This week marks the 102nd anniversary of the end of World War One. On the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month of 1918, the hostilities ended with the Armistice Agreement’s signing. Since that time, nations around the world observe the day with remembrance. Until June 1, 1954, November 11th was designated Armistice Day in the US. Armistice Day primarily honored those who participated in WWI. Since WWII and Korea had occurred, legislation was passed to rename Armistice Day Veterans Day, which then became a day to honor American veterans of all wars.
So the Top Ten Things Not to Do on Veterans Day all remain the same.
Do not forget to honor our veterans, both the living and those who are no longer with us. It is they who gave selfishly of themselves so that we may have the freedom we enjoy today.
This week, I honor, Major John Fremole Orlando Howell M.D, Lieutenant John Allen Howell, Lieutenant Thomas Wreesman, Warrant Officer James Sharp, and Gunnery Sergeant Bob Sharp. Each served their country in a time of war.
This was the weekend that we moved daughter into her new house. With all the work I did not have time to do an adequate job of a Top Ten Post. This post ran on October 29th, 2018. I hope if you missed it you will enjoy it. For those who have seen this one, next week will be better. Also, I’m over at Story Empire today talking about burnout. Here is the LINK
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This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with history as a backdrop. Harvard College, the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States, is founded in Cambridge, Mass on this day in 1636.
The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.
10 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not suggest a celebration with a kegger party. If you do, at best the kegger store will be closed. At worst, the administration will create a rule against keggers. (Congratulations, Fyodor. You are the first student at the college to be put on probation.)
9 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not pledge a fraternity where Tiny the WWF champ is a member. If you do, at best Tiny will flunk out before you get there. At worst, Tiny who was just criticized by the dean for necessary hazing had ordered you to bend over. (Let’s hope the dean lecture has not made Tiny even angrier, Frederick. Is that paddle as big as it looks?)
8 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not organize a demonstration protesting the dorm food. If you do, at best no one will join you. At worst, the college put you in charge of food procurement. (Looks like your fellow students are getting tired of squirrel stew, Falcon. I think I would try to raise a few vegetables if I were you.)
7 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not cut class on the first warm day. If you do, at best you can get notes from the nerd, At worst, your professor will pull a pop quiz that is 20% of the term grade. (No amount of begging is going to help, Fallon. I would go to the infirmary and see if you can con someone into an excuse.)
6 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize a football team. If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll find some players who are ready to play but can’t see a ball. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.)
5 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not go outside wearing that Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best no one will notice since Yale was founded in 1701. At worst, someone will take offense thinking Yale is an acronym for Young American Liquor Enterprise. (You have to understand the Puritan Ethic is still pretty strong, Fiorello. The time in the stocks will go fast. Think positive.)
4 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not fail to return your library book on time. If you do, at best the fine is only 1p a week. At worst, a press-gang will come looking for you. (It would have been easier to return the book, Ferril. Now you won’t get back to the College until your sea duty is over. Five years will go pretty quickly.)
3 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize the first co-ed dance. If you do, at best your fellow students will just laugh. At worst the administration will pass a rule prohibiting co-ed dancing. (Good luck finding a co-ed, Fabrice. The first sex-blind admissions were not until 1977. Oh, and you need to serve time on the dunking chair due to the rule violation. I hope those hold your breath contests come in handy.)
2 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not park your horse in the faculty parking lot. If you do, at best no one will need the space. At worst, professor Curmudgeon will alert campus security to shoot you on sight. (Never thought taking a tenured professor’s parking place was that big of a deal, huh Faddei. Those musket balls look like they would hurt.)
1 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not buy your books ahead of time at the used bookstore. If you do, at best you might save money. At worst, the professor will change the course text with no notice. (Well, looks like your used books will make an excellent fire starter, Fadil. Better luck next term)
This week marks the 69th anniversary of the first ‘I Love Lucy’ show on CBS television. This post was inspired by fellow blogger, author, and history buff Susannah.
The Olds from Eternal Road. There are only a few days left at 99¢ on Amazon. Click the car to go there. Come right back, though.
We cannot miss the first show, so let’s get in James 56 Olds and go there. So that we don’t cause a tear in the time continuum, grab the list of Top Ten Things Not to Do.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First ‘I Love Lucy’ Show in 1951
10 If you go with us, do not say out loud, “Lucy, you’ve got a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.” If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, the director will take you out back. (You see, Maxence, those words were never said by Ricky. He may have used ‘splain in another context but never that line. Now the director wants you to take a hike. No, he’s not going to film you.)
9 If you go with us, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, why he’s not playing Fred Mertz. If you do, at best, Tiny will be distracted by the catered lunch. At worst, Tiny, who paid $50,000 for acting lessons and tried out for the part, will think you are mocking him. (Tiny did not get the part, Maxime because the director thought he was too menacing. She gave him the part of the night janitor instead. Not on screen but the actual night janitor. Oh yeah, here’s a message from Tiny. He wants to see you outside.)
8 If you go with us, do not bet anyone; the show will close after one performance. If you do, at best, you’ll only bet a dollar. At worse, you put up the Olds title. (Well, Maxton, this could have been not good if we hung around for another week. The “I Love Lucy’ show went on for six seasons with 181 episodes. Since you put the Olds up as collateral, it is a good thing we can leave before the bet is decided. Go warm it up since we only have six more things to cover, then we are outa here.)
7 If you go with us, do not make comments on how the show is filmed or the cast. If you do, at best, the pre-production noise will drown you out. At worst, cinematographer Karl Freund will hear you. (You now have Karl’s attention, Mayhew. He was the first to film a TV show in 35mm film with multiple cameras that moved. Freund also invented the flat lighting techniques used for filming TV shows. This technique eliminated shadows on the set. He thinks you are critical of the way he is doing things. He has a way to gain satisfaction, though. His second will be calling on you in the morning. You have experience in fencing, right?)
6 If you go with us, do not discuss the future success of the show. If you do, at best, everyone will be working and not hear you. At worst, the numbers you quote will probably cause all the actors to freeze. (After all, Maynor knowing the show would get five Emmys and have 40 million viewers in syndication would scare anybody. It looks like Ms. Ball wants a word with you, and she doesn’t look happy.)
5 If you go with us, do not point out that William Frawley and Vivan Vance do not speak to each other off-camera. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, the director will think you are from the media. (It is well known around the studio that the two do not get along, Medus. The director wants to make sure you are not going to write about it. I think he will let you out of this closet if you double dog guarantee you are not a journalist.)
4 If you go with us, do not wear your anti-tobacco t-shirt to the production. If you do, at best, it can be covered with a coat. At worst, the executive from Phillip Morris, the sponsor of the show, will spot you. (In the early days of television, Medus, the sponsors of shows often dictated content and frequency. Phillip Morris insisted the show be weekly instead of every other week, and Lucy and Desi desired. It looks like two huge guys are headed your way.)
3 If you go with us, do not suggest doing the show without an audience. If you do, at best. Lucille will not hear you. At worst, Lucille will think you are a TV critic. ( It was Lucille’s idea to use a live audience instead of canned laughter, Medwyn. She wanted the show’s spontaneous reaction to come through. She is now telling Tiny to help you out. Tell him where you came in, quick. Otherwise, he might not be fussy about using a door.)
2 If you go with us, do not mention re-run in front of Desi. If you do, at best, he will be talking to the director and miss what you say. At worse, he will think you are an industry spy. (Here’s the deal, Mehrdad. After the first year of the show, Lucy became pregnant and could not keep up with the weekly schedule. Since the show was shot in 35 mm film, Desi decided to air previous episodes from the first year to give lucy a break. The audience loved it and so the re-run was born. Desi set up the first syndicated re-run system which is still used today. BTW Desi wants to talk.)
1 If you go with us, do not suggest that ‘I Love Lucy’ become a radio show as well as television. If you do, at best everyone will think you are joking. At worse, someone will take you up on it ( A show was produced, Meinke. It was a compilation of the audio part of “Breaking the Lease” episode of the TV show. It never aired since Phillip Morris decided to sponsor “My Little Margie” instead.)
If you would like to hear some of the show here is a link for 8 minutes of it.
Official poster of the 1st Cannes Film Festival illustrated by Leblanc
This week marks the 74th anniversary of the first Cannes Film Festival. We all want to go, I’m sure so let’s pile into the Olds and head back there. Do not forget the list, so we all can avoid a time continuum tear. All set. Let’s go.
James’ 1956 Oldsmobile from Eternal Road – The final stop
10 If you go, do not take that plastic water bottle with you. If you do, at best, everyone will be looking at movie stars and not see you. At worst, someone will observe your bottle and want one. (The problem is, Marion, the polyethylene terephthalate (PET) bottle was not invented until 1973. Now a person is yelling at you, demanding you tell them where you got the bottle. Oh-oh, A crowd and the gendarmes are headed your way.)
9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, if he knows any movie stars. If you do, at best, he is pals with Lon Chaney. At worst, he does not know one. (This simple question, Markell, has caused Tiny to regress from his last group session on self-esteem. Tiny will assume everyone knows stars, and he is the only one who doesn’t. Prepare yourself for Tiny’s new wrestle hold called “The Pretzel.”)
8 If you go, do not ask directions to Palais des Festivals. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, you will ask a member of the planning committee. (Since the Palais des Festivals which is the home of the festival, was not built until 1952, you are now outed as either a spy or an alien, Marley. I think spy might be a better choice since there is no war going on, so you won’t be shot.)
7 If you go, do not ask which movie got the Palme d’Or this year. If you do, at best you’ll get strange looks. At worst, you’ll ask a member of the provincial government of France. (It just so happens, Marlow, that the member was in several meetings where the idea of a new award was tossed around. The current prize is Grand Prix du Festival. You now need to explain yourself. Quickly)
6 If you go, do not try to speak French. If you do, at best, no one will laugh. At worst, your American accent will cause most to walk away. (You have to realize, Marmion, not everyone appreciates you trying to speak the local language. In fact, here comes a representative of Berlitz Language Schools at the request of the locals.)
5 If you go, do not give your opinion about any of the films. If you do, at best, people will think you are a jurist. At worst, you may be overheard by a legitimate jurist. ( Now you are in it, Marque. These folks do not take impersonating a jurist lightly. Since there were only 18 jurists in total and the American was Iris Barry of MOMA, you didn’t stand a chance. Nice try with that wig.)
4 If you go, do not try to place bets that Lost Weekend by Billy Wilder will win an award. If you do, at best, no one will take the bet. At worst, even though the festival is being held in the Casino of Cannes, betting is not sanctioned. (It looks like the local gendarmes and French historian Georges Huisman acting as the Jury President want to speak to you. By the way, Marque you would have won all the bets. Too bad you can’t collect now that you are sitting in the hoosegow.)
3 If you go, do not argue with Italian director Roberto Rossellini about a better ending to his film Open City. If you do, at best, Roberto will think you are nuts. At worst, Roberto will take offense to your comments. (That glove slap to the face, Marsden means you two will be going outside for a duel. I hope you know how to use a sword or a cap lock pistol. Oh my. Well, maybe you can sneak off a Google them.)
2 If you go, do not say anything wrong about the Escargot served at the award banquet. If you do, at best, those around you may not like them either. At worst, your opinion will be overheard by the Chef. (You have to wonder, Marshal, how that person became such a renowned chef and yet be so thin-skinned. In any case, that butcher knife looks really sharp, and it may be time to test your 100 yard dash speed time.)
1 If you go, do not kid Alfred Hitchcock about the fact that his film Notorious’ three reels were shown in reverse order. If you do, at best, he’ll be preoccupied trying to find out who the projectionist was. At worst, since he’s not known as the most patient man, he will not appreciate your humor. (Alfred Hitchcock was once accused of saying, “Actors are cattle.” He violently denied the accusation, Martell, and corrected the accuser. “I never said Actors are cattle,” he argued. “What I said was actors should be treated like cattle.” So now he has a cattle prod, and you should be leaving.)
Wikipedia image – Concord Coach with Welles Fargo paint
This week marks the 162nd anniversary of the first transcontinental mail service between St Louis and San Francisco in 1858. It was a stagecoach service, and who wouldn’t want to get on and take a ride. You all know the rules. You need to take the list so that the time continuum will remain intact. I would take your own water too. Life on the road will not be easy.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Transcontinental Mail Route in 1858.
10 If you go, do not ask for a first-class ticket. If you do, at best, the driver will not understand you. At worst, instead of an inside seat, you’ll get to ride up on top. (You can’t blame the driver, Manvel. He thought the best spot on the coach was next to him. I hope you can handle that musket. It has a real kick. Yeah, the grin on the driver gives me the creeps too.)
9 If you go, do not complain to Tiny, the WWF champ, about the food along the way. If you do, at best, Tiny will be too busy to hear you. At worst, Tiny, who thinks the food is great, will take yours. (Well done, Manville. Now Tiny, who has questionable taste, thinks you are going to give him your food for the whole three weeks of the trip. Maybe you can trade a rattlesnake for your old food portion. Watch out when you grab that snake though.)
8 If you go, do not ask if you are there yet. If you do, everyone will think you are joking. At worst, the driver is not pleased and has stopped the coach. (Since you opened your mouth at mile 50, Maolmin, the driver is contemplating leaving you at the side of the road. After all, there are 2750 more miles to go, and he doesn’t want to hear the question 55 more times. Oh-oh, here he comes.)
7 If you go, do not complain about the restroom facilities. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you’ll be sitting next to William Fargo a director of the Overland Mail Company. ( Not a good person to hear your complaint. You see, Maralyn, his company just invested one million dollars in coach stops every 10 to 15 miles, and the fact that you don’t like them is not sitting well. I think he just told you to use a bush if you are dissatisfied. That puts a different spin on it.)
6 If you go, do not forget your winter clothes. If you do, at best the weather will remain warm. At worst, you’ll be subjected to exteme temperatures. ( The coach has no heat or window glass, Marcell. Maybe you can ask the person next to you if they have an extra coat. No, you can not ask if you can share their coat. That might be an easy way to be put off in the snow.)
5 If you go, do not think you can take all the room you want. If you do, at best, the coach will be empty. At worst, all nine seets will be filled.(The coach is narrow and cramped, Marcellus. You can only have the space by your seat. I think you better stop inadvertently kicking that guy with the .44 revolver on his hip. Say didn’t Wyatt Earp carry a .44?)
4 If you go, do not think you can stay overnight in one of the way stations. If you do, at best they will have room. At worst, you’ll stay overnight and be stuck there. (Because the coaches run 24/7, Marcian, it could be several days until one comes through with an open seat. Because of this, most passengers try to sleep on the coach which is almost impossible. Try going without sleep for three weeks.)
3 If you go, do not tell the masked man with the gun that you are not going to give him your valuables. If you do, at best, he will laugh at your attempt at humor. At worst, he will invite you to do a dance. (There highwaymen do not fool around, Marden. Just give him the money. You do not want to dance to the tune of a pistol.)
2 If you go, do not forget your bandanna. If you do, at best you can buy one in the way station. At worst, you will be confronted with continual clouds of dust. (Remember, Marek, there are no windows on the coach. The dust is a constant companion, and if you are lucky, you won’t come down with consumption as a result of the trip. What is consumption? Don’t ask.)
1 If you go, do not discuss the coming transcontinental railroad with Mr. Fargo. If you do, at best, he’ll laugh. At worst, he’ll be tired of the conversation and ask the guy with the Springfield musket to put you off the coach. (Fargo is worried about the railroad, Maribelle. Of course, his business is safe until 1869 when the government turned its mail service over to the now completed transcontinental route.)
As you may know, I’m deeply into preparing to launch my next book, Eternal Road – The final stop. Part of that preparedness is to author a number of guest posts and announcements. Since tomorrow is the kick-off I hope you will forgive me running a post from August 27th, 2018. If you have seen it before thank you for last time. You may also like to visit Story Empire today since I’m there talking about the benefits of doing a preorder period with Amazon. Here is the link.
The inspiration for this list is the idea of matching Ten Things Not to Do with historical events. I hope you enjoy this one.
10 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think offering margaritas all around is going to help anything. If you do, at best, everyone will be too busy to take you up on the offer. At worst, only the best shooters on your side decided to have a couple and now can’t hit the broad side of a barn. (I guess you were hoping the Mexicans would be in a similar shape, huh, Fritz?)
9 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can borrow his gun. If you do, at best, he’ll just say no. At worst, since he extremely nearsighted, he may mistake you for a Mexican soldier and give you a body slam over the wall. (It only hurts getting up, Felco so, I would just lay there.)
8 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not walk around eating a bean burrito. If you do, at best you will have to share. At worst, from far away, a sharpshooter may mistake you for a Mexican Federal soldier. ( I know you were hungry, Freddie, but the food of the day is hardtack and salt pork. Tortillas are the other side food of the day.)
7 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wear your Santa Anna Sucks t-shirt. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worst, Santa Anna will want it as a souvenir. ( I think you heard him right, Faris. He said he didn’t care if it was bloodstained or not. Just give it to him.)
6 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Davy Crockett for an autograph. If you do, at best, he’ll just laugh. At worst, he’ll give you a lesson in flying. (You could flap your arms more, Farid, but I think you are going to hit the ground pretty hard. That wall is quite high.)
5 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not tell someone you know all about cannons if you don’t. If you do, at best you won’t be asked to fill in on one. At worst, you’ll be put in charge of the only cannon that guards the entrance. (Now what did the manual say, Fabumi? Load the ball then light the fuse? Or was it the other way around? You better hurry looks like those doors won’t last another minute.)
4 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think it is time to start Spanish lessons. If you do, at best, you may learn a few words. At worst, whether or not you speak Spanish will not help you in the end. (It looks like the order of the day is take no prisoners, Fadeyka. I think it’s going to take a little more than a few “holas” and “Buenos Dias” to save you.)
3 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think that sombrero and serape will be an effective disguise. If you do, at best, no one will laugh at you. At worst the troops will consider you a spy. (You know what they do to spies, Fallon. Dump that outfit now.)
2 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wave that “Come and Take It” cannon flag from the Battle of Gonzales. If you do, at best, you will make the Mexicans angry. At worst, you will be singled out for elimination. (That flag has been a sore spot since the Texas revolution began, Falk. No need to start that fire again.)
1 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not make plans for your summer holiday. If you do, at best, your heirs will have to cancel. At worst, you may lose some of your deposits. (I guess no one told you that getting out of the Alamo was a feet-first proposition, huh, Farnley?)
This week marks the 227th anniversary of the opening of the Louvre Museum in Paris in 1793. Of course, we want to be there for all the festivities and to view the 537 paintings and 186 objects of art that made up the original collection. As always, we must take a list of things not to do so we don’t cause a tear in the time continuum. Grab the list and a box of snuff, and let’s be off.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the Louvre Museum in 1793.
10 If you go, do not ask if Louis XVI is going to cut the ribbon. If you do, at best, no one of importance will hear you. At worst, the state police captain will hear your question. (You see, Matteo, Louis XVI was imprisoned a year ago, and all the art in the royal collection was declared a national treasure. The captain thinks you might be a royalist. Why is he talking to Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotin, the inventor of the guillotine? Yes, they are pointing at you.)
9 if you go, do not resist Tiny the WWF champ when he offers you a glass of champaign. If you do, at best Tiny with think you are ill. At worst, Tiny just missed three weeks of group sessions on self-esteem issues and thinks you don’t like him. (Never mind that you never laid eyes on Tiny before now, Mack. He has a very fragile ego, and it looks like you may have shoved him over the edge. Don’t worry, you’ll eventually get the feeling back in your limbs. It just takes a few minutes after Tiny releases the “sleeper hold.” Yes, you have to say, “uncle.”)
8 If you go, do not ask a guard for directions to the Mona Lisa. If you do, at best, the guard will not know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll ask a secret service member. ( The Mona Lisa was not installed in the Louvre until 1804, Mauricio. Prior to that, Francois, I displayed the Mona Lisa in a semi-public art gallery at Fontainebleau, his favorite chateau. Napoleon had the Mona Lisa hung in his bedroom from 1800 to 1804. You better think fast as to why you asked the question.)
7 If you go, do not ask to see the André-Charles Boulle collection of forty-eight drawings by Raphael. If you do, at best, the person you ask won’t know. At worst, you’ll ask the fire marshall of Paris. (It so happens, Markus that the forty-eight drawings were consumed in a fire in 1720 before the Louvre being opened to the public. Not too many people know that, and now the fire marshall wants to see how you knew. Telling him you read it on a blog isn’t going to help you.)
6 If you go, do not touch any of the paintings. If you do, at best, the guard is looking the other way. At worst, you will be caught red-handed, so to speak. (The guard has now alerted the staff, Marty. A couple of huge guys are headed in your direction. I don’t think they want to talk.)
5 If you go, do not ask for a croissant to go with your coffee. If you do, at best, someone will think you sneezed and will tell you à tes/vos souhaits (“to your wishes”). At worse, the chief baker will call the police. (The croissant was not invented until 1839 by August Zang, who founded a Viennese bakery (“Boulangerie Viennoise”) at 92, rue de Richelieu in Paris, Morton. So now how are you going to explain your request? Also, you are lucky that coffee was introduced in Paris in 1669.)
4 If you go, do not ask for the gift shop location. If you do, at best the person you ask speaks no English. At worse, you ask the museum director who immediately draws up a contract and makes you sign it. (Congratulations, Murdock. You are now the curator of the gift shop. No, you can’t introduce Slushies.)
3 If you go, do not ask a guard the time. If you do, at best you’ll get a strange look. At worst, the guard will wonder if you are suffering from some kind of mental problem. (The point is, Matianio. There are over 66 churches, 92 chapels, 13 abbeys, and 199 convents, all of which rang their bells for regular services and prayers at regular times of the day. No wonder the guard thought you had a mental problem.)
2 If you go, do not expect to buy a Croque monsieur sandwich anywhere. If you do, at best you’ll have to be satisfied with bread and cheese. At worst, you might try some sweetbreads with cheese and wine. (In 18th century Paris very few people could afford meat, Marcello. The diet was made up of mostly bread and wine. Occasionally some mutton or internal organ meat became available. Of course, you could buy some leftovers from a patrician’s table which were sold by merchants. Watch out for that leftover toothpick in the mashed potatoes.)
1 If you go, you do not buy any water from a vendor. If you do at best, it will be from a clean well. At worst, it will be pulled from the hopelessly polluted Seine. ( There are a couple of brothers named Perrier, Mikel starting a business delivering three million liters a water a day using steam-powered pumps at Chaillot and Gros-Caillou. Maybe they are on to something.)
This week marks the 62nd anniversary of the historic submerged trip of the nuclear submarine Nautilus under the North Pole ice cap. All those who don’t suffer from claustrophobia certainly want to go along. Of course, we need to take a list of things not to do to make sure our actions don’t alter the course of history. So grab the list, and let’s head out.
10 If you go, do not touch that valve that says do not move. If you do, at best it is the TV control. At worst, it is the doomsday valve designed to fill the ship with water for scuttling. (Okay, Maddox. Lucky for you, the captain knows how to reverse the action. You need to get a mop and bucket and pick up the water.)
9 If you go, do not get in Tiny the WWF champ’s way when the chow bell rings. If you do, at best, there will be a doorway you can duck into. At worst, because of the close quarters, you and Tiny will be having a moment. (Don’t try to get up, Mateo. The medical man will be here shortly. You sure look flat, though.)
8 If you go, do not ignore the klaxon horn and the announcement of the dive. If you do, at best, your wet feet will give you a clue to get inside. At worst, you will now attempt to beat the world’s record for treading water. (Yeah, don’t worry, Major. The boat will be back sooner or later. They plan to stay submerged for 1830 miles, so make yourself comfortable. Thank heavens for that cute duckie ring life preserver you are wearing.)
7 If you go, do not ask to visit Santa. If you do, at best, the crew will think you are joking. At worst, they’ll shoot you out the torpedo tube when the Nautilus reaches the North pole. ( Now you have a bigger problem, Murphy. The ice at the pole is fifty feet thick. I hope you can find a hole somewhere. In any case that holding breath exercise you did in palates class may come in handy.)
6 If you go, do not tell the captain that the compass heading is wrong. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. at worst, he will make you comfortable in the excellent brig down below. ( The point is, Marvin navigation beneath the arctic ice sheet is confusing. Above 85°N, both magnetic compasses and normal gyrocompasses become inaccurate. A unique compass was installed, which is the one the navigator is using. Excuse me, did you order bread and water for lunch?)
5 If you go, do not tell the crew you think the hull is going to collapse. If you do, at best they will be too busy to hear you. At worst, they’ll send you to the infirmary for a calmative. (The hull and sail of the Nautilus vibrate, Magnus. Everyone on board except you knows that fact. It is one of the things that required attention to future nuclear subs. How’s that calmative working? No, you can’t have another hit.)
4 If you go, do not ignore the announcement that the boat is entering the Bering Strait. If you do, at best, there will be enough room for the bost to pass. through. At worst, the ice is at least 60 feet thick, and there won’t be room between the ice and sea bottom. (So now you are wondering what all that scraping noise is, Morris? The captain has to find a different way, which he does. You can change your underwear right in there.)
3 If you go, do not have the intent to eat your garlic salami sandwich that you brought on board. If you do, at best someone will take it from you. At worst, you’ll bite it, and the captain will declare an emergency. (Now look at what you’ve done, Melvin. The captain was forced to surface to save the crew from garlic poisoning. There goes an underwater record. There is a message from President Dwight Eisenhower that he would like to see you when the boat gets back to the US. I don’t think it is to congratulate you.)
2 If you go, do not ask the captain when he plans to make the next fuel stop. If you do, at best he will be laughing so hard he’ll forget the question. At worse, he will ask you why you are interested in a fuel stop. (Now that the captain is suspicious of you, Mathias, are you going to tell him you were jonesing for a slushie? Better than to have him thinking you were going to harm his boat. You see, the next fuel stop is ten years off.)
1 If you go, do not try to open that hatch before the green light comes on. If you do, at best, you’ll get wet. At worst, the captain will want to ensure that you never ride on his submarine again. (Lucky for you, Milton, the pressure of the sea kept the hatch closed. A couple more seconds and it would have cleared the surface. Now you need to get the wet vac and clean up this mess.)
The U.S. Apollo Lunar Roving Vehicle from Apollo 15 on the Moon in 1971
This week marks the 49th anniversary of Appollo 15 Astronauts using a vehicle to drive on the moon. Of course, we all want to go with them, and through the magic of our imagination, we can. We do have to follow a few rules, and so this list has been developed to keep you from causing a tear in the time continuum. Hop aboard the imagination time thingy, and off we go.
Top Ten Things Not to Do During a Lunar Rover Mission in 1971.
10 If you go, do not ask Dave Scott, the mission commander, if you can take Jim Irwin’s place on the ride. If you do, at best, Dave may not hear you through the sunspot static. At worse, Dave will let you drive. (That was smart, Michael. You have no idea how to work this thing, and you are now headed for that vast crater. Of course, this buggy can be replaced for $10,000,000. You can pay for it out of your book royalties. Hahaha)
9 If you go, do not ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he gives you a direction from mission control. If you do, at best, Tiny will provide you with one more chance. At worst, you think you are safe from Tiny up here on the moon. (Feel that heat, Mark. That is the pre-ignition warm-up of the rocket in your pants. You see, Tiny can put you in orbit. It looks like the countdown has begun.)
8 If you go, do not complain about the 8 MPH speed of the lunar rover. If you do, at best, you won’t get another ride. At worst, the commander will take you out to the furthest point and leave you there. (You now need to know what “walk back limit” means, Mica. It is the furthest point you can go and yet walk back to the lunar lander before your oxygen runs out. I hope you can hold your breath cause you were dropped off outside the walk back limit.)
7 If you go, do not mess with the equipment. If you do, at best you won’t mess up anything. At worst, you will tinker with the Sun shadow device. (That was the one thing not to touch, Moses. It is the navigational device that keeps the lunar rover in contact with the lander using the sun. The purpose is so the rover doesn’t get lost. Good thing there is still a gyro device, or you might get a tour of the dark side of the moon.)
6 If you go, do not plug your phone into the battery system to play tunes. If you do, at best, someone will tell you to knock it off. At worst, playing your music will wear down the batteries. (The only power cells carried on the mission are 36 volt, silver-zinc potassium hydroxide non-rechargeable batteries. They are suitable for a 57-mile range. Sure hope you are not out that far, Marcus.)
5 If you go, do not ask if we are there yet. If you do, at best, Dave Scott will ignore you. At worst, he will finally give up and tell you to walk back to the lander. (Since the maximum distance traveled on the lunar rover during the Apollo mission was 17.25 miles, Miguel it is no wonder Dave wants you out of the vehicle.)
4 If you go, do not ask how far to the next rest area. If you do, at best, Dave Scott will be talking to Mission Control. At worst, he will give you additional instructions on the capabilities of your suit. (You need to relax, Mitchell. There are no rest areas on the moon. Gives new meaning to the term, “hold it.”)
3 If you go, do not tell Dave Scott someone stole the steering wheel. If you do, at best, Dave will think you are joking. At worst, he’ll realize you know nothing about the lunar rover. (The rover is controlled by a T-stick controller, Milo. Push forward and you go ahead. Right or left to go right or left. Pull back, and the brakes are engaged. Press that little button while pulling back, and the rover goes into reverse. Dave is now asking you to get out of the control seat. You blame him?)
2 If you go, do not let Dave Scott know you have AAA in case of a breakdown. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are nuts. At worst, he will call Mission Contro and ask permission to lock you in the lander. (The whole idea of AAA on the moon is laughable, Miles. The fact that you said that out loud gives Dave grave concerns about the mission safety.)
1 If you go, do not offer to play your road trip CD. If you do, at best, you will get a polite decline. At worst, you’ll now have to explain what a CD is. (The CD was first sold in 1982, Marshall. The crew has never heard of it. It is not going to help to turn up the volume on Willie Nelson’s “On the Road Again.” You have these guys concerned.)
This week marks the 87th anniversary of Wiley Post’s solo flight around the world, which he accomplished in 1933. We all would love to be with him on the plane. There is one problem in that If we join him on the flight it would not be a solo for him. I think we can work out something where time travelers don’t count as real people. (Oh, come on. Work with me here.) If you want to go, you need to take a list of things not to do so that we don’t put a big ole rip in the time continuum.
10. If you are going on the flight, do not ask if we are there yet. If you do, at best, Wiley will be too busy to hear you. At worst, since you said it just after take-off, Wiley is going to let you test the spare parachute. (I think it would have been good to wait a little linger, Lyonia. After all, the flight lasted 7 days, 18 hours, and 49 minutes. Yeah, that strap goes between your legs. No, I don’t know what you yell, going out the door.)
9 If you are going on the flight, do not ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he tells you your suitcase is too heavy. If you do, at best, Tiny will get distracted. At worst, Tiny will figure out a way to lighten it for you. (You see, Lysander, Tiny is in charge of loading the plane, and he is not used to being ignored. Oh, look. He has dumped your suitcase on the tarmac. You sure that is your suitcase. Those are pretty fancy unmentionables you have there.)
8 If you are going on the flight, do not ask when the beverage service starts. If you do, at best, the noise of the aircraft will effectively mute you. At worst, Wiley will offer that you test the guest parachute, but unfortunately, it has already been tested by Lyonia. (This presents a problem, Liam. I think I would tell Mr. Post that you are okay for now. Might be more comfortable than learning to skydive with no chute.)
7 If you are going on the flight, do not ask where the first-class section is located. If you do, at best, Wiley will think you are joking. At worst, when he discovers you are not, he will make you a private first-class section in the back. (Don’t look now, Lucas, but you are sitting in what used to be called the mailbag section. I agree it is not very comfortable. Too bad you can’t stand up either.)
6 If you are going on the flight, do not touch anything in the cockpit. If you do, at best, it won’t be essential. At worst, you just shut off the Sperry autopilot device. (I would tell Wiley, Levi. Yeah, he’s going to be mad at you, but that will be better than getting lost over Russia.)
5 If you are going on the flight, do not make fun of the plane’s name Winnie Mae. If you do, at best, Wiley will be on the radio and not hear you. At worst, he’ll explain that the plane was named after his first mentor’s daughter. (Now you have a choice, Leo. Give a big ole apology or take a big ole step into the atmosphere. I thought you would choose the former.)
4 If you are going on the flight, do not pretend you know how to speak Russian. If you do, at best, there will be no need for an interpretation. At worst, the autopilot will need repair, and the only place to stop is Russia. (What are you going to do now, Lawrence? The instrument needs repair, and everyone is looking at you for directions. I think it might be time to hit the way back button. Those Russian soldiers don’t have much of a sense of humor.)
3 If you are going on the flight, do not ask Wiley Post about his eyepatch. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, he tells you the story of how he lost his eye in great detail. (Hold on Lorenzo. Wiley is getting to the exciting part where a piece of drilling equipment took his eye in 1926. I know it is a little gruesome, but you had to ask.)
2 If you are going on the flight, do not bring up Wiley’s career as an armed robber. If you do, at best, he will want to laugh it off. At worst, he’ll tell you the story. ( You’ve heard the expression, “If I tell you then I’ll have to kill you?” Lance. Well, Wiley did 12 months for stealing a car in 1921. He does have a murderous look in his eye.)
1 If you are going on the flight, do not ask Wiley how many award miles you will get for the trip. If you do, at best he will not understand you. At worst, he will tell you that you will have earned enough miles to win a Bentley Turbo. (You have to wonder why he keeps laughing, Larry. I think you may be the butt of a Wiley flying solo 1933 joke.)
