. (Nice move, Misha. Frank was the winner of the race in a car that he and his brother built. He is not happy with you,, so don’t try to get a selfie with him and his car.)

3 Do not belittle the $2000 dollar first prize for the winner. If you do, at best people will think you nuts. At worst, the sponsor will be highly up set. (That $2000 in 1898 is equivalent to over $60,000 in today’s dollars, Miska. That kind of money didn’t grow on trees. The sponsor has decided to toss you out. Good sailing.

2 Do not wait around for the second place finisher. If you do at best someone will buy you a drink. At worst, you’ll miss dinner waiting. (The second place car came in two hours later than the first, Mjolnir. It was a Benz and was the only other care to finish.)

1 Do not congratulate Mr. Macy on his car’s finish. If you do, at best he’ll not hear you. At worst, he will think you are putting him on. You see, Modi. The Macy sponsored Benz collided with a streetcar on the way to Evanston and with a sleigh and then a horse drawn hack on the return trip. It never made it back.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Debut of the First Stock Ticker in 1867

November 16, 2020November 15, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

This week marks the 153rd anniversary of the debut of the first stock ticker in 1867. The ticker was invented by Edward Calahan, who configured a telegraph machine to deliver stock prices on a thin strip of paper. Whether you care about stocks or not, we have to visit New York and take a look at this thing. While we are there, maybe we can look around and see what the city was like at that time. Jump in James’s Olds, and we’ll be off. Oh, as a reminder, grab this list so that you won’t inadvertently do something to cause a tear in the time continuum. Who wants a shotgun?

10 If you go, do not ask the operator for the price of the Consolidated Edison Stock. If you do, at best, he won’t understand you. At worst, he’ll think you are making up a name. (Sure Consolidated Edison is the oldest stock on the exchange, Min, but in 1867, it was named The New York Gas Light Company. The name change came in 1936. Don’t look now, but the operator is talking to that policeman over there.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, how his stocks are doing. If you do, at best, Tiny will be distracted. At worse, Tiny, who has missed several Personal Empowerment group sessions mandated by the court, will think you are asking a trick question. (Tiny does not have any stock, Minoru, and he thinks less of himself as a result. When he thinks less of himself, he likes to do things to others, making them feel less. I think you are about to go on a short helicopter ride with no helicopter.)

8 If you go, do not ask about a ticker-tape parade. If you do, at best, the operator will be engrossed in work. At worst, you will get a puzzled look. (The first ticker-tape Parade happened in 1886 to mark the opening of the Statue of Liberty, Misha. Right now, the operator is wondering what the heck is a ticker. That term was only applied to the symbol tape machine in later years and reflected the machine’s sound.)

7 If you go, do not ask for directions to Tiffanys. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll ask Alexander Turney Stewart, the father of the department store. (Stewart founded a store called the Marble Palace in 1846, Miska. He then built what is accepted as the first department store in 1862, which tool up a city block and was eight stories high. He is now wondering why you want to visit a place that only sells jewelry. Telling him, you just want to have breakfast there is not cutting any ice with him.)

6 If you go, do not ask if Central Park is safe. If you do, at best, no one will understand your question. At worst, you will ask Frederick Law Olmstead, one of the architects of the park. (Frederick, along with Calvert Vaux, came up with their “Greensward Plan,” which laid out the park to be a rural oasis in the heart of the city, Mjolnir. The park opened in 1859 and has about 2,000,000 visitors a year in 1867. Fredrick has taken offense to your question and looks like he will slap you with a glove. I think I would duck if I were you.)

5 If you go, do not ask for directions to Studio 54. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, you will ask Owney Geoghegan ex bare-knuckle boxing champ. (Owney opened up a sporting house at 103 Bowery known as “The Bastille of the Bowery,” in 1864, Modi. He now wants to know all about this Studio 54 business. He is willing to show you his bare-knuckle technique for the information.)

4 If you go, do not ask for directions to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. If you do, at best, you might get directions out of town. At worst, you might ask John Taylor Johnston, a railroad executive, and the first president. (The museum opened in 1872, Mohsen, so I think John wants to ask you a couple of questions about how you came to know about it. I don’t think he sees you knowing as a positive.)

3 If you go, do not ask if the city politicians are honest. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, you’ll ask William Tweed, known as Boss Tweed. (I think you are in for a rough time, Monroe. You see, Tweed and his cronies swindled New York out of millions and were finally convicted of forgery and larceny in 1873. That doesn’t help you right now, though. That bucket of cement you are standing in looks a little suspicious.)

2 If you go, do not wonder aloud why The New York Herald does not have an evening edition. (Like you. would) If you do, at best, you’ll get lots of shrugs. At worst, you’ll ask Founded by James Gordon Bennett. (James founded The Evening Telegram in 1867, Montague. He is surprised you don’t know about his newspaper. Get ready for a two-hour lecture.)

1 If you go, do not ask about the absence of skyscrapers in the city. If you do, at best, no one will know what a skyscraper is. At worst, you’ll ask Bradford Gilbert. (Brad was the architect of the first skyscraper in NYC named the Tower Building, Montay. You see, buildings made of brick were limited to height. Brad used structural steel as his building’s skeleton and allowed it’s height to reach ten stories. Yes, Brad is looking at you funny since he has been dealing with the problem for years.)